Never Cheat On Your Wife With a Woman Who Can't Remember Where She Parked

Hines Ward was briefly detained at gunpoint by police who thought he had stolen a car.
Ward was riding in a Honda Civic at 1:30 am, when police pulled them over thinking the car was stolen.
Why did they think the car was stolen? Because the driver, presumably Ward's girlfriend, reported it stolen two weeks earlier.
Why did she report it stolen? Because she couldn't remember where she parked.
When she finally found her car she never bothered to call police back.
Therefore Ward was presumed a car thief, perhaps rightfully so by the cops.
The woman was able to prove ownership and Ward was released, but embarrassed [corrected].
Now I am not certain Ward is still married, at the very least he is separated, maybe divorced. But we also know the woman in the car was not Ward's dance partner Kym Johnson.

Pippa's Purple Bra

You knew it was going to happen. As soon as I saw Pippa Middleton killing it in that white dress at the Royal Wedding I knew she would soon become the object of lust for the entire world. And anything she ever did that was slightly questionable or embarrassing was going to come out.

The best they could do was this picture of Pippa dancing in purple bra and a white skirt with some dude rubbing his boner on her.



I'm actually quite disappointed with this photo and upset that this is the best we could do. You would see more on the beach -- in a one-piece. But because this is the type of content you expect from me I felt compelled to bring it to you even though it falls well below by normal standards of sexiness.

Here's what Pippa looks like a on a normal day, somewhere in between Royal Wedding attire and half-naked dancing:

Why OPS is So Important

I've spent several years trying to explain to anyone who would listen why OPS is the best stat to use to evaluate baseball players.
Batting average is still the standard but it's terrible. Here's why: walks count. And doubles count more than singles, but less than triples, and even less than home runs.

Three examples from the early part of this season:
Player A: .250 BA (30-120), 5 homers, 16 RBI, 18 walks
Player B: .342 BA (25-73), 0 homers, 8 RBI, 3 walks
Player C: .189 BA (17-90), 6 homers, 17 RBI, 22 walks

Judging by just batting average you would say the guy hitting .342 is the best. But in truth he has no power and never walks. I would actually take Player C because he has the best power and the most walks.

But the point is all three of these players are essentially equal according to OPS:
David Wright 778 OPS
Erick Aybar 789 OPS
Jonny Gomes 786 OPS

So new statistical analysis doesn't just help you determine who is better, it helps you figure out who is equal but looks much better (or worse).

Best Hematoma Ever?

Anyone who knows me knows I have an unhealthy obession with hematomas. It all started while watching a Holyfield-Rahman fight with JLeary and Shoeb.

I love Rahman's hematoma so much I use it for my image on blogger. I even used it for my picture during lookalike week on Facebook.



But a new hematoma has emerged possibly topping Rahman's in size and gruesomeness.
Check out Mark Hominick during his fight at UFC 129 against Jose Aldo. The amazing thing is, not only did they let him fight after several doctors' checks of it (actually squeezing it at one point), but Hominick dominated Aldo in the 5th round despite this huge thing growing on his head.






















Looking back it seems like I love all UFC injuries, from Josh Koscheck's eye, to Marvin Eastman's cut (the original goat's vagina), to Brandon Vera's nose and to the most sickening, Corey Hill's broken leg.

He Was Much Funnier When He Was Doing Hot-Foots

Former Mets pitcher Roger McDowell was always known as the team prankster for his jokes, including his famous hot foot demonstration on the 86 Mets video, "A Year to Remember."

At a game in San Francisco last week McDowell shouted at 3 male fans (they may have been hecklers) "Are you guys a homo couple or a threesome?"

Then he made a circle with his thumb and index finger and shoved the bat through it. He also simulated sex with the bat and asked the three men if they were "giving it to each other up the ass."

That's when a conscientious man with two 9-year-old daughters yelled "hey there are kids out here."

Then he approached Quinn with the bat and asked "how much are your teeth worth?"

McDowell earned a two week suspension for that little joke. Which is better than being fired, and I'm actually surprised he didn't get axed for that.

Song of the Week

"Beast of Burden" - Rolling Stones
I'm not a big fan of the Stones but if I had to pick one song, I'd probably choose this one. It has a cool vibe to it, not like most of their overdone, oversung songs.

