Weekly Picks

Still have trouble picking games but treading water thanks to another best bet, probably the easiest one I'll get all season.

baltimore +1 1/2 PITTSBURGH
Let's see Charlie Batch do that against a real defense.

NEW YORK GIANTS -4 chicago
A desperate team versus a lucky team. Luck runs out sometimes.

PHILADELPHIA -5 1/2 washington
I hate picking Redskins games but this is my least favorite player against my favorite team. Judging by my past history there's no way this is going to work out.

NEW ORLEANS -13 1/2 carolina
They have to figure this thing out eventually, don't they?

BEST BET
new york jets -5 BUFFALO
This seems like a game the Jets normally lose. But the Bills look so bad I just can't see the Jets of the last two weeks playing a close game with them.


Last week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season: 5-10 (6 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (2-1)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (0-2)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-0)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (2-6)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (2-2)

Song of the Week

"Statistics" - Lyfe Jennings
I love statistics, and I love Lyfe Jennings, so of course this song is perfect for me

The NFL is Poop - Week 3

Three Undefeated Teams Left
All four remaining unbeatens are somewhat surprising. Maybe the least surprising is the Pittsburgh Steelers because their defense is so good. But without Ben Roethlisberger most people expected one or two losses from this early stretch. Dennis Dixon’s injury forced the Steelers to Charlie Batch who probably played the best game of his career in a win over Tampa Bay. The Bears had big expectations last year and they sucked. This season they had no expectations and they’re looking pretty good. They got lucky to beat Detroit in Week 1, and their offensive line got turnstiled in Week 2 by Dallas and then they got bailed out by penalties against Green Bay, but they pulled out all 3 games, and that’s all that matters.



And the Kansas City Chiefs are our final and most shocking unbeaten. They got lucky to beat San Diego squeaked by Cleveland then dominated San Francisco. But they have some features of a winning team. They play excellent defense, they have an exciting playmaker (McCluster) and a coach who is not afraid to take chances, using an awesome fake reverse flea flicker for a touchdown. The schedule gets a lot tougher after the bye, with the Colts and Texans on the road, but in a weak division, they could win 9 games and make the playoffs.

The Saints Should Be On That List
The defending Super Bowl Champs have not played well yet this season, but they too, should be 3-0. Garrett Hartley missed a 29-yarder in overtime against the Falcons to cost the Saints the game. Another kicker/goat, Sebastian Janikowski missed a 32-yarder with no time left to cost the Raiders a game against the Cardinals. Hartley’s probably going to get cut but Janikowski makes so much money ($4 million for a kicker?) I don’t think the Raiders can let him go.



Distressing Redskins Stat I
Over the past three seasons the Rams are 2-1 against the Redskins. And they are 2-30 against everyone else.

Distressing Redskins Stat II
The Redskins are being outscored 22-0 in 4th quarter and overtime so far this year. When you include touchdowns scored by the Texans and Rams late in the 3rd quarter here’s what you get. The Redskins getting out to a 56-31 lead, then giving up 36 straight points late in games. And Donovan McNabb who has been blasted for not making plays late in games has a QB rating of 100 for the first 3 quarters, and 60.9 rating in the fourth.

This Couldn’t Come at a Worse Time
And now Donovan heads to Philadelphia to get booed lustily by the drunken Philadelphia morons. And not only that, their beloved dog killer is playing like an MVP, the best he’s ever played in his NFL career. I watched Vick against the Jaguars and he was flinging it all over the field, perfect throws. Maybe he really has figured some things out and matured. Maybe he just has some good playmakers with Maclin and Jackson. Maybe it’s some other reason, but man does he look good so far.

He Should Have Just Picked Up The Flags
An embarrassing moment for referee Carl Cheffers as he tries to explain three penalties on the same play. Worst part is, they all offset, as if nothing ever happened, except his unending humiliation.

It's Huge, It's Showy, It's Obnoxious...It's Perfect

Everyone agrees the giant monument for George Steinbrenner unveiled at Yankee Stadium is too big. It's narcissitic. It's ostentatious. Which makes it a perfect tribute to George Steinbrenner. Only in his mind was he more worthy of praise than Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle.

I Haty Katy

Nearly 2 years ago we debated the bangability of Katy Perry and as the lone dissenter I completely nailed her personality. She's the insecure girl who was never the prettiest and still feels like the teenage girl who never got asked to the prom by the cute boy. Literally.

At a recent performance at her high school Perry called out a guy in the audience for never dating her in high school.



