Weekly Picks

Finally got that big breakthrough week but could have been perfect. I didn't have Dallas originally, I had Buffalo, but as I was writing it I changed my mind to the Cardinals, but decided if I was that uncertain I should find a different game. So it was that indecision which led me to pick the Cowboys over the Bengals. Hopefully this week I can keep the string of best bets going. And I'm going to employ a different strategy this week. I've picked favorites 68% of the time, this week I'm going with four underdogs.

cincinnati +6 NEW YORK JETS
The Bengals are winless but have played a couple good games in a row. I'm not a big believer in the Jets and Brett Favre and I think the Bengals could win this game or at least keep it close.

detroit +13 MINNESOTA
The Vikings are coming off a big win on Monday night and I never like teams coming off Monday night wins. The Vikings really aren't that good, and this is a lot of points to lay with an average team, even though they are playing one of the worst teams in the league. The Lions should have enough offense to avoid their second straight division embarrassment.

miami +3 HOUSTON
The Dolphins are the better team here, plain and simple. I don't quite understand why they are underdogs, even on the road. This is not last season anymore. But sometimes when the spread doesn't seem right you're stepping into a trap. But I really think the Texans suck and the Dolphins Wildcat offense will help them put some points on the board.

ARIZONA +5 dallas
I don't think the Cowboys are as good as we may have all thought. The Cardinals have enough offense to keep pace with the Cowboys and at home getting five points, I like them to keep it close.

BEST BET
NEW ORLEANS -7 1/2 oakland
The Saints are coming off a big loss Monday night and are starting to get pretty desperate. The Raiders are still dealing with the Lane Kiffin mess. I'm not sure if they'll be able to shake it off, or if they'll be crippled by this unusual and awkwardly timed coaching change. The problem here is that Oakland's defense is pretty good. So if the Raiders can put 17 points on the board it might be enough to cover the spread.

Last week: 4-1 (5 points - 19 total)
Best Bets: 1-0 (5-0)
Home Favorites: 2-1 (5-5)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-0)
Road Favorites: 2-0 (6-1)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (2-4)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (0-1)

Rachael Ray Tries to Dispel Lesbian Rumors

We all know Rachael Ray is a butch lesbian, but she's trying to keep up the ruse by proving she knows how to handle the dick.

It May Take 13 Years, But Karma Will Get You Eventually

I don't know why it took 13 years but O.J. Simpson is finally going to jail, pending several appeals.
It just doesn't seem right that he's spent the last 13 years looking for the real killers on every golf course from Florida to California.
But this time I think karma finally caught up with his ass.
How do I know?
This guilty verdict came 13 years to the day after his acquittal for killing Nicole and Ron Goldman.
You can't dupe the universe with a hat and gloves routine.

Priorities in Order

Political analyst Jeffrey Toobin had one eye on last week's Vice Presidential Debate, and the other eye on his laptop. Toobin was caught by an over-the-shoulder camera, following the Cubs-Dodgers game on his computer.

Jews For Obama

As they head into Yom Kippur services Jews are implored to vote for Barack Obama.



Note: this is not a real sign outside a real shul, this site allows you to create fake church and synagogue signs.

Is My House Bugged?

Last fall I vented my frustrations at an asshole co-worker by using his name in place of the word "poop" in my daily conversations. When that co-worker was seriously injured in an accident I realized the power I wielded.
I led the Redskins to 3 late season victories by employing this method to jinx the opposing quarterbacks.
For instance, "I have to go take an Eli Manning," "I changed a Tarvaris Jacksony diaper," "I'm taking Diesel out, I need a Tony Romo bag."
Needless to say I was very surprised when this rhetorical method was utilized in an episode of "How I Met Your Mother."
Ted demonstrated his hatred for New Jersey with the line "I gotta drop a massive New Jersey."
This is not the first time a joke I've used has appeared in this show. The first episode featured Stella using a similar version of my popular refrain ("I just lost my erection") when she said "I'm losing wood here."

So far this season of HIMYM has been a little disappointing, I really thought they were pursuing a cheesy, sappy angle in the first episode when Barney fell for Robin. That fear emerged again when Barney made a sad face after Robin announced she's going to Japan to be a foreign correspondent.



I'm really hoping they don't turn Barney into a gay pussy who pines for Robin. He's at his best when he's womanizing and making crude jokes like the line of the year so far, from Episode 2: "I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut."

