I'm Pretty Sure He Had the Hottest Date at the Prom

Arianny Celeste is TON's dreamgirl and pretty much the hottest thing to ever hold a ring card. Thanks to her millions of UFC fans always know what round it is.
And no one could blame young Connor Cordova when he took to youtube to ask Arianny to be his prom date (through a series of goofy videos).

The whole thing is actually summed up pretty well in this clip from Lopez Tonight.



The strange thing about this is that Cordova, even though he's only a high school student, writes for an MMA website, and actually had access to some top UFC fighters, which allowed him to get this interview with Wanderlei Silva.

Eventually he did get the date with Arianny, and even got a kiss. But I don't think he got lucky like his friends who went with high school skanks.

A Miscarriage of Justice

In 2006 members of the Westboro Baptist Church picketed the funeral of Marine Lance Corporal Matthew A. Snyder.



Armed with signs saying things like "God Hates Fags" they rubbed salt in the wounds of Snyder's grieving loved ones. The WBC says America is being punished for accepting gay people in the military and society at large.

Snyder's father sued and won an $11 million verdict when a jury ruled the WBC's speech was unworthy of protection under the First Amendment because it was so offensive and personal it was likely to incite violence.

Unfortunately for Snyder, it didn't end there. The WBC appealled and won. And to make matters worse, the appeals court ruled Snyder has to pay those hateful bastards who tarnished his son's funeral, $16,000 in legal fees.

Generous talk show host Bill O'Reilly has said he would foot the bill if Snyder loses again (he is planning to appeal to the Supreme Court).

But even worse, I think I may have to side with the WBC here. They did everything right procedurally (ie, they got the right permits, were positioned far enough away so as not to disrupt the funeral) and I don't want to censor distasteful speech, because the line is so blurry. And if you lose the case, it's standard procedure to be forced to pay the other party's legal fees.

But this one just doesn't feel right, even if it is right.

Erin Andrews Bites Julianne Hough's Style

As Erin Andrews continues to parlay the "horrible invasion of her privacy" into mainstream fame and success she continues dancing.
This week on "Dancing with the Stars," her and her partner Maks (whom she is banging, they admitted as much on the show) performed to Chuck Berry's "C'est La Vie (You Never Can Tell)" while dressed as Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega from "Pulp Fiction."





I understand they are limited in things they can choose when the theme is movie songs, but did they have to do the exact same thing as Julianne Hough (aka Jew-Ho) and Apollo Anton Ohno (aka Apollo Anton Plano) did a few seasons ago. At least Andrews got a little adventerous with it and showed off some boobies.





I don't understand why neither EA nor Jew-Ho was adventurous enough to wear a black wig like Uma Thurman. I mean if you are going to go with a wig you might as well do something transformative to give us the fantasy of a completely different hot chick.

What's She Complaining About, Her Team Won

It's almost trite at this point to make a joke about Philadelphia fans being the worst, the most disgusting, uncouth, unwashed masses on the face of the earth. But I still think it's funny. Funny because it's true.

An Easton, Pennsylvania cop, Michael Vangelo brings his two young daughters, 11 and 7, to a Phillies game for some wholesome fun.
Unfortunately seated right behind them were two loud, disgusting fat drunks. Which is not unusual at a Phillies game.

The pair were rowdy - cursing, spitting and spilling beer. When Vangelo complained to an usher, one of the drunks was escorted out the stadium.

That pissed off the other drunk slob, Matthew Clemmens who announced he was going to throw up.

Vangelo told police Clemmens put his fingers down his throat and intentionally vomited on the 11-year-old.

Clemmens then punched Vangelo in the side of the head, prompting two witnesses, to jump in. One of the witnesses punched Clemmens in the face before he gave up the struggle.



Fat Clemmens was charged with simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment, disorderly conduct and 11 other offenses. But really can you blame the guy. He's a Philadelphia fan, he probably does the same thing at Eagles games and nobody notices.

But seriously, you have to go pretty far to give Philadelphia fans a bad name. Congrats Fat Matt Clemmens, you're digusting, vile and obnoxious, even for a Phillies fan.

