And You Thought Texting While Driving Was Bad

This woman actually gives me a good idea. I am going to pretend to be texting while walking through the mall, and fall in the fountain. Except when I do it, I'm going to grab a handful of change.

The woman is angry at mall security for posting the video online. Understandable.
She is also angry they laughed at her instead of helping her. Understandable, on the part of mall security.
And now she is considering a lawsuit because she became an international laughing stock as a result of the video being leaked. That is going too far. And it earns Cathy Cruz Marrero the oversensitive babies and frivolous lawsuit tags.

Song of the Week

"I Don't Want to Go" - Freddie Jackson
So nice to see this guy back. It's been 20 years since he rocked it with hits like "Rock Me Tonight" and "You Are my Lady." He looks a lot different (skinnier) and sounds different (like Ronald Isley or something) but he's still awesome.

And This Year's Golden Globes Joke Award Winner Is...

January Jones from "Mad Men" shows off her Golden Globes.



Runner-up was Sofia Vergara from "Modern Family" but she seems a little too obvious.



And she didn't need me, she made the joke herself

The NFL is Poop - Divisional Playoffs

Look Who’s Talking Now
The Jets backed up all their trash talk by beating New England 28-21 in New England. The key was the pressure the Jets were able to get on Tom Brady. It wasn’t only the 5 sacks, it just seemed like they really rattled him. Even in situations where the Jets didn’t get pressure on him, he still wasn’t able to hit the big play. Revis of course was Revis, but Cromartie didn’t get burned as they thought he would. The Jets meanwhile were able to ride a very balanced offense to the victory. While Mark Sanchez will get (and deserve) a lot of credit he owes his receivers a debt of gratitude. Great plays from Santonio Holmes (sick catch in the corner) and Jerricho Cotchery (hurdle along the sidelines) helped Sanchez look a lot better.

This Isn't Nazi Germany
Bill Belichick is a hardass. He has his way, and he rigorously sticks to it. And of course he thinks his way is best. And he was willing to hurt his team in a playoff game to prove his tight-lipped policy is superior to Rex Ryan’s open mouth. He benched Wes Welker for the start of the game because of his pre-game press conference.



I thought that was quite funny, “foot soldiers,” “quick feet,” and “toe in the water.” Cheesy puns but under the circumstances quite funny.

My Favorite Moment of the Weekend
Bears cornerback Charles "Peanut" Tillman's self-inflicted punishment after dropping a sure interception. Tillman gets down and gives me 20 push-ups, like Willie Mays Hayes.



The Bears Don't Suck
All season long I have derided the Bears as being a bad team that got lucky. This assumption was based on the controversial win over the Lions in Week 1, another win over the Cowboys in week 2 in which the offensive line got destroyed, the offfensive line getting historically demolished against the Giants, and a turnover laden mess against the Redskins. Somehow, some way the offensive line improved, Jay Cutler stopped taking bad chances and the defense reasserted itself as a championship caliber unit. Now the Bears are hosting the NFC championship game.

I Don't Believe in Momentum, But...
The interception return for a touchdown by Tramon Williams at the end of the first half was the closest thing I've seen to a game-changing play. The Falcons seemed likely to cut the Packers lead to 21-17 at the half, trailing, but definitely still in the game. That play made the lead 14, silenced the crowd and turned the Falcons desparate. 48-21 seems like a game the Falcons had no chance to win, but they did, until that interception.

Play to Win the Game
We saw a few plays this weekend (the above pass by Matt Ryan, the fake punt by the Patriots) that showed teams thought taking big chances was necessary to win these games. While some of them didn't work out, either for imprudent decision-making or poor execution, the Pittsburgh Steelers put their victory away with a huge gamble. About two minutes left, 3rd and 19 on their own 38. Instead of trying to kill time and punt the Steelers went for the jugular with Ben Roethlisberger nailing a 58-yard pass to Antonio Brown setting up the game winning touchdown.

