I Haven't Been to Red Lobster in a While

Red Lobster says it's seen an increase in sales since the release of Beyonce's new song "Formation."
Here's why:



For the hearing impaired, the lyrics go like this:

"When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster
When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster."

Red Lobster said sales surged 33 percent on Sunday, compared with last year’s Super Bowl Sunday.
“It’s clear that Beyoncé has helped create some Red Lobster fans,” Red Lobster’s chief, Kim Lopdrup, said in a statement.

There's No Such Thing as Safe Sex

This is so well-written, I took it right from the NY Post:

When your parents told you about the birds and the bees, we bet they didn’t tell you that a penis up your poop chute could get you preggers.
Well, luckily, that’s because about 999,999 times in a million, it can’t. When Brian Steixner, M.D., a urologist with the Jersey Urology Group in Atlantic City, was in med school, though, he witnessed the “lucky” one in a million.
One night, a young, pregnant woman came into the emergency department complaining of spotting. While it’s relatively common for women to have light spotting during pregnancy, the blood was coming from her rectum. That — not so common.
The woman was born with what’s called a cloacal malformation. Meaning: When she was born, she didn’t have a urethra, vagina and anus. She just had one hole, called a cloaca. (FYI, birds have them.) The condition is incredibly rare, occurring in about one in 25,000 female live births, says Steixner (and it only occurs in girls — lucky us). While no one knows what causes it, it’s usually diagnosed at birth and repaired right away so that the baby has a separate urethra, vagina and rectum.
That’s what happened in this woman’s case. However, something went wrong. Either the surgery was botched or in response to the trauma of surgery, her body formed a fistula (an abnormal connection between organs), and her uterus fused to her rectum. So every month when Aunt Flo came to town, she had her period rectally. Meanwhile, her vagina was a dead end leading nowhere.
Crazy, right? During Steixner’s conversation with the woman, he says she mentioned that she exclusively had anal sex prior to getting pregnant. Well then, that would explain it: She got pregnant through anal sex. “It blew my mind,” he says. A few months later, she had a C-section (the doctors didn’t think she should attempt to “poop” out the baby), and the child was healthy, he says.
Steixner says he doesn’t know what happened to the woman after she had the baby. And while the case of a woman getting pregnant through anal sex due to a cloacal malformation is incredibly rare, being born with a cloaca can be incredibly difficult, even if it is repaired at birth.
“Building the walls to separate the three passages [the urethra, vagina and rectum] is delicate work,” he says. “The longer the walls need to be built, the closer surgeons get to the urethral and anal sphincters. Some women suffer from leakage of urine and stool their entire lives. It’s a huge psychological and quality-of-life issue.”
However, since you’re probably wondering, even if the urethra and anus don’t work 100 percent perfectly after cloacal repairs, everything — vagina included — does look pretty “normal.” Of course, no two vaginas look the same (true story!), but chances are, no guy would ever be down there, pause and ask, “What happened here?”

I Once Got Busy in a Burger King Bathroom

A romantic night turned hot and spicy when a couple was caught allegedly having sex on a Chipotle roof in Delaware Saturday.
Michael Suh, 38, and Nicole Germack, 27, were arrested after an officer observed them engaging in sexual intercourse on the front of the roof of the Chipotle restaurant on the 100 block of East Main Street, Newark Police said in a press release.

The officer advised the couple to stop having sex, but they continued for almost 20 seconds, according to authorities.
When they finally stopped, they fled from the roof and into Suh's apartment a few feet away, said police.
The couple was placed under arrest inside the home. Both were released after paying $1,800.
Suh and Germack are facing multiple charges including lewdness and resisting arrest. It was not immediately clear if either had obtained an attorney.

No Wonder I'm Broke

A new study finds that sexually active people make more money.

And if you do it more than four times a week, you earn even more, the study shows.

"There is a monotonic relationship between the frequency of sexual activity and wage returns," Nick Drydakis, a senior economics lecturer at Anglia Ruskin University in England wrote in a paper for the International Journal of Manpower.