And I think there's a lot of Mets fans who would be willing to get puked on if it meant the Mets would win a game.

Chan-Ho Park Explains a Bad Outing

"I had a lot of diarrhea."

I love Mariano Rivera chuckling in the background.

Cruel Things to Do to Rookies

When I posted the picture of Jason Heyward after his shaving cream pie in the face Mrs. Poop remarked she had never seen that done before.
Then I suggested maybe Mets rookie first baseman Ike Davis would earn the same treatment. After going 2 for 4 in his major league debut that's exactly what happened to Ike Davis though Mrs. Poop insists his shaving cream was delivered in a shirt, not a pie tin.



Another form of rookie hazing occurs with the ball which the rookie wants to give to his mom as a keepsake. What invariably happens is the ball is thrown to the first base coach, who hands it to the excited rookie who inspects it and hands it back. The ball is then tossed into the dugout. Then a wily veteran who appears to be unaware of what's going on picks up the ball, then adroitly switches it with a decoy ball which he tosses into the stands in an effort to scare the unsuspecting rookie who in his excitement may have been unaware of the veteran's cruel legerdemain.

The Mets chose not to play this particular trick on Ike Davis. Instead the Mets equipment man affixed a sticker to the ball and marked it as Davis's first hit.

Other ways veterans bust a rookie's balls (so to speak) include after the game giving the rookie an old beat-up ball, or writing on a ball "Dear Mom, this the ball I used to get my first fucking major league win/hit."



Razor Shines takes it easy on the kid, giving him a congratulatory first bump.



Mrs. Poop's favorite form of rookie hazing comes later in the season, usually September when more rookies are called up, when Davis and other rookies will be forced to don ridiculous costumes for a road trip like when the Yankees make Joba Chamberlain and others perform a traveling version of Wizard of Oz.

The Strange Circumstances Surrounding the Death of Guru

Legendary rapper Guru, the emcee half of the duo Gang Starr died at the age of 43 after a battle with cancer.

For most of the 1990s Gang Starr used DJ Premier's dope beats and Guru's socially conscious lyrics to stand in stark contrast to other rappers of the day who rapped about money and hoes over samples from 80s pop songs.

In 2003 they split up suddenly and acrimoniously leading to Guru finding a new producer to work with, Solar.

And this is where things get strange. Upon his death a letter was released reportedly written by Guru saying all projects and tributes after his passing should be done with Solar. All money should be managed by Solar in a trust fund for Guru's son. The letter also throws in a final shot at Primo, not even referring to him by name, calling him "my ex-DJ." It also hints at a possible book that could reveal the true reason behind the break-up of Gang Starr, and suggests all proceeds from that book should go to Solar.

This is leading some to speculate the letter was written by Solar not Guru. Although Guru was in and out of a coma for the final two months of his life its possible he wrote the letter before that, knowing his death was inevitable. But whenever someone dies it seems money motivates the people close to him line up to fight over his money. I can't imagine any tribute album or anything of value could be done without the consent of Primo, whether the letter is authentic or not.



But forgetting all that nonsense and difficulty let's enjoy the man's music:

"You Know My Steez" - Juice's pick



"Betrayal" featuring Scarface - My pick



"DWYCK" featuring Nice & Smooth - Bill's pick



"Royalty" featuring K-Ci & JoJo



"Mass Appeal"



And one from Guru's post-Gang Starr Jazzmatazz work
"Plenty" featuring Erykah Badu

Song of the Week

"They Don't Know" - Jon B.
This is my go-to song on youtube when I can't think of anything else to listen to. The only thing is, it kind of makes me feel old.
Unlike songs that mention specifc years like 1995 in Grand Puba's "I Like It" and 1999 (95 plus fo' pennies add that shit up) in Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E." this one makes me feel old because Jon B. is using a huge brick cell phone to talk to his girl, and she is on a pay phone. Remember pay phones?

If I Never See Georges St. Pierre Fight Again It'll Be Too Soon

I have been a serious fan of UFC for about two years now and I have never seen a GSP fight that didn't bore me to tears.