Play to the Whistle
One of the most bizarre plays I've ever seen occurred when Terrell Suggs knocked the ball out of Ben Roethlisberger's hand from behind, sending the ball flying forward, and appearing to anyone who didn't see where it came from, to have been a forward pass. That's why a couple players on each team looked down at the ball and didn't fall on it. Cory Redding was aware and scored a touchdown that did turn the game -- for a while -- until the Ravens own turnovers turned the game back.

Play The Game the Right Way
The Ravens-Steelers game was marred by two things, turnovers and penalties. Nearly every play of the game was followed by pushing and shoving by the two teams. No one was more guilty of chippiness than Hines Ward. He is a dirty player and is always involved in something.

Weekly Picks

I'm choosing the wrong time to start missing best bets. We saw 3 favorites and 3 road teams win last week. This week we see all 4 favorites hold serve.

ATLANTA -1 1/2 green bay
Basically a pick'em game and since the Falcons are home and they have a win over the Packers already I'm going to expect them to ride a conservative offense to another close victory.

PITTSBURGH -3 1/2 baltimore
Complete toss-up. I really like the Ravens but something about the Steelers says they aren't going to lose this one. I could see it being a field goal game but I'm going with the Steelers because of the perceived strength of their home field advantage.

CHICAGO -10 seattle
Too much attention on Seattle this week. One game cannot erase a whole season of mediocrity -- or worse. Their offense played well last week but the Bears defense is a whole level about New Orleans. I also think Cutler will play a good game because he won't fall behind and have to take a lot of chances.

BEST BET
NEW ENGLAND -8 1/2 new york jets
The trash talking has nothing to do with it. The Patriots are just a better team. I think they will be able to stop the run and Brady will pick on Cromartie and the Patriots will get another big victory.

Last week: 2-2 (1 point)
Season: 47-42 (49 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (10-8)
Home Favorites: 0-1 (17-15)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (2-0)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (17-18)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (11-9)

Does Anyone Remember Mr. Bailey's First Name?

Throughout my education I was convinced I was smarter than most of my teachers, few of whom cared about their jobs, they were just in it for the pension.
Obviously many people including my parents disagreed (hard to fathom a 9-year old being smarter than Mrs. Manifold, but I was) with one notable exception. By far the dumbest teacher to ever disgrace the profession was our 7th grade math teacher Mr. Bailey.
There is a website that allows you to look up salaries and pensions of New York City and State public employees.
Master Bates and I have been feverishly looking up old teachers and other personnel ($57k per year for David Dinkins? really?) but the one person I couldn't find (maybe that's good because I would be outraged that even a dime of taxpayer money is going to that asshole, is Mr. Bailey, because I don't remember his first name. I tried George but that didn't work, even though it sounded right. I guess the reason it sounded right is because of James Stewart's character in "It's a Wonderful Life."
So I still don't know how much the city is paying that incompetent hack for his years of service playing hardball.

Is Julian a Poor Bastard?

I sent this picture of Julian in his Redskins outfit to Master Bates and he wrote back "Poor bastard, a lifetime of suffering."

Song of the Week

"King of Anything" - Sara Bareilles
This sounds like a happy, cheerful song but I hear some anguish in it. Behind this pop hit is a guy wishing he never dumped Sara Bareilles. These complaints seem too specific to not have been personal experiences.

Julian Eats For the First Time

I think he'd rather have a steak

This is What Happens When the Knicks are Good

The Knicks are finally good which drew a particularly star-studded crowd to the Staples Center for their annual visit.

Of course Spike Lee was there.


And Jack Nicholson. You can see Clyde's jacket in the background.


And Jack is sitting next to Adam Sandler.


Lindsay Lohan was the star of the show. Seated next to a presumably gay jewelry designer.


The really smokin hot Ciara


Denzel Washington tries to get some.


Which one is Will.I.am's date, the older Asian lady or the fat guy.


Dr. Dre can't believe Will.I.am has better seats.


