Where Were You on Christmas?

During her incredibly boring confirmation hearing Supreme Court Nominee Elena Kagan spiced up the proceedings with some good ethnic humor.
In reference to the underpants bomber Sen. Lindsey Graham asked her where she was on Christmas.



"Like all Jews, I was probably at a Chinese restaurant"

I just wish they hadn't dragged Chuck Schumer into this. I didn't really want the world to know he's one of us.

The Mets' Very Own Roethlisberger

An unfortunate externality of being a sports fan these days is that it’s becoming increasingly necessary to be able to determine whom to believe in a sexual assault case.
The latest unseemly incident involves Johan Santana.
In late October 2009, Johan met a woman who lived near him in the same community. They talked, texted, played tennis and on October 26th they went for a walk. The next night Johan was at the tennis court with his father and uncle. His new lady friend showed up and they went for another walk on the golf course.
This time they stopped on a secluded part of the course near the trees where they could be mostly hidden from view. He grabbed her, put his hand up her shirt, took off her bra and according to her pulled her skirt and panties down as well.
While standing up he penetrated her as she claims she was yelling “please no, not here, not like this.”
Note: this statement leads me to believe that she was willing to have sex with him, she just didn’t want to do it standing up on a golf course like a whore. I had a similar thought about the young girl with Roethlisberger. She was willing to fuck him but not in a bar bathroom.”
While standing up, lifting her leg with his arm and holding her hair with his other hand Johan fucked her for a few minutes until he warned her that he was going to cum. He pulled out and shot it on her leg. She used her underwear to clean up and stuffed the dirty drawers in her bra.
Here’s where the story gets a little hard to believe. She walked with him back to the tennis courts then sat there watching him play tennis with his father. Maybe she was scared or intimidated (not sure if she is married) but it seems unusual for the victim of a crime to remain with the assailant when given an opportunity to get away.
She did go to the police days later which means Johan was compelled to give his side of the story. His is remarkably similar except he says she initiated the sex and even masturbated during it (the old porn star rub?)
Police deemed this a classic he said she said with no way to prove assault.
That sounds familiar and will probably become even more common as slutty girls give athletes almost everything they want and athletes think they can take the rest.

Song of the Week

"Your Love" - Nicki Minaj
Best use of an Annie Lenox sample I've ever heard
Nicki Minaj supposedly was sent here to save rap music. She did beat out Justin Bieber for Best New Artist at the BET Awards

U.R.A. Dickey

Last night's subpar performance against the Marlins may be the beginning of the end for knuckleballer R.A. Dickey.
Through 7 starts Dickey was unbelievable, going 6-0 with a 2.33 ERA. But there's a reason Dickey is a journeyman. Unless he really did figure out his knuckleball and can turn into a Tim Wakefield-type (overall reliable with bad starts sprinkled in), I expect him to regress to his prior level of performance.

His out-of-nowhere mastery reminded me of 2007, when Jorge Sosa (admittedly different because he's not a knuckleballer) went 6-1 with a 2.62 ERA in his first 7 starts for the Mets. Sosa went 1-5 with a 7.00 ERA in his next 7 starts and was demoted to the bullpen.

I fear a similar fate may await Dickey.

The Summer of Knicks Fans' Discontent

Have you ever been looking forward to something? A trip, an event or a present? And when it finally comes, it doesn’t quite materialize the way you hoped. I fear that scenario will play out for Knicks fans this summer. After years of preparing the team, and suffering through losing seasons, the Knicks were poised to cash in on a bumper crop of free agents. Unfortunately I think the Knicks are going to end up very disappointed.

The big prize if of course LeBron James. There aren’t enough celebrity endorsements, Ring Pops (what is the deal with Ring Pops lately?) or lap dances at Scores (though that is an awesome gambit) to get LeBron here. I think there’s at least a 90% chance he will stay in Cleveland. It just makes the most sense, they can pay him the most money, he’s tangentially from there and I think he would like to bring a title to that city. That leaves a small window for Chicago where teamed with Derrick Rose and perhaps another free agent (Chris Bosh?) the Bulls could assemble a Michael/Scottie-esque juggernaut.