The latest example was his demolition of Dan Hardy at UFC 111. All five rounds were the same thing. He shot on Hardy in the first 30 seconds then held him down for 4 and a half minutes. And on those rare occassions he did get up, GSP wrestled him right back down.

I don't deny his greatness. On a scale of 1 to 10 his takedowns are a 20. No one stuffs them, if he wants you down, he gets you down. And when he gets you down he keeps you down. There is no one in the world at 170 who can beat him when he's doing this.

But I do question the rest of his game. Despite controlling Hardy for 24 minutes of a 25 minute fight he didn't fuck him up that badly. Also, several submissions attempts failed in due to Hardy's toughness but also because GSP didn't finish them.

In his last four fights he's gone 19 of a possible 20 rounds and avoided four straight decisions when BJ penn's corner threw in the towel. If GSP is so great why can't he finish anyone?

I did once see an exciting GSP fight. In this one he didn't take the fight to the ground right away and got decked by Matt Serra who pounded him out in the biggest upset of all-time.

I think it's because of that fight that GSP is unwilling to take even the slightest chance in any of his other fights. Which is good for his record, but not good for the PPV audience.

The Risk/Reward Ratio of Bringing Prospects to the Major Leagues

After years of complete barrenness following the promotions of David Wright and Jose Reyes the Mets farm system is finally starting to bear fruit.

Two of those fruits, Jenrry Mejia and Ike Davis are already on the major league roster, and both contributed to a 6-1 victory over the Cubs. Davis's contribution was two hits and an RBI in his major league debut. Despite these contributions I still think both players and the Mets organization would be best served by keeping both players in the minor leagues until September.



Note: this is now largely a hypothetical argument because the horse is out of the barn.

There are several reasons the Mets player development has lagged behind other teams over the past few years. Bad scouting, pennywise pound foolish drafting (the compensatory draft picks the Mets would have gotten for Billy Wagner were more valuable than Chris Carter) and the underestimation of the value of prospects. But perhaps the biggest factor is a lack of patience with developing players.

There are two main reasons not to rush players: the mental and the physical.

As for the physical, most times players need to learn certain skills as they develop, usually for hitters it has to do with breaking pitches: learning to recognize and lay off them, or even to hit them. Similarly most pitchers have reached a certain point with only a fastball or maybe another pitch, they need to pick up something else before they advance to the majors.

I think this is where the Yankees screwed up with Joba Chamberlain. His stunning success as a reliever early in his career came almost too easy. Except when midges were involved. When he tried to transition to a starter he didn't have enough quality pitches to get major leaguers out 20 times a game.

Most people foolishly attribute Chamberlain's problems to the "Joba Rules" the guidelines the Yankees used to limit his innings. This is not the case. Baseball history is littered with young pitchers who threw too many innings too soon and blew out their arms (Kerry Wood and Mark Prior). Studies have proven that a jump of more than 50 innings pitched from one season to the next greatly increases the risk of injury.

This is why the Mets would have been smarter to let Mejia use 2010 to be a starter in the minor leagues with a moderate increase in innings (he threw 94 in 2009), then next year as a Mets starter on an innings limit of about 170 and finally turn him loose is 2012. That would be the safest approach to building a guy who can be a good starting pitcher for many years to come.



The argument against Ike Davis's promotion is more of the mental aspect since by all accounts he is ready to hit major league pitching despite having fewer than 300 at bats above A ball. Mets fans are very impatient, especially with young hyped prospects and when Davis struggles as I'm sure he will, the fans will boo and blast Davis on WFAN as another Mets bust. Especially because right now the Mets offense is so bad Davis is being called upon to be the savior.

In 1998 the top two quarterbacks in the NFL Draft were Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf. You may not believe it now, but at the time public opinion on them was split, or at least close. We know what happened since then, Manning went on to be a top 5 QB of all-time, Leaf a top 5 bust of all-time. So how did two guys who were seemingly so close end up so far away?

