Kate Upton and Snoop Dogg Team Up and the Results are Sensational

"You Got What I Eat" - Snoop Dogg featuring Kate Upton



This new Hot Pockets commercial is probably the best commercial for anything ever. And it features a cameo from Lil Bow Weezy.

Funniest Francesa Film Since the Fat Fuck Fell Asleep

Have you ever wondered what Mike Francesa's radio show would have been like if it took place in 1776, around the time of the American Revolution.
Well wonder no more.



Mike Zaun (psuedonym) perfectly captures the essence of Francesa here. He's a jerk, who think he's always right, but in fact is frequently wrong. He drinks a lot of Diet Coke, condescends to callers, and cuts them off (even when they are trying to propose to their girlfriends) and repeats people's names over and over again (like Joe DiMaggio).

The NFL is Poop - Week 5

Game of the Week and Maybe the Year
Denver Broncos 51 Dallas Cowboys 48
The Redskins were not playing. The Chargers-Raiders game was postponed. The Cardinals-Panthers game sucked. There was no reason to do anything else but watch the Broncos and the Cowboys. And if you did, you saw a brilliant game. Tony Romo had a ridiculous game, he chucked the ball all over, he scrambled like a maniac and he hit two huge passes for 161 yards between them.
But he wasn't Peyton Manning. It's hard to imagine throwing for 500+ yards and being the second best QB in the game, but Peyton Manning was just masterful. And it wasn't just passing, He ran for a touchdown and no one saw him. Easiest TD in NFL history.
Just watching Manning was a thrill. He hit almost every pass, carving up the Cowboys defense. Nearly every pass was perfect. I actually think the game plan hurt the Broncos though, they ran 31 times at barely 3 yards a carry, and they were passing at 10 yards an attempt. I feel like trying to run on first and or second downs sometimes backed up the Broncos into tough spots on third down. Not that it really mattered.
The 99 points scored in the 4th most in NFL history for a regulation game. And the record for points by a losing team is 49.
What a disappointment for Tony Romo to have not only had a chance to win this amazing game but he only needed 49 more passing yards to breaking the single game record. Instead he threw a bad interception ruining what was already the best game he ever will play.

Quick Quarterback Quips
Last week people were comparing Tom Brady to Peyton Manning because of what he was doing, with so much less help around him. I guess we can stop that now.
Matt Schaub has Steve Blass disease. Is there an NFL quarterback version of that, when a former good guy just stops being able to throw on target? He's the first quarterback to have interceptions returned for touchdowns in 4 straight games.
Cam Newton had two great games to start his career and since then his slide has been precipitous and mystifying. He should be better, but he isn't. And may never be.
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with Eli Manning except that bad protection is causing some of it. I do believe he will bounce back and be good again, but it may not happen this year.
Even though his team won, something is clearly wrong with Colin Kaepernick. He's take a detour on the road to superstardom. I hope he finds the on-ramp real soon because I loved watching him last year during San Francisco's playoff run.

The Class of the Class of 2012
Robert Griffin III may never be completely healthy again. Brandon Weeden, despite some great throws, lost his job to Brian Hoyer, and since he's already 30 his days as an NFL QB may be limited. Ryan Tannehill may turn out to be pretty good, but a star, I doubt it.
That leaves Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson to represent what was supposed to be the best quarterback class in 30 years. I still have my doubts about Russell Wilson, I don't think he is a great passer, I think he is a very heady quarterback who makes correct decisions at a very high rate. But I also feel playing with a defense and running game this good has helped aid his rapid ascension.
But about Andrew Luck I have no doubts. I really think he is going to be a huge star, and he's going to have games like the one where he shredded an excellent Seattle secondary, quite often. He may also throw up some stinkers every once in a while, but he's going to win Super Bowls.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Maybe Tony Romo's arm will be tired.

Game of Next Week
New Orleans Saints at New England Patriots
Even though the two teams could be tied after this game, things are looking a lot bright for NO than NE right now. But I strongly believe that if you switched supporting casts Brady would be slinging it all over, and Brees would be screaming at teammates. Jimmy Graham is so awesome, and every time he leaps over two defenders for a pass, Brady will remember that he used to have not one, but two guys just like that.