She leaves high school to have great success in music but the only thing on her mind is embarrassing her high school crush. Poor Shane Lopes. She never accused him of picking on her or doing anything mean. He just happened to like Amanda Wayne more. She was probably hotter then, and she's probably hotter now. By the way, Lopes and Wayne are still together.

Now Perry's insecurities are manifesting themself in an unproductive way once again. Perry taped a song, an adaptation of her "Hot N Cold" for Sesame Street. She appeared with Elmo, with her boobs hanging out.



It's a very nice song, and a cute little segment. Or at least it would have been had it not been pulled from the show before it even aired. Now I don't condone oversensitive babies especially not when it comes to their fear of boobies, but I do place the blame with Katy here. Why can't for 5 minutes she put her boobs aside and wear something appropriate for Sesame Street. Everyone can look at that outfit and say something else would have been more appropriate.

I saw an interesting interview with a producer of Sesame Street who explained the reasoning behind booking Katy. She explained Sesame Street works best when parents watch it with their kids, she called it "co-viewing" and its preferrable to plopping your kids in front of the set. So the show is constantly trying to book current acts to get parents, especially young parents to get involved with their kids.

It sounded like a great plan until Katy Perry's narcissism and insecurities (they sound opposite but they're not) got in the way.

Weekly Picks

Yikes!

detroit +10 1/2 MINNESOTA
Suh could put that old geezer in the hospital.

NEW ORLEANS -4 atlanta
Giving that stupid computer one more chance.

dallas +3 HOUSTON
Desperate teams sometimes pull off dramatic wins.

san francisco -2 1/2 KANSAS CITY
Another desperate team, this time facing a mirage.

BEST BET
pittsburgh -2 1/2 TAMPA BAY
Another mirage. Josh Freeman hasn't play a defense like this yet.


Last week: 1-4 (0 points)
Season: 3-7 (3 points)
Best Bets: 1-1 (0-1)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (0-1)
Home Underdogs: 1-0 (1-0)
Road Favorites: 0-2 (1-5)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (1-1)

KFC Wants to Put on Ad on Your Ass

KFC is paying college girls to show off their asses. It is paying hot college girls $500 to hand out coupons for a free Double Down (bacon and cheese between two pieces of chicken with no bun). And it's the bun thing they're seizing on the ad campaign. Or at least that's what they say. But we all know for advertising to be effective people have to see it.
And what place do people look more than the ass of a college girl?

Song of the Week

"Who Dat" - J. Cole
This song gets the honor solely based on the sample from "SpottieOttieDopaLiscious"

The NFL is Poop - Week 2

This is Why the NFL Stands for "Not For Long"
I can't figure this league out. The 49ers get smoked by Seattle then almost beat the Saints. Mark Sanchez looks afraid to throw a pass deeper than 5 yards, then he throws the ball like Tom Brady while Tom Brady throws the ball like Mark Sanchez. The Colts get destroyed by the Texans, then destroy the Giants. The Chargers looking terrible against the Chiefs then dominating the Jaguars. Atlanta went from 9 points, to 41. A lot of this seems to be home/road, but there's even more week-to-week discrepancy than we normally expect.

The Winner Is...Parity
The Jets, Bengals, Ravens and Patriots played a four-team round-robin the first two weeks. And all four teams are 1-1. The Jets lost to the Ravens but lost to the Pats, who beat the Bengals, who beat the Ravens. So what does that tell you? These same four teams played in the playoffs last year, Ravens over Pats and Jets over Bengals. These are 4 good teams in the AFC, and there's no way of telling who is better.

Suh Sacks Vick
The best play for me in Week 2 came when my favorite player in the NFL (Ndamukong Suh) sacked my least favorite player (Michael Vick).



The sack didn't help as Vick played a great game and the Eagles won 35-32. His performance over the past 6 quarters has some people thinking Vick has finally figured out the balance between passing and running that he needs to be a good QB. I'm not convinced.

The Worst Loss, Since the Last One
I would say the Redskins loss to the Houston Texans, 30-27 in overtime, was painful, but it's really no different than what I have become accustomed to. The Redskins had several plays if they could have just converted they would have won the game (the 4th and 10, the 2 missed field goals, all the plays on the last drive leading up to the overtime FG attempt) and they couldn't do make any of them. It is painfully similar to last year's game when they almost knocked off the undefeated Saints. Only difference here is they could have been 2-0 going into St. Louis before the schedule gets more difficult.