We will never know the answer to that and that is exactly the point. All of this stuff is unknowable. It's impossible to know if Jenrry Mejia will get hurt, or if Ike Davis's confidence will get destroyed if he slumps and gets booed at CitiField. And there is no guarantee more time in the minors will change anything. But is it worth the gamble? Would you be willing to trade this year's production from Mejia and Davis for an increased likelihood those guys will have long successful careers as Mets?

I would, but I'm in the minority as the Mets and Mets fans once again put short-term fixes above long-term solutions.

She Needs to Write a Book on Time Management

Elizabeth Berkley is writing a self-help book for teen girls.

After a career filled with roles in which she was forced to go topless and portray a stripper or a hooker she wants to offer self-esteem advice.

The actress will be writing "Ask Elizabeth," a "a self-esteem handbook for teen girls" based on questions she has been asked over the years.

Best Tea Party Sign Ever

Thousands of tea party protestors turned out at rallies last week to denounce big government. While the liberal media tries to portray all these people as racist homophobes who compare the President to Hitler (yes, there were some of those, but let's not forget 8 years of Bush-Hitler comparisons) at least one tea partier used a very creative thoughtful way to express her displeasure with President Barack Obama.

Baseball is Poop

The Next Really Big Thing
Atlanta Braves outfielder Jason Heyward seems like one top prospect who is going to live up to the hype. At 6'5", 240 lbs. the man they called Jay-Hey is definitely ready for the big time. Because he had only 200 at bats at the upper levels of the minor leagues there were some questions over whether he had some Pedro Cerrano him ("straight ball hit very good, but curveball, bats are 'fraid") but through two weeks of his major league career he seems to be killing just about every kind of pitch. Through 12 games he as a 1.004 OPS (.423/.581) with 3 homers and 15 RBI. On Sunday he got the first walkoff hit of his career with a bases loaded single to drive in two runs and give the Braves a 4-3 win. About the only time he looked like a rookie is when he got caught with the shaving cream pie bit after the game.



Maybe Rihanna is Giving Matt Kemp Hitting Tips
One of the worst kept secrets of the offseason was the relationship between Rihanna and Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. Rihanna attended the Dodgers home opener and did a dance in the stands when her boyfriend homered. Something she was giving him seems to have helped as Kemp homered in each of the next three games as well.




You Can't Have a Hit and an RBI in the First 10 Games of the Season, Cantu!
Florida's Jorge Cantu had a hit and an RBI in each of the first 10 games this year. That's the longest streak to start a season since the RBI became an official stat in 1920. If you go back to last year Cantu's streak of 14 games is the longest since Mike Piazza had 15 games back in 2000.

This is Kind of Upsetting
While the Los Angeles Angels were in New York to play the Yankees a man committed suicide by jumping off the roof of their hotel.

About 15 players witnessed the aftermath of the apparent suicide when they walked out the front door of Le Parker Meridien hotel to board the team bus. The 39-year-old man landed on W. 56th St. at about 8:15 a.m. The Angels' bus was scheduled to leave at 9 a.m. for Yankee Stadium.

Pitchers Jered Weaver and Matt Palmer, according to witnesses, were at a coffee shop across the street at the time of the fall. Angels manager Mike Scioscia said they saw the fall and were shaken up by it.

According to Angels publicist Eric Kay, several autograph seekers witnessed the man's death. The man was not a guest at the hotel, but asked to take a look at the hotel's pool, located on the top floor.

Does that make any sense? A guy comes to the front desk and says "I'd like to see the pool" and they just let him up there? It's like the guy who said "can I please have the room next to Erin Andrews?" and the oblivious clerks didn't even ask what he planned to do with all the power tools and video equipment.

Picture of the Week
Some sights (no sounds) from around baseball on Jackie Robinson Day. A day when all players wear #42 in honor of the man who broke baseball's color barrier. And a day when announcers get all huffy because they have no idea who is warming up in the bullpen.






Play of the Year
This year the play of the Year occurred on Opening Day. Mark Buehrle benefitted from the play of the year last year when DeWayne Wise preserved his perfect game with a fantastic catch. This year Buerhle did it all (or most of it) himself.