The Mets Really Want David Wright to Be the Starting Third Baseman in the All-Star Game

David Wright is the best third baseman in the National League. It would be a real shame if he didn't get voted into the game as the starter, especially because this year's game is at CitiField.
The Mets have been actively trying to drum up support for Wright, and according to the New York Post they ever reached out to the website cougarlife.com. Apparently the cougars on that site voted David their hottest cub.
A low-level Mets marketing employee allegedly sent this e-mail to someone at cougarlife:

"Wondering if you would be able to blog/post a story asking your users (who apparently admire David and would love seeing him play in the All-Star Game) to go to the below link to vote David and #VoteWrightNow as he needs their help."

The Mets however decided teaming up with the Cougars wasn't in the best interest of the franchise but they did acknowledge a little harmless flirting.
David is engaged to model Molly Beers, clearly no relation to Pa Beers.

Song of the Week

"Keep on Pushing" - The Impressions
I heard this song in a LeBron commercial and couldn't get it out my head.
That great falsetto is the voice of Curtis Mayfield, whom I believe is in the back of this picture.

Michael Douglas Recants, Says Catherine Zeta-Jones's Pussy Didn't Cause His Cancer

Michael Douglas caused a shitstorm around the world, and most likely in his own bedroom when he said, of his throat cancer "this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus."
Douglas was forced, presumably by his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones to retract that statement. Now he says he meant that other people get throat cancer this way. His was caused by something completely different.
Except that's not what the statistics say. According to the CDC, Each year in the U.S., HPV is thought to cause an estimated

2,100 vulvar cancers,
500 vaginal cancers,
600 penile cancers,
2,800 anal cancers in women,
1,500 anal cancers in men,
1,700 oropharyngeal cancers in women,*
6,700 oropharyngeal cancers in men.*

*Note: Other factors, notably tobacco and alcohol use, may also play a role with HPV to cause these cancers.

So even the CDC says thousands of men get exactly this type of cancer from HPV every year.



You may remember that Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer, likely from HPV, almost assuredly from the diseased cock of Ryan O'Neal.

The lesson as always kids: be careful out there.

A Gr-ate Day

Today is an amazing day, two incredibly beautiful women who share my love, also share a first name, a birthday and a cup size.
Happy birthday to Mrs. Poop and Kate Upton.



And by the way, this is not a nipslip. It's not even an areola slip. It got close, but I really think it's irresponsible of the tabloids to use that term for a false alarm/near miss. If the cat daddy video didn't do it, there's no way some frolicking on the beach will.

What Do You Give Me For? Magic Johnson's Gay Son, EJ and Roz from Monster's University

What do you give me for Magic Johnson's Gay Son, EJ and Roz from Monster's University?

Should the Mets Call Up Zack Wheeler?

Given the incredible success of Matt Harvey, and the complete lack of success of every other player the Mets have called up from the minor leagues in the past 5 years, Mets fans are dying for Zack Wheeler, the player acquired for Carlos Beltran, to come up and dominate like Matt Harvey is doing.
But they should wait. Just a couple more months. Three reasons why the Mets should wait to bring him up.



1) Performance
Wheeler is not dominating in the minor leagues. He's 4-1 with a 3.86 ERA in 58 1/3 innings. His FIP is even higher meaning he's benefiting slightly from good defense. He's striking out 9.1 batters per 9 innings which is excellent. He's allowing 1.23 homers per 9 innings which is horrible. But the smaller ballparks and thinner air of the Pacific Coast League are certainly contributing to that and he would surely find CitiField to be a friendlier place to pitch. But his walk rate of 3.76/9 innings is also too high and that has been consistently high his entire minor league career no matter where he's pitched. It's pretty likely he will always be that way, but the point is, he is not dominating the minor leagues to the point where an immediate call-up is necessary.
2) Reality
The Mets stink. There is no reason to rush a player to the major leagues in the middle of another disastrously bad season. No reason to subject him to the bad defense and anemic offense that is holding Matt Harvey's win total at 5, despite the excellent season he is having.

Since Wheeler can't help the Mets win (enough), and he's not blowing away the competition in the minors, the Mets should wait to bring him up.

Wait until when?

July 6th.

3) Money
If the Mets bring up Zack Wheeler now, after his second full season in the majors (2015) he would likely be eligible for arbitration under a rule called "Super-2." Most players aren't arbitration eligible until after their third full season, except for Super-2s. How do you become a Super-2? By being in the top 22% of players in your class, but you must also have at last 86 days of service, which he couldn't get if he's called up on July 6th.

