New Jib-Jab Video

If you watched CNN you would know, jib-jab is out with a new video skewering the President. But it's actually pretty funny. The guy filling up his SUV has the best line.

Courteney Cox's Future Husband Gets Promoted

Mr Zucker, who had been the president of the NBC Universal Television Group, will now be chief executive of a larger media entity that encompasses everything from new programme development to sales and distribution, English and Spanish-language television stations and digital operations. From his new post, he will also oversee the group's Olympic coverage, and could be in position to one day succeed Bob Wright as NBC Universal's chairman.

Weekly Picks

Bad week last week. I went 2-4, my first sub-.500 week of the season, lowering my season total to 34-20. Harley and Adam dropped 4 points behind the leader into a three-way death match for second, third and fourth place. Only the top 3 spots earn money so we are in a race to the finish.
Before I begin I'd like to take a moment to discuss the bloodshed last week. With a record number of favorites covering in Week 13, I fully expected some upsets in Week 14. I underestimated just how wide spread the nuclear winter would be. Instead of going with my year-long strategy (pick with your balls, not your brains), I played it safe and took all 6 favorites. And we all know how that turned out. This week we get back to slinging it around the field, and if we don't win, don't blame Adam or Harley. The buck stops here.

DOLPHINS -8.5 jets: New York is putrid, and they won last week. Now that Miami dones't care about winning anymore they are actually a pretty good team. But they are also coming of a huge win. But I think they can cover this spread. I think Nick Saban took the attention away from his team with his rant and I expect Miami to kill New York.

TEXANS +1.5 cardinals: I know I keep saying it but I love Arizona. This small spread makes the game basically a pick'em. In that case I'll go with Arizona every time. Especially because it looks like Houston is throwing the games. Last 3 lossses: blow 21 point lead to Rams, take 15-13 lead and allow Kyle Boller to go 32 yards in less than a minute to beat you 16-15, and last week, kicker shanks one to avoid a tie.

COLTS -7.5 chargers: All good things must come to an end. The streak ends here. A pissed of San Diego team, mad at losing to Miami, mad at Josh for calling them whale vagina, mad at Mario Lopez and every other douchebag for imploring them to stay classy is going to play inspired football and kick Indianapolis's ass. If San Diego doesn't win outright they will at least be the first team to play Indy within a touchdown all season.

SAINTS +7.5 panthers: I'm struggling with this one due to the success of my backup quarterback theory. I know Aaron Brooks sucks and that New Orleansis probably better off without him. But Todd Bauman is no Brad Johnson. Carolina let their division lead slip away last week and I don't see a similar letdown coming again. I predict Carolina covers and Steve Smith does a stupid touchdown celebration to keep up with his former junior college teammate, Chad Johnson.

JAGUARS -15.5 49ers: I know San Francisco is horrible, especially on the road. But David Garrard led them to 3 points before the Colts defense gave up last week. All San Francisco needs is one touchdown to cover this spread.

VIKINGS -3.5 steelers: All good things must come to an end. Pittsburgh is just too physical for Minnesota. I also think Roethlisberger proved he can play with his injury therefore minimizing any Tommy Maddox worries. Minnesota also had to deal with the news of these charges against four players (Free Fred Smoot!) but who knows if they will once again react positively to that bad situation. Either way I love the Bus and Pittsburgh in this one.

RAVENS +3.5 packers: I know Brett Favre is just having fun. And I know he's the old gunslinger. I know I fuckin hate him now. I think Green Bay will win by a field goal again, meaning Baltimore is the pick.

