Devastation

Right now I feel as low as I've ever felt. That game was horrible. I spent all week thinking that the offense that produced 120 total yards would not show up, and the one that scored 101 points in the previous 3 games would make the trip to Seattle. I was wrong. I bet we are the first team in playoff history to go +3 in turnover margin and lose...by 10. I love Coach Gibbs and every morning when I wake up I thank God for bringing him into my life but I think we were outcoached. Once we started the game unable to run I think we should have gone to the pass more, at least on first down. Also once Alexander went out we should have brought the house against Hasselbeck. Gregg Williams made his reputation blitzing and he just sat back and let Hasselbeck pick us apart. If we could have pressured him into throwing one INT I think we might have won the game. Rogers made a huge drop of a potential game changing INT. I'm very happy about the way the season went for 17 weeks (18 if you include the bye) but this game will sit with me for a long time. But maybe that's just the hurt talking.

A Great Idea Somebody Else Had First

CBS Sportsline is running a March Madness style tournament to determine which athlete is dating or married to the hottest chick. You've gotta check it out because there's too many women to talk about. When the tournament whittles down maybe we'll get into deeper discussion. Right now I would say the favorites are #4 Elin Nordegren (Tiger Woods), #6 Elisha Cuthbert (Sean Avery) and #9 Eva Longoria (Tony Parker).

Right now Elisha Cuthbert is trouncing LaLa 96 to 4. Justin would be proud.
Derek's girl Jennie Finch has a tough second round matchup looming against Giselle Bundchen, if Finch can sneak by Mehmet Okur's very sexy wife. Giselle is also getting all she can handle from the spunky Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I like the girl next door thing as much as anyone, but this one shouldn't even be close.
Veronica Vaughn got cheated cuz they used a horrible picture of her.

AI Dissed for an Old Fat Guy

CASINO staff at the Trump Taj Mahal are still laughing about a recent visit from Allen Iverson when the Sixers star, who usually plays three-card poker, was playing roulette. Also at the roulette wheel was a woman who bet No. 3 to hit. Iverson naturally assumed she was playing No. 3 because it's his jersey number, but she told him nope, she plays the number because it's her lucky one and was worn by her idol: Babe Ruth.

We Hear it Has a Happy Ending

A movie expected out next year, called"Feel" was produced by Christina Lurie, the wife of Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. "Feel" is about the experiences of men attending a massage parlor. They mentioned this on ESPN Hollywood and Mario Lopez made the joke I used for the headline of this story.

My New Favorite NFL Player

I don't like Joey Porter's trash talk but I do like his taste in movies. Last week against the Bengals Troy Polamalu caught a game clinching interception, but for some stupid reason he lateraled the ball. I just saw on Inside the NFL, Porter went up to Polamalu and said "Just when I thought you couldn't do anything stupider, you do something like this...and totally redeem yourself."
That counts as a close enough recitation of a great line from Dumb and Dumber: "You know Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself."

Not as Fun as Beating up Whores

Some crazy kids in Florida attacked some homeless men with baseball bats. They killed one of the guys. Watch the surveillance camera footage. These kids are doing it purely for the sport of it.

Besides Master Bates, Who Else is Related to Me?

Interesting study done by some doctors in Israel. Basically, they studied DNA and found that four women are the source of nearly half the Ashkenazi Jews in the world. Somehow these women left their genetic signature, something unique to them, that could only be passed on to their daughters. And 40% of the Ashkenazi Jews studied had it, while by and large it was absent from other Jewish and Non-Jewish populations.

Josh is Furious

We love fans who hold up funny signs at basketball games.

This picture is from last year when an enterprisingly Maryland fan cleverly distorted the message of a Duke fan's sign.

Stupid Song Girl

Derek loves the USC song girls, but maybe they aren't so smart. This picture was taken right after a Texas touchdown during the Rose Bowl last week. Look at the reaction of the Song Girl on the right, and the dirty look she's getting from the other girls.