I know some of you are turning up your noses at my suggestion that the Mets use the tactics favored by small-market teams like the Rays and the A's, when they play in the largest market in the country.

Look at it this way, if the Mets bring him up in the next 30 days, they will likely have to pay him a much higher salary in 2016 than they would if they keep him down. So they would be trading whatever performance he's going to deliver in 5 or 6 starts in the middle of this dreadful season for millions of dollars down the line, if he has the career we hope he will.

If you would still call him up now, you are thinking with your heart and not your head. And that type of thinking dug the hole the Mets are still trying to escape from.

I think we can wait one more month to get Zack Wheeler and Matt Harvey back together at CitiField

Song of the Week

"Turn on the Lights" - Future
You may not like this song but at least the cat has a different style, which I find interesting.

Good Boychick Wins the Spelling Bee

I don't think Arvind Mahankali is Jewish. I doubt he's ever been to a kosher deli. But thanks to his knowledge of traditional Jewish cuisine, Arvind is the 2013 Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion.



"May I have the language of origin please?
German-derived Yiddish"

I don't know why the audience found that so funny. But did you notice the example sentence? "Max hoped to find at least one more knaidel in his soup bowl but all he discovered was his missing lower denture." Who is the smartass who writes these things?



Story suggested by Master Bates

What Do You Give Me For? J.C. Penney Teapot and Hitler

What do you give me for J.C. Penney Teapot and Hitler?
Before you dismiss this as the insane rantings of an angry Jew, take a good look. The teapot was featured on a billboard and drivers kept stopping to take pictures of it because it does bear some resemblance to Hitler. It's a little abstract but the handle is the hair. The knob on the lid is the mustache. The spout is the Hitler salute. It may not be a 10 but it's closer than you think.

Song of the Week

"What's My Name" - Snoop Doggy Dogg
"Nine-trizzy's the yizzy
for me to fuck up shit."
Can't believe this song is 20 years old already. This whole era of "Nuthin But a G Thang" and "Dre Day" plus this song are what got me interested in rap music as a teenager.

A Misplaced Space

I don't really need to write too much about this one. The person who writes the scroll from MLB Network pressed the space bar at the wrong time and instead of "players hitting" it displayed "player shitting." And it ran during "Bad News Bears Breaking Training."

Getting Some Use Out of the "Stupid Things I Do Because They'd Make Good Blog Posts" Tag

Turns out I was able to find a few affordable things still remaining on the wedding registry for Rebecca Liddicoat and Robert Griffin III.



So I sent the couple a lovely orange Kate Spade bath towel.
I've gotten a little more information about this that has turned me slightly against the Griffins. First, they should have made the registry private and given the password to family and friends. Second, there is also an option where the couple could donate 50% or even 100% of the value of the gifts to charity. That would have been nice. They're of course under no obligation to do so, but to not do either of those things makes it seem like they wanted gifts from fans. But we have to go back to the elemental reason you buy someone a gift, to show them you care about them, to make them happy, and because it brings joy to the sender to make the recipient happy. All those reasons still apply here so I am happy I did it and I hope they use my bath towel in good health.

Song of the Week

"A Couple of Forevers" - Chrisette Michele
More fire from one of my favorite neo-soul artists. With a great sample from the classic "Stairway to Heaven" by the O'Jays.
"I'm not asking you for much
Just a couple of forevers"

For All He's Done For Us

Robert Griffin III has done a lot of great work, at considerable personal harm, to restore the once great Redskins. To express gratitude for his efforts Redskins fans bought almost every single item (under $50) of his wedding registry at Bed Bath and Beyond.
RGIII even posted this picture of himself with all these boxes to thank the fans.



But now some people are criticizing him, saying he is rich and he shouldn't accept gifts from fans who earn so much less than him, he should donate them to charity.

First of all, as much as I admire RGIII and Rebecca Liddicoat, they're not William and Kate. There is nothing wrong with them setting up a registry for family and friends, and there's nothing wrong with fans sending them gifts. If I had thought about it before everything was bought, I might have sent something. Just to get a thank you card from the couple would have been nice.