When people are having sex regularly, they're happier, stronger, eat better and exercise more, researchers have found.

The "Sex and the City" bed-hopping cliché notwithstanding, marriage seems to have a lot to do with it. "Married people, particularly men, earn higher wages than the non-married," Oswald said. "One possible explanation is that such people are sociable, stable people."

Conversely, a sexless marriage appears to be detrimental to a person's earning power. "Married men having no sex receive lower wages by 1.3 percent," Drydakis wrote, calling the amount "statistically significant."

Drydakis did have one caveat, which we'll call the gold-digger variable: In some cases, a better job or higher income could be the reason someone starts having more sex, rather than the other way around.

"Higher wages may increase the value and attractiveness of a person on the dating market; higher wages may also increase purchase of gifts that are thanked for via sex," the paper pointed out.

Sluts at Penn

A very interesting New York Times article sheds light on the new age of sluttiness on college campuses. The author spent an entire school year interviewing 60 female students about their sex lives.
Obviously you can't categorize 60 women into one specific type, but the overall gist is that these driven young women are too focused on schoolwork, extra-curriculars and post-graduation careers to form meaningful romantic relationships. But they don't want to be left out of the fun so they get drunk and have cheap meaningless sex but they try not to regret it in the morning.

“You go in, and they take you down to a dark basement,” Haley, a blond, pink-cheeked senior, recalled of her first frat parties in freshman year. “There’s girls dancing in the middle, and there’s guys lurking on the sides and then coming and basically pressing their genitals up against you and trying to dance.” Dancing like that felt good but dirty, and like a number of girls, Haley said she had to be drunk in order to enjoy it. Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk. One girl, explaining why her encounters freshman and sophomore year often ended with fellatio, said that usually by the time she got back to a guy’s room, she was starting to sober up and didn’t want to be there anymore, and giving the guy oral sex was an easy way to wrap things up and leave.

I don't remember girls like these when Reissberg and the Conch were matriculating there.

Michael Douglas Recants, Says Catherine Zeta-Jones's Pussy Didn't Cause His Cancer

Michael Douglas caused a shitstorm around the world, and most likely in his own bedroom when he said, of his throat cancer "this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus."
Douglas was forced, presumably by his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones to retract that statement. Now he says he meant that other people get throat cancer this way. His was caused by something completely different.
Except that's not what the statistics say. According to the CDC, Each year in the U.S., HPV is thought to cause an estimated

2,100 vulvar cancers,
500 vaginal cancers,
600 penile cancers,
2,800 anal cancers in women,
1,500 anal cancers in men,
1,700 oropharyngeal cancers in women,*
6,700 oropharyngeal cancers in men.*

*Note: Other factors, notably tobacco and alcohol use, may also play a role with HPV to cause these cancers.

So even the CDC says thousands of men get exactly this type of cancer from HPV every year.



You may remember that Farrah Fawcett died of anal cancer, likely from HPV, almost assuredly from the diseased cock of Ryan O'Neal.

The lesson as always kids: be careful out there.

Ladies, You Can Protect Yourself From Disease

A once dreaded disease has now been nearly eradicated thanks to the beautiful young women who have protected themselves from this dreaded ailment.

Pubic lice, more commonly known as "crabs", are now basically an endangered species. Doctors think the popularity of bikini waxing may be to blame (or thank). In Australia, no women have been seen with crabs at Sydney's main sexual health clinic since 2008, and male cases have fallen 80% over the past 10 years.

So-called Brazilian waxes, in particular, are seen as contributing to the downfall of pubic lice, since nearly all the pubic hair —the habitat, in this case— is removed in that procedure. All in all, more than 80% of US college students remove some or all of their pubic hair these days, Bloomberg reports. It's arguably a nicer way of dealing with the crabs problem, than the typical treatment, which is a topical insecticide.

Crude Sexual Jokes for $800 Please Alex

A Jeopardy! contestant gives an hilarious -- but wrong -- answer.