Note: I don’t buy the stuff about him not wanting go to Chicago because of the unavoidable comparisons to Michael Jordan. You mean if he wins a few titles and is the best player in the game for some other team they won’t compare him to Michael Jordan? They compared Harold Miner to Jordan for heaven’s sake. He’d have to play for CSKA Moscow to avoid Jordan comparisons. And if he wins 5 titles in Chicago you think that somehow won’t be good enough because Jordan won 6? Asinine.

I’m also leaving a tiny window open for the Nets which would be a complete wild card but they do have some appeal (Jay-Z, Brooklyn) and some young talent (Harris, Lopez and now Favors).

I don’t see the Knicks getting the consolation prize either. I think Dwayne Wade will stay with the Heat, 95% sure of that. Once again small chance he goes to Chicago because he’s from there, but I expect him to stay and try to recruit someone else to come with him.

As for Chris Bosh, he could come to the Knicks, it’s possible if he wants to try to be a #1 guy and lead a team. But I think it’s more likely he’s willing to play second fiddle to LeBron, Wade or Rose (if LeBron stays).

I think the Knicks will end up with Joe Johnson and Carlos Boozer. If that’s the case I’d rather re-sign David Lee and take our chances once again next year once Eddy Curry’s money comes off the books.

If you think I’m wrong and you’re so smart won’t you join me in the ESPN.com Free Agency Predictor game. As always our group is called The Poop. You must sign up by Wednesday before midnight.

Patriotism Pays

On the way out of Vegas for the Conch's bachelor party I stopped by the sportsbook to pick up some long-term wagers to make this summer's sporting events more fun. My bet-with-your-heart wager on the USA to win group C pays off to the tune of 2.5 to 1. Not bad.

Landon Donovan Wants His Hot Wife Back

Pretty much the only reason a man does anything is because he hopes it will impress a girl. A hot girl he hopes to sleep with.
Such was surely the case for Landon Donovan who is a talented soccer player but kind of dorky in appearance and especially voice.
It should come as no surprise then than as soon as Donovan buried that shot in the back of the net to beat Algeria, he began thinking of a way to use it to get his hot wife back.
It especially came as no surprise to me because I didn't even know that he had split with Bianca Kajlich, the hottie from Rules of Engagement.
As Reissberg was informing me that they split (married in 2006, split in 2009, but divorce is not official), Donovan was on TV giving an interview, skip forward to see how it ends.



"Hi Bianca"
And now there are reports that this ploy worked. Bianca was so impressed that he was thinking of her at this important moment that she wants him back.
I hope these two kids rekindle their lost love.

Where Did I Leave My Phone?

A Paraguay fan nervously watches the game while everyone else watches her.

Why Adolf Hitler is a Hot Topic Today

I was more than a little distressed this morning when I saw the trending topics on yahoo.com. There in the number two spot was Adolf Hitler.
Turns out there is Hitler news. How does a guy who died 65 years ago make news?

Adolf Hitler, while in jail, asked Mercedes-Benz for a loan to buy one of their limousines until his royalties for "Mein Kampf" came through, a letter shows.
Hitler wrote the letter in 1924 while imprisoned for his role in Nazi party's failed attempt to seize power in Munich, Germany.
While in jail, Hitler wrote "Mein Kampf," his blueprint for eventually taking power in Germany. In a letter to a Munich Mercedes-Benz dealer, he requested a loan against expected royalties from the book.
"But the hardest thing for me at the moment lies in the fact that the biggest payment for my work is not expected until the middle of December," the September 1924 letter said.
"So I am compelled to ask for a loan or an advance. Naturally something in the order of several thousand marks would be a big help."
Hitler was released in December 1924. It is unknown whether the Munich dealership did any business with him.
The letter was found at a flea market and authenticated by the Bavarian State Archive in Munich.
It is expected to bring several thousand dollars when it is auctioned in July.

And isn't that the most disturbing part? Someone is going to pay thousands of dollars for this. I think the Holocaust Museum in DC should buy it then charge $5 to watch the bonfire in which they burn it.