My previous post about Rebecca Liddicoat may have been a little harsh. I said she wasn't pretty enough to be with a star quarterback the caliber of RGIII. But now I am reconsidering. I kind of like the fact that they were registered somewhere normal like Bed Bath & Beyond as opposed to some place ridiculous like Michael C Fina. It shows that they are good salt of the earth people, and that she isn't marrying him for his money, and he isn't marrying her just for her looks. So let's hope they have a long happy life together enjoying gravy from the gravy boats their fans bought.

Always Be Alert for Batted Balls

I have never caught a foul ball at a baseball game. Probably because I usually don't sit close enough. But if I were ever in that position I hope I would snag the ball as gracefully as this guy and the Mets-Cubs game, and without tumbling over the railing into the section below.



But I would never want to be this guy. Through hardly any fault of his own a foul ball smashed his beer cup and doused 13 people (someone counted).



No surprise the ball was hit by the Mighty Pooh Holes. It takes a strong man to douse that many people.

One-Point-Nine Million Dollars to See Bea Arthur Naked

An anonymous buyer paid $1.9M for this painting of Bea Arthur. Dorothy Zbornak did not pose for this nude, the image comes solely from the mind of artist John Currin who painted it in 1991.



Click here to see the NOT SAFE FOR WORK version of Bea Arthur Nude

Millions of Kids Love These, Yours Will Too

1 billion youtube hits for videos like Psy's "Gangnam Style" and Justin Bieber's "Baby" sounds believable, considering those artists have huge promotional machines behind them. But nothing can explain the popularity of these videos, except that kids like to watch the same things over and over, and parents are happy to put their kids in front of the computer for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Here they are, four inexplicably popular youtube videos for kids.

The Gummy Bear Song - 325 million (but there are probably another 325 million views for different languages of this idiotic song)



Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - 234 million (the song is a classic, the video is cool, but not cool enough to explain these hits)



The Lion Sleeps Tonight featuring the Happy Hippo and Stan - 27 million (this one I actually understand, the song is a classic and easy to understand and the dog's dance moves make kids laugh)

Note: the most popular version is not available for embed, but even the backup version has 8 million views.



The Duck Song - 130 million (this is one we love, funny and silly and unique and creative. It even spawned 2 more Duck songs)

Funny or Douchey?

Randomly inserted in 2012 Bowman boxes were 10 golden contracts, entitling the signee to a $500 signing bonus, a Yu Darvish autographed baseball and a chance at the grand prize, your own card in the 2013 Bowman set. The winner is a card shop owner from Las Vegas named Marcel Bilak.



Is Bilak's double thumbs up pose funny or douchey?



They are doing this again this year, except there are 25 contracts, no signing bonus and a 4%, instead of 10% chance of getting your own card. There's only one of these contracts on eBay, listed for $1500, but I think $300-$400 is a more realistic value.

I think if I got my own card I would try to grow my hair out and recreate this Oscar Gamble 1976 Topps card.



Or maybe I can piss off Mrs. Poop and recreate Glenn Hubbard's 1984 Fleer card



Maybe I could have Chase and Julian chase me like Steve Finley did in his 2002 Fleer Ultra



Probably the best thing would be to recreate the famous 1989 Bill Ripken Fleer, but instead of Fuck Face I could write Poop on the knob on the bat.



True story: I gave Mrs. Poop that card for Mother's Day and told her I wanted to give her a gift that would always remind her of me, every time she looked at it.

I Met Joe

I've been reading a lot of reviews on the season finale of "How I Met Your Mother" most of them were negative, implying the reveal wasn't dramatic enough or my mother wasn't shocking enough ("I waited 8 years for that" was the general sentiment). I just kind of wrote those negative Nellies off as the cynics who troll the internet without ever saying anything nice. I was happy to read an article on the New York Post that was a little more favorable, and like me, hopeful about what will transpire in the final season.

But I was unhappy to read what the Post titled the post.



"How I met yo mama!!!!!!!"

The Post has since changed it to simply what the article was headlined, which is standard for pretty much every other newspaper site. I'm not exactly sure how a mistake like this happened but my internet experts say there was probably an internal line where the writer used this flippant shorthand to title the story, and it accidentally got copied and pasted into something that would be made public.

Not a big deal, actually kind of funny, and the kind of stuff only the Poop notices, and only the Poop brings to you, my loyal Poopheads.

Song of the Week

"Chloe (You're The One I Want)" - Emblem3
These guys put One Direction to shame. I wish my name were Chloe.