Song of the Week

"Once in a Lifetime" - Talking Heads
One of the coolest songs I've ever heard. I love the music at the beginning, I love the guy's voice and the strange things he's saying ("you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile"), the unison in the chorus, it just sounds great.
But some parts of it I just don't get. I think the main theme is that life moves so fast and so much happens that sometimes you want to ask yourself "how did I get here?"
But some of the lyrics like "water flowing underground" and "same as it ever was" confuse me.
This song has been in my head because it's in the trailer for the new Oliver Stone movie "W."

The NFL is Poop - Week 5

The Champs Are Here
The New York Giants had two weeks to stew about an unnecessarily tough game at home against the Bengals. And during that time, star wide receiver Plaxico Burress became the center of controversy, getting suspended for two weeks for not showing up and not answering his phone. Rumors surrounded him during his absence (he beat his wife, he's been fined 50 times) but the Giants didn't let it affect them one bit. They absolutely pounded the Seahawks, 44-6. And just to show Burress how much he was missed, Eli Manning completed passes to 8 different receivers. The Giants once again reminded everyone they are the champs, they are undefeated, and they are the best team in football.



The Only 5-0 Team in the NFL
Though they've done so in far less impressive fashion, the Tennessee Titans are also undfeated, and they have the best record in the NFL. Despite an in-game squabble (Keith Bulluck shoved Cortland Finnegan) the Titans toughed out a victory (with a little help from a bad personal foul call on Baltimore's Terrell Suggs) to improve to 5-0. Things are looking worse and worse for Vince Young and the Titans could soon be added to the long list of teams with the dilemma of an older quarterback playing well and a younger QB who was supposed to be the franchise's future on the bench (Warner over Leinart, Anderson over Quinn last year, Brees over Rivers a few years ago).



He Likes Big Butts and He Cannot Lie
Reggie Bush did his best Devin Hester impression by returning two punts for touchdowns, but it wasn't enough to bring his Saints a win over the Vikings. The big question being asked is why they kicked to him again after the first touchdown. As I've said repeatedly, a coach has to have confidence that his coverage teams can prevent a runback for a touchdown, especially after getting burned once. And I think the incremental advantage of 10 yards on every drive is better than the occassional return touchdown.
For the second time this season though the Saints can trace a loss directly back to a miss by Martin Gramatica. He may want to begin looking for work soon.

Game of the week
Indianapolis Colts 31 Houston Texans 27
This could go down as the game of the year as the Colts rallied back with 3 touchdowns in the last 4 minutes. But they couldn't have done it without Sage Rosenfels. With his team up by 10 with just under 4 minutes left, Rosenfels took off on a 3rd down and 8. In an effort to get the first down he leaped in the air, but he was crunched by Raheem Brock and fumbled.





The Colts recovered and returned it for a touchdown. But they still trailed by 3 points when the Texans got the ball back. On another third and long Rosenfels rolled out again, and was stripped from behind.



The Colts recovered again and on an amazing one-handed touchdown catch by Reggie Wayne took the lead and earned the win.



Rosenfels has been criticized for leaving his feet instead of sliding on that first fumble. It definitely would have been the safe, smart play to slide, punt the ball and hope at the very least your defense forced the Colts to use up some clock. But I think instinct took over and Rosenfels tried to get the first down and win the game. I think there was some happy medium where he could have jumped, and secured the ball at the same time.




Game of Next Week
New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers
The two competitors in last year's AFC title game look a lot different this time around. Obviously this season is going to be a struggle for the Patriots without Tom Brady, but right now they are only 1/2 game back in their division and the leader for the AFC wild card. But the situation is much different for the Chargers. They are 2-3 and though two of those losses were heart-breaking, they are in major trouble if they should lose this game.

Cheerleader of the Week
Tatyana of the Indianapolis Colts Cheerleaders
Tatyana has some very girly choices on her list of favorites. She loves "Dancing with the Stars," Will Smith, Cameron Diaz, "Under the Tuscan Sun" and books on healthy eating. I wonder if she read "Skinny Bitch."
She says her favorite thing about Indianapolis is that it has real people with values and morals. Maybe I found a hot Republican.





