What Really Happened

The biggest story in the world right is now is the mysterious car accident of Tiger Woods. Everyone wants to know what really happened, and a pretty obvious picture is surfacing.

Recent rumors of Tiger having an affair with New York nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel surfaced. Tiger and Elin were obviously fighting about it, maybe Tiger got a strange text.

It was 2am the night after Thanksgiving and Tiger was taking some painkillers. They had a fight and Elin went crazy, she attacked him and scratched his face up pretty good. He tried to leave the house to go for a drive. She chased him down with a golf club (oh the irony) and at some point smashed the back window.

Distracted by the crazy woman chasing him, perhaps bleeding from scratches to his face, perhaps a little foggy due to painkillers Tiger crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree.

But there are a few questions still unanswered.

First, why do the Woodses keep putting off their interview with the cops? Some say they are waiting for Tiger's injuries to heal so he can blame his facial scratches on the accident and the broken glass, but if he was already treated at the hospital those injuries would likely be photographed and documented and I believe that could be shared with the police in an ongoing investigation. Another possibility is that maybe Elin has a black eye or something that would incriminate Tiger.

And the second, and more puzzling question, why would Tiger cheat on Elin, his swedish bikini model wife?



I guess the old adage is true, "everywhere there's a beautiful woman, there's a guy tired of fucking her."

Weekly Picks

I finally got off the schneid last week and though likely nothing will save this season it still feels good to pick a few winners for a change. There are some more games I like this week so we'll try to keep this going.

carolina +3 NEW YORK JETS
I don't see how the Jets can beat anyone right now. I would make this my best bet but I'm never comfortable with underdogs and rarely pick them as my best bet.

new england +1 1/2 NEW ORLEANS
The Patriots win this game. I normally don't believe in all the psycho-babble people regularly resort to when picking games because they have nothing intelligent to say, but with the Patriots I believe Belichick uses that stuff. I think he will use Indianapolis game, and the Saints undefeated record to get his team ready to beat the recently underwhelming Saints.

ST. LOUIS +3 1/2 seattle
The Seahawks are terrible so I figured it was a good time to play the rare home dog.

CINCINNATI -13 1/2 cleveland
Here's a theory I haven't used enough this season: good team coming off a bad loss and bad team coming off a win. Ok, so the Browns didn't win last week but they scored more touchdowns in the first quarter than they had in the previous 423 games (may want to double check that number). Either way, I still like the Bengals this season and if not for some bad lack they at least would have escaped Oakland with a win.


BEST BET
indianapolis -3 1/2 HOUSTON
The Colts aren't getting a lot of respect from oddsmakers. I know they've had a lot of close calls but they are still undefeated and they still have Peyton Manning.



Last week: 4-1 (5 points)
Season: 26-29 (25 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-6)
Home Favorites: 1-0 (7-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 2-1 (11-10)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (7-11)

Marv Albert Denies Fighting With 50 Cent's Entourage

Marv Albert said Saturday he was never involved in an altercation with 50 Cent, denying Internet reports of a fight on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

According to the reports, punches were thrown after members of the rapper's entourage didn't recognize Albert, the longtime sports broadcaster who was appearing as a guest on the show on Wednesday night.

But Albert told The Associated Press he was not even close to the exchange, which he believed was caused when a member of 50 Cent's party was prevented by show security from using a phone in the room that was supposed to belong to Albert.

"I couldn't even tell you what the guy looked like or the security guard looked like," Albert said.

Albert said he even read one account that he was punched by 50 Cent, who was the show's musical guest, but insisted they never crossed paths.

"They embellish. It keeps getting embellished more than anything else," Albert said. "What do you say, it's just wrong."

Albert appeared on the program the night before he called the Lakers' home game against Chicago on TNT. The Los Angeles Times' account of the event, by a writer who was there, describes a scuffle and "a fist or two flying," but never mentions Albert being a part of it.

But the story has changed as it's appeared on blogs in recent days, with Albert saying family and friends are reading accounts that are "completely made up."

"I don't know what tomorrow will bring," Albert added. "It will be Jimmy Kimmel got punched."

Albert said he was told the whole altercation lasted only a few seconds, but it's created a few frustrating days.

"I'm sure this will be funny to me in a couple of days," he said. "It's not funny to me now, obviously."

