Word You Need To Know For the World Cup

This is a vuvuzela (voo-voo-zell-uh).



It's a plastic horn common in South Africa. If you want to know what one sounds like turn on any World Cup game at any time. The fans are blowing them constantly. It sounds like swarm of angry bees is coming out of your TV and into your ear.

Another Angry Mets Fan

Frustrated with the lack of run support for Johan Santana Lady Gaga -- who took in the game while swilling beer and wearing a bikini -- gives the Mets offense the finger during the first game of the doubleheader against the San Diego Padres.

Deja Vu All Over Again

In honor of Mrs. Poop's birthday, I present to you Mona, a beagle mix who earlier this year was the Adoptable Pet of the Game at a minor league Northwest Arkansas Naturals game.

Dog Poops on Field During Naturals Game @ Yahoo! Video

That reminds me of another famous poop on the field incident.

At least those dogs were housebroken. They saw an open patch of grass and did their business. This dog on Regis and Kelly with special guest Beth Ostrosky Stern sees simulated grass and watch what happens:

Joy and Wonder in the Eyes of a Small Child

A mesmerized Chase on the ferris wheel at Toys R Us in Times Square.

My Italian Googleganger

A couple years ago I brought a cool new word to the vernacular Googleganger. Now I have found my Italian Googleganger, just add an O to the end of my first and last name.



Of all the professions in the world, Paulo Amino has to specialize in male sexual dysfunction.

Song of the Week

"Waka Waka" - Shakira
The official song of the 2010 World Cup

Embarrassing Moment For Mello Yello

Due to my new schedule and the lack of trains running at 3 in the morning I’ve begun driving into Manhattan. On the way out of town at about noon one day, a guy knocks on my window as I am waiting at the light and directs my attention to someone on the curb trying to flag me down.
I roll down my window and the guy asks “taxi?”
I say no and roll my window up when I notice the guys in the car next to me laughing hysterically.
Are all yellow cars taxis? There is no billboard or number on top of Mello Yello, no medallion on the hood, no price list on the door. Yet some idiot has to hurt my car’s feelings just because she’s yellow.

What Do You Give Me For? Ali Velshi and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

What do you give me for CNN anchor Ali Velshi and Muppet and Beaker's lab partner, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew?

I Scream for Ice Cream

It used to be that the minor league Toledo Mud Hens were famous because Corporal Klinger often wore a Mud Hens jersey on MASH, that is when he wasn't wearing a lovely green taffeta dress.



But now the Mud Hens have a new claim to fame.

FIFTH THIRD FANATIC FREEZE SUNDAE (15 SCOOPS) - 3 flavors of your favorite Toft's ice cream x 5 scoops of each delicious flavor = 1 colossal sweet treat and a souvenir helmet! Topped with whipped cream, hot fudge, rainbow sprinkles, peanuts, and cherries. Served in a souvenir full-size helmet - this sundae is the perfect treat for 4-8 people or one Paulo!



This thing looks freakin awesome. I really think I could eat an entire one with a couple of stipulations:

1) I'd need to do it in a meat locker. If this were at a summertime baseball game, it would melt and turn to soup before I was able to finish it
2) they'd have to remove the peanuts (just to be safe) and the cherries
3) I don't know if there are three flavors I like enough to eat 5 scoops so I might just ask for 15 of mint chocolate chip

How do they expect 8 people to eat this? Would there be a lazy Susan involved?

How cool of a souvenir is the full-size helmet you ate 15 scoops of ice cream out of? Much better than the hats and t-shirts John Candy got for eating the old 96er

What Do You Say?

What's the best fruit/vegetable euphemism for testicles?




Note: the winning word will be featured in an upcoming Facebook status update.

When You Have More Dollars Than Sense

To renew their vows on their second anniversary Nick Cannon bought Mariah Carey a ring pop, only it wasn't candy, it was a real ring.
The ring is made of white gold, diamonds, and pink sapphires, and comes in a special box with a "spinner" so "you can see it sparkle under the lights inside," according to Jason Arasheben, the CEO of the Jason of Beverly Hills jewelery store where Nick purchased the ring.
No word on how much it cost.

Nobody's Perfect

Armando Galarraga loses a perfect game on a terrible call. Fact is; Jim Joyce blew it. Galarraga had 26 outs in his back pocket. And he had his foot on the bag and the ball in his glove. He was seconds away from celebrating until Jim Joyce blew the call. In Joyce’s defense, he is looking at the play but mostly listening for the sound of foot on base and ball in glove. The way Galarraga caught it, the ball got snow-coned in his glove, maybe not making the sound Joyce is used to hearing.



A lot of people are saying Galarraga was “robbed” of a perfect game. As Archie Bunker pointed out, you can’t be robbed of something you never had. He made that point referring to the perfect game of Harvey Haddix. Haddix pitched 12 perfect innings but since the game was tied at zero, he went to the 13th and ended up losing the game on a home run to Joe Adcock (who passed Hank Aaron on the bases and only got credit for a single). So that’s not a perfect game.