Picture of the Week
Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Denver Broncos 51 New Orleans Saints 48
Denver's defense looked horrible, especially allowing two huge passes. You can't get away with allowing receivers to get deep behind you in the playoffs? Isn't that right Denver?

Song of the Week

"Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe" - Kendrick Lamar
I actually hated this guy when I heard his first hit, "Swimming Pools", warmed to him when I heard "Poetic Justice" and now I actually kind of like him.

Weekly Picks

Brutal!

philadelphia +1 NEW YORK GIANTS
The Giants are absolutely brutal right now. I still think they could win a few games if they would just stop turning the ball over, but their offensive line is so bad that they can't run the ball, or give Eli the time to pass effectively.

kansas city -2 1/2 TENNESSEE
I hate picking against teams using their backup quarterbacks because so often those guys play better than we expect, remember Brian Hoyer? But I think Kansas City's success is based on not turning the ball over. So long as Alex Smith can keep the ball the Chiefs should win this game.

CINCINNATI -1/2 new England
This pick makes no sense except that the Bengals played poorly last week, and the Patriots played great in prime time. And teams don't always play the same way every week.

ATLANTA -10 new york jets
I was listening to the baseball playoffs on ESPN Radio NY. They were promoting the Jets game "Geno and the Jets will try to limit the turnovers..." If that's the best your hometown radio station can expect, you don't have much chance.

BEST BET
denver -7 1/2 DALLAS
Maybe I am a little late to jump on the Broncos bandwagon but they are so good, and the Cowboys are so bad, especially on defense. I have no idea how the hell they are going to stop Peyton. And I don't seem Denver just throwing up a random stinker.

Last Week: 1-4 (0 point)
Season: 7-13 (7 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (2-2)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (3-3)
Home Underdogs: 0-1 (0-1)
Road Favorites: 0-1 (2-3)
Road Underdogs: 0-1 (2-6)

Money Well Spent

A group of Breaking Bad fans in New Mexico paid to post this obituary in the Albuquerque Journal. The paper knew it was a joke and published the faux-bit on page A4.

3000 Words

Clay Aiken and the Coat of Many Colors

Would you trust this shop?

My Chipotle order

Idiots Send Stock Soaring

The hottest stock on the markets today is Tweeter Home Entertainment, a bankrupt chain of consumer electronics stores that trades on the pink sheets under the ticker TWTRQ.
The stock closed yesterday at less than a penny a share, and hit a high around 13 cents this morning.
The pop in the stock is happening because of confusion with Twitter which will trade under the ticker TWTR.
I don't know how anyone could think that a stock could take preliminary steps to file for an IPO on Thursday and be trading on Friday, but at least a few people made that mistake, it seems, and once they did, the stock got attention, maybe from computers, which triggered more buying, which triggered even more buying.
But once the mistake was revealed the stock didn't crater to its previous level, instead it kept trading all day at at least 500% than yesterday's close.

The NFL is Poop - Week 4

Peyton Manning is Unbelievable
Peyton Manning continued his ridiculous season against he Philadelphia Eagles, leading the Broncos to a 52-20 win. Through 4 games he has some ridiculous stats including a 138 passer rating (122.5 is best all-time), 75% completion percentage (the record is 71.2%), while still throwing deep often enough to average 9.4 yards per attempt (which would be top 10 all time). And of course for the simple yet important stars, he has 16 touchdown passes (on pace for 64, the record is 50) and 0 interceptions (that too, would be a new record).
It's hard to imagine, based on how great he was, how injured he was, and how old he is, that Manning could possibly be better than ever, but he is. With games against Dallas and Jacksonville coming up, we should see his record-setting pace continue, though the Broncos may be winning by so much that he will have hand the ball off, or just yield to Brock Osweiler.