He's Still a Dick

Weekly Picks

The season started off on a pretty decent note, but when you drill deeper, I only went 2-3 and I got very lucky to get my best bet when the Bills took a safety to push the Dolphins past the number. Week 2 should be a little easier as we now have something of a read on the teams.

DETROIT +6 1/2 philadelphia
This pick is solely because of Michael Vick and Ndamukong Suh. I hate Vick, think he can't throw accurately. I expect Suh to sack him three times. I also am not all that concerned about Shaun Hill replacing Stafford. I think the Lions will get 100 yards out of Best and keep the game close.

arizona +6 1/2 ATLANTA
Falcons offense looked inept, Matt Ryan is not looking so much like Matty Ice anymore. Plus I read about a computer simulation that has great success in accuarately picking games made this game the best bet of the week.

new england -3 NEW YORK JETS
I will pick against the overrated Jets and their shitty QB until the oddsmakers see what I see.

DALLAS -7 chicago
The Cowboys will bounce back and I have zero confidence in the Bears. I was looking for an 0-1 team guaranteed to beat a 1-0 team.

BEST BET
new orleans -5 1/2 SAN FRANCISCO
I believe in the arm of Drew Brees way more than the motivational tactics of Mike Singletary.

Last week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season: 2-3 (3 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (1-0)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (0-0)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 1-3 (1-3)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (1-0)

Derek Cheater

The evil Derek Jeter fakes getting hit by a pitch -- and is awarded first base. The worst part is the next batter homered to give the Yankees the lead. But justince prevailed and the Yankees lost.

Not All Yankee Fans Are Bad People, But All Bad People Are Yankee Fans

A great New York Times article proves what I have been saying for years: Yankee fans are criminals.

You really should read the whole thing but if you have ADHD like Juice take away this one key piece of information: Since 2000, more than 100 people who have been suspects or persons of interest in connection with serious crimes in New York City wore Yankees apparel at the time of the crimes or at the time of their arrest or arraignment. Only about a dozen people in the same review were found to be wearing Mets gear


Two men and a woman broke into a locker at a Manhattan gym in February and stole credit cards, the first in a series of similar thefts.
Three months later, in May, a young man tried to rob a Chase bank in the Bronx armed with only a note, which he slipped to a teller. She read it and stepped away, and he fled empty-handed. Weeks later, in June, a gunman robbed a Family Dollar store in Queens.
Gym-locker heists, bank robberies, daylight holdups — these New York City crimes have only one thing in common, and it is not the culprits.
It is the Yankees caps they wore.



