What Do You Give Me For? Heidi Cruz and Anna Gasteyer

What do you give me for Heidi Cruz and Anna Gasteyer?

Now We Can Call Her Ma'am Again

Sen. Barbara Boxer will not seek a new term when hers expires in 2016.
This seems like a good time to bring up this famous clip:



This has to be one of the pettiest, nastiest things any human being has ever done in such a public forum.
"I worked so hard to get that title."
Oh yeah bitch, he's a fuckin general in the Army. I'm pretty sure that was a harder title to attain.
And by the way, in the military, ma'am is how you show respect for a female superior.

Maybe He's Representing Staten Island a Little Too Much

Congressman Michael Grimm, who represents Staten Island and part of Brooklyn in Congress and looks like Chael Sonnen, administered a little Staten Island justice to a reporter after the State of the Union.



Grimm only wanted to answer questions about the State of the Union and the reporter, Michael Scotto was trying to ask about some campaign financing issue.
I don't have a problem with Scotto asking, I don't have a problem with Grimm not answering, and if he stated before the interview that he wasn't willing to talk about it, then I don't even have a problem with Grimm confronting him.
But even though I like his Staten Island fire, I wish he would have told Scotto "I told you not to ask me about anything other than the State of the Union and you tried to sandbag me, that wasn't right. Don't ever do that to me again." That would have been an appropriate and acceptable response.
Threatening physical violence never is, especially when you're wearing a microphone and making the threats in front of a TV camera.

How Did He Do It?

Senator Ted Cruz has just completed a 21-hour filibuster in a mostly futile attempt to defund Obamacare.
The rules of the Senate require Cruz to talk stand up the entire time. He wore sneakers to make himself more comfortable, but still, standing for 21 hours, that's got to be tough. If he sits for even a second, he yields the floor and his filibuster is over.

There is no food allowed on the Senate floor so he couldn't eat, maybe he had a small snack. He was allowed to drink, so he must have had like 40 cups of coffee.

I couldn't stand for 21 hours, I certainly couldn't go 21 hours without eating (unless it was Yom Kippur) but most of all, I know I couldn't go 21 hours without peeing. I think there's a decent chance he either had a catheter put in, or wore some kind of adult diaper like Depends or Poise.



And he must have taken Immodium beforehand because if he had one in the chamber there's no way he could have fought that off for 21 hours.

So he couldn't sit, eat, pee or shit, and most importantly he couldn't stop talking. He could yield for a question, but basically he was talking for nearly a whole day straight.

And when he ran out of things to say, he did this:



Apparently his daughters enjoyed Senator Cruz reading "Green Eggs and Ham":

More astute Poopheads will remember a similar scenario from a memorable episode of "The West Wing."

Waste of Money

President Obama is proposing $50 billion in new infrastructure spending, according to the New York Times "$40 billion of that amount would be directed to work on the highways, bridges, transit systems..."
But he seems to be forgetting something:



"Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."
They were going to 2015. Only two years form now we won't even need roads. So why waste $40 billion fixing them? Unless you are telling me Doc Brown was wrong.

Cory Booker Saves Freezing Dog With His Bare Hands

Newark Mayor Cory Booker has reached mythical status with his various good deeds including helping save a neighbor from a fire.
He even had help from our beloved BC, burnishing his reputation on Twitter:

Now we can add a new incident to the Mayor’s heroic duties. A WABC reporter in Newark found a dog that had been left outside. She tweeted about the incident and eventually Mayor Booker came by and put the dog in a cop car, and asked the cop to turn up the heat.
The dog’s owners say they were away from the house and Cha Cha somehow got loose. Good thing Mayor Booker was there to save the dog’s life. Just a typical Thursday for the next Senator from New Jersey, when Bob Menendez resigns due to having sex with underage Dominican hookers.

Behind the Numbers

I love looking at exit polls to see which groups and topics that haven't gotten much attention are interesting.

First, the Jews: 69% to Obama, 30% for Romney. Jews make up only 2% of the entire vote.

93% of blacks voted for Obama. Down slightly from 2008. They were 13% of the total vote.

Gays made up 5% of the vote. More than twice as many gays as Jews. And I'm sure there were plenty of gay Jews. Anyway, 76% voted for Obama, 22% for Romney. That surprises me. Nearly one in four gay people went for Romney. That tells me two things: they are not single issue voters, and they realize that even if Obama says he thinks gay marriage should be legal, he hasn't addressed it in his policies for four years. So if neither candidate wants to make gay marriage legal, might as well find another issue to decide on.

Young people (under 30) voted for Obama by a 60 to 37 margin. Unmarried women went to Obama 67 to 31. If we're going to pay for their birth control I at least hope the sluts put out.

38% think Barack Obama is most to blame for the current economy. 53% say George W. Bush is most to blame.