Did you hear Alex Trebek snicker when they guy said Donkey Punch? I believe Trebek has tried that move a time or two.

Story suggested by Gnitsark

Don't Have Skype Sex on a Stolen Computer

An Ohio woman settled a lawsuit with a software company after she claimed the company grabbed a sexually explicit photo of her from her computer.
Here's what happened: Susan Clements-Jeffrey, a teacher, age 52, bought a laptop from a student for $60.
Not surprising that computer had been stolen, and sold to another student for $40, who quickly flipped it to his naive teacher for a 50% profit.
Mrs. Clements-Jeffrey used the computer and the webcam to communicate with her out of state boyfriend.
This is where Absolute Software comes in.
In an attempt to recover the stolen property, the company grabbed a webcam image of Clements-Jeffrey. They used a webcam image rather than some other saved photo, because that's the only way to determine who is actually using the computer.
They also used the tracking software to locate the computer. They turned over the location and the explicit photo to local police, who arrested Clements-Jeffrey.
She sued, claiming her privacy and been violated and she had no idea the computer was stolen. A judge agreed and ruled in her favor (instead of taking it further, the parties settled).
The judge ruled, even though the company was tracking stolen property, a legitimate purpose, it crossed a line when it obtained and disseminated (to police) a sexually explicit image of Clements-Jeffrey.
I agree. And I would love to side with her but for one big thing. She didn't know the computer was stolen? There's no way that can be true. She bought a laptop from a student for $60 and didn't think it had been stolen. Not possible.
Not saying she deserved to have her naked photos exposed, but when you traffic in stolen goods I believe you lose some of your rights. And I think she should have had this case dismissed.

Do Bumblebees Have Sex?

I think I saw two bumblebees fucking. They landed on a leaf on a bush where I was standing and they were not disturbed at all by my flash photography.




The internet says they do in fact mate, and they usually mate with the male hanging on to the queen's back.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn Plans to Use the "Why Didn't She Bite?" Defense

If French lothario Dominique Strauss-Kahn ever stands trial for an alleged sexual assault on a hotel chambermaid he's likely to use the "if she ain't bitin', she ain't fightin' defense."

Here's the maid's story:
She went to his room at around noon to clean it. She knocked and got no answer. She entered the room with her key and put her cleaning cart in the open door (a policy designed to prevent encounters such as the one alleged to have happened in this case). She then announced herself again. When she got no answer she entered the room. At this time she says Strauss-Kahn jumped out of the bathroom naked. He grabbed her from behind, fondled her breasts and threw her down. She got away but he chased her, caught her and at some point moved the cart out of the way and locked the door. At this point he allegedly stuck his dick in her mouth.



Here's what the defense will likely say:
The blow job was consensual. Plus, why would he rape such an ugly woman? Have you seen her? She's an immigrant from West Africa (Guinea), a Muslim who wears a head scarf. And if he had assaulted her and stuck his dick in her mouth, why didn't she bite down? Not only did she not bite down, she blew him long enough that he actually came. Police have removed a piece of carpet believed to contain a sample of Strauss-Kahn's semen from where the maid spit (which if this was consensual is a horrible breach of ettiquette).

That brings up one of two possibilities: either DSK is a quick-draw McGraw, or he is such a sexual deviant he was so turned on by the prospect of raping this woman that he came before he even ripped her panties off.

Crazy as it might sound I think they can actually convince one out of 12 people that this was a consensual encounter.

But there are a couple big things working against him. First, the maid reported this immediately. So often in cases like this the woman waits days, weeks or even months to report it. It makes her seem not credible and evidence vanishes. Her immediate complaint would make the gathering of physical evidence (scratches or other signs of struggle on him -- or her, in addition to the supposed semen sample) much easier.