Thanksgiving at the Bates'

Much thanks to Mrs. Bates for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner, for 29. Yes 29 people, count them. The only one you can't see is me, I'm under Chase.



All Master Bates did was carve the turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving

No sappy, cloying, whining ramble like last year just a couple words to wish all the Poopheads a happy day of turkey, football and family.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Song of the Week

"Renegade" - Styx
I recently watched an "NFL Films Presents" on how this song became an anthem for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Now they play it when they need the Steelers to rally, and they only save it for when it's really necessary to get a turnover or touchdown.

Look Out World

Cable television operator Cablevision Systems will distribute News Corp's Fox Business Network in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, Fox said on Thursday.

The business channel, which News Corp started to compete with CNBC, will start appearing on Nov. 19 on channel 106 for Cablevision subscribers and on channel 772 in HD, Fox Business said in a statement.

Fox Business Network will be available to about 3 million Cablevision customers.

Embarrassing Falls

Both Adam Lambert and J.Lo fell during their performances at the American Music Awards. At least J.Lo has some padding on her ass. Good thing Lambert didn't fall on his, it was probably still sore from the night before.

The Worst Coaching of All-Time

A few years ago LSU coach Les Miles (heretofore known as Fewer Miles, since Les Miles is gramatically incorrect) was the darling of the college football world. During an incredible run to the national title Miles made some inceredibly gutsy 4th down calls and seemingly made them all.
His onions became legendary and even got their own nickname, Les-ticles.

But this weekend against Ole Miss Fewer put his balls before his brains and cost his team the game.

We'll start at the end when with a minute and 16 seconds left LSU scored a touchdown to cut Ole Miss's lead to 25-23. They went for two to tie (Miles knew that much) but a fade route into the corner was unsuccessful. But there was a pass interference penalty giving them another chance, this time from the 1. But instead of running it, they tried the same play again, and missed again.

That meant LSU had to try for an onside kick, another decision Miles, thankfully, didn't screw it up. Unfortunately it would be the last thing he did right.

LSU moved the ball to the 32 yard on a long pass and that's when things went wrong. LSU tried to pass 3 times instead of running to set up a manageable field goal. First down incomplete, second down, sack for a loss of 9 followed by an LSU timeout.

"We talked about runs," Miles said. "I felt like the quarterback could manage the situation. That was my mistake."



On third down it was a 7 yard loss and with 26 seconds left the clock was running, but LSU didn't use its last timeout until there were 9 seconds left.

"The clock ran down, timeouts were being called verbally and I didn't relate that to the official apparently and that was the mistake," Miles said.

On 4th and 26 from the 42 LSU threw a Hail Mary which was answered, caught at the 6 -- with one second left.



But LSU didn't have the field goal team ready like they should have been so they tried to spike the ball to stop the clock, but there was only one second, why not run a play and at least try to get a penalty or a throw into the endzone.

The team was going for the end zone on the last pass play, Miles said, and when Jefferson found Toliver in traffic at the 6 with a second left, the team was unprepared. Rather than run the field goal unit on field while there appeared to be confusion with the chain gang, Jordan tried to get the team lined up to spike the ball but never got the play off.

I really think Miles should be fired for this. Even Herm Edwards never mismanaged a game this badly and this obviously. Totally unforgiveable and it should cost him his job.

The Cirtcuitous Route We Sometimes Take to Where We're Supposed to Be

Five years ago Wally Backman got his first job as a major league manager. A few days later he lost that job.

He’s spent the next five years working his way back and is now the manager of the Brooklyn Cyclones.



Most people in New York think that job is just the incubator for him to eventually take over for Jerry Manuel, perhaps even during the season if 2010 starts as badly as 2009 ended.

According to the Daily News, bad blood between Manuel and Backman goes back to 2003 when Backman reportedly told his ex-teammate Ron Gardenhire to kick the White Sox ass so he could take Manuel’s job managing that team.

Backman’s eventual hiring as Mets manager could be held up though as the Wilpons were reportedly very concerned about his personal background in light of the domestic violence issue which cost him the Diamondbacks job.



I think Manuel is a shitty manager and though I don’t really know much about Backman’s style, I can only assume he’d be better than Jerry.

And I know Master Bates would like him a lot better.

The Soccer Brute is Kinda Cute

Elizabeth Lambert became the most famous person on the internet for a few days after her aggressive play in a game against BYU.