Even Eli Can't Save You Now
Eli Manning has been known for his ability to break out of cold spells with incredibly hot, and incredibly well-timed, streaks, two of which resulted in Super Bowl victories for the Giants. But I don't see any way he can turn this season around. The Giants are 0-4 and have been pounded 69-7 in the last two weeks against Carolina and Kansas City. Manning has been sacked 14 times this season, and hurried countless more. If they can't protect him better even Eli can't salvage this season.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Amazingly one win can turn around a season. Yes the Redskins still played poorly and had to squeak out a win against the lowly Raiders, but that one victory has completely changed their outlook. The Redskins are out this week but when they return they play Dallas, which could be for the division lead.
The defense has scored 3 touchdowns in the first halves of games this year. The offense has scored only one.
RGIII cannot escape pressure the way he did last year. He is not throwing accurately, and as Ron Jaworski pointed out, he doesn't seem to be stepping into this throws, instead throwing off his back foot, costing him accuracy and velocity.
But Alfred Morris is running well again, and it just might be good enough in a division where the three other teams are just as weak.

Game of the Week
Seattle Seahawks 23 Houston Texans 20
The Texans had this game won, they led 20-6, and then had the ball up 7 with 3 minutes left. On 3rd and 4 Matt Schaub chose to throw a horrible pass, telegraphed, which Richard Sherman not only intercepted but returned all the way for a touchdown. Just a horrible pass, and a horrible play call unless you know for sure your quarterback won't do something that stupid. The Texans still had chances to win this game in overtime but blew those too. A horrible loss and another sign that the Seahawks might be special this year.

Game of Next Week
New Orleans Saints at Chicago Bears
There are actually some strong games on the slate this week but I like this one because it seems like the old Drew Brees has returned. He might have a tougher time doing that to the Bears secondary than he did with Miami's. And though it seems strange to say it after so many years of being untrue, the Saints actually have a good defensive line, and the Bears O-line, though not great is improving and probably better than the Dolphins line.

Picture of the Week
A bloody and beaten JJ Watt.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Denver Broncos 100 New Orleans Saints 99
Both these teams are playing above the rim offensively right now, so much so that a basketball score (maybe a college one) is not out of the question if these two teams meet.

Song of the Week

"Dirty Laundry" - Kelly Rowland
The rebirth of Kelly Rowland continues with this very personal jam in which she vents about being jealous of Beyonce's success. She also talks about being beaten by an ex and everyone assumes it is former Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams. But the internet seems to have dispelled that notion and pointed the finger at a different boyfriend. Either way, in an age when so much music, especially hip-hop, isn't about anything, I enjoy hearing a real, true, painful personal story. It's what soul music is supposed to be.

Angry Biker Gangs Terrorize New York

There's a wild story whipping all of New York into a frenzy, but it's a little complicated so let me explain it as best as I can.

A huge biker gang tried to take over the West Side Highway, slowing down and blocking on ramps, so they could have the entire road to themselves. One car, driven by Alexian Lien got caught in the middle.

One biker, Christopher Cruz, purposely cut off Lien, who bumped into his rear tire. The bikers then surrounded the car, slashed his tires and one biker even opened the driver's side door. When that happened, Lien hit the gas and sped away, running over one of the bikers on the way out of Dodge.

CORRECTION: the first confrontation occurs 30 seconds into this video, when he bumps Cruz, and then runs over Edwin Mieses. You can see the right side tires go up in the air. The second confrontation occurs at about 4 minutes and 30 seconds into it:



The guy who got run over is Edwin Mieses. Both his legs are broken, he's in a medically-induced coma and could be permanently paralyzed.

Instead of helping their friend (maybe a couple did), the majority of the bikers took off after Lien. The finally caught up with him when he had to stop due to the slashed tires, attacked his car, eventually pulled him out and beat the shit out of him in front of his wife and 2-year-old daughter.

They beat the shit out of him pretty good, and slashed his face.

But he doesn't have any serious injuries. He will not be charged with a crime. The biker who started it all, Cruz, has been charged with menacing, reckless endangerment and endangering the welfare of a child.

Remember, his 2-year-old daughter was in the backseat. The same seat where one of these assholes was breaking the window.

This driver, Alexian Lin, did the right thing. He tried to protect his family from an attack. The only thing he should have done differently was run over more of them.