Heath Ledger Gets Shot

Five paparazzi shot Heath Ledger with water guns at a movie premiere. They say Ledger spit on them. They opened fire on him and his girlfriend Michelle Williams soaking his face and clothes. Then they calmly walked away.

Weekly Picks

My picks have gone big time this week. CNN reporter and Fortune magazine writer Andy Serwer posted my picks in the Loose Change portion of his column on Money.com. I am picking those teams to win and cover the spread. I did not list spreads because point spreads are only for the gamblers right?

Welcome to Paul's Poop

Thanks for migrating over to the new address. This step was taken to ensure the blog would remain as great as it has always been. I never should have told co-workers about the blog, but once I did the word spread like wildfire around the office. No colleagues will be alerted to the creation of this site, so you can trust that an incident like this will never happen again.
Please continue to enjoy News U Can't Use at its new name, Paul's Poop.

Shrimp Death Lawsuit

I don't want to screw this one up, so I'll just give you the verbatim from Newsday:

The first piece of shrimp hit Jerry Colaitis' brother-in-law square in the forehead, attorney Andre Ferenzo told a jury Wednesday in State Supreme Court in Mineola.

The next one scorched the arm of Colaitis' son.

So when Colaitis looked up from his dinner at the Benihana restaurant in Munsey Park to see a third sizzling-hot shrimp sailing at his head, he jerked his neck away, Ferenzo said.

That violent motion wrenched Colaitis' neck and led, less than a year later, to the 43-year-old's death, said Ferenzo, a Roslyn lawyer representing Colaitis' estate. Now, about four years later, Colaitis' family hopes to win more than $10 million in damages for pain and suffering, lost earning potential and wrongful death.

But Charles Connick, a Mineola lawyer for the Benihana chain, said it's unlikely a chef who works for tips would toss food at customers after being asked not to, as Ferenzo claimed. And even so, he said the cause of Colaitis' death was an infection unrelated to the shrimp or a neck injury.

"The evidence will show that the manner of death was natural," said Connick.

Ferenzo said none of it would have happened without the shrimp.

"We're talking about pieces of cooked food thrown directly at people who are eating dinner in the restaurant," Ferenzo said in his opening statement.

In his opening statement, Ferenzo said Colaitis had gone to Benihana -- known for its table-side chefs, who serve up theatrics alongside teriyaki -- for his son's birthday.

Not long after leaving the restaurant, Colaitis began to feel pain in his neck and later went to see a chiropractor, Ferenzo said. When the pain didn't subside, he went to see three neurosurgeons, he said.

Colaitis underwent neck surgery at NYU Medical Center in Manhattan in June 2001. On Nov. 21, Colaitis checked into St. Francis Hospital in Roslyn with a 104-degree fever, Ferenzo said, and the following day, he died. The cause of death was sepsis, a severe infection.

Ferenzo said some chefs at Benihana abandoned tamer tricks, like flipping shrimp tails into their apron pockets, about 1998, when a Jackie Chan movie came out featuring a "mild-mannered chef who cooks up his own recipe for justice." Instead, they took to flipping the food directly at the customers, Ferenzo said.

But Connick said customers often enjoy having food tossed their way.

"Some customers, especially dads and sons, want to catch the food," he said. "The evidence will show that it was part of the show."

More Stupid Voting

Here are some interesting vote totals from the recent Hall of Fame balloting:
Don Mattingly 64
Orel Hershiser 58
Albert Belle 40
Will Clark 23
Dwight Gooden 17
Willie McGee 12
Hal Morris 5
Ozzie Guillen 5
Gary Gaetti 4
John Wetteland 4
Rick Aguilera 3
Doug Jones 2
Greg Jefferies 2
Walt Weiss 1
Gary DiSarcina 0
Alex Fernandez 0

A few notes based on that list:
1) Mattingly and Gooden both deserve to get in. Despite their relatively short reign of dominance, Mattingly was the best player and Gooden was the best pitcher in the majors for about 6 or 7 years in the 1980s.
2) Albert Belle also deserves to be in.
3) If Hershiser and Jack Morris don't make it, Clemens will be the only HOF starter from the 80s.
4) Who did Gary DiSarcina piss off? Why couldn't he get one friend to toss him a bone? Was Walt Weiss really that much better than him?
5) 5 votes for Hal Morris?
6) 2 votes for Greg Jefferies?
7) The 12 votes for Willie McGee were mistakenly cast for the Ugly Hall of Fame.