Khloe Kardashian roots on her husband


Matthew Morrison from Glee enjoys his 15 minutes because next year when he calls for tickets they're going to say "I'm sorry, who are you?"


Is George Lopez even considered a celebrity anymore?


Oof! Didn't Michelle Trachtenberg used to be hot, or at least cute?


Get a rebound, pleeeeeeeeese

Why?

9-year-old Christina Taylor Green was among the 6 people killed in Tucson, Arizona over the weekend. Several others were injured including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, who was the target of the attack.



Christina was attending the event with her neighbor. Christina wanted to meet a Congresswoman because she had just been elected to the student council at her school.

Christina was a second baseman on her Little League team, the only girl on her squad. She loved baseball, like her grandfather, former Mets manager Dallas Green.

Green said "I can't believe my princess is gone."

Christina was born on September 11th, 2001. She used to think her date of birth was a "holiday" until her parents corrected her. But she was a ray of hope emerging from the worst manmade disaster in U.S. history. Sadly, her death marks another one.

Weekly Picks

What an idiot I am for picking the Jaguars as my best bet. That might have ruined my season. If I had just picked New England instead I'd have 50 which is 1 point off the desired 3-per-week pace. But now the playoffs are here and there is plenty of time to make up for it.

new orleans -10 SEATTLE
I wanted to make this one my best bet but it seems a little too obvious, and fraught with risks. The Seahawks have lost 9 times this season, all by margins greater than 10. In fact the closest they were in defeat all season was losing to New Orleans 34-19. But here's my fear. The Saints are up 27-10 late. They have the ball and can't run it for a first down because all they have is Reggie Bush and Julius Jones. Seattle gets it back and scores a garbage touchdown to break the spread. I normally don't worry about things like that, but it seems too plausible in this situation.

new york jets +3 INDIANAPOLIS
I think with all the injuries for the Colts this matchup actually plays into the Jets hands. If Revis and Cromartie can cover the outside receivers Manning is going to have to rely on Jacob Tamme. The key will be Mark Sanchez but this doesn't seem like a defense that will really give him major problems.

baltimore -3 KANSAS CITY
I actually think Kansas City has been very underrated all season, not just in terms of their record, but in terms of their talent. They are not a group of overachieving underdogs. They have a lot of good players on both sides of the ball. But I like the Ray-vens Rays (Rice and Lewis) to take control of this game and eke out a victory.

BEST BET
PHILADELPHIA -2 1/2 green bay
The only game this weekend that can't end in a push. That scares me, honestly. I also like that a lot of people are taking Green Bay. They think that Green Bay's pressure will get to Vick but yes, Vick will take sacks but when he is pressured he runs, and when he runs he is most effective. He is not a pocket passer, even though he can throw that deep ball, the Eagles offense is better when he is out of the pocket running.

Last week: 3-2 (2 points)
Season: 45-40 (48 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (10-7)
Home Favorites: 2-0 (17-14)
Home Underdogs: 1-0 (2-0)
Road Favorites: 0-2 (16-17)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (10-9)

NFL Playoff Predictions

Wild Card Round
New Orleans over Seattle
New York over Indianapolis
Baltimore over Kansas City
Philadelphia over Green Bay

Divisional Round
New England over New York
Pittsburgh over Baltimore
Philadelphia over Chicago
Atlanta over New Orleans

Conference Championships
New England over Pittsburgh
Philadelphia over Atlanta

Super Bowl
New England 35 Philadelphia 24

Please place your picks in the comments section

I Would Give Him a Dollar to Record My Outgoing Voicemail Message

I often talk about something (though surprisingly I have never written about it here) called the Life Points Theory or PALPT. Basically it postulates that we are all of equal talents and blessings. Those among us who have one amazing gift are often robbed of abilities in other areas (really good looking dumb people, socially awkward geniuses, in the rare case, Stephen Hawking). That brings us to the story of Ted Williams, a homeless man in Columbus, Ohio who gained reknown among locals for his amazing voice.