Samuel L. Jackson Comments on the Death of Usama Bin Laden and his Son

Reached late last night for comment on the deaths of Usama Bin Laden, his son and two of his brothers, here is what the great actor Samuel L. Jackson had to say:



When TON reads this post in about three weeks (once a month I get like 7 e-mails from comments from TON who is obviously busy and only reads sporadically) he's going to laugh hysterically. Very early during freshman year of college he set me up. I went to the bathroom and when I came back they were talking about "A Time to Kill." Everyone started hysterical laughing and I later learned it was because TON warned them if they mentioned that movie, I would come out with that line. Clever TON.

Usama Bin Laden Sleeps with the Fishes

I think President Obama watched "The Godfather" this weekend. Because he took care of a lot of Obama family business. He went after Qaddafi (Barzini) and killed Tattaglia (Bin Laden). And now, like Luca Brasi, Usama Bin Laden sleeps with the fishes.



Note: I spell Bin Laden's first name with a U because that is how the federal government does it. It also helps to avoid confusion with the current President's name like the pile of shit Norah O'Donnell stepped in.

Note: He also showed his birth certificate and preempted "The Apprentice." I guess we could compare Trump to Fredo.

It was nearly ten years ago I walked in between the burning, crumbling Twin Towers wanting revenge on the people who did it. Now, finally, we have that revenge. Usama Bin Laden is dead.

And I am thrilled. If I had been in Citizens Bank Park last night watching the Mets beat the Phillies I am sure I would have been chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" along with the Phillies fans. Though I think those animals would have cheered the death of anyone. I kid, I kid.

I actually think the celebrations may have gone a little too far. The crowds at the White House and Ground Zero were mostly a bunch of college kids looking for an excuse to get drunk and skip class.



Yes, I'm happy he's dead, and I am celebrating. But the celebration should be honoring those people he killed. Because we are not celebrating his death in particular, we're cheering because the thousands of people he killed, and their families, finally have a tiny, tiny measure of justice.

I want to give President Obama full credit for this. When he was elected I was worried he would be unwilling or unable to kick the asses that needed kicking to keep us safe. He proved he's willing to do it. And this will help his approval rating and maybe even get him reelected. And if that's the case he deserves it.

But he couldn't have done it without the finest military in the world. The people at Guantanamo Bay who interrogated or even tortured detainees got the information leading to Bin Laden's compound. The 24 Navy Seals descended on that compound killing whoever got in the way (including the woman Bin Laden was using as a human shield) and then firing a bullet into the face of Usama Bin Laden.

But let's be clear, this doesn't end anything. There will always be people who hate America. Because we're Godless, or we're rich, or we're arrogant or because we do what's right and protect Israel. This won't calm those people, it might only incite them. They are not going to give up just because Bin Laden is dead. There will be a new Bin Laden bent on doing even more damage and killing even more people.

And someday we'll kill him too. Because we live in the greatest country in the world, and eventually, justice prevails.

The Biggest Oops Ever

The Poop has received thousands of hits over the years from horny people looking at this picture of Norah O'Donnell.



Now Norah O'Donnell committed perhaps the biggest fuckup ever. Immediately when the news broke last night she tweeted about it. Only she screwed up one tiny little letter and wrote "Obama shot and killed."

I Think They Got the Wrong Shipment

Why the hell does my local Shop Rite in New Jersey have an abundance of bagged roasted peanuts adorned with the logos of the Baltimore Orioles and Boston Red Sox?

Was there a mix-up at the warehouse? Was there a shortage of Mets or Yankees bags and they thought these would sell just as well.

The $10,000 Uranus Joke

A few weeks ago Billy excitedly texted me imploring me to put on "America's Funniest Videos." He thought I would enjoy the video that he was sure would win the $10,000 first prize. Here it is:



Now I do think that video is funny, and I love a good Uranus joke, but what the hell was Billie doing watching "America's Funniest Videos"? Is he 90 years old and falls asleep in his easy chair after Sunday dinner?

Things I Thought Today

Why didn't Zach Randolph try this hard when he was on the Knicks? Notice I didn't say "why didn't Zach Randolph play this well when he was on the Knicks?" I know the answer to that. It's because he didn't try this hard.

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I think Blaine Gabbert is going to be the best quarterback in the 2011 NFL Draft. I think Jake Locker is going to be the worst.

I also think Nick Fairley is going to be a bust. I saw him on Gruden's QB Camp and he seemed to be a functional illiterate. He was pretty decent diagramming plays, but in normal conversation he seemed like a 4-year-old. Sort of like Alvin Mack without the charm and the door knocker.


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Why did the Mets demote Dillon Gee to the bullpen? Chris Capuano sucks, and has more value in the bullpen because he's a lefty. Capuano had one good start. Gee had 7.