A Brief Rant About the Redskins
Right now I am cautiously optimistic about this team. Two great reasons for optimism, they are playing great right now, and they have three easy games coming up. If they can beat St. Louis, Cleveland and Detroit, I'll be very excited. Those teams are a combined 1-11. If they should lose one of those games, I'd be very disappointed.
But as far as their play, this game was huge. They got down early and didn't worry. They continued their gameplan on offense and went into shutdown mode on defense. On the Eagles first two drives they allowed 133 yards a touchdown and a punt return for a TD also. In the last 3 quarters the Redskins allowed only 119 net yards. After those first two drives, the Eagles got exactly one first down on their next five possessions. So the defense was awesome.
And so was the offensive line. The line which has been mashing people since the Giants game put the game away with a 7 minute drive to end the game. But the key play was the confidence Coach Zorn showed by going for it on 4th and 1 from the Eagles 35 with just under 3 minutes to go. If they miss, the Eagles have 65 yards to go for a game-winning touchdown, but he had faith in his line and his running back and that play put the game away.
The number one thing I love about Coach Zorn so far is his gutsiness. Many NFL coaches cost their teams by coaching in fear of getting ripped in the papers. Coach Zorn has none of that.
And I didn't even mention the playcall that allowed Antwaan Randle-El to throw a touchdown pass to Chris Cooley.



If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
New York Giants 31 Tennessee Titans 13
The Giants looked dominant and now that there's only one undefeated team in each conference, picking these two teams is a no-brainer. As for this score, the Giants offense looks too good, and the Titans barely have any offense, though it's been just enough to win 5 games.

Father Daughter Relationships

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton each sharing a moment with his daughter.

Interesting People We Met at Shea Stadium

While Nails, the Concierge, Focks and I were suffering through another painful collapse, the packed house for Shea's final game was chock full of interesting people.

There was the guy seated on the aisle in the row in front of us who brought his tote bag and left it in the aisle. The Concierge purposely stepped on his bag everytime he exited the row.

And then there was bag guy's wife, who kept turning around and talking to me everytime I made a bitter or angry comment (which was very often, especially during the 30 minute break between the game and the farewell ceremony).

Seated in front of them was the guy who signaled every time there was two outs by holding his middle and ring fingers down with his thumb and raising his index finger and pinkie to show everyone seated behind him how many outs there were.

One of the strangest people we saw (and I hesitate to make fun of him because he may very well have been mentally handicapped) was wearing a 69 Mets jersey, under a green blazer. He was also wearing an autographed Jets helmet. Wearing a full-size football helmet. He was walking the aisles displaying some kind of framed photograph (of what, I don't know).

But there was nobody in the Stadium, or perhaps the world, dumber than the couple who sat in the row in front of us for three innings -- until the rightful owners of those seats arrived. Insisting they were seated correctly they refused to get up. When they finally passed their tickets to the usher he discovered they belonged in the mezzanine, one level up. They were on the wrong level. As they left the aisle, the woman noticed she didn't have her tickets anymore. First, everyone accused the usher of not returning them. One guy insisted the usher empty his pockets. After the usher was cleared the finger was pointed at someone in the row who must be playing a cruel joke on this poor couple. Someone finally suggested the dumb lady look in her purse, and lo and behold, there were her tickets. And we missed a whole inning while all this was going on.

I Was Duped!

I wanted to believe in Kimbo Slice, I really did. I had so much fun at the first fight I guess I wanted to believe that he would be MMA's next big thing. I wanted EliteXC to take over, or at least force UFC to make more of their product available free. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
EliteXC had little credibility with hardcore MMA fans, and now it has even less with the rest of the country. Saturday night's debacle smells suspicious even to someone like me who is very reluctant to believe in conspiracy theories ("The only way three men can keep a secret is if two of them are dead" - Ben Franklin).
First, there was Ken Shamrock pulling out of the fight with a cut over his eye he sustained warming up. He had a real cut, which was visible, but it still seemed weird.
After four pretty decent fights, including Gina Carrano winning again and looking good, it was time for Kimbo.
14 seconds later the myth of Kimbo was shattered. He did get hit with one good jab right on the eye which opened a cut and knocked him down. But the rest of Seth Petruzelli's punches all missed. Even when he was on top of Kimbo it looked like he was missing and Kimbo was moving his head and arms enough to defend himself, but the ref immediately jumped it. And after the fight Kimbo didn't even seem to care.
Incredibly strange night, and possibly the last time MMA ever appears on network TV.

Here's the replay of the fight which is actually better than the fast-motion version. Listen to the announcer say "power punches" as Petruzelli misses completely.