Reverse Racism?

I've already explained why voting is a joke but these college basketball polls are ridiculous. Especially the coaches, they don't even vote half the time. Anyway, sometimes I can't help getting worked up.
In this week's coaches poll Gonzaga is #7, West Virginia is #23 (the writers are a little smarter, they have WVU at #16).

Each team has three losses to quality opponents.
Gonzaga lost to UConn, Washington and Memphis.
West Virginia lost to Texas, Kentucky (both teams have fallen dramatically since that time) and LSU (that was a bad loss).
West Virginia's losses came in a row at the beginning of the season, which knocked them way down. But they haven't lost since November 26, Gonzaga lost on December 4 and 27.
They each have some quality wins.
Gonazaga beat Maryland, Michigan State (in a thriller) and Oklahoma State (another exciting finish).
West Virginia beat Oklahoma and Villanova (last week). They are on a 9-game winning streak, beat the #3 team in the nation and are only ranked #23?
WVU had a great NCAA tournament run and returned most of their key players.
Gonzaga flamed out in the tourney and lost their best player.
Both teams have cool looking big men who can really fill it up.
I know Bill will take Morrison, but I love Pittsnogle.

It seems like the pollsters are favoring Gonzaga for being a small conference team. “The media has been very desirous that a mid-major team do well.” Therefore they've built up Gonzaga and now that team is overrated.

Carson Palmer Borrows Mike's Shirt

At his press conference on Monday, Bengals QB Carson Palmer wore a gray, hooded, zip-front, Syracuse sweatshirt. If you watch the video you can see it in the very beginning. Mike has the same one and he wore it when he went on the field with Stacey during the homecoming game.

Just Clinton Being Clinton Man

No coach's outfit for Clinton Portis this week. No appearances with Johnny White Guy. No costume at all this week.

Portis received this letter from a female fan and decided to face the media as himself.

"Dear Clinton: You’re a special guy. Your sense of humor is amazing. But honestly: You are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in my life. What you do to me when I see your face is mind-boggling. Clinton, I would love to just see you come out as yourself. That turns me on more than anything you’ll ever know. If I had the opportunity, what I would do to you would just rock your world."

Prediction for Saturday's Game

Besides pain, I predict that FOX will show a late 70s or early 80s New England Patriots team picture featuring Don Hasselbeck and Mosi Tatupu. Their sons, Matt and Lofa, respectively, now play for the Seahawks.

Give Me the Mother Fuckin Gun, Akeelah

Saw the trailer for this new movie called "Akeelah and the Bee." It's about a young girl trying to make it to the National Spelling Bee.
When I saw in the trailer that the movie starred Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett, I thought they played Akeelah's parents, capitalizing on their chemistry as Tre's parents in "Boyz N the Hood." Alas, Furious plays a mysterious teacher, but Bassett is Akeelah's mother.

Another Big Win for the Knicks

The Knicks beat Dallas 117-115 in overtime last night. They blew an 18-point lead, 13 points in the 4th quarter. But they got down by 2 and were able to tie the game. Then after Nowitzki hit a dagger 3 in overtime to tie the game, the Knicks fought back. Curry and Davis got some key offensive rebounds, and Marbury and JC were tough going to the hole. The key was free throws. The Knicks hit 31 of 33, including 30 in a row. Next up, Atlanta tomorrow and Toronto on Sunday.