A curious phenomenon has emerged at the intersection of fashion, sports and crime: dozens of men and women who have robbed, beaten, stabbed and shot at their fellow New Yorkers have done so while wearing Yankees caps or clothing.
One of the three suspects in the gym break-ins wore a blue Yankees cap. A security camera photographed the man who tried to rob the Bronx bank, and though his face was largely obscured, his Yankees hat was clearly visible. The Queens robbery suspect was last seen with a Yankees cap on his head.
In some ways, it is not surprising that Yankees attire is worn by both those who abide by the law and those who break it. The Yankees are one of the most famous franchises in sports, and their merchandise is widely available and hugely popular.
But Yankees caps and clothing have dominated the crime blotter for so long, in so many parts of the city and in so many types of offenses, that it defies an easy explanation. Criminologists, sports marketing analysts, consumer psychologists and Yankees fans have developed their own theories, with some attributing the trend to the popularity of the caps among gangsta rappers and others wondering whether criminals are identifying with the team’s aura of money, power and success.
Since 2000, more than 100 people who have been suspects or persons of interest in connection with serious crimes in New York City wore Yankees apparel at the time of the crimes or at the time of their arrest or arraignment. The tally is based on a review of New York Police Department news releases, surveillance video and images of robberies and other crimes, as well as police sketches and newspaper articles that described suspects’ clothing. No other sports team comes close.
The Mets, forever in the shadow of their Bronx rivals, are perhaps grateful to be losing this one: only about a dozen people in the same review were found to be wearing Mets gear.
“It’s a shame,” said Chuck Frantz, 57, the president of the 430-member Lehigh Valley Yankee Fan Club in Pennsylvania. “It makes us Yankees fans look like criminals, because of a few unfortunate people who probably don’t know the first thing about the Yankees.”
The Yankees organization declined to comment for this article.
Antisocial behavior has no dress code; people wear what they please when they please, whether they are going to see a movie or going to rob a bank. And in New York City, that often means Yankees attire, regardless of the hour or the season.
In April 2008, on the day after the Boston Red Sox defeated the Yankees in the Bronx, a man in a Yankees cap robbed a bank about a mile from Yankee Stadium. The woman who robbed a Manhattan bank on July 7 was diplomatic in her clothing choices: she wore an orange Mets cap and a gray Yankees T-shirt.
Three gunmen burst into an apartment in Washington Heights on July 23, bound the hands and feet of the tenants and left with cash. A surveillance video released by the police and broadcast on television showed one of the suspects in a Yankees cap — one of the most iconic brands in sports represented, however briefly, by someone accused of helping tie up a 9-year-old girl.
In 2007, after activists protested the sale of Yankees caps that bore the colors and symbols associated with three gangs, Major League Baseball’s official cap manufacturer pulled the headwear, and the Yankees said in a statement that they were unaware of the caps’ symbolism.
Yankees caps have even played a central role in a few crimes. One day in 2003, a fight over a missing Yankees cap broke out between two brothers in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. One brother, an ex-convict, ended up stabbing and killing the other.
One criminologist said the trend might be a result of what could be called the Jay-Z effect.
The rapper Jay-Z has worn a Yankees cap for years — on his album covers and in his videos — and has helped turn the cap into a ubiquitous fashion accessory for urban youths (“I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,” he boasts in one song).
Criminals might be wearing Yankees merchandise not because they are fans of the team, but because they are fans of the cocked-hat look popularized by Jay-Z and other rappers, said the criminologist, Frankie Y. Bailey, an associate professor at the University at Albany, who is writing a book about the role of clothing and style in criminal cases.
“He wears it and makes it look cool,” Ms. Bailey said of Jay-Z and the cap. “It’s almost like the Yankees have acquired a kind of street rep, a coolness.”
It is but one of several theories. Sports marketing analysts say it is a matter of numbers: the Yankees sell more merchandise than any other baseball team. As of August, they hold a 25.13 percent market share of nationwide sales of merchandise licensed by Major League Baseball, with the Red Sox second at 7.96 percent and the Mets seventh at 5.32 percent, according to SportsOneSource, a firm that tracks the sporting goods industry.
For criminals outside New York, the team’s caps and clothing are nearly as popular.
The man who robbed a Chase branch in a Chicago suburb in May wore a Yankees cap. In July, a young man in a Yankees cap assaulted an 81-year-old woman in her home, about 2,800 miles from Yankee Stadium, in Seattle.
“Why people pick the Yankees over the Mariners, I don’t know,” said Detective Mark Jamieson, a Seattle police spokesman. “It just happened to be an article of clothing he was wearing on that particular day.”
And Yankees caps hold a distinguished place in the annals of crime: the man who robbed more banks than anyone else in American history wore one. Edwin Chambers Dodson, known as the Yankee Bandit because he wore a Yankees cap and sunglasses during most of his holdups, robbed 72 banks in Southern California in the early 1980s and the late 1990s.
Mr. Dodson, who died in 2003, was a fan of the team. “We did everything we could to get this guy,” said William J. Rehder, 69, a retired special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation who was the longtime coordinator of bank robbery investigations in the Los Angeles area.
Mr. Rehder not only named the Yankee Bandit, but helped put him behind bars twice. “I couldn’t figure out why he was so lucky,” he said. “I didn’t attribute anything to the cap, but I’m sure he did.”
Mr. Rehder, now a security consultant in Los Angeles, is a Dodgers fan. Nevertheless, he keeps an old, worn Yankees cap on a shelf in his office at home. Mr. Rehder never wears it. It belonged to the Yankee Bandit.

Song of the Week

"Down 4 My" - Snoop Dogg featuring C-Murda and Magic
The best post-Doggystyle Snoop song
Not advisable to listen to this at work without the aid of headphones

My New Career Path

Federal agents are seeking to hire Ebonics translators to help interpret wiretapped conversations involving targets of undercover drug investigations.
The Drug Enforcement Administration recently sent memos asking companies that provide translation services to help it find nine translators in the Southeast who are fluent in Ebonics.
Ebonics, which is also known as African American Vernacular English, has been described by the psychologist who coined the term as the combination of English vocabulary with African language structure.
"A lot of times people think you're just dealing with a few slang words, and that you can finesse your way around it," said John Rickford, a Stanford University linguistics professor. "And it's not — it's a big vocabulary. You'll have some significant differences" from English.
"You can maybe get a general idea of what they're saying, but you have to understand that this has to hold up in court," he said. "You need someone to say, 'I know what they mean when they say 'ballin' or 'pinching pennies.'"

Here is my quick Ebonics to English dictionary. I specialize in contractions/truncated words.

