Women Can't Live With Em, Can't Buy Em Enough Shit to Make Them Happy

Chris Rock has a famous routine where he describes the three things men want ("feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up"). He then goes on to explain that women only want one thing, "everythang!"
Erin Burnett, a hottie from CNBC known as the "Street Sweetie" takes materialism to a new extreme.
Burnett, who is pretty hot, spends a lot of time on Wall Street presumably getting hit on by very rich Wall Street dudes. Then she goes on TV and gets hit on by Chris Matthews and Jim Cramer.



Somehow through all this Burnett believes the hype that she is worth everything in the world. She gave Men's Health a list of 8 ways a guy can impress her.
Erin is looking for a guy who likes to travel, has at least 10 million dollars and is willing to buy her everything, and I mean everything that she can dream of. I really hope she is kidding with this, but somehow I doubt it:

1. Pack Your Bags
Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.

2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe
You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.

3. Do Something Special for My Parents
Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.

4. Relax Me
Yoga keeps me calm, so I'd be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.

5. Help Me Work Out
Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.

6. Edify Me
Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.

7. Please My Palate
Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.

8. Send Me Packing
A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.





Erin's list inspired my good friend Chez to come up with his own list of ways Erin could impress him:

1. Life's a Beach
I'm a big fan of long walks on the beach, my feet sinking into the sand as cool waves swirl around my heels. If Erin would buy me Hawaii, that'd be awesome.

2. Pleased to Meet Them
Music is one of my passions. I'd truly appreciated it if Erin would get the Replacements back together, including bringing Bob Stinson back from the dead, and pay them to play in my living room -- nightly.

3. The Better to See You With
I can't imagine a more wonderful evening than one that involves Erin and myself curled up on the couch, her rubbing my feet and my tired XBOX hand, watching her on television. This is why Erin should buy me a 70" plasma-screen HDTV.

4. Forever in Her Debt
Since I plan to shower Erin with gifts of all shapes and sizes, buying her anything her heart desires, I can only ask that she pay off all my credit card bills and give me her own cards to use -- you know, just in case of emergency.

5. Please My Palate Too
Like my scrumptious CNBC goddess, I'm a big fan of great food. It's for this reason that I'd like Erin to kill Rachael Ray and bring me her heart. Then go out and buy me something -- anything at all.

6. Family Ties
I agree with Erin that there's nothing more important than family. If she really wants to impress me -- and I know she does -- she'll tattoo a giant image of my beloved Grand-dad on her stomach so that her pubic hair becomes his beard. If by some chance she's fully waxed, that's okay -- Grand-dad needed a shave anyway. I expect her to have the work done at High Voltage Tattoo in Los Angeles, pay for it, then buy me the studio and engage in a threesome with myself and Kat Von D.

7. Like a Prayer
I consider myself a very spiritual person. I wake each morning with a smile on my face and a song of praise in my heart, grateful for the new day that God has given me and the bounty of treasures -- material and rarefied -- that he's bestowed upon me. I put my life in the caring hands of Jesus Christ and accept that there is no obstacle too daunting for the one true God. He will reward those who believe in him and punish those who defile his divine name. Unfortunately, he tends to take his time with the whole punishment thing, so I'd like Erin to buy me the Roman Catholic church, execute Benedict XVI and have me elected Pope under penalty of death.

8. Put Her There
Nothing, and I mean nothing compares to life's simplest pleasures, to wit, a nice cup of tea just before bed. This is why there's no better way for Erin to prove her undying love -- than to teabag me.