Notre Dame has a Homey

Found out during last night's game that Notre Dame's freshman guard Kyle McAlarney is from Staten Island.
He went to Moore Catholic. Here are some other career accomplishments:
-Staten Island's all-time career scoring leader with 2,566 points -- a total that ranks fourth all-time in New York state
-two-time recipient of the Warren Jacques Award, given annually to Staten Island's best high school player
-three-time Staten Island Advance all-star selection (justin is so jealous)

G-Mac Steps Up

After hearing a lot of criticism from me for his horrible play this season, Gerry McNamara played a great game last night. He shot only 8-23 but he hit 7 big three pointers. His biggest play was the scoop shot he hit (his only 2-point field goal) with 15 seconds left to put the game away. That is the shot he usually misses. We were up 3 at that point and a miss would have allowed Notre Dame to tie it. Big win for the Orange who were starting a tough stretch of 4 of 5 games on the road, the last 3 against teams ranked in the top 11 in the country.

Hating on USC

Some angry people are trying to raise money to buy a billboard in LA to make fun of USC. They claim LSU won in 2003 (which is true) and since Texas won this year, USC won only one national title. You can contribute to their cause.

This is the billboard they hope to buy.

Colin Farrell Sex Tape Hits the Internet

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Warren Sapp is a Fat Pig

Last week he was in Vegas and he stopped by the new hotspot Tao for dinner.
This is what he ate:

-a super sized plate (24 pieces) of the insanely delicious (and somewhat politically incorrect) Satay of Sea Bass
-a platter of BBQ pork ribs (another 24 pieces)
-two, 1-pound Kobe fillets, cooked well done
-a bottle of Opus One
-his own dessert platter of 5 different desserts (all sans chocolate)

It makes no sense why he ate all that but asked them to hold the chocolate on his dessert. Maybe he's allergic to chocolate.

Since I hope to never post about Sapp again I just want to add these comments by Carolina lineman Kris Jenkins about Sapp: "I hate him. Everybody says I'm supposed to be polite when I talk to you all, but I hate him. He talks too much, he doesn't make sense, he's fat, he's sloppy, he acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too. Not too many people have personalities like that and survive in life. I don't know how he does it."

Two of Kate's Favorite Things Clash

Kate's favorite jewelry store (Tiffany's) is picking on Kate's favorite retired NFL defensive lineman and current sideline reporter (Tony Siragusa).
Tiffany's sued Goose because his restaurant formerly Tiffany Gardens, shortened its name to Tiffany's. Goose (2 Os) says there will be no customer confusion.
"Tiffany jewelry is well known, and it's not like you're going to drive by our restaurant, think it's owned by Tiffany jewelers, and say this is where I'm going to buy a watch."

Disclaimer: I know this story is old, but I hadn't heard it, so I'm posting it.

Mouse Story was a Hoax

Yesterday's mouse story turned out to be a hoax.
The crazy old man had already killed the mouse before he tossed him on the fire. The fire reached his house because of the high winds. But since he lost everything and has no insurance at least he has a good story.

Trash Talk

Several NUCU readers have favorite teams playing in the NFL Playoffs this weekend. I have the Redskins, Bill has the Bears, Derek has the Broncos, Josh has the Redskins (he used to own a leather Redskins jacket), the Steelers (he's gonna move to Pittsburgh one day) and the Seahawks (he thinks Lofa Tatupu is cute) and TallSkott has the Colts.
The one thing none of us want is for one of the players on our team to pop off and say something stupid to piss off the other team.
Too late Billy.
Defensive end Adewale Ogunleye said ""hey get a lot of credit. I just don't think they deserve that credit. They have to prove it. We proved it one time. All we have to do is do it again."
Ogunleye went to Tottenville high school in Staten Island with Mike and Alan, all three class of '95.
Hopefully this won't come back to bite the Bears. And hopefully the Redskins will keep their mouths shut this week.