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It's good to be the Prince.



Suggested by Mrs. Focks

Royal Pain in the Ass

For years I have said the princess myth is the most dangerous thing we teach our young girls.
Here's why: practically from birth, every girl is told she is a princess and someday a handsome Prince Charming will come and sweep her off her feet.
Only problem is, unless she's Kate Middleton that won't happen.
And those girls will spend the rest of their lives looking for Prince Charming and he will never come.
No matter how many toads you sleep with after a few too many apple martinis, none of them will turn into Princes.
So instead women marry the wrong man, pass up the right man, or spend years of unhappiness just because they didn't find a non-existent prince.

I'm not saying women should settle, I'm saying women should be realistic, the fairy tale is never going to happen for them.

Unless they're Kate Middleton.

I went into this morning's wedding with a lot of skepticism but I have to say I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.



I'm not into fashion so I don't give two shits about Kate's daring fashion choice to bring sleeves back:



I don't care about the awful shade of yellow the Queen was wearing:



And I don't care about the silly hats. Ok, I care a little. They are funny.



But why were so many women wearing the hats glued to their foreheads instead of atop their heads?



I do like hot chicks so I enjoyed the sister of the bride, Pippa Middleton, who is now the new hottest woman in England:


I also could have done without all the crazy media coverage, but I understand when you do four hours on a wedding you are left with nothing but hype.

And I still believe it will be only a few years before the Sun and Telegraph are full of rumors about Wills banging chicks on the side while poor Kate suffers.

But for today, for this one morning, it was a nice, enjoyable, elegant lovely wedding and all of us one-time aspiring princes and princesses could escape the reality of our own existences and be swept up into a fairy tale world of beauty, elegance, palaces, carriages and millions of adoring fans.

Albert Haynesworth Uses the "I Don't Even Like Black Girls" Defense

Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is fat, lazy, surly, overpaid and evidently his opinion of himself is just as inflated as his fat ass.

On February 12th, Haynesworth was at a private birthday party at the P.O.V. Roof Terrace and Lounge at the W Hotel in Washington DC.

As the party was ending Haynesworth called over the waitress to pay his bill. She came over but was holding dirty dishes. She told him to wait until she put them down but he insisted on paying immediately.

So he put the debit card in one place he knew she could carry it, her bra. She says he then grabbed and fondled her breast even though she told him to stop.

Witnesses said Haynesworth said to her “I’m just going to put my card right here.” She allegedly nodded in approval, but told him to take his hand off her breast.

Maybe she was ok with him sliding it in there, but not with him touching her boob. Not sure what she was thinking. But she must have been upset, because when his card was declined, she sent another employee over to his table to get an alternate payment.

Haynesworth says he did nothing wrong and he will not accept a plea deal. This is his defense:

“I know what this is about. She is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me. I don’t even like black girls."

Song of the Week

"Roll Up" - Wiz Khalifa
I did it again. I trashed an artist to JLeary then enjoyed his next song without knowing it was the same artist. I told him that while riding in my car I turned off the radio and drove in silence rather than listening to his previous effort "Black and Yellow." Khalifa is from Pittsburgh which makes me wonder if his father is Sammy Khalifa.

Seems Like Brandon Marshall Had it Coming

The Denver Post had an amazing timeline showing the various off-field incidents in the life of Brandon Marshall. I will condense it here:

June 17, 2006: Marshall and his girlfriend Rasheedah Watley both filed police reports alleging physical abuse by the other in an hours-long a fight at Marshall's Orlando apartment. No arrests.

March 18, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police that Marshall had punched her and taken her purse while at a downtown hotel. Marshall left before police arrived and no charges were filed.



March 21, 2007: Police in Palm Beach County, Fla., interviewed Marshall and Watley twice in one night after two loud arguments. Both said the incidents were not physical, and no arrests were made.

March 26, 2007: Marshall was arrested in Highlands Ranch on charges of domestic violence and false imprisonment after another argument.

June 8, 2007: Two incident reports were filed by Atlanta police. The first was to investigate damage to private property when Watley's friend alleged that Marshall hit her car and then threw a rock at the passenger door, where Watley was riding. In the other, Watley told police Marshall had cut her in the thigh and punched her in the face. She was taken by ambulance to a local hospital. Marshall was not on the scene, and no charges were filed.

June 30, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police Marshall had punched and choked her at his downtown condo, leaving a bruise on her eye and scratches on her body. He was not on scene and no charges were filed.