Now Lambert is telling her side of the story and she actually looks pretty good all made up and with her hair did.

She says she can’t believe she acted that way while subtly saying she was retaliating for an elbow against her --- the video proves her point.

She claims the video was edited to make her look worse, and it got more attention because it involved women --- which is true, because women usually aren’t known for that kind of aggression.

Also, She said she was taken aback at how the incident had been perceived by some as sexy catfighting between two women. She said she was aghast that some men had sent her messages saying, “Hey, we should meet up some time.”

Oops, my bad.

Derek Jeter Has the Best Life

When Derek Jeter is not winning World Series he's out cavorting on beaches with some of the hottest women in the world. This offseason he's with Poop favorite Minka Kelly.




Three years ago he was doing the same thing with Jessica Biel.




Also this offseason Jeter is shooting a Will Ferrell movie in which he wears a wig and plays a homeless guy.



And if that's not enough Jeter for you Sports Illustrated put together a gallery of some of the best Jeter pics.

Weekly Picks

Just a disastrous season and I really can't figure out what's going wrong except I just keep picking the wrong best bets.

san diego -3 DENVER
The Broncos are in an absolute freefall and believe it or not they are going to miss Kyle Orton.

indianapolis -1 1/2 BALTIMORE
Somehow, they find a way to win.

cincinnati -9 1/2 OAKLAND
The Bengals are better than we all think, and the Raiders are just as bad as we know.

tennessee +4 1/2 HOUSTON
Don't question it, just believe, Vince Young has something special working.

BEST BET
NEW ENGLAND -10 1/2 new york jets
A lot is at stake here and I think the Patriots are going to be very motivated to beat the Jets brains in.

Last week: 2-3 (1 point)
Season: 22-28 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-6)
Home Favorites: 0-0 (6-7)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-1)
Road Favorites: 1-2 (9-9)
Road Underdogs: 1-1 (6-11)

My Mind's Telling Me No, But the Math's Telling Me Yes

At first I was against Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 2 against the Colts, a decision that failed, and led directly to the Patriots losing the game.
But as a poker player you learn to judge decisions on something other than the outcome. You evaluate decision based on how likely you were to be right. Face it, nothing is 100% so your goal, as a poker player, football coach or nearly anything else is to give yourself the best chance to be successful.
In poker, the thinking is you get into certain situations thousands of times, so being right 52% of the time is a major advantage but you will still lose 480 times out of 1000.
In football, situations are more unique so Belichick likely won't face that scenario again but if he does I'm sure he would go for it again, and he'd have these numbers from the New York Times 5th Down Blogto back him up.

With 2:08 left and the Colts with only one timeout, a successful 4th-and-2 conversion wins the game for all practical purposes. A conversion on 4th-and-2 would be successful 60 percent of the time. Historically, in a situation with 2:00 left and needing a TD to either win or tie, teams get the TD 53 percent of the time from that field position. The total win probability for the 4th-down conversion attempt would therefore be:

(0.60 * 1) + (0.40 * (1-0.53)) = 0.79 WP (WP stands for win probability)

A punt from the 28 typically nets 38 yards, starting the Colts at their 34. Teams historically get the TD 30 percent of the time in that situation. So the punt gives the Pats about a 0.70 WP.

Statistically, the better decision would be to go for it, and by a good amount. However, these numbers are baselines for the league as a whole. You’d have to expect the Colts had a better than 30 percent chance of scoring from their 34, and an accordingly higher chance to score from the Pats’ 28. But any adjustment in their likelihood of scoring from either field position increases the advantage of going for it. You can play with the numbers any way you like, but it’s pretty hard to come up with a realistic combination of numbers that makes punting the better option. At best, you could make it a wash.

And if you consider the Patriots have Tom Brady (making the 4th down more likely) and the Colts have Peyton Manning (driving up the Colts chances) there is really no argument at all.

I never want to be one of those stubborn people who sticks to his argument despite all the evidence showing he’s wrong. I also hate people who reject numbers in sports, instead choosing to rely on feel.

This reminds me of my stance on the Mets signing of Pedro Martinez. I claim the deal was an awful failure because he basically missed three years, and the Mets never won anything (other than a division title which he wasn’t around for) during his tenure. The benefits of his signing are perceived to be his supposed on influence on recruiting other players to the Mets.