Playoff Predictions

National League:
Wild card: Reds over Pirates
Division Series: Dodgers over Braves (4), Reds over Cardinals (5)
Championship Series: Dodgers over Reds (6)

American League:
Wild card: Indians over Rays
Division Series: Tigers over A's (3), Indians over Red Sox (5)
Championship Series: Tigers over Indians (5)

World Series: Tigers over Dodgers (6)

Breaking Bad: "Felina"

This was not the ending I was hoping for.
Don't get wrong, I thought the ending was beautiful. Walt figured out an ingenious way to get at least some of his money to his family, a brilliant scheme, that made sense, and had a reasonable chance of working.
And that brings me to my problem with the episode, after 5 seasons of cleverness, of mental agility getting Walt out of every situation, they counted on ridiculous implausibilities too many times in the series finale.
1) The keys in the visor of the Volvo, oldest trick in the TV/movie book. Never happens in real life.
2) The ricin in the Stevia. Did she pour an open package into her tea, or did he somehow slip it in and reseal packet?
3) The button-operated machine gun. No way would that work, and no way those guys wouldn't check his trunk
4) Walt slipping into his own house and into Skyler's new one completely undetected by the cops who were stationed outside
5) No one anywhere recognizing him despite a nationwide manhunt.

But I don't want to dwell on the negative when so much great happened.

I love that Walt finally admitted he did it for him. I had always felt that his initial motivation was to provide for his family, but once he started he liked the power. He liked beating up the kid who made fun of Flynn, blowing up the obnoxious guy's car, "I am the danger," and "I'm in the empire business."

It was a very nice moment for him to admit what he did was for himself to feel powerful, not for the family, the family that he lost because of it. And he took one last look at Holly and Walt Jr.

"I liked it. I was good at it." That's what it was beautiful that he ended in the lab.

I guess it's open to interpretation whether he died that night on the floor in the lab from his injury, or whether the cops got him and he died shortly after from his cancer, but the implication is surely that his story ended.

As for Jesse, if we're in the speculating business, it was beautiful that he killed Todd and then drove off wild-eyed and crazed.

Why was he a carpenter in his dream? Is that a Jesus reference? Is he a Christ figure? Is Mrs. Iervese writing this show?

Note: Mrs. Iervese was our high school English teacher who thought every character in every book was a Christ figure, much to the chagrin of the Concierge who believed her overzealous interpretation of the literature made her an anti-Semite.

I guess my big takeaway is that Walt didn't regret it. He did the wrong thing for the right reasons, it went horribly wrong but it ended with him dying anyway (from the cancer, the gunshot wound, didn't matter) but providing for his family.

"Chemistry is the science of transformation," and some things when they change, can never change back.

10.3 million people watched the finale.

Weekly Picks

At least I'm consistent. 2-3 for the third straight week. But at least I got my best bet, so I am still somewhat respectable.

TENNESSEE -3 1/2 new york jets
I will keep picking against the Jets because I think they stink and have gotten lucky to even be in this position at 2-1.

HOUSTON +2 seattle
I don't know why I keep picking against Seattle seeing as how they are the second best team in the NFL right now. I just have my doubts. And Houston got blown out last week and I sense a strong bounceback performance.

ATLANTA -2 patriots
New England has played poorly and won so far this season. This seems like a game they could play well, and still lose. Atlanta does not want to fall to 1-3.

Miami +6 1/2 NEW ORLEANS
I'm a little uncomfortable about this one because I think the Saints will win, but this seems like too many points to be giving to a pretty good teams.

BEST BET
cincinnati -3 1/2 CLEVELAND
I have this theory about rookie quarterbacks/new starters. They tend to surprise people in their first game, but often times in the second game they fall back to Earth. The Bengals are an excellent team with an excellent defense, and I expect a huge victory here.

Last Week: 2-3 (3 point)
Season: 6-9 (7 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (2-1)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (2-2)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (2-2)
Road Underdogs: 0-2 (2-5)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: Mariano Rivera's Farewell Tour

The Good:
A very nice moment at Yankee Stadium during Rivera's last home game. Joe Girardi brought him with 2 on and 1 out in the 8th inning and the Yankees losing 4-0. Rivera stayed in for the 9th and retired the first two batters before being pulled from the game, with Derek Jeter and Andy Pettitte being the ones to come out and get him. A long emotional scene unfolded on the mound, including a 4-minute standing ovation.