18% of voters say their household contains a union member. And those voters went to Obama by a margin of 58-40. Surprised so many union households went to Romney actually

Here's the scariest number to me. 15% said response to Hurricane Sandy was the most important issue to them. Those voters went for Obama 73 to 26. I think the media, and Chris Christie may have given the President an assist there. While early response seemed to be good, FEMA predictably failed to provide strong assistance as the days wore on.

And the most upsetting number: only 60% of voters have a full-time job. The full-time jobbers were split 49-49. Those part-timers and unemployed went for Obama 53-45, giving some credence to the joke that Obama would be in the lead until Republicans got off of work.

Election Prediction

Electoral College
Barack Obama: 294
Mitt Romney: 244

Popular Vote
Barack Obama: 51.5% (64.8 million)
Mitt Romney: 47%
Gary Johnson: 1.5%

Election will be called at 1:15 AM Wednesday morning.

Did He Tell the Grim Reaper to Wait a Minute?

Senator Arlen Specter died this weekend from complications of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Specter spent nearly 30 years in the Senate as a rate Republican Jew before switching to become a Democrat in 2009, like the rest of the misguided Jews.
As always in these obituaries I try to memorialize the dead with one bizarre, random, strange or embarrassing moment.
So here is Specter at a town hall in 2009, being interrupted by a heckler. Specter tries to regain control by saying "wait a minute" 12 times in 33 seconds.

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

I don't care what political party you affiliate with, how much convention coverage you actually watch, we can all agree on one thing: we like cute kids. So I was thrilled to see Carina Castro continue in the fine tradition of Piper Palin. While her father, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro was speaking about her first day of school, Carina saw herself on the big screen in the arena:

What Do You Give Me For? Newt Gingrich & Dwight Schrute

What do you give me for Dwight Schrute and a young Newt Gingrich?

It's Getting Ugly

Senator Scott Brown was elected two years ago in a special election after the death of Ted Kennedy. He has to run for re-election next year and already the Democrats are lining up against him. Elizabeth Warren, who was the TARP cop for the Obama Administration pulled out the dagger first.
When asked how she paid for college, Warren said "I didn't pose naked."
Brown did, in Cosmopolitan when he was 22.



When Brown was asked about Warren's comment that she didn't pose naked, he said "Thank God."



Now women's groups are calling him sexist. Even if his remark was a little bit petty and catty, I don't blame him, for two reasons. First of all, she started it. Second of all, she's ugly.

The Straw That Broke Weiner's Back

Lest you believe Congressman Anthony Weiner's big confession was caused by an attack of conscience, let me show you this:



That is a picture of a shirtless Anthony Weiner (though you can't see his face completely you can tell it's him, and confirm with a close examanation of the items behind him, including a picture of his wife) sent to a 26-year-old single mother in Texas, Megan Broussard.

In return Broussard sent him this:



And when Broussard decided for whatever reason she wanted to come out about her online relationship with Weiner she released other pictures to the press, including eventually ABC News. Here's one Weiner sent along with the caption "me and the pussys."



And that's what forced Weiner to finally come out and admit everything. He says he had online relationships with 6 women but never met them in person (I believe him, but after all these lies I couldn't blame someone who didn't). He says most of the relationships started before he was married, but not the one with Broussard.



On April 20th he posted a video of a speech on his Facebook page. She commented "hottttt" and he friended her on Facebook immediately. They started chatting and exchanging sexual messages. She didn't believe it was him so she asked him to write "me" on a piece of paper and take a picture with it.



So far we know of two women sexting with the Congressman. Maybe we'll hear from the other 4 maybe we won't. If we do, I hope they are hotter than these two so far.

But let me repeat this so I am clear. I really don't care what the hell he does on his free time. If he had come out and said right away that he was sending these pictures and having these conversations I would be defending him. I would say that's between him and his wife and nobody else. But it's the lying that always makes it 10 times worse. I don't care if he resigns or not. But I can understand the calls for his head, because of the lying.

Damino Learns An Important Lesson

15 years ago today Damino learned that you should never invite the whole school to a party at your house.

Never have the entire school over for a party when your Nana (may she rest in peace) lives downstairs.

One party ball is not enough beer for the entire school.

Damino also knows you never stop growing and learning.

He has learned a few more important lessons.

Always believe the worst about a politician.

Never believe a convoluted explanation when a simpler one is out there.

And never go against me when it comes to ferreting out the truth.

Rep. Anthony Weiner confirmed what I believed all along when he said "the picture was of me, and I sent it."

He went on to admit having internet or phone relationships with 6 women but claims he never met any of these women in person, just carried sexual conversations and exchanged the occasional lewd picture with these women. I hope he is telling the truth this time.

Several times during his press conference he said he was taking responsibility for his actions.

WRONG!