Sue Everybody

Lauren Rosenberg is suing Google for more than $100,000 because she was hit by a car.
What does this have to do with Google?
Rosenberg is from Los Angeles, while visiting Utah she used Google maps for walking directions. She says Google provided unsafe directions.
Google Maps led her to walk on a busy road without sidewalks that was "not reasonably safe for pedestrians."
She claims she was led onto a busy highway and hit by a car "as a direct and proximate cause of defendant Google's careless, reckless and negligent providing of unsafe directions.”
Rosenberg is seeking compensation for unspecified "severe" injuries and lost wages in addition to punitive damages.
The court papers didn't explain why Rosenberg walked along state Route 224 instead of choosing streets with sidewalks.
On its version for computers, Google Maps suggests one alternative for Rosenberg's route. It also highlights a disclaimer: "Use caution -- This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths."
The mobile version of Google Maps, however, does not come with that warning.

Song of the Week

"All I Ever Think About" - Chrisette Michele

Broken Dishes

This is hot and you will not hear me say otherwise.

What's the Capital of Thailand?

A new form of bullying is sweeping playgrounds across this great nation: sack-tapping.
That’s right, kids are hitting each other in the plums and calling it a game.
14-year-old David Gibbons of Crosby, Minn., had to have his right testicle amputated from being sack tapped in the hallway between classes.
The main reason this game continues, what teen boy wants to fess up to being a victim of a prank involving their genitals?
Once a few aggressive or deviant individuals start engaging in a practice like sack tapping, it can quickly come to seem normal, drawing in other boys who want to feel like part of the majority.

Shit My Dad Says

A few months ago the Concierge directed me to a somewhat entertaining Twitter user, @shitmydadsays.
The premise: a guy’s dad says funny things.
I looked at it, laughed and never thought about it again because I didn’t think there was a legitimate father behind these remarks.
But shit my dad says has now become an phenomenon. It’s a best-selling book, and come this fall it will be a sitcom on CBS with William Shatner playing my dad.
And even though it will be spelled “$#*! My Dad Says” and pronounced “(bleep) my dad says” the Parents Television Council is threatening to challenge the broadcast licenses of CBS affiliates over the name.
Tim Winter, president of the Los Angeles-based organization, said he was aware that CBS was developing a series based on the Twitter sensation, but "we couldn't imagine that a network would actually name a program either with an expletive or with the expletive ostensibly bleeped out.
He said he was concerned about parents confronted by promotions for the series when they are watching television with their children.
"It will in no way be indecent and will adhere to all CBS standards," spokesman Phil Gonzales said. "Parents who choose to do so will find the show can easily be blocked using their V Chip."
My dad even responded to the controversy in a tweet:

I Am a Fashion Trendsetter

For years I have pioneered the socks and sandals trend thanks to my unusually sweaty feet. Now the fashion glitterati are catching on. Celebrities have been seen donning the fashionable, yet sensible look and models even rock the socks at runway shows.
The New York Post had two of its fashion editors go toe-to-toe on the issue.

Graveyards Are Where Dead People Live

Coca-Cola is introducing a new high-tech soda fountain that will let users mix up 104 different drinks, creating inventions such as Caffeine-Free Diet Raspberry Coke.
Coke's new Freestyle machine is housed in a curved metal shell created by the designers of Ferrari race cars, and features a touch-screen menu. Inside, technology common in measuring tiny doses of chemotherapy drugs is used to release digitally-controlled amounts of concentrate flavor from dozens of plastic cartridges.



Here's how it works: A regular soda fountain combines carbonated water and flavored syrup in a mixing chamber, and pours the mixed drink out through a designated spigot. But the Freestyle has just one nozzle. The machine pours carbonated water through the center of the nozzle, then shoots streams of flavor into the falling water, such as lime oil and Diet Coke syrup, so that the drink is mixed in the air.

Coke has filed for 34 patents on the Freestyle (that's for you Conch), but says the most important was for its so-called Perfect Pour technology, the spout that keeps one customer's Sprite with Grape from tasting like the last person's Pibb Xtra.

But the Freestyle's complicated technology and expense — Coke charges 30% more for it than traditional fountains — have slowed its way into stores. Five years after the company began developing the Freestyle, it's still only in tests in a handful of stores.