Watch what happens when a crew from the Columbus Dispatch rolls up on Williams:



That clip has gone viral and the offers are pouring in for Williams. He's reportedly got offers from the Cleveland Cavaliers to do in-arena announcing. Even NFL Films might be interested. Imagine how many bbms Juice and I would exchange about an episode narrated by that guy.

Seems like Mr. Williams is simply a man who fell on hard times, some of it self-inflicted, and is now willing to admit his mistakes, accept responsibility and move on with his great gifts. I wish him the best and hope to hear him voicing over NFL highlights in the near future.

The NFL is Poop - Week 17

Life is Not Fair
There are lot of people complaining that the Seattle Seahawks don't belong in the playoffs at 7-9, especially not when the 10-6 Giants and ExpensiveCornPrices are sitting home. Those two teams both beat the Seahawks during the season, 41-7 and 38-15 respectively. I totally understand the fairness issue but I warn about making sweeping rule changes to fix a problem that comes along very seldom.
Let's look at what's wrong with the possible solutions:
1) Never allow a losing team into the playoffs. This one makes the most sense from the surface but I don't like something with this much inconsistency. Wouldn't it have been weird if last night's game could have put the Rams in if they won, but if the Seahawks won, the Giants would have gotten in? Makes no sense.
2) Throw out divisions, the 6 best records get in. I don't like this because you want to keep as many teams in contention for as long as possible and you want to keep division rivalries. It would be very unbalanced scheduling if you kept the division alignments but didn't reward division winners.
3) Award home-field playoff games to the team with the better record. This I could get behind. I see no reason why division winners need to be rewarded with a home playoff game.

Rex Grossman: Quarterback of the Future
Only a few months ago Donovan McNabb was coming to the Redskins with something to prove and Michael Vick was mired on the bench behind Kevin Kolb. Now Michael Vick is runner-up for MVP and Donovan McNabb has an uncertain future. There is no way in the world McNabb comes back to the Redskins next season, whenever that is. I think the Vikings are a good landing place for him. I think the Redskins will draft a quarterback but since it won't be Andrew Luck, it will be someone else who needs time to develop (Jake Locker?) I think they need to give Grossman the time to prove he's learned and grown through his NFL career.



The Giants Have No One to Blame But Themselves
A lot of Giants fans are crying right now (because Giants fans are big babies) about finishing 10-6 and missing out on the playoffs to a team with a worse record by 3 games, that they beat by 34 earlier this season. But after two straight debacles against the Eagles and Packers the Giants have to look no further than the man in the mirror. Eli Manning through [oops] 25 INTs, and the Giants lost 17 fumbles, you just can't make up for that even when you lead the league in takeaways. But there is good news for Giants fans. They have great young players at many offensive positions, they are great up front on defense, and by erasing a few mistakes they could easily have been 12-4 or 13-3.



If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New England 31 Atlanta 14
I will go into breaking down this week's matchups and the entire postseason in separate posts this week but right now the Pats are playing above the rim. Some team would have to come out like a house of fire, injure Tom Brady, take the ball away 5 times to beat the Patriots in New England in the AFC playoffs. I could see the Falcons, Eagles and maybe Packers giving them a hard time in the Super Bowl, but I doubt it.

I Think His Nose is Broken

Watch the UFC long enough and you will see some pretty gruesome things. Usually it's just a lot of blood (like Diego Sanchez after a beating from BJ Penn). You even see cuts so bad they get their own nickname like Marvin Eastman's Goat's Vagina. Sometimes you see a guy get his eye punched swollen shut like Josh Koscheck after GSP got through with him. And there is the occassional broken bone, like the freak broken leg Corey Hill suffered when his kick was checked.

But Saturday night during UFC 125 Brandon Vera's broken nose was so bad it even disgusted Vera himself. He saw his hideous visage on the Jumbotron and shielded his eyes.