Eventually a tearful Rivera scooped up some dirt from the mound as a memento.

The Bad:
In his last appearance at Fenway Park the Red Sox gave Rivera a picture of himself on the day in 2005 when Red Sox fans gave him a derisive cheer for blowing Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS which started the amazing comeback which led to the Red Sox first World Series title in 86 years.

The Ugly:
Mariano Rivera bobblehead night was marred by a bunch of angry Yankees fans, moreso than the average Yankee game is marred by them. The bobbleheads were shipped from Washington State (evidently at the last minute) and the truck brokedown in New Jersey causing the bobbleheads to be late.
Yankee fans were given vouchers as they entered the Stadium, causing long lines and delays.

When the bobbleheads finally arrived moments before game time, Yankee fans crammed the concourses, trying to redeem their vouchers.

Bonus:
Mrs. Poop will no longer be able to hear "Enter Sandman" (she often warns me to "sleep with one eye open") at the Hard Rock Cafe. The restaurant chain has "retired" the song at all its locations except the one in Yankee Stadium. I retired "Superthug" and haven't heard more than a few seconds of it since 1999.

The Disconnect

Earlier this week Mrs. Poop messaged me while I was at work to voice some displeasure with the difficulty she was having getting Chase to do his homework. The words "hate" and "kill" were in there.
So I decided to call to speak to Chase to try to get him to calm down, do his homework without incident and then resume playing.
That didn't work. And not only did I fail, I got yelled at. Evidently, I wasn't supposed to try to fix this situation, I was just supposed to listen to her complain about it, before she went about fixing it herself.
I wish I had seen this video, I would have been better prepared.

What Do You Give Me For? Kris Jenner and Bitch Who Stole a Baseball From a Little Girl

Take a look at this video from a Houston Astros game. A middle-aged woman reaches in front of a kid to get a ball. That's bad enough, but when she drops the ball, it rolls to the kid, and she literally tears it out of the girl's hands. And if that's not enough, she high-fives her friends about it.



How much does she look like Kris Jenner?

The NFL is Poop - Week 3

What's Wrong with the 49ers?
Two weeks ago San Francisco was the toast of the town, beating Green Bay and gearing up for a matchup against the Seahawks. That loss was understandable given the environment, but losing by 20 to Indianapolis at home has put the 9ers two games down in the division and cast their playoff chances into doubt. I really don't understand what's wrong. Maybe teams have figured out Kaepernick, but I really didn't think that was possible. He's 26 of 55 for 277 yards, 0 touchdowns and 4 interceptions over the past two games. So maybe someone figured out something. Time will tell.

Why the Bears Win
I often say the biggest reason the NFL is so popular is because of betting. And the reason why betting is so much fun is because the games are so unpredictable. And the games are so unpredictable because turnovers are so important in determining the outcome. And turnovers are very often a bad (or good) bounce at the right time, which makes them totally unpredictable.
But the Chicago Bears are proving that one team can be consistently good, year in and year out at not just forcing turnovers, but returning them for touchdowns. They had 9 touchdowns last year, and already 3 in 3 games this year. If they can keep this up, and with a ball-hawking secondary led by Peanut Tillman, I think they can, they will be a leader in a suddenly weak NFC all season.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Speaking of defensive touchdowns, the Redskins have 2 so far this season. And 0 wins. Teams that score defensive touchdowns generally win 85% of the time in the NFL.
RGIII is clearly not healthy, and he is pressing to compensate for it. Both of his turnovers came deep in Lions territory, and occurred on plays he never would have made last year. And he still hasn't learned how to slide when he leaves the pocket.
This is a truly distressing development, because maybe he will never ever regain the speed he had last year.

