Thank You Web MD

There are a bunch of crazy people in the world who whenever they feel a tickle in their throats or a pain in their belly, immediately run to the internet, hit up WebMD and diagnose themselves with a serious illness. (It's never lupus)
I am not one of those people. Mrs. Poop is. When I came home from work Tuesday experiencing severe stomach pains, I thought maybe the macaroni and cheese I had eaten for lunch was responsible (Mrs. Poop made it a week earlier). But I wasn't puking up my guts or shitting out my brains, so food-related illness didn't fit.
Mrs. Poop came home and did some rudimentary tests, including jabbing her fingers into my side and watching delightedly as I recoiled in pain.
She encouraged me to go to the ER, insisting if it ruptured I COULD DIE!!!!!

Note: I write that in all caps because she said it in all caps.

I took another hour to reconsider whether it would be just bad gas, or something not serious that would eventually subside. After about 5 hours of intense pain I read the WebMD entry on appendicitis.

You have pain in your belly. Check
The pain may begin around your belly button. Check
The pain in your belly gets stronger and moves below your belly button on your right side. Check
The pain does not go away and gets worse when you move, walk, or cough. Check

The actual ER visit, which I dreaded, was not that bad. I was seen and evaluated very quickly and the nurse practitioner immediately decided I needed a CAT scan, though she wasn't convinced I needed an appendectomy. I quickly drank the liquid contrast (the thing everyone complains about) with no problem and was carted outside to a temporary trailer where they do the CAT scans while the hospital is under construction.

It was quite weird going into this huge tunnel up to your chin, then having to hold your breath. Then they added another contrast through an IV which makes you taste metal and feel like you pissed yourself.

When the results came in it was determined that I did have an infection, and the beginnings of appendicitis. The NP said since I'm in America I would just have the surgery right away. I suppose if I were in a country with socialized medicine they would have sent me home with a couple of aspirin.

They rousted the doctor who did Mrs. Poop's gall bladder last year out of a deep slumber and he agreed to come in and take out my appendix.

Meanwhile, this whole time I refused pain medication. Mrs. Poop was furious. She is a drug-seeker evidently. I was not in terrible pain, I was uncomfortable but I would rather deal with that than get some crazy drug that makes me forget who I am and what I'm doing in the hospital.



The doctor arrived quickly. I was prepped for surgery and the anesthesiologist knocked me out good, because I remember telling the guy who looked like Rob Reiner to call me Paul. Then I remember waking up in recovery.

The procedure went well, the appendix was removed, and I was 4 to 6 ounces closer to my weight-loss goal.

But I was starving. Remember, I had been in intense pain since 2pm, and Mrs. Poop warned me that I shouldn't eat, in case I did need emergency surgery, if I had been food free for 6 hours they could operate immediately. But now it was 5:30 am, 15 1/2 hours since my last meal, 14 1/2 hours longer than I normally go between meals, and I was asking everyone I saw to bring me something to eat. The nurses kept apologizing that all they could offer me was jello. I was like, bring it on, I love jello. I had two cups of jello, orange and red and I eventually did get a real breakfast as well, but it included a banana which made me lose my appetite.

Mrs. Poop was due to come get me at around 10am, so the whole thing from walk-in, to walk-out was only 13 hours. But it was 6am and I still had time to kill. They had pumped me so full of fluids so that even though I hadn't had a drink and my mouth was parched, I was still waking up every two hours to pee. With the help of a nurse.

In order to get to the bathroom I had to sidle (I was wearing a hospital gown, open in the back, with no drawers on) past my very angry roommate. Apparently he had some kind of open wound. They covered it up with a dry dressing, then put a wet towel over to try to draw out the infection. Well, he insisted the wet towel was introducing bacteria to the area and that he was sure to get gangrene. He must have read this on WebMD with the rest of the crazies because the nurses (and he asked at least 3 of them) all told him it was doctor's orders which they could not disobey. Later his wackjob brother came in and insisted the valets had rifled through his car the day before. After visiting for a few minutes he left to file a complaint with hospital administration.

Thankfully Mrs. Poop came shortly thereafter and brought me home. About 24 hours after the surgery I feel great. A little discomfort in the area where they poked holes the insert the instruments and remove the appendix but nothing else. I ate a pretty normal diet today and felt fine.

So while having surgery is not great and being laid up for a few days could be a problem for a lesser man, I'm glad I went to the hospital when I did. Thanks WebMD.