I have written many times on this blog about the importance of personal responsibility. I think it's the biggest problem affecting this country right now. No one takes responsibility for anything.

And it starts at the top. Bill Clinton (I know he wasn't the first) lied and lied and lied, until he got caught and couldn't lie anymore, then he apologized, admitted it and begged forgiveness.

Bill Clinton officiated Anthony Weiner's politically expedient wedding so I guess we shouldn't be surprised that when Weiner violated it he looked to his mentor for an example of how to take a scandal and blow it up into something 10 times worse by lying about it.

That's not personal responsibility. Once you've been caught, it's too late to be responsible. Personal responsibility is standing up and admitting wrongdoing because it's wrong, not because you have no other choice.

But politicians (in both parties) only care about themselves and their careers, and they will never take responsibility for their actions.

I just hope Damino learned that lesson this time.

Is it Weiner's Weiner?

The big question in Washington DC this week is did Representative Anthony Weiner send this picture



to this woman?



Let's start at the beginning. The above photo of someone's weiner, in boxer briefs was sent from the Congressman's twitter account, purportedly to a young female follower/admirer. Gennette Cordova of Seattle is one of roughly 40,000 people who follow Weiner on Twitter. She's one of very few, 200 or so, followed by him. And probably the one of those who has described Weiner as her boyfriend in a tweet.

But the picture actually went to all of Weiner's followers, not just her.

Weiner says his account was hacked. His name is Weiner, it's the internet, people play jokes. And that's why he does not wish to file a police report to apprehend the perpetrator of this crime. Surely hacking the twitter account of a United States Congressman is an offense serious enough to warrent police intervention.

To make matters worse, Weiner responded with his typical sarcasm and obnoxiousness to questions about the picture, even calling one respected reporter a jackass.

The PR nightmare this begat forced Weiner to sit down with every single cable network and try to tell his story. But he may have only made things worse.

He insisted he never sent the photo. But he would not say for sure that it is not a picture of him.

That leads to only one conclusion: this is a picture of him. The picture had to have been taken by the person in it. And he would have to know if he had ever taken this picture or one like it.

So now there are two choices: either he sent the picture. Or a hacker knew about the existence of the picture and hacked into his personal computer to get it.

If there were a hacker going into his personal computer, stealing his intimate photos and disseminating them on Twitter and he doesn't want to prosecute that person, I find that odd.

In order for Weiner's story there are just too many coincidences that would have had to have taken place. According to Occam's Razor, we have to believe it was Weiner's weiner and he meant to send the picture.

Still Schoolin the Youth With Wisdom

Raekwon from Wu-Tang clan was recently in Illinois for a concert and he must have made quite an impression on the State Assembly's Republican Leader.



Cash rules everything around me, CREAM, get the money, dolla dolla bill yall.

Glad to see that fiscal sanity has been restored to Illinois.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Plans to Use the "Why Didn't She Bite?" Defense

If French lothario Dominique Strauss-Kahn ever stands trial for an alleged sexual assault on a hotel chambermaid he's likely to use the "if she ain't bitin', she ain't fightin' defense."

Here's the maid's story:
She went to his room at around noon to clean it. She knocked and got no answer. She entered the room with her key and put her cleaning cart in the open door (a policy designed to prevent encounters such as the one alleged to have happened in this case). She then announced herself again. When she got no answer she entered the room. At this time she says Strauss-Kahn jumped out of the bathroom naked. He grabbed her from behind, fondled her breasts and threw her down. She got away but he chased her, caught her and at some point moved the cart out of the way and locked the door. At this point he allegedly stuck his dick in her mouth.



Here's what the defense will likely say:
The blow job was consensual. Plus, why would he rape such an ugly woman? Have you seen her? She's an immigrant from West Africa (Guinea), a Muslim who wears a head scarf. And if he had assaulted her and stuck his dick in her mouth, why didn't she bite down? Not only did she not bite down, she blew him long enough that he actually came. Police have removed a piece of carpet believed to contain a sample of Strauss-Kahn's semen from where the maid spit (which if this was consensual is a horrible breach of ettiquette).

That brings up one of two possibilities: either DSK is a quick-draw McGraw, or he is such a sexual deviant he was so turned on by the prospect of raping this woman that he came before he even ripped her panties off.

Crazy as it might sound I think they can actually convince one out of 12 people that this was a consensual encounter.

But there are a couple big things working against him. First, the maid reported this immediately. So often in cases like this the woman waits days, weeks or even months to report it. It makes her seem not credible and evidence vanishes. Her immediate complaint would make the gathering of physical evidence (scratches or other signs of struggle on him -- or her, in addition to the supposed semen sample) much easier.

Also likely to hurt the defense, the haphazard way he nearly skipped town. He left his cell phone in the hotel room (they tracked him down when he called the hotel to retrieve it) and he was on a plane out of the country within 3 hours of the alleged attack. If they can prove he bought that ticket a week prior, that helps the defense. If he changed his flight sometime in those intervening hours, that would be a very damning piece of evidence.