Song of the Week

"California Gurls" - Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg
So many reasons to hate this song
1) It's by Katy Perry
2) It's another attempt by her to get her songs in ads by the local tourism board. She got Vegas, now California, next a horrible song about the "concrete jungle where dreams are made of." Oh wait, that horrible song is already out there.
3) Girls is spelled with an U instead of an I, further contributing to popular music's deleterious effect on grammar in our society.
4) For those of you who thought MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, on my on-screen program guide 8:00 to 8:04 last night was carved out to show this video. They show one video and it's this one? (Note: it was the premiere because I don't see the video on youtube yet.)
5) Snoop's horrible verse which includes a line stolen from Vince's Slap Chop commercial (2:30 in)
6) A crude reference to the premature evacuation. "Sun-kissed skin so hot, will melt your popsicle"

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

What Do You Give Me For? Rick Levanthal and Carl Spackler

What do you give me for Fox News Correspondent Rich Levanthal (reporting from Afghanistan) and Carl Spackler (Bill Murray in "Caddyshack")?

No More BackYarns for Chase

Toddlers who watch too much TV may struggle in school later, with measurably lower scores in math, and they may get bullied more than other children.
And those children who watch more TV at age 2 weigh more by the time they were 10 and they eat more snacks and soft drinks.
Children who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.
The researchers started with more than 2,000 children taking part in a larger study. Their parents reported how much TV the children watched at 2-1/2 and later at 4-1/2 year old.
They checked with the children's teachers and doctors when the subjects were 10.
Every additional weekly hour of television at 29 months corresponded to a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills, the researchers found.
An hour more TV a week as a toddler meant a child was 10 percent more likely to be bullied, exercised 13 percent less, weighed 5 percent more and ate 10 percent more snacks, they found.



As always with these studies I think they discover a false cause-and-effect. It's not the television watching that leads to these things. Whatever is leading to the high rate of television watching is also leading to the weight gain, the bullying, etc. It's parents who aren't as invovled as they should be.

And I know how tempting it is to just plop the kid in front of the TV all day. Chase will not sit still for 10 seconds, but somehow he can watch Cars for 2 hours without moving. At least with The Backyardigans he gets up and runs around the room during "Racing Day."

What Really Happened

Here’s what really happened the night Ben Roethlisberger had his bathroom encounter with a 20-year-old college girl. Thanks to evidence released by the prosecutor we now have a better understanding. But first you have to understand the mindset of the two individuals involved.
First is a professional athlete who is rich, successful and obviously feels like he can have any woman at any time.
Then you have a 20-year-old college student, perhaps a little insecure about her weight (140 lbs) and totally starstruck by the big NFL star visiting her tiny little college town. She might also have been a little slutty, based on the nametag she was wearing when she first met Roethlisberger.
It said “DTF,” which stands for “Down to Fuck.” Roethlisberger told her “I’m into fucking girls” when he saw her name tag.
There was obviously a mutual interest because the two groups ended up at three different bars together, I think she followed him to the second one and thinking he was going to get some, he followed her friends to the third.
At the last bar, The Capital, Roethiseberger got a back VIP room and invited the girls. He bought them a bunch of shots and said “All my bitches, take some shots.”
After she was sufficiently drunk Roethlisberger’s bodyguard escorted her by the arm to a hallway and told her to sit on a stool and wait there.
When Roethlisberger approached her (with his penis already out of his pants) she bolted for the first door she saw. Unfortunately this was the bathroom. Roethisberger might have taken this as a sign she was inviting him in, and he followed her.
Here’s where the accuser’s story gets a little fuzzy, and the reason prosecutors didn’t press charges. Her story is pretty detailed up until this point when she abruptly says “and then he had sex with me.” She says he penetrated her (no condom) but she can’t recall what position they were in. Was she bent over, or forced up against the wall? And the cop didn’t ask what happened to her underwear, though I’m sure she didn’t know.
She says she told him the entire time “this isn’t ok, we can’t do this” but she never fought him off, never screamed and was so drunk and flustered she couldn’t even recount enough of the assault to convince the police to press charges.
But to me it’s clear Roethlisberger raped her, but she did so many things to put herself in a dangerous position, which allowed her rapist to get away with it.