Nahmean - Do you know what I mean?
Tryna - Trying to
I'ma - I am going to
Geet? - Did you eat?
Namaste - Nah, I'm going to stay

The NFL Is Poop - Week 1

It Was a Catch
The most controversial call of Week 1 was ruled correctly. Calvin Johnson of the Lions did not maintain possession of the ball all the way to the ground. That's the rule and Johnson clearly didn't do that. The reason the rule is written that way is to remove any gray area. They don't want refs to have to judge whether he was bobbling it as he hit the ground. The rule is, if you are falling down you have to have possession all the way to the ground. He did not. Correct call. Lions lose, again.



I'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good
All things considered a terrible performance by the Redskins but a win is a win, especially over the Cowboys. They couldn't get any kind of offense going and would have lost if Wade Phillips were not a complete idiot. Al Michaels was 100% right. That end of the half play should have been a Hail Mary or a kneel down. Great play by D'Angelo Hall. The Redskins now have more defense and special teams TDs than they did all of last year.
And on that last play of the game, the holding absolutely had to be called. It was too blatant to be ignored. Thankfully.

Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Dicks Just Yet
While the Jets will certainly be the most entertaining team this season, starting with the second best season of "Hard Knocks" ever (you can't beat the original), they may not be a very good team. Their offense is terrible. Mark Sanchez seems to be afraid to give plays time to develop. It seems like his first look is for a back running a flare route. Unless he gives the offense at least something of a downfield threat, the defense (which is still superb) will likely only be able to carry the Jets to a 8-8 season.
And contrary to popular opinion Antonio Cromartie did not commit more penalties than he has kids. He has 8 kids, he knows 5 of their names, and got flagged four times.

What's Wrong with The Colts?
The jinx of the Super Bowl runner-up? Could they really miss the playoffs this year, while Peyton Manning is still alive? They looked horrible on defense against the Texans, allowing Arian Foster (who took him in your fantasy draft?) to rush for 231 yards. The Texans are now 2-15 all-time against the Colts.

The Eagles and Michael Vick Deserve Each Other
Idiot Eagles fan (redundant I know) are now in love with Michael Vick. Sure, the guy played well Sunday and Kevin Kolb played poorly. But you can't throw a promising young QB under the bus after only a half of football. And you can't forget that Vick is not a good passer. When he tucks and runs like he did on Sunday yes, he can be great. When he has to be a pocket passer he is erratic, tentative and just plain bad. But considering what a despicable human being he is there is no fan base more likely to embrace him than the Eagles'. Some of them even want Donovan McNabb back.

Jets Throw Passes at Girls with Big Asses

The New York Jets spent the weekend sexually harrassing TV Azteca reporter Ines Sainz, a Poop favorite.
Sainz appeared at Jets practice for a story on Mark Sanchez.
Defensive backs coach Dennis Thurman purposely overthrew passes so that they landed by her.
All-time sleazebag Jason Taylor offered to work out with the defensive backs to be near her.
The worst likely happened when she went to the locker room. She was the victim of catcalls, inappropriate comments, blatant ogling, and players even blocked her way as she tried to walk.
Sainz tweeted that she wanted to "cover my ears" and "I'm dying of embarrassment."
She also felt the need to defend her own attire and behavior.



"Jeans and a white button-up blouse [are] in no way inappropriate."

Funny or Douchey?

I took a bunch of grapes to work with me and sent her this picture saying my hand was swollen.

Song of the Week

"New York New York" - Ryan Adams
This video was shot a few days before the September 11th attacks.

Weekly Picks

Back for another season. Week 1 is always difficult because we really don't know how teams will play. And neither do the oddsmakers so there are a lot of close spreads.

dallas -3 1/2 WASHINGTON
I really have no confidence in the Redskins this season and they always do poorly against the Cowboys, especially on Sunday/Monday night.

san francisco -3 SEATTLE
I think the Seahawks have the chance to be very very bad this season. I like the 49ers defense even though their offense is probably the equal to Seattle's.

baltimore +2 1/2 NEW YORK JETS
I hate the Jets this year. I think they are incredibly overrated and really bad on offense. I also don't even see their defense being as good this year as it was last year.

indianapolis -2 HOUSTON
The Colts always have bad preseasons then turn it on once the games start to count. I like the Texans this year but not against the Colts. They never beat the Colts.

BEST BET
miami -3 BUFFALO
Buffalo can quite possibly be the worst team in the NFL this year. The Dolphins, while not spectacular will do enough to win this game by at least a touchdown.