Think of it this way, if there are two arguments, one is supported by numbers, evidence and history. The other is a bunch of people bloviating loudly with no proof to support their argument, I’ll take the former.


As for the other (overshadowed) decision of the weekend, Maurice Jones-Drew absolutely did the right thing by delaying gratification and kneeling on the one. The chances of making a field goal from there have to be 95% or higher. You'd have to think the Jets have a better than 5% chance to score a TD in that situation.

My Favorite Soliloquy in Seinfeld History

I liked this George speech when I first saw it, but now I love it because it reminds me so much of Mrs. Poop and me.
There are so many quotable lines in this short clip but this one stands out:
"She didn't know about pasteurization, he didn't know about fumigation, but they made it WORK!"

Jew or Not a Jew?

A pending court case in England may set new guidelines on who is or isn’t a Jew.

Here’s the background:

The U.K. has state sponsored religious schools. A boy known in court as “M” was rejected from the Jews’ Free School because he is not Jewish, at least not according to the school. His mother converted but she did so in a progressive, not an orthodox synagogue, therefore she is not a Jew nor is her son, in the school’s eyes.

His family sued saying the school discriminated against him. They lost the first case but won the appeal when the court said the school’s test of Jewishness needs to be based on religion, which would be legal, instead of on race or ethnicity, which would not. The court ruled that it was an ethnic test because it concerned the status of M’s mother rather than whether M considered himself Jewish and practiced Judaism.


I’m with “M” on this one. I think religion is based on what you feel and what you do. There are lots of Jews, especially in America who are only Jewish because someone a long time ago was Jewish. A student from two traditionally Jewish parents who doesn’t practice Judaism or identify with the Jewish people should have less right and would like derive less benefit from a Jewish education than “M.”

Voting is Efficacious

A couple weeks ago I asked the Poopheads if I should give a dollar to the homeless woman who complimented my Mitchell & Ness Mets jacket. The overwhelming response was yes. But after the votes were counted, I didn’t see her again – until yesterday. When I stopped to give her a dollar she started telling me her life story (“I was always poor, my father worked in a furniture store”) and asked me for another dollar. Sounds like old sob story-beg for more hustle you often see in strip clubs. Whatever the case I gave her $2 at the behest of the Poopheads and it’s going to take me 300 ad clicks to make that money back.

Song of the Week

"Forever Young" - Alpahville
If there's anything in the world I hate it's getting older, so I kind of like the idea of staying forever young.

Jay-Z incorporated the song into his "Young Forever" on his Blueprint 3 album. "May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows."

Music to Rake Leaves To

I recently read someone's Facebook status that read something like this "if I put all these songs on the iPod how come whenever I put it on shuffle I can never find anything I like?"

I pondered that existential question and decided to listen to my iPod on shuffle without skipping any songs. After four mediocre songs I finally found something I like.

"Feelin on Yo Booty" - R. Kelly

Followed by

"Secret Lovers" - Atlantic Starr

Followed by

"Lollipop" - Lil Wayne

Damn you, Mrs. Poop!

That streak ruined I went ahead to song #14 ("I Don't Care" - No Question) and listened to it until I was done raking.

I Guess "Hang On, Sloopy" Didn't Go Over Too Well Either

Bruce Springsteen started a recent concert by yelling to the crowd "hello, Ohio."
The concert was at the Palace of Auburn Hills outside Detroit, Michigan.
He said it a couple times before Steve Van Zandt (who looks a lot like the guy who played Silvio on the Sopranos -- maybe I should do a WDYGMR?) told him they were in Michigan.
The Boss said the mistake is "every front man's nightmare."




For those who don't get the reference in the headline, for some reason "Hang On Sloopy" is an Ohio State song (complete with shouting "O-H-I-O" during the lulls in the song). Even harder to explain is why Bruce plays it at concerts. And most disturbingly, Pizza Parlor Derek went to a Springsteen concert, but in an effort to beat traffic he left right before what he thought was the final song, only to learn later he missed "Hang on Sloopy." Pizza Parlor Darren hasn't spoken to him since.

Truth is "Hang on Sloopy" is the official rock song of the state of Ohio, thanks to this resolution passed in 1985. It's worth the time it takes to read.

Oh, Ohio and Michigan hate each other.