Nuclear Meltdown
Jets cornerback Kyle Wilson almost cost his team the game with a monumental blowup.
It started with the Jets leading the Bills 20-12 early in the 4th quarter. With 3rd and 6 on their own 24, Antwan Barnes committed an defensive holding, giving the Bills an automatic first down. Until Stevie Johnson got flagged for taunting, resulting in a replayed down. And what Stevie Johnson taketh away, Kyle Wilson giveth right back. Committing illegal contact on the next play, and then personal fouls on the next two plays, until Rex Ryan finally yanked him. Wilson single-handedly turned 3rd and 6 from the 24th into 1st and 10 from the Jets 37. The Bills did score a TD and the game-tying two-point conversion, but the Jets saved Wilson's ass by winning anyway. So the Jets who could easily be 0-3, are actually 2-1.

Breakout Star
It's very rare that a highly touted unknown fantasy sleeper actually lives up to those expectations (remember Tatum Bell?), but this year Cleveland Browns tight end Jordan Cameron is certainly emerging. In three games Cameron has 20 catches, for 269 yards and 4 touchdowns, including one thrown by the punter Spencer Lanning on a fake field goal.
But that wasn't Cameron's best catch of the year. He is reportedly banging Victoria's Secret Supermodel Erin Heatherton.

Game of the Week
Cincinnati Bengals 34 Green Bay Packers 30
The Bengals-Packers game certainly lived up to the billing I gave it last week. The Bengals scored the first 14 points, Green Bay responded with 30 in a row, Cincinnati answered with 13 (missed PAT), and that's where we picked up the action. Green Bay leading 30-27 with 4th and 1 at the Bengals 30 with about 4 minutes left. Mike McCarthy elected to go for it. Huge mistake! Field goals are too easy to get, you have to try to take that 6 point lead and force Cincinnati to score a touchdown to beat you. Green Bay handed it to Johnathan Franklin, he fumbled and Terrence Newman picked it up (eventually) and ran 58 yards for the game-winning touchdown.
Obviously, that's an extreme example of what could go wrong, but even by the percentages, I feel he's better off taking the near-certain 6-point lead than taking a big risk to put the game away right then.

Game of Next Week
Seattle Seahawks at Houston Texans
Seahawks have to prove they can win on the road before "go ahead and crown their ass" and the Texans need to rebound from an ass-kicking by the Ravens, because remember that their first two wins were lucky comebacks against mediocre/bad teams.

Picture of the Week
Cam Newton's awesome Under Armor Biohazard shoe/sock things.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Denver Broncos 41 Seattle Seahawks 24
I absolutely love what the Broncos are doing right now. They look absolutely unstoppable on offense and the defense looks stout enough and should improve when Von Miller comes back. As far as I'm concerned the Seahawks are very good, but I am still not convinced, but a win on the road in Houston would convince me.

Caught With His Pants Down

Niklas Helenius gets pantsed by Tottenham's Jan Vertonghen.



Looks like Vertonghen was tripping/diving and didn't necessarily mean to pull Helenius's shorts down.
I'm amazed Helenius's first reaction was to go for the shot attempt, and not to pull his pants up.
I'm suprised he was wearing regular briefs under there, and not some type of compressions shorts.
I'm shocked he didn't get a penalty kick for this.

How Did He Do It?

Senator Ted Cruz has just completed a 21-hour filibuster in a mostly futile attempt to defund Obamacare.
The rules of the Senate require Cruz to talk stand up the entire time. He wore sneakers to make himself more comfortable, but still, standing for 21 hours, that's got to be tough. If he sits for even a second, he yields the floor and his filibuster is over.

There is no food allowed on the Senate floor so he couldn't eat, maybe he had a small snack. He was allowed to drink, so he must have had like 40 cups of coffee.

I couldn't stand for 21 hours, I certainly couldn't go 21 hours without eating (unless it was Yom Kippur) but most of all, I know I couldn't go 21 hours without peeing. I think there's a decent chance he either had a catheter put in, or wore some kind of adult diaper like Depends or Poise.



And he must have taken Immodium beforehand because if he had one in the chamber there's no way he could have fought that off for 21 hours.

So he couldn't sit, eat, pee or shit, and most importantly he couldn't stop talking. He could yield for a question, but basically he was talking for nearly a whole day straight.

And when he ran out of things to say, he did this:



Apparently his daughters enjoyed Senator Cruz reading "Green Eggs and Ham":

More astute Poopheads will remember a similar scenario from a memorable episode of "The West Wing."