Near-Death Experiences

Most of my posts about the Universe involve insignificant incidents like the Universe bringing me the Mr. Belvedere theme, or a silly hat or candy or Mark Feinsand, but this is a little more serious.
On Monday I was completely unharmed by two experiences that could have ended really badly.
On the way to work a slow car was holding up traffic in the left lane. I later passed this car and saw the driver to be an Asian woman (double whammy). It is always my contention that slow drivers cause more accidents than fast ones. This driver was going so slowly in the left lane that the center lane was full of people zipping past (though not at an excessive rate of speed). This left me and the two drivers in front of me frustrated, because we were essentially trapped behind Yoko Ono is a Prius. Eventually we came up on accident scene where traffic was slowed. The unsure, nervous driver in the Prius must have jammed on her brakes, and the two frustrated drivers in front of me jammed theirs as well. But they were driving too close and collided with each other (though not with the Prius). I jammed my brakes as hard as I ever have. Tires squealed, everything on the seats went flying off, kids books and stuff from the back came to the front, I was shot forward too, until my seatbelt locked. But luckily, and very narrowly, I avoided being part of the accident. I noticed a piece of someone's bumper in the road, and the two cars pulling off to the shoulder. Later that day, while doing my late night Paul-ates, the walking cool-down lap, I heard a crack and a crash. It wasn't windy at all, but it sounded like a tree branch being broken. I stopped and looked around but it was too dark to see. Then I walked about 5 more feet and saw this.

Had I been walking just a little bit faster I might have been under that branch when it fell.

This is what it looked like the next morning:

I'm not saying it would have crushed my skull or that I would have died in the car accident had there been one, but no one wants to be whacked in the head by a falling branch or involved in even a minor fender-bender.

And I'm perfectly happy to give the credit for these near-misses to the mysterious power that watches over me.

Song of the Week

"Like Glue" - Sean Paul
This is my pick for 2003 because Sean Paul was the first reggaeton artist to bring the genre to major popularity in the U.S. Also, a couple of other great choices from this year have already been SOTW.

3000 Words

"Guys With Kids" got canceled but its humor will live on, such as this sight gag where one of the kids got a temporary tattoo at a birthday party.

Scott Clements was evidently collecting all the small denomination chips.

Yao Ming takes a picture with a 4'11" waitress.

Funny or Douchey?

Dustin Wray booked a room for himself and his girlfriend and the Woodlands Resort in Texas. As he completed his online booking he noticed a section for special requests. He wrote "Three red M&Ms on the counter. Not packages, just three single M&Ms. One for me, one for my girlfriend and one to split if we get hungry late at night. And a picture of bacon on the bed. I love pictures of bacon."

When he got there he saw 3 red M&Ms on the counter and was initially confused by it, because he had forgotten his own request.

Then he saw a framed picture of bacon on the bed and it all came back to him.

I think we all agree the hotel actually doing this stuff is funny, and this guy not tipping extra is douchey. But judge by the other stuff, the simple fact that he made this request, and what he requested, funny or douchey?

Cool Story I Never Knew

There's a little noticed show on MSG Network called "Four Courses with JB Smoove." It features JB Smoove (Leon Black from "Curb") sitting down for dinner with four athletes and entertainers. In this particular episode he is joined by John Salley, Larry Johnson, Black Thought from the Roots and Judah Friedlander.
During the episode Larry Johnson told this amazing story:



To think, we were this close to never seeing Grandmama. Disappointing because I really like that "Larry," "No, Johnson," "ok, Larry Johnson" ad concept.

Oh Snap

Tim Hudson suffering a gruesome leg injury during last night's game against the Mets.



This will be a lesson for youngsters, the fielder should always put his foot on the infield part of the bag, and allow the runner to step on the other half. This was a total accident, Eric Young didn't mean to do this, but he couldn't help it because Hudson put his foot in Young's way.