Conference Play Begins

SU already began Big East play, technically, with a win over South Florida on Sunday. Tonight is Notre Dame at 7pm on ESPN. The rest of the games will be on ESPN or ESPN Full Court. Last game of the season will be on CBS. Three of the Full Court games are St. John's, Seton Hall and Rutgers so we in the New York area will probably get them. Who knows about Saturday against Cincinnati. But that game is 8pm, and I may be too devastated by then to do anything.

By the way, Gerry McNamara is shooting 32% from the field and from 3-point range through 15 games this season, yet his scouting report still says "great shooter." Harley and Bill have joined me on the Gerry sucks bandwagon. Unfortunately there will be room for all of us by March.

Melo Steps Up

For the second straight game Carmelo Anthony saved the Nuggets by hitting a last-second, game-winning shot. This time it came in triple overtime against the Suns, with a cotton ball up his nose because he'd just been kicked in the face by his own teammate.
He is average 25.1 points per game this season on 46% shooting. He's still making too many turnovers but he is proving himself to be a winner.
LeBron will probably always be a better player, but if for the third straight year the Nuggets make the playoffs and the Cavs don't (in the weaker conference) people will start talking up Melo.

Break Up the Knicks

Another big win for the Knicks last night. They trailed 68-57 with 3 minutes left in the third quarter (and LeBron James had 30). From then on they outscored the Cavs 35-16 (and LeBron had 6, two on a meaningless basket at the end of the game).
The Cavs shot 4-20 from the field and missed 12 straight shots in the fourth quarter. David Lee only played 10 minutes, he couldn't cover LeBron. Quentin Richardson has been horrible, but he played great D.
Crawford was awesome, Frye was good and Curry is developing into a legitimate second-tier big man.
Over the past couple years the Knicks have lost a lot of close games, good defense and good coaching could be the difference between winning and losing, living and dying.
The Knicks played the Mavericks at home tonight. It will be a tough game but the next two games after that are against Atlanta and Toronto. Could there be a 7-game winning streak by the time Sobel and I go to see them play Minnesota on MLK Day?

Angelina is Pregnant

This news has been spreading like wildfire so I'm sure you've all heard it already. What you probably don't know is that this morning she served me with a paternity suit.

Raw Is Naked

Normally we don't post about wrestling but Master Bates told us he likes nipple slip stories.
On WWE Raw on Monday Lita and Edge were engaged in "a live sex act" under the covers of a bed that had been assembled in the ring.
It looks like the covers accidentally got pulled down, and Lita's left breast was briefly exposted.
Normally female wrestlers wear tape over their nipples to prevent such and incident, but not this time.

Not Safe For Work

For Josh

I am making this post in deference to one NUCU's most loyal and heretofore most anonymous reader, Josh aka Hugs.
Josh loves one of the several web pages that made up ridiculous "facts" about Chuck Norris.
Example: The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. (This one actually is funny because it's not some random bullcrap it's a clever reconstitution of an old adage.)
Either way, Chuck Norris does not like these supposed facts. He is "more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet", and he's "not quite sure what to make of it". Thankfully for the authors of these one-liners, Chuck doesn't "take offense nor take these things too seriously."

Hockey Impostor

Some crazed fan jumped on the ice during a Montreal Canadiens practice.
The Canadiens practice at the suburban arena when Bell Centre is unavailable. That was the case this time because of a Rolling Stones concert. About 15 to 20 fans, mostly kids, were on there.
The man had spent most of the practice sitting in the seats in hockey gear. Winger Alex Kovalev wondered if he was a player waiting to go on after the Canadiens practice. Then the man moved down next to the boards, tightened his skate laces and jumped on the ice.
He tried to score on goalie Jose Theodore.
"I didn't really know what was going on until the guy came on," a grinning Theodore said. "He came at me with his head down so I just wanted to say 'Welcome to the big boys.' I poke-checked him to say, `You have to keep your head up.' When he came back, I thought about going out of the net and not playing into his game, but then I thought he had the [courage] to go on the ice, so I let him have a free shot at me."
"He couldn't beat me. That's the main thing."
The man said he could have scored but didn't have enough time.