Radio War

I unknowingly stepped in the middle of a radio war last week.
While mowing the lawn on Wednesday I heard Mike Francesa discussing plans for finding a replacement co-host for his show. He ran down a long list of people who would be getting a 2-day trial run.
The next day Boomer and Carton were making fun of this with Chris Carlin (who along with Kim Jones will get a tryout with Mike). They were bringing up the most obscure FAN personalities and asking if they'd be given a shot.
But what made it funny is that they kept playing all the cheesy jingles FAN records for each on-air host.
Evidently Mike didn't find it all that funny. On his show Thursday afternoon he ripped Boomer and Carton. Apparently this started when Boomer and Carton made fun of Francesa for his ridiculous assertion that the Mets should trade Wright or Reyes.
Francesa said Carton has a "meanness" to him, which I agree with. Carton is sort of like Master Bates, he tries to get under your skin.
Francesa then said he was ready for a war and he could take care of Carton in 5 minutes. After a short break Francesa said he was just kidding, but didn't seem to mean it.
On Friday morning Carton and Boomer fired back, discussing what Carton said was a "heated" phone call between him and Mike after Mike's Thursday tirade. They also said if Francesa wants a war, they'll give him one.
If you want to read the rough transcription of the comments from both sides, Neil Best, who broke the Mad Dog leaving story, has been tracking this latest outbreak.
The fact is, Mike is a fat arrogant fool who is feeling very beseiged lately. He's also an old-school guy who refuses to accept new ideas, including the internet. Whereas Boomer and Carton have a young hip show that is simulcast on paltalk, they use the website, and they talk about girls instead of the 1967 NFC championship game.
Maybe Mike feels a little threatened by the news kids on the block.

Wait Til Next Year

My plan for improving the Mets in 2009:
1) The Mets do not need to break up the core. Few teams have a core equal to Reyes, Wright and Beltran, you don't split those guys up, you build around them.
2) Because they have 3 great players, 2 very young, the Mets should build a young group around them, with the hope of winning next year, but the goal of winning for the next 5 years.
3) Make Daniel Murphy field 1000 balls a day at second base. Murphy's ability to take pitches and work out walks makes him a very valuable 2-hitter. He'd be an above-average second baseman, but below average left fielder. I like Orlando Hudson just fine but he'll be 31 soon and is basically an .800 OPS player, decent, but not worth a big free agent contract.
4) Absolutely, positively, sign Oliver Perez, no matter the cost. It will probably cost 6-years, $90 million which seems like a lot, but is actually pretty reasonable when you consider the contracts other comparable pitchers have received. Perez is only 27, so after a 6 year deal he'll be 33, which makes him much more valuable than a guy who is already 33. Perez could reasonably just be entering his prime. Also consider than Dan Warthen did have an impact on his performance, and hope that will continue. And please don't get turned off by the dollar amount, it's not like shopping at a store, if you don't pay for this good young lefty, you don't get one, and have 3 question marks in your rotation.
5) Don't even consider resigning Pedro Martinez. One of the worst free agent deals in history, when they signed him 4 years ago. He had 1 great year and 3 useless to horrible ones. If they even have a discussion with his agent it would be too much. Moises Alou must go also, freeing up about $20 million in those two contracts alone.
6) Consider the big splash. There are three huge free agents available, all of whom would fit the Mets perfectly. CC Sabathia is not likely an option, rumor is he wants to go to the West Coast. Francisco Rodriguez is the most obvious fit based on need and the fact that a lot of other big spending teams already have reliable closers. But closers are always iffy. The best fit might actually be Manny Ramirez. He can hit under pressure and his lax attitude, while galling at times, may be exactly what this team needs to avoid folding under pressure again.
7) But the main need is fixing the bullpen. Although the temptation is just to get rid of everyone, you'd need to bring in 6 new guys. So I say get rid of three of them. Sanchez has never been the same since his injury. Heilman absolutely sucks, has always sucked, will always suck. And Luis Ayala is terrible too. I'd keep Joe Smith, that's pretty much a no-brainer, he's young, and by far the best of the bunch. I'd keep Feliciano because he's young and a lefty and was excellent in 2006 and 2007. And lastly, I'd hang on to Schoeneweis because he's a lefty and lefties are hard to come by. I think he can be effective situationally and he actually wasn't all that bad this year, other than a few blowups in key spots.

The point here is that the Mets have a great nucleus to build around. They can either continue building with good young players, or add old tired parts and see them get hurt or falter, and end up in this same position next year. I choose youth.

Virus Alert

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

He Can't Replace Tom Brady

There has been some clamoring around New England for backup quarterback Kevin O'Connell to replace current starter (and former backup) Matt Cassel. But during practice this week O'Connell showed a disappointing grasp of the plays. Instead of trying to learn the plays, his wristband, which has the playcalls was covered up by a piece of paper which said "My dick is tiny too!" Not the type of thing the women of New England are looking for.