Sluts at Penn

A very interesting New York Times article sheds light on the new age of sluttiness on college campuses. The author spent an entire school year interviewing 60 female students about their sex lives.
Obviously you can't categorize 60 women into one specific type, but the overall gist is that these driven young women are too focused on schoolwork, extra-curriculars and post-graduation careers to form meaningful romantic relationships. But they don't want to be left out of the fun so they get drunk and have cheap meaningless sex but they try not to regret it in the morning.

“You go in, and they take you down to a dark basement,” Haley, a blond, pink-cheeked senior, recalled of her first frat parties in freshman year. “There’s girls dancing in the middle, and there’s guys lurking on the sides and then coming and basically pressing their genitals up against you and trying to dance.” Dancing like that felt good but dirty, and like a number of girls, Haley said she had to be drunk in order to enjoy it. Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk. One girl, explaining why her encounters freshman and sophomore year often ended with fellatio, said that usually by the time she got back to a guy’s room, she was starting to sober up and didn’t want to be there anymore, and giving the guy oral sex was an easy way to wrap things up and leave.

I don't remember girls like these when Reissberg and the Conch were matriculating there.

Song of the Week

"Mr. Wendal" - Arrested Development
I can't believe how many great songs came out this year. This was my musical prime I think. I loved every single song on this list, but I narrowed it down to Mr. Wendal and Two Princes by the Spin Doctors. I don't even know why I chose this one. I love them both. I love them all. If you are of a certain age, peruse this list and I guarantee it will take you back.

The Most Wonderful Post of the Year

Diesel in Maine in 2007:



Diesel in Maine in 2008:


Diesel in Maine in 2009:


Diesel in Maine in 2010:


Diesel in Maine in 2011:

Diesel in Maine in 2012

Diesel in Maine in 2013

Once in a Lifetime

I was blessed this year with the opportunity to attend the All-Star Game Home Run Derby at CitiField. A good friend of mine has connections throughout Major League Baseball and was able to hook me up with tickets. At first he offered me a pair of standing room only tickets but because of Papa Poop's advanced age I elected for a pair of seats. He warned me the seats would be high, but I graciously told him I was just going to be happy to be there. And I was. I was thrilled to be going, until I got to the parking gate.

$35 to park! An outrage! But I was too late to get a spot under the overpass, I didn't want to use Nails's trick and drive into downtown Flushing, so I paid my money and took my spot.

The first thing I discovered was a huge popup Modell's store in a tent in the parking lot. They really did a good job with merchandising, thinking of everything, including an All-Star Game case for your iPhone.

Of course they had All-Star game jerseys and t-shirt jerseys for the local players (Harvey, Wright, Cano, Rivera) and a few other stars (Harper, Cabrera, Davis and surprisingly, Domonic Brown).

I bought the Matt Harvey ($25) shir-zey and immediately changed into it.

On the way out of the store I saw Cecil Fielder signing autographs, but elected not to wait on the long line that was developing.

Eventually I took my seat in the 500 level, midway down the left field line and had a pretty good view of the entire field.

Because I wanted to get there early, I ended up sitting for a while, we saw some players take batting practice, but mostly nothing was going on, so by 7:55 we were anxious for the Derby to get started. But for some reason we had to listen to Pitbull perform. First he did "Don't Stop the Party" and then after 8:00 PM, when we were expecting to get started he performed "Feel This Moment," better known as the song with the "Take On Me" sample.

This is how his stage and pyrotechnics looked from my seat.

And he sounded even worse. It was as if his microphone wasn't hooked up to the speakers, couldn't hear the lyrics, just the pre-taped music they were pumping in.

Finally the Derby started and it was awesome. Sure, it would have been cool to be in the outfield with a chance to catch some homers, but our seats were actually pretty good. It seemed like every homer by a righty was flying right past us. We had a great view of each one of the bombs blasted by Yoenis Cespedes in his amazing first round performance.