Quite Frankly, I'm Not Surprised

Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith is moving from 6:30pm to 11pm starting January 30th. The show started off pretty well when he was able to get some great guests (AI, Shaq, Jim Brown), now he is stuck talking football two days a week with his expert panel of James Hasty, Everson Walls and Eddie George. You get the typical Stephen A. fare, loud screaming, criticism of shitty players, dick sucking of good ones, and of course, interminably long questions that ever repeat the premise three times or make no sense altogether. Despite Adam's protestations to the contrary this show is now horrible and will eventually get cancelled despite the long contract Stephen A. supposedly has.

Starting Defense! Place at the Table!

Finally, one of my favorite movies gets some respect. In a Sports Illustrated poll of 357 NFL Players, The Program was the overwhelming choice as all-time favorite football movie.
I feel vindicated because for years critics have panned the movie in favor of sappy crap like Rudy and Remember the Titans.
But when it comes to capturing what really goes on in a major university's college football program, I believe the Program to have been very accurate. I'm sure all those things happen, probably not at the same school in the same year, but they happen.
Please use the comments section to discuss your favorite parts of the movie, except for you Harley. Normally I hope we have as many posters as possible but I don't want any of Harley's Hollywood crap.

A Little More

Hopefully this will be the last mention of Marcus Vick on the blog for a while. But I remembered reading about him in ESPN Magazine (the Nov. 21st issue, their big steroids issue) so I went back to check the article.

Here are a few interesting quotes:
"No questions about his past" - Virginia Tech football operations staffer
"Look man, this has got to stop" - Michael Vick to Marcus
"I had embarrassed my family name. I had to get myself together and say, hey, this ain't me, and this ain't the person I want to be." - Marcus Vick
"This team is what kept me going. I wanted to be part of it. That's what I was fighting for. They had faith in me and I didn't want to let them down once again."

Unfortunately he did let them down. Since that article he got stopped for speeding (while driving with a suspended license), stepped on a player's leg and waved a gun at a few kids in a McDonald's.
More details of that incident are coming out. Police characterize it as "a verbal altercation, not a physical one."
Vick said the teenagers were taunting him so he showed the gun to scare them.

It's Official

The 2nd Avenue Deli is officially closed.
The deli's website reflects none of this.
Here are more pictures of horrified onlookers.

Blaze of Glory

A man finds a mouse in house. He happens to have a pile of leaves burning in his yard. He throws the mouse into the fire. The mouse runs back into the house and burns the mother fucker down. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Ripped From the Headlines

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Score One For The Kids

Apparently former Bullets Center and star of "My Giant" Gheorghe Muresan does a lot of meets and greets at Wizards games. He took this picture with some blogger named Mark Pike. I would never have posted this except the picture is so funny and I may never get the chance to use this headline again.

Now This is Getting Ridiculous

NUCU's least favorite athlete Marcus Vick got arrested again.
This time he was charged Monday with pulling a gun on three teenagers during an altercation in a restaurant parking lot.
Police said the parents of a 17-year-old boy reported that Vick pointed a weapon at their son and two others during an altercation at a McDonald’s in Suffolk, Virginia.
This story has stopped being fun for me and is just becoming sad.
In the past month he got a speeding ticket while driving without a license, stepped on a guy's leg during a game, got kicked off the team and out of school and got arrested for waving a gun at some teenagers.
He didn't even need to go pro himself, he could just live off his brother.
There's nothing worse than wasted talent.

The Next Jets Head Coach

Just heard Jets GM Terry Bradway on with Mike and the Mad Dog and I think the Jets are going to hire New England Patriots defensive coordinator Eric Mangini to be their next head coach. Jets execs are flying to Boston to meet with him tomorrow.
Mangini is 35 and has only been coordinator one year, taking over for Romeo Crennell after last season.
Good news for Mike, Bradway also said Jets will not take a quarterback in the first round of the draft.