Neither was Ernie Shore’s. In 1917 Shore entered the game after the starting pitcher was ejected after walking the first batter. That pitcher was Babe Ruth by the way. The baserunner was thrown out trying to steal and Shore retired the next 26 batters in a row. But’s that not a perfect game.

Nor will Galarraga’s game be marked in the history books as one. There are calls for Bud Selig to retroactively reverse the call and restore the perfect game. That’s preposterous, and unnecessary. Everyone knows Galarraga pitched a perfect game. He can sleep at night secure with his accomplishment and will be remembered that way. In fact, the uniqueness and misfortune will assure him an even better place in the memories of baseball fans.

Who cares what’s written in the record books? Those are the same record books that say Barry Bonds is the all-time home run king.

Really? That Many People are Watching These Shows?

With the spring television season recently completed I thought I would point out something I noticed in the ratings every week that I simply cannot believe. Consistently each week American Idol and Dancing with the Stars top the ratings, understandably so. But right below those shows every week is NCIS. The ratings say 20 million people watch this show every week. But I have never seen it, and I don't know anyone else who watches it either. How is this show pulling 20 million viewers?




Also, every week SpongeBob SquarePants is at the top of the cable ratings. 4.5 million kids are watching this show each Saturday morning.

Song of the Week

"I'm So Happy, I Can't Stop Crying" - Sting
"Something about the universe and how it's all connected"

One Obnoxious Yankees Fan I Find Amusing

Never say I am not an unbiased journalist. I hate the Yankees but I have to give credit where credit is due. This guy biting the pork chop right out of Kim Jones's hand is an unparalleled act of bravery and humor.

Bernie Carbo Wanted to Break Keith Hernandez's Arms

Former Red Sox outfielder Bernie Carbo, best known for hitting a game-tying 3-run homer in the epic Game 6 of the 1975 World Series says he was high during the game, and basically his entire career.

"I probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some [amphetamines], took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette, and got up to the plate and hit . . . I played every game high. I was addicted to anything you could possibly be addicted to. I played the out field sometimes where it looked like the stars were falling from the sky."

When Carbo went to the St. Louis Cardinals in 1980 he introduced Keith Hernandez to cocaine. When Hernandez testified in the 1985 Pittsburgh drug trial he identified Carbo as his supplier. Evidently that made Carbo mad enough to seek revenge.

"I knew some people, and I had $2,000, and I asked them to break his arms." Carbo said.

"When I went to an individual to have it done, he said, 'We'll do it in two or three years if you want it done, but we're not going to do it today, Bernie. If we went and broke his legs today, or broke his arms, you don't think they would understand that you are the one that had it done?' "

More Incontrovertible Photographic Evidence Proving Elena Kagan is a Lesbian

You see the way Elena Kagan is sitting? More proof she's a lesbian. As if we need more proof. Young, straight women sit with their legs crossed. Older straight women sit with their ankles crossed. You know who sits with their legs open? Lesbians, that's who!

The Best Baseball Card Ever

It's the Honus Wagner T-206 for our generation.
For sale on eBay right now is a 2010 Bowman Chrome Superfractor Stephen Strasburg.
With three days left the bidding is at $17,100. [It sold for $16,403, there must have been some bids retracted because buyers had to prove ability to pay]
Here's why this card is so valuable:
Bowman Chrome does several versions of each card, a regular card, a refractor (500), an Xfractor (225), blue refractor (150), gold refractor (50), orange refractor (25), red refractor (5) and superfractor (1)
Yes, there is only one of this card. It makes it an incredible white whale for very wealthy collectors.
I have no doubt that Strasburg is going to become an all-time legend and I suspect this card will be bought and sold many more times throughout his career for increasingly higher prices.



Note: I got one Superfractor in my life, 2005 Bowman Chrome Ryan Sweeney. I sold it for $247

Song of the Week

"Good People" - Jack Johnson
I was amazed when I heard this song for the first time and was sure it was new, turns out it's a couple years old. How does something like this not get mainstream radio airplay?
There are two types of people in this world, those who think Jack Johnson is a turn of the century black boxer, and those who think Jack Johnson is a white pop singer.



Plus, it's TON's birthday and I guarantee he heard this song, likes this song and even took Special K to see this guy in concert.

Suck My Horn Bitch

Bullfighting is a lot more fun when the bull wins.



Julio Aparicio was coming off a high having just killed two bulls in France and proudly showing off their ears.
The next day at a bullfight in Madrid he let his guard down against “Opiparo.”
Just as he was about the deliever the “death blow” to the badly injured Opiparo, he tripped and fell, and Opiparo took advantage.
He charged at Aparicio and put his right now through his throat and out his mouth.
Aparacio needed major surgery but he will live.
Which is more than I can say for Opiparo who was immediately killed by another bullfighter.