I will admit that the Derby did drag on a little in the middle especially because it is a made-for-TV event and the commercial breaks were very long. Also adding to the lull, Cespedes had to hit in the second round (to raise money for charity) even though his first round total was higher than anyone else combined number.

Luckily they did have cool entertainment like a Home Run Derby between two top high school players. These kids were jacking bombs. And aided by their aluminum bats they were pulling more than the Major Leaguers with the wood, the kids were ripping shots high, and straight down the lines. They also had other diversions including Frisbee-catching dogs.

Other than the mid-Derby lull, and the parking fee, there was one more negative to the Derby (and not the heat, which actually wasn't much of a factor after 6pm), the in-stadium announcers, Mike (Greenberg) [corrected] and Mike (Golic). I agree that it's hard to say something interesting about 100+ home runs, but though I dislike their daily schtick, it was turned up even more for this event, with these two saying the dumbest cheesiest shit, including imploring the crowd to cheer at least three times during each player's round.

So we had a transcendent performance in round one, doldrums in round two and then a stirring finale. Bryce Harper put up a decent 8 in his turn then Cespedes blew right through, saving the best for last, with a monster shot to center to clinch the victory.

Though I doubt anything could top Cespedes's performance, I enjoyed the event so much I would gladly go again, even if I have to wait until I'm 85 for it to be back in CitiField.

The Universe's Favorite 80s Sitcom

Another crazy Universe moment occurred recently. I'm lying in bed reading a Sports Illustrated article about Bob Uecker and Mrs. Poop is watching King of Queens. The article included a picture of the cast of "Mr. Belvedere" so of course I started singing the theme song, "streaks on the china..."
Within 15 minutes this scene appeared on King of Queens:



Now I know I talk about Mr Belvedere a lot, and sing the theme song frequently, but not so often, that I wouldn't be amazed by the Universe's ability to deliver it to me within a few minutes of asking for it.

Chase Really Wants This

Maybe the coolest product ever goes on sale today.

I'm not sure if I have the entire story correct but it seems there is a site where you make your own original Lego creations, and if enough people like it (10,000) Lego will review it and potentially start selling as a boxed set. And the designer gets 1% of the net sales, which may seem small but it really doesn't take a genius to figure out how cool the DeLorean will be. In this case the designer is going to donate his cut to the Michael J Fox Foundation. Obviously Lego needed to strike a licensing deal with the owners of the rights to Back to the Future, but with that out of the way how long before we see another Back to the Future themed set on display in my living room.

Save the clock tower!

Note: It may be a few weeks before Lego stores actually have it. But it should be on sale in time for Chase's birthday, because like I said, he really wants this.

Song of the Week

"Safety Dance" - Men Without Hats
30 years ago this song was a big hit. And there still hasn't been another song to use the word "imbecile" as effectively.

Maybe They Should Have Spent a Little More Time Looking at His Face

Jimmy Fallon (underrated show by the way) thought it would be funny to send Mets pitcher Matt Harvey around the city to ask people questions about Matt Harvey.



I know for 100% certainty that I would be able to spot Matt Harvey on a street, even in a crowd. How these people, even the ones who saw the naked ESPN pictures, couldn't recognize him is beyond me. Maybe, like JLeary, they spent too much time look at other parts of the pictures, and not Harvey's face.

Release Point, Maybe?

Here at the Poop we love first pitches, interesting ones, celebrity ones, good ones, bad ones. Especially the bad ones. And this one by pop sensation Carley Rae Jepsen may be the best (worst) I've ever seen.



I love "Call Me Maybe" (SOTW, 5/30/12) and I'm willing to forgive her since she's Canadian, but I would happily instruct her on the mechanics of throwing so she can learn the proper release point.

Half Right

Every year I say I am not going to pay attention to the All-Star game, and every year I still get sucked into the selection process. This year I had a good excuse because two very deserving players, with great backstories were on the ballot for the fans to select as the final addition to the roster. Fans got it half right.