Also likely to hurt the defense, the haphazard way he nearly skipped town. He left his cell phone in the hotel room (they tracked him down when he called the hotel to retrieve it) and he was on a plane out of the country within 3 hours of the alleged attack. If they can prove he bought that ticket a week prior, that helps the defense. If he changed his flight sometime in those intervening hours, that would be a very damning piece of evidence.

But we may never know the truth about the flight, or the contents of that carpet patch because I don't think this case is going to trial.

Someone with a French accent and a briefcase full of money is going to offer this woman a settlement. Faced with the possibility of an embarrassing difficult trial at the end of which even if she succeeds she gets nothing, or the quick-fix cash settlement, I think a poor immigrant from Africa who lives in an apartment rented by a charity to house AIDS patients (though her lawyer says she does not have AIDS) would have to let the guilty man walk if it meant providing a better life for her family.

Without her cooperation prosecutors would have almost no choice but to drop the case and let Strauss-Kahn fly back to the France.

For Some of These Dweebs They May Never Get Another Chance to See This

I took Human Sexuality when I was at Syracuse, just about everyone did. It was a big lecture on a weeknight, then a smaller discussion group once a week. It was fun, we talked about sex, a moderately attractive girl in our group told us that she liked to be tied up. It was fun, I got a good grade, probably a B or better, and I learned a thing or two about a thing or two.

But we never saw anything quite like what they saw in the Human Sexuality class at Northwestern.

A woman was publicly penetrated by a sex toy on stage. A naked non-student woman was repeatedly sexually stimulated to the point of orgasm by the sex toy, referred to as a "fucksaw."

The class has about 600 students, 120 of whom stayed for the after-class demonstration. It was optional, and the material wasn't going to be included on the exam.

Students were warned repeatedly about the graphic nature of the demonstration though I doubt they would have left when they said "after class we're going to pleasure a volunteer with the fucksaw."

As for the controversy, maybe it was a bit much, but no one was forced or coerced to watch so if everyone who was there wanted to be there and chose to be there, then why should we make a big deal about it?

"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but watching naked people on stage doing pleasurable things will never hurt you," Professor Bailey said.

And isn't that the point? Sex is so demonized in this country (granted it does have it dangers) but for the most part, sex is good and fun and people are so uptight about it. But those people shouldn't be able to telling consenting adults what they should do.

And if you've read this far down you were just hoping to see a picture of Faith Kroll, the woman who was pentrated.

Rex Ryan's Wife Puts Her Best Foot Forward

Rex Ryan basically admits his wife is in the foot fetish video. He says "it's a personal matter" over and over again. If it wasn't her, he would have just said "it's not her."





That even sounds like Rex's voice, and I'm sure it is.

The question is: why is this such a big deal? Why is this personally embarrassing? Note: I'm only talking about the videos, not the contest of the profiles allegedly appearing on certain websites. His wife is not doing any wrong, morally or legally. If she wants to show off her feet to foot fetishists on the internet (like TallSkott) that’s her business. Deviance is in the eye of the beholder. She has lovely feet and if someone derives sexual pleasure from looking at them that’s their problem and not hers. Or Rex Ryan’s. I understand why it’s a news story, people are interested, even I’m interested. I just don’t see how any part of this is can be construed as negative or personally embarrassing.

Here’s the best analogy I can make: I’m sure plenty of athletes are married to Victoria’s Secret models. They walk around in their underwear and put the video on TV, the internet you name it. They have nice boobs, she has nice feet. And I bet a lot more guys jerk off looking at Adriana Lima’s tits than Michelle Ryan’s feet.

So can someone please give me one good reason why the Ryans should be embarrassed or ashamed of this?

Does This Mean the Average Age at Marriage is 70?

The average person’s sex life ends by the age of 70, according to a report published today in the British Medical Journal.

Men age 30 have an average of 35 years of sexually active life remaining, compared with 31 years for women, researchers at the University of Chicago’s department of obstetrics and gynecology estimated after reviewing a survey of 3,000 people. A separate survey of older people showed that by 55, men have an average sexual life expectancy of 15 years and women can expect 10 more years, the researchers found.

People in