March 4-5-6, 2008: Three incident reports and one criminal warrant filed after Watley and Marshall got into a fight at his Atlanta condo. She told police Marshall had punched her in the mouth and eye. Marshall told police his hand was also cut on glass during the incident, which included Watley's two younger sisters. Marshall was arrested on March 6 on a misdemeanor battery charge.

May 21, 2008: An Atlanta police officer was dispatched to Marshall's condo to enforce Watley's temporary restraining order while Watley was there removing her belongings. The officer described Marshall as being cooperative and Watley as being argumentative, though Watley told the officer she felt threatened by Marshall and his relatives who were also there.

Feb. 8, 2009: Played in his first Pro Bowl in Hawaii, an honor received because of his performance in the 2008 season. While on that trip, he proposed to his girlfriend, Michi Nogami Campbell.

March 1, 2009: Takes part in a fierce argument with his fiancée that leads to their arrest on disorderly conduct charges. The charges are dismissed the next day.

April 1, 2010: Marshall marries Michi Nogami in a courthouse ceremony in Jefferson County.



July 17, 2010: Marshall and his wife again exchange vows in a formal ceremony in Miami.

April 22, 2011: Michi Nogami-Marshall is arrested and jailed after she admits to police she stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife in self-defense. Marshall is hospitalized following emergency surgery to repair a non-life threatening stab wound to his stomach.


For the record, that's 8 incidents against Watley, including 5 times she accused him of punching her in the face. Even if those are the only times it happened, isn't that four too many?

His wife didn't seem to have the same patience. This latest incident is even more disturbing because Marshall, even after being stabbed, told police he slipped and fell on a broken vase. More upsetting, there really was a broken vase in the house. But police said there was no blood near it, when Marshall's alibi for his wife didn't check out, she confessed to stabbing him, but claiming it was self-defense.

Obviously Marshall is a very bad guy and a serial spousal abuser. I hope Michi learns her lesson and gets away with from this psychopath. And if some woman ever does give Marshall one more chance, I hope he learns the lessons his wife taught him at the end of a knife.

Hope is a Good Thing

"Even a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." - Ancient Chinese Proverb.

My knee-jerk reaction to the Knicks sweep at the hands of the Boston Celtics is not to have a knee-jerk reaction.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed they couldn't even win a single game, especially after two heart-breakers on the road. I'm more disappointed that after two close games in Boston they came to New York and dropped an egg on the home crowd, being down so much so early the crowd never really got into the game, either game.

Here is why Knicks fans should be heartened: After years of refusal the Knicks finally went with Breaking Bad's "no half-measures" policy. They scorched earth and traded everyone they could. Then they built a new team around Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony.



Two problems with this approach: Amare's questionable health and the high price paid to get Carmelo.

The Knicks obviously don't have the depth to compete with the better teams in the NBA. And they don't have a good enough point guard to distribute (and defend) though I would have loved to have seen how they did with a healthy Billups.

Here is what they do have: two legitimate scorers. For the long and storied career of Patrick Ewing the Knicks never had a suitable scorer to compliment him.

Note: John Starks does not count because he was a barely literate volume shooter.

Now they have two great forwards who if they can stay healthy and be surrounded by a good core (defensive center, facilitating point guard,) they form the foundation of a potential NBA champion.



And that brings hope to a fanbase that has had no reason to be hopeful in at least 10 years.

But it still sucks to get swept out of the playoffs.

Baseball is Poop

Good Idea if Done Right, Bad One if Done Wrong
Bud Selig announcing this week there is a strong possibility one wild card team in each league will be adding beginning next year. No details have been given, but there is a right and a wrong way to do this. Adding another 7 or 5-game series to the playoffs would be a mistake. It would push the beginning of the season into March and the end of the season into November. The right way to do this would to have a 1 or 3 game playoff between the 2 wild card teams in each league. That would add a lot of excitement and it would give a tangible benefit to teams performing better in the regular season, because as it is now home-field advantage is not enough of a reward to keep those wild card teams from upsetting the division winners.

Wards of the State
Major League Baseball has seized control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a supreme embarrassment for one of the league's most storied franchise. Bud Selig was justified in taking this step because owner Frank McCourt has completely mismanaged the franchise. Most embarrassingly, he put his grown sons, one in business school, one working for Goldman Sachs, on the team's payroll for $600,000. Most egregious, he used more than $100m of the team's money on personal mortgage deals. The last straw was a $30m loan he got from Fox so he could keep meeting payroll. Complicating matters is a nasty divorce battle between McCourt and his wife Jamie. Frank claims he is the sole owner of the team. Jamie claims she is half owner because the team was purchased during their marriage. Selig might actually be saving the franchise by taking it over, and he will surely try to force a sale and make the McCourts battle in court for the proceeds. But it certainly is an incredibly embarrassing incident for the Dodgers organization and it could cripple the team's operations if it continues to drag on.



The Hypocrisy of Baseball
In baseball it is ok, even encouraged to steal bases. But it is not ok, and even discouraged to steal t-shirts. Cincinnati pitcher Mike Leake was arrested on suspicion of stealing 6 t-shirts from Macy's. The t-shirts had a total value of $60. Considering Leake's $425,000 salary he should have been able to afford them. The Reds seem unfazed by this, they let Leake take his scheduled turn after the incident and he improved to 3-0 on the season.

The Worst Baserunning I Have Ever Seen (And I'm a Mets Fan)
Thanks to an expanded free preview of MLB Extra Innings I spent the early season dipping into several games of teams I would never normally watch. When the Blue Jays and Angels went to extra innings I tuned in. And what I witnessed shocked me. Bobby Abreu led off with a single and advanced to third on a single by Torii Hunter. First and third no one out in the bottom of the 13th. Infield in, outfield in. Vernon Wells pops one to left, it's so shallow the left fielder (who I previously mentioned was playing in) and to run in and dive for it. Abreu conservatively decided not to test Travis Snider's arm. But Torii Hunter was running. Snider fired to first and doubled him up. Where the fuck was he going? His run means nothing. To make matters worse, Alberto Callaspo walked, and was picked off first. Where the fuck was he going? Technically it was Abreu who got caught stealing because he made a mad dash for home once he saw Callaspo was a dead duck. So with first and third and none out the Blue Jays faced one batter and got 3 outs. Total embarrassment.

Picture of the Week
I'm a sucker for interesting first pitches. Celebrities, hot chicks, dinosaurs. But this time it's a robot throwing out the first pitch for the Phillies.



First Pitch Honorable Mention
The Easter Bunny throws out the first pitch at the Marlins-Rockies game.

Look What the Cat Dragged In

A quiet California neighborhood is being terrorized by Dusty the Klepto Kitty.



My favorite part is Dusty coming down the street with a bra hanging out of his mouth.



But there are so many questions:
1) Why can't they lock Dusty inside the house? How does he keep getting out?
2) Why can't the neighbors lock up their stuff? I can see the bathing suits, but why are your tighty whiteys outside?
3) Why do his owners still have a collection of the stuff he's taken? Don't they give it back? Why are the holding onto their neighbors' dirty drawers?
4) Why do people own cats?

Poker's Black Friday

On Friday the U.S. government shut down Full Tilt Poker and Poker Stars effectively outlawing online poker in the U.S.
Several years ago Congress prevented banks and financial companies from doing business with offshore gambling sites. The poker sites found a way around that, using third-party payment processors to get the money from individuals' bank accounts.
Now the government says those workarounds were illegal.
11 people were arrested and now the sites are shut down.
I tried to logon to my account and was told I cannot play because of the government crackdown.
This is wrong on so many levels:
1) I am a grown person who should be able to do what I want with my money
2) the hypocrisy of banning an activity online, but making it legal in a casino
3) protecting us from the social ill of gambling which ruins so many lives. In this country we should not punish the responsible to protect the irresponsible, we should help the irresponsible or let them suffer the consequences of their actions
4) robbing honest, tax-paying citizens of their livelihood. Thousands of people make a living playing poker online and they should be allowed to do so and pay taxes on the proceeds
5) poker is not a game of chance. It is not gambling, for the people who do it well. Yes, there is luck involved, but over time luck evens out so those who succeed do so because of skill.

The only possible bright side of this would be if now that our backs are against the wall, right-thinking lawmakers heard our cries and legalized our hobby/profession. Otherwise April 15th will live in infamy as Black Friday for poker.

If that doesn't happen the worst part of this will be the almost total eradication of poker on TV. ESPN will broadcast the 2011 World Series of Poker, but they have already canceled one NAPT event because it was title sponsored by Poker Stars. Fox has already pulled "The Big Game" (the best poker show on TV) because of it's affiliation with Poker Stars. And every other poker show on TV relies heavily on advertising from poker sites. If those sites go away, those ad dollars go away, if those ad dollars go away the shows go away too. And that would hurt me the most.