3000 Words

An old man finds giant 6-foot spiderweb in front of his garage. Claims spider did it overnight.

Dirtiest car ever?

Note: this was actually in the parking lot at my office. I thought someone was pulling a Costanza and pretending to sleep at the office, but there were no fliers under the windshield wipers.

I had to try the old hooded-sweatshirt popcorn holder gag.

Getting Some Use Out of the "Stupid Things I Do Because They'd Make Good Blog Posts" Tag

Turns out I was able to find a few affordable things still remaining on the wedding registry for Rebecca Liddicoat and Robert Griffin III.



So I sent the couple a lovely orange Kate Spade bath towel.
I've gotten a little more information about this that has turned me slightly against the Griffins. First, they should have made the registry private and given the password to family and friends. Second, there is also an option where the couple could donate 50% or even 100% of the value of the gifts to charity. That would have been nice. They're of course under no obligation to do so, but to not do either of those things makes it seem like they wanted gifts from fans. But we have to go back to the elemental reason you buy someone a gift, to show them you care about them, to make them happy, and because it brings joy to the sender to make the recipient happy. All those reasons still apply here so I am happy I did it and I hope they use my bath towel in good health.

Where's Paulo?

To promote tornado week The Weather Channel did something pretty funny. They put correspondent Dave Malkoff (not that Dave Malkoff) and an intern in a room with a lot of fans. And they streamed it live on the internet. They turned up the wind each time they hit a milestone of people using the #tornadoweek hashtag. Malkoff also promised to write the names of his new followers on a piece of paper and tape it to the wall. So of course I did, see if you can find this blog's name.

Note: it is visible but you may have to expand the picture to see it.




Upper right corner for those of you too lazy to search.

The Only Thing Worse Than Being Behind a Bus Or a Student Driver

A bus with a student driver sign on the back! I have never seen anything move this slowly. I could have pushed this bus faster.
Two clarifying points:
1) It was not unsafe to take this picture while driving because behind this bus was analogous to being stopped at a red light.
2) There was actually another car in between the bus and me. But that car was turning right where I normally do. So in order to get this shot, I followed the bus another block down the road.

Extreme Makeover: Paulo Edition

Due to a bout of indifference stemming from my job-borne frustration, I grew my normal winter beard, but instead of keeping it neat and trim as I normally do, I let it grow wild and unruly until I looked Hasidic. But because I am starting a new job, and you never get a second chance to make a first impression (I'm going to do my George W. Bush), I had to cut my hair, shave my beard and trim the goatee portion of my facial hair. This massive transformation took place over the course of about 15 minutes in my kitchen and bathroom.

I Almost Had to Use My AK

While driving home on my birthday I found myself in surprisingly heavy traffic on Fair Lawn Avenue. I needed to be in the left lane to make a turn at the next intersection. Traffic was slow so I weaseled my way in. Even though I had my signal on the guy behind me chose to lean on his horn. After I made my left turn, he followed behind me. So I pulled over to let him by, just to get away from him.

He stopped next to me and screamed out the window:
“What’s your fuckin problem?” (He’s screaming at me, and I’m the one with the problem?)
“We were going 5 miles an hour you could have let me in.” (I didn’t scream. I said it so quietly he had to ask me to repeat myself.)
“I wasn’t behind you, I was alongside of you, you cut me off.” (He was behind me, or else I would have hit him when I changed lanes. I do admit to cutting him off, but only because he wasn’t courteous enough to see that I was trying to get over and let me in.)
“Just go, move on with your day.” (I was done with this discussion.)
“Go fuck yourself pal.” (Then he drove away, making a u-turn, meaning he wasn’t going the same way, he purposely followed me.)


But don't worry this didn't ruin my birthday. I actually enjoyed it, for three reasons.
I enjoy new experiences.
I like having stories to tell, keeps this blog interesting for the Poopheads with vaginas who get tired of the constant sports coverage.
And the biggest reason I was happy about it, I recognized the guy. He's an annoying father I occasionally see at the playground. He saw me wearing a Syracuse shirt once (or twice, or ten times, I pretty much wear one every day) and he told me he was raised in that area but didn't go to SU. Every time I see him he chews my ear off about SU sports (I believe the first time I ever saw him was the day Fab Melo got suspended for the tournament).
And now, I won't ever have to talk to him again. And it didn't even cost me $20 ("A Bronx Tale" reference).

Who Wore It Best?

Who wore this Larry Fitzgerald jersey and black thong better, The Poop or Bibi Jones?

I could have sworn I posted this months ago when Bibi Jones was in the news, but I guess I didn't.

These are a Few of Mrs. Poop's Favorite Things

Rainbows, unicorns and me --- these are a few of Mrs. Poop's favorite things.

I Hope No One Gets a Splinter

I missed a couple hairs while shaving, and the offending follicles were disturbing me so greatly at work that I went to the first aid kit and took the plastic disposable tweezers in an effort to pluck the hairs. Unfortunately it didn't work and the hairs are still sticking out of my cheek.

How I Became Friends With a Cell Phone Screamer

So I'm sitting on the train on the way into work minding my business, checking my blackberry and reading my book (more on that later).

The girl behind me is on a cell phone carrying on a civilized conversation -- at least it started that way. All the sudden she starts talking progressively louder, saying "Don't ask me that. I really really really don't like when you ask me that. Don't asking me what I'm wearing, you're not my fucking boyfriend."

Then she hangs up, but evidently the creep on the other end wasn't done because a few minutes later she was screaming again. "You're a psycho. Why would I want to be friends with a psycho? You're too emotional. I think you need a therapist."

Since there were very few of us on the train, and fewer still exiting at Secaucus I ran into our little screamer at the ticket gates. Still rattled by her argument she was yelling for help from a ticket agent (though no one was around). I guided her through the gate by instructing her to place her ticket in the gate with the green arrow, rather than the one with the red X. After saying "I feel like the biggest idiot right now," we both proceeded to the platform to wait for our train -- which as usual was 5 minutes late.

We got on the same car and when we arrived at Penn Station she asked me "is this Penn Station?" I replied that it was then proceeded up the steps. After hearing footsteps behind me I decided she might be in need of further assistance, so I turned around and she said "don't worry, I'm not following you."

I asked her where she was going and she said she'd never come in Penn Station that way before and didn't know how to get out. I pointed her to 7th Ave and she followed me up the escalator, and this is where it got weird.

She said "is that a book on poker you'reading?"
I answered yes, because it was.
She claimed to recognize Gus Hansen whose picture is on the book cover. She said her boyfriend makes her watch poker all the time.
I recommended the book (because I really like it, Paulo's Book Club to follow) and she ended our little conversation with "I heard he's a really good player."

I said good night, walked to the subway and perhaps wished I had been so helpful in the first place.

I Hope He Takes My Advice

Here's the transcript of the brief Facebook chat I had with Jonny Flynn last night.



OK, so he wasn't exactly forthcoming but it was nice of him to answer me at all. Flynn has been awesome but he has been playing so many minutes that I hope he listened to me and went to bed early. And on the thing about Glasser too. James Harden has a good midrange game so he'll try to get inside the zone and kick it out for jumpers.

Happy St. Patrick's Day