Song of the Week

"Rhythm of the Night" - DeBarge

Whom Would You Vote For?

I always get worked up over Hall of Fame voting, especially baseball, even though I say I won't. This year there are a lot of interesting candidates. I don't want to analyze stats on them, just give a quick reaction to them:
Roberto Alomar - YES, best at his position during his era.
Jeff Bagwell - YES, phenenomenal offensive stats. His numbers hold up compared to players over other generations even when adjusted for era. I am pretty sure he was juiced but since his name has never even come up, even I find that hard to hold against him.
Bert Blyleven - NO, good pitcher for a long time, never great, too many negative stats.
Juan Gonzalez - NO, really good for too short a time, and an obvious steroid user.
Barry Larkin - YES, he wasn't quite Cal Ripken but he was second best shortstop during his playing career and that includes an MVP award -- rare for a shortstop.
Edgar Martinez - YES, his offensive stats are beyond compare. If you aren't going to allow designated hitters into the the Hall now matter how good they are, then you shouldn't have the designated hitter. Closers get in, and they only pitch one inning.
Mark McGwire - NO, a marginal Hall of Famer otherwise, but now that we know he cheated, I say no way
Rafael Palmeiro - NO, the only one of these guys actually caught by the testing. It would be impossible to keep someone with his numbers out of the Hall if not for the steroids.
Larry Walker - YES, but for purely selfish reasons

Here's the big problem with how I voted and the way many real Hall of Fame voters are voting: if you keep out known steroid users, what happens if someone you voted in, whom you had no prior reason to suspect of steroid use, later admits usage, do you revoke their induction?

Predictions for 2011

1. Mrs. Poop and I will not have a single fight all year. So far, so good
2. Julian will learn to walk and talk
3. His first word will be "Chase"
4. He'll probably say something like "Chay" but Mrs. Bates will tell us it still counts
5. This is the year Chase finally starts to take interest in the Mets
6. The Mets will trade Jose Reyes
7. The Patriots, Phillies and Heat will win the Super Bowl, World Series and NBA Finals
8. The Super Bowl will be the last NFL game played in 2011
9. Unemployment will fall to 8.4% in December
10. The Dow will hit 13,000
11. When Sirius-XM shares hit $2 I will e-mail TON "when your stock is up, your cock is up"
12. Razor will experience great personal growth when she ceases working from home and moves to a real office, surrounded by real people instead of cats
13. Razor will no longer have time to scour her computer to send me pictures of GauntSkott from back when he was FatScat and tipping the scales at nearly 3 bills
14. Nails will scream "DIE!" at the TV while watching a sporting event
15. The Concierge will reply to a bbm within two days of it being sent
16. Billie and Alison will have a very hard time deciding which of them their new baby resembles most
17. I'll blame Coach Boeheim for Syracuse's eventual loss in the NCAA Tournament
18. JLeary will remain my favorite Poophead as TON and Billie get too busy with parenthood to read this blog
19. Cain Velazquez will beat Junior Dos Santos but lose the UFC Heavyweight belt to Shane Carwin
20. Jonny Bones Jones will be UFC Light Heavyweight Champion
21. Reissberg will spill food on his shirt
22. Juice will propose but he won't get down on one knee because he can't stay still that long

Fun in the Snow

While some of you were bitching about the snow and the fact that lazy union workers didn't plow your streets for five days as an illegal protest against layoffs and budget cuts, Chase and I were making the best of it.

We went to Cora's house and went down the slide into a huge pile of snow.



Then I helped smooth out a nice track of hard packed down snow to sled on.



And then I pushed Chase down the hill so he got going really fast. By the end it became like a bobsled or luge course where if the kids leaned too far to one side they would have wiped out. And the straighter they stayed the faster they went.



Then when we got home we built a huge pile of snow, and the next day we dug out a hole to create Fort Chase. Chase wanted to take his nap in there and looking into bringing a TV into his Fortress of Solitude.