Blue Jays relief pitcher Steve Delabar is 5-1 with a 1.71 ERA. He has some impressive advanced stats as well, striking out 12.43 batters per 9 innings and allowing only 1 homer in 41 innings (could be an element of luck there). But forget his stats, look at his story. He spent 6 years in the minor leagues and in 2009 he fractured his elbow.

It was repaired with a steel plate and 9 screws. He pretty much gave up on his baseball dream at became a substitute teacher at baseball coach at a high school in Kentucky. As the arm recovered he realized he was throwing harder than ever before. He got signed to a minor league deal with the Mariners in 2011 and by the end of the year he made his debut in the majors. Hard not to root for a guy who has been through that.



And then there's Puig who absolutely set the world on fire since his debut in June. He's batting .391 with 8 homers and 19 RBI in what amounts to basically a quarter of the season. His OPS of 1038 is incredibly and would be even higher if he ever walked. And his offense is the least exciting part of his game.



I have always had a fascination with strong-armed outfielders and throws like that make me want to watch Puig everyday. So why didn't the fans vote him in? There are some stuffy old people who hate young guys, and think they need to earn their spot, and 40 games is not enough to do so. Well, I say the all-star game is supposed to be fun and if you think watching Freddie Freeman would be more fun than watching Puig, then you are a strange and sick individual.

What makes me angrier about this is that the Blue Jays and Braves formed some unholy alliance to combine votes and get Delabar and Freeman into the game, and it seems to have worked.

The Best Prank in TV History

Whenever there's a disaster someone tries to call a local station and yell out BabaBooey or something similar. It happened during the OJ chase, it's happened to Ali Velshi, it's happened millions of times, but never this spectacularly.



KTVU in San Francisco got duped into reporting the "names" of the four pilots involved in the Asiana 214 Crash

Sum Ting Wong (Something Wrong)
Wi Tu Lo (We Too Low)
Ho Lee Fuk (Holy Fuck)
Bang Ding Ow (Bang Ding Ow)

I'm still holding out hope that this didn't really happened and we've all been duped by an elaborate hoax.

I Told You That Bitch Crazy

Everyone thought it was funny when Kris Benson and his then hot young wife Anna told Penthouse Magazine that they like to have sex at stadia and in parking lots. Except Pirates manager Llyod McClendon who said he doesn't care what his players do between the sheets, only what they do between the lines.

Most people found it amusing when Anna told Howard Stern that if Kris ever cheated on her she would fuck the whole team as revenge.

Fewer people were laughing when she showed up at the Mets Christmas party for underprivileged kids with her boobs hanging out.

Almost no one is laughing now, as Anna Benson is accused of barging into Kris's house with a gun and a metal baton, wearing a bullet-proof vest and making threats. You can listen to the 911 call he made while she was in his house.

The couple is going through a difficult divorce right now and she says she doesn't have any money and he says she was demanding he pay her $30,000.

All I know is, like Anna Benson herself, this story is only going to get uglier.

Matt Harvey Naked

Mets pitcher Matt Harvey agreed to appear in ESPN Magazine's The Body Issue, which every year features naked athletes, their bodies obscured only by the tools of their trade.
I really have no opinion on it, I think it's a desperate ploy to get attention for their magazine, not an artistic statement about the beauty of the human form. I don't think looking at the dudes for say three seconds automatically makes you gay. And I don't think the chicks they've had in here have even looked that great, even though many of them are very hot in other contexts.
So here it is Matt Harvey fans, our ace for the next 10 years, with no clothes on:

Maybe they should have had him pose with his girlfriend Anne V.

She's done some similar modeling

Song of the Week

"That Lady" - Isley Brothers
Probably the Isleys best known song, hit #6 on the U.S. chart in 1973. Lot of other good contenders from this year but I love this one because it was an early forebear of the great disco funk music to come. It's also one of Chase's favorites because it's in Swiffer commercials.