But we may never know the truth about the flight, or the contents of that carpet patch because I don't think this case is going to trial.

Someone with a French accent and a briefcase full of money is going to offer this woman a settlement. Faced with the possibility of an embarrassing difficult trial at the end of which even if she succeeds she gets nothing, or the quick-fix cash settlement, I think a poor immigrant from Africa who lives in an apartment rented by a charity to house AIDS patients (though her lawyer says she does not have AIDS) would have to let the guilty man walk if it meant providing a better life for her family.

Without her cooperation prosecutors would have almost no choice but to drop the case and let Strauss-Kahn fly back to the France.

Usama Bin Laden Sleeps with the Fishes

I think President Obama watched "The Godfather" this weekend. Because he took care of a lot of Obama family business. He went after Qaddafi (Barzini) and killed Tattaglia (Bin Laden). And now, like Luca Brasi, Usama Bin Laden sleeps with the fishes.



Note: I spell Bin Laden's first name with a U because that is how the federal government does it. It also helps to avoid confusion with the current President's name like the pile of shit Norah O'Donnell stepped in.

Note: He also showed his birth certificate and preempted "The Apprentice." I guess we could compare Trump to Fredo.

It was nearly ten years ago I walked in between the burning, crumbling Twin Towers wanting revenge on the people who did it. Now, finally, we have that revenge. Usama Bin Laden is dead.

And I am thrilled. If I had been in Citizens Bank Park last night watching the Mets beat the Phillies I am sure I would have been chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" along with the Phillies fans. Though I think those animals would have cheered the death of anyone. I kid, I kid.

I actually think the celebrations may have gone a little too far. The crowds at the White House and Ground Zero were mostly a bunch of college kids looking for an excuse to get drunk and skip class.



Yes, I'm happy he's dead, and I am celebrating. But the celebration should be honoring those people he killed. Because we are not celebrating his death in particular, we're cheering because the thousands of people he killed, and their families, finally have a tiny, tiny measure of justice.

I want to give President Obama full credit for this. When he was elected I was worried he would be unwilling or unable to kick the asses that needed kicking to keep us safe. He proved he's willing to do it. And this will help his approval rating and maybe even get him reelected. And if that's the case he deserves it.

But he couldn't have done it without the finest military in the world. The people at Guantanamo Bay who interrogated or even tortured detainees got the information leading to Bin Laden's compound. The 24 Navy Seals descended on that compound killing whoever got in the way (including the woman Bin Laden was using as a human shield) and then firing a bullet into the face of Usama Bin Laden.

But let's be clear, this doesn't end anything. There will always be people who hate America. Because we're Godless, or we're rich, or we're arrogant or because we do what's right and protect Israel. This won't calm those people, it might only incite them. They are not going to give up just because Bin Laden is dead. There will be a new Bin Laden bent on doing even more damage and killing even more people.

And someday we'll kill him too. Because we live in the greatest country in the world, and eventually, justice prevails.

You May Be Surprised at My Answer

Ohio Congressman and former Presidential Candidate Dennis Kucinich is suing a Congressional cafeteria for $150,000. Three years ago Kucinich ate a sandwich and bit down on an olive which still contained a pit. Kucinich says he suffered serious dental problems as a result, and according to his lawsuit "a loss of enjoyment."
Throw out the amount he's seeking, because you always ask for way more than reasonably should be awarded, fully expecting the judgment to be reduced. Consider only the merits of his claim. And forget the loss of enjoyment too, though I guess it makes sense, you would enjoy food and life a lot less if you had a broken tooth requiring serious oral surgery to repair.
Focus only on his claim: he expected everything in his sandwich to be easily edible. I agree with him. No one should put a olive with a pit in a sandwich, that's negligence on the part of the cafeteria's food preparers. And he suffered actual damages as a result of that improperly prepared sandwich. I say this is a legitimate lawsuit.

The Democrats Need Someone with Proven Leadership in Washington

Representative Heath Shuler says he will challenge Nancy Pelosi for the position of House Minority Leader when Congress goes back in session in the new year. Shuler has no chance of winning because despite her insanity Democrats still love her. Also, Shuler is about as conservative as a Democrat can be (he’s from North Carolina, big on family values and a fiscal conservative) which means he’s mostly unpopular inside his own party. What he’s hoping to accomplish by this is to bring the Democrats back to the center instead of the far left where Obama and Pelosi have taken them.



I’m a major supporter of Shuler’s because I like his politics and because he’s the best quarterback the Redskins have had since Mark Rypien. Unfortunately his career was derailed by injuries. But maybe it was a blessing in disguise because now he was forced to turn to a second career, one in which he can accomplish goals toward a greater good.