You the One Who Got my Sister Pregnant

Interesting twist to this year's Fiesta Bowl featuring Notre Dame against The Ohio State University. Derek's favorite porn star lookalike, AJ Hawk is dating the sister of Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn.
Laura Quinn, a California college student pursuing a career in sports broadcasting, reportedly met Hawk through mutual friends, but Hawk wouldn't give details.
And what if Hawk is blitzing and gets a clean shot at perhaps his future brother-in-law?
"Hopefully I don't miss the tackle," he said. "I try to take everyone's head off. I'm not going to play any differently. If it's my own brother, I wouldn't change my play."
Hawk said he and Laura Quinn had been "trying for a little bit" to keep their relationship under wraps. "But we kind of realized once it got out that it might get big," he said.
Hawk didn't exactly deny a rumor going around South Bend, Ind., that he's spending Christmas at the Quinns'.
"On Christmas Day I'll be back in Centerville with my family," he said.
Hawk said he has not had a sit-down dinner with Laura and Brady Quinn and their family.
Hawk said there isn't any debate on whom she will be rooting for. "I tell her she's rooting for her brother," Hawk said. "She better; she's known him a lot longer than me."

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Holla if you hear me!
I got the hook up!
Great news loyal NUCU readers!
Romeo suffered a basketball injury and had to drop out of the second season of Dancing with the Stars.
He is being replaced by his father, Percy Miller, aka Master P.

Former NFL Lineman Dies

Earlier today I saw on TV that a car ran off the road, knocked over a fire hydrant and ran into a bus. Former NFL lineman Darrell Russell was in that car.
Russell was the second pick in the 1997 NFL Draft, behind Orlando Pace but ahead of Tony Gonzalez, Warrick Dunn and Walter Jones. Russell played the with Raiders, Buccaneers and very briefly the Redskins.
He could not stay out of trouble and had a couple suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy.
He was also involved in a bizarre incident in which he was accused of drugging a woman and then having two of his friends have sex with the woman while he recorded it on his video camera and shouted out directions, like "give her the business."
A sad end to an all-too-familiar story, people who seemingly have everything end up with nothing.

Colored Persons Love Donovan

The mainstream media finally picked up on a story NUCU brought to you last week. The head of the Philadelphia NAACP, J. Whyatt Mondesire, ripped Donovan McNabb, insulting as both a football player and black man.
Earlier this week Donovan expressed his disappointment and now the head of the NAACP is apologizing to Donovan.
NAACP president and CEO Bruce S. Gordon said, "The NAACP has many civil rights issues that require our attention. Criticizing Donovan McNabb is not one of them."

My Name is Rey Ordonez

Bill used to tell girls he was Billy McCaffery because he thought that was cool. Utah Jazz guard Deron Williams told cops his name was Torry Ellis, because he's an idiot. Now Williams and bench-warming teammate Robert Whaley, a 6-foot-10 center who told police he was Bobby Williams, were each cited with one count of providing false information to a peace officer.
They got into a fight at a bar in Park City Utah after some Nuggets fans told them they didn't like the Jazz.
Someone told the cop that Williams and Whaley were on the Jazz, he looked them up on the internet and recognized them. That's how a little lie turns into a big problem.
We have no idea where Williams conjured up the pseudonym Torry Ellis.

My Dad is Gonna Love This

My dad hates loud music at sporting events. So this should be music to his ears. In an ESPN.com NBA commissioner David Stern said "most of our teams don't [hate the loud music] and think that the fans like the entertainment. We're trying to find a few games to experiment with for teams to give us a "silent night" so to speak."

The Genius of Justin

The picture of my friend Andy in the penguin suit was digitally doctored by Justin.
Check out his handiwork:

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother is a good show on CBS that I don't think very many of you are watching. You should be.
First you have Ted, the dorky hopeless romantic, star of the show. The I in How I Met Your Mother. Bob Saget voices Ted in 2030, telling his future kids the story of How I Met Your Mother.
In the first episode, Ted meets a girl, takes her out and at the end of the episode Bob Saget tells the kids, "that's how I met...your Aunt Robin."
Robin is now a valued addition to the cast as the hot brunette in the picture above.
She also provides a female cohort for Alyson Hanigan, who basically reprises her role as band camp girl. She is engaged to Ted's roommate Marshall.
They add a good dimension because the show has something for singles and couples. For instance Mike and Stacey loved the episode in which Marshall and Lily feel they should become a more mature couple so they host a wine tasting at their apartment.
But the best character on the show is Barney. Played by Neil Patrick Harris aka Doogie aka NPH. He is constantly trying to get laid and tries to rope Ted into being his wingman. He wears suits to impress girls and implores Ted to "suit up."
Barney originated the "dating lemon law" which allows you to walk away from a bad date after 5 minutes. He was ecstatic when a girl used it on him. "Its gonna be a thing."
On Thanksgiving Barney took Ted to a strip club where Ted met a stripper, then told his future kids, "That's how I met your mother." The future kids (and Kate and I) were shocked, but it was just a joke. We still don't know how he met my mother.
The Halloween episode was classic also. Barney loves Halloween because it gives girls the opportunity to dress like sluts, guilt free.
Barney wanted him and Ted to go as Iceman and Maverick from Top Gun. He told Ted to "flight suit up." Ted refused choosing to wait around hoping to meet a girl he had met years earlier dressed as the slutty pumpkin. Barney pretended to be her while wearing a penguin suit.

Matt Leinart Story Never Happened

"She didn't slap me," said Leinart in an exclusive interview. "And I didn't grope her."
Sports Illustrated writer Arash Markazi was at Marquee with Leinart.
"I saw her," said Markazi. "He didn't do anything wrong. And there was no slapping."
Markazi said it would have been impossible for the incident described to occur without everyone knowing something happened. "If Matt Leinart got slapped, there would have been a scene. There would have been a big commotion."
Markazi said that it was actually Leinart who was under assault all night. "Once everyone found out he was there, they all swarmed."
But Leinart was there to enjoy the evening with his friends, not looking to meet girls. "One tried coming on to him," said Markazi, "and he just kind of turned his back on her."
Still, Leinart made an effort to be courteous to those who approached him. "He was just trying to mind his own business and be nice to people," said Markazi. "He was very cordial, shook their hand and took a picture if they asked for one. He didn't 'big time' anyone."
Leinart said that's what happened with the woman in the photos, who wanted a picture with him. "I was just trying to be nice."
Those photos, which were attached to the email sent out to those websites by the third party, hardly confirm the groping claims.
"I just laugh at this," said Leinart, no stranger to the perils of celebrity. "I mean, come on, I have a girlfriend I love."
As for all the commotion that the photos caused? Leinart's not fazed. "If someone's trying to get five minutes of attention, it's just funny to me."
"I have more important things to think about," he said, referencing his preparation for the Rose Bowl.

Matt Line-Hart

USC Quarterback Matt Leinart was in New York Saturday for the Heisman Trophy Presentation. He didn't win, but he partied the night away at trendy nightspot Marquee (27th and 10th). According to internet rumors two hot girls from Texas met a guy named Matt LineHart. He hit on one of the Texas girls all night, danced with her, and then was so drunk he groped her. She turned around, slapped him,
and left. I didn't believe it either until I saw the pictures Harley sent me.
Keep checking back for updates, we will try to advance this story.

We Want Prenup! We Want Prenup!

Interesting article on Celebrity Prenups came my way:

Untying the knot, celebrity style
By SANDY COHEN (no, not that Sandy Cohen)
LOS ANGELES (AP) _ No mother-in-law sleepovers. Only one football game per Sunday. Mandatory sexual positions. With celebrity marriages often shorter than Jessica Simpson's Daisy Dukes, the power of the prenuptial agreement cannot be denied.
Simpson and soon-to-be-ex-husband Nick Lachey didn't have a prenup _ he actually had more earning power than she did when they got married three years ago _ so Simpson could have to part with half of the $30 million she earned last year. That's a lot of Chicken of the Sea.
Other recent breakups include Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen and Christina Applegate and Jonathon Schaech. Prenups are the norm for most stars _ even regular folks should have one, if you listen to Kanye West _ and these documents can dictate far more than who gets what. Attorneys say some recent celebrity prenups include:
-Limiting the wife's weight to 120 pounds or she must relinquish $100,000 of her separate property.
-Allowing a spouse to perform random drug tests, with financial penalties for positive results.
-Requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife's parents.
-The previously mentioned rules regarding mothers-in-law, football and sex.
"Everything is legal unless you're dealing with custody of children or child support," said Los Angeles divorce attorney Robert Nachshin, who has represented Barry Bonds (his ex signed the prenup the day before their wedding) and author Terry McMillan (who discovered the young hubby who brought her groove back was gay). "Everything else is up for grabs."
So if Simpson had planned ahead, she could have limited Lachey's football-watching plus protected her "Dukes of Hazzard" and Dessert cosmetics dollars.
"People have their own little peculiar peccadilloes they're concerned about," said attorney Leon F. Bennett, who has represented Marlon Brando, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Hopper. "People of wealth have a sense they have power over others that their money can acquire, and reality shows it can."
High-profile prenups typically contain confidentiality clauses to keep them out of the public eye, Nachshin said. Even during divorce, many celebrities keep their arrangements private by hiring a retired judge to oversee the proceedings, said attorney Connolly Oyler, who has represented producer Sam Simon and Ali Landry.
Infidelity clauses are common, Nachshin said. Michael Douglas agreed to pay Catherine Zeta-Jones millions should he stray, and Denise Richards made similar requirements of Charlie Sheen.
Custody of pets is another common concern. Bennett once handled a case that dictated the destination of a couple's taxidermied horse. Even gardeners, baby sitters and pool men have been addressed.
Most states, including California, consider anything earned or bought after the wedding day to be community property that should be divided equally in a divorce. Prenuptial agreements _ which are signed by both parties by don't have to be filed in court _ can legally determine the distribution of almost anything the couple shared, from art collections to country club memberships.
But discussing the prenup isn't exactly romantic.
"The problem is the implied distrust," said Jeremy Ritzlin, a longtime Los Angeles marriage and family therapist.
One of Bennett's celebrity clients was so worried about offending his future wife, he skipped a prenup in favor of financial planning to keep his pre-marriage property separate. Roseanne Barr was so in love with Tom Arnold before their 1990 wedding that she fired her attorney for suggesting she sign a prenup. When the couple divorced four years later, Arnold left with $50 million.
Britney Spears was reportedly so taken with Kevin Federline that she refused to sign a prenup until her mom and business managers intervened.
"They may be blinded by love and lust," Bennett said, "but they still need to be protected."

Giving in to Peer Pressure

I finally watched an episode of House. It was the one where a woman dies of a stomach ulcer because one of the doctors screws up because his father just died. It was a pretty good show, good enough to make me record last night's episode also. Here is what I noticed:

-I like House's smart mouth
-Omar Epps will someday star in a spinoff, to be called Hizouse
-Dr. Cuddy is played by the woman who played a high priced whore in the first season of the West Wing. Josh wanted to punch her in the face.
-Dr. Cameron seemed familiar, because she is friends with Ashlee Simpson and was in a couple episodes of her show
-Dr. Foreman no longer wishes to be cast in a pejorative light so he's dedicated himself to achieving on a level more commensurate with his abilities
-Sela Ward is still pretty hot for an older chick
-Peter King loves the show

Sheff's Wife

Gary Sheffield's wife once made a sex tape with R. Kelly. But this weekend she sang the national anthem before the Winky Wright - Sam Soliman fight at Mohegan Sun. No word on whether she followed R's lead and had Chicago steppers in the ring during the anthem. After the fight the Sheffields were kicking it with Michael Bivins.

Traitors

Nearly 20 Eagles showed up at Terrell Owens' 32nd birthday party at the 40/40 Club in Atlantic City on Monday night.
Derek Deese was there, as was former teammate Freddie Mitchell.



Jevon Kearse and Lito Sheppard were in attendance along with football stars Clinton Portis, Santana Moss and Laveranues Coles. I don't know why Portis and Moss were there.
Receiver Darnerien McCants was the first Eagles player to arrive. He was followed by tight ends L.J. Smith, Stephen Spach and Andy Thorn and injured linebacker Greg Richmond. Many of celebrities expected never showed up.
Owens arrived shortly before midnight. He wore a white suit. "Everything's great. It's a party," he said. "I have everything I want. My mom's here."
Owens hired actors and models from the Icon Modeling and Acting Agency in Philadelphia to dance at his party while they wore Owens' shirts with his No. 81. The shirts were different colors and there were question marks where the team name was supposed to be.

Benson Buries the Hatchet

Anna Benson called Jeff Wilpon to sort of apologize for her comments. She said they really want to stay in New York. Wilpon told her Omar is in charge. But it doesn't look like he'll be traded to Arizona for Javier Vazques. Vazquez is going to the White Sox for El Duque.

Reba Shocker

Scarlett Pomers, who plays the younger daughter on the hit WB show Reba, has not been in any episodes this season. Now we find out why. She has been in a clinic to treat her anorexia. Pomers had dropped down to 73 pounds. She is out of rehab now and returned to the show for its 100th episode.
The great Reba McEntire, who is like a second mother to the kids in the cast said:
"The show will always be here for her."
"The most important thing is for her health to get back to normal, we're waiting for her, but the No. 1 thing is for her to get healthy and to come back."

Mark Cuban Throws $1.3m Down the Toilet

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban invested $1.3m in a company that makes high-end toilets.

The Swash has some great features:

Posterior & Feminine Wash: dual retractable wands - one for a posterior wash and one specifically designed for a feminine wash. The wands spray aerated warm water providing a soothing, cleansing wash. The temperature and strength of each spray is adjustable to ensure a perfect experience every time.

Heated Contoured Seat: a heated seat, making those cold mornings bearable. The temperature is adjustable to your preference in three temperature levels as well as an off setting when not needed.

Gentle Closing Seat & Lid: the seat and the lid close slowly, with just a flick of the finger. The gentle close feature means you will never have the accidental slamming lid and also greatly increases the amount of men who put the seat down after using the toilet!

Warm Air Dryer: a built-in warm air dryer to dry your bottom after the warm water wash. The temperature can be set to three levels according to your preference and the dryer provides a pleasant experience while reducing or eliminating the need for toilet paper.

The Swash sells for between $400 and $600, depending on the model. Derek's parents will buy one of these immediately.

Reality TV Celeb Sighting

Saw Samantha Trenk in the building today. Never would have recognized her if I had't heard someone asking her a question to which she responded "yeah, I won, we dated for two months and broke up." I knew she looked familiar so I looked her up and found out she won Adam Mesh on Average Joe. She looked a little jappy, her cellphone was covered in jewels and she was carrying a Louis Vuitton bag. She looked pretty good though.

Fuck Christmas

A couple of disgruntled people decided to protest the commercialization of Christmas by putting a gory Santa Claus display in front of their Manhattan townhouse, to the shock of parents and terror of kids.

Simon Calls a Porn Star

Simon Cowell is caught on tape calling porn star Tabitha Stevens, real name Kelly Garrett. Nothing too lurid in these messages but Simon does have a girlfriend.

Message 1
Message 2

Calogero in Trouble

Crazy story in the New York Post:
Lillo Brancato, who played C in the Bronx Tale and got shot in The Sopranos, played a role in a cop killing this weekend. Brancato and a friend were at a Bronx Strip Club. They broke into an abandoned apartment trying to score some Valium. They broke the window but the fat guy couldn't go in, so C had to. He found no drugs.
I'll let the post tell the rest:
The pair of would-be burglars were walking away when they were confronted by Officer Daniel Enchautegui, 28, who lived next door. Armento pulled out his father's old .357-magnum revolver and fired two shots, striking the officer in the spleen, authorities said.
Enchautegui fired back and hit Armento several times, including once in the penis. Brancato was hit twice in the chest. Both were in stable condition yesterday.

Pat the Rat

Evil Pat Riley forced out Stan Van Gundy. The Heat are only 11-10 so far but all the new player Riles acquired hadn't had time to mesh. And Shaq missed the past month or so. Riley had been rumored to want Stan Van out all summer.
Riley of course took over immediately.
Van Gundy said he resigned for personal reasons because he loves his family.
That's a crock. I think he felt like Riley set him up for failure and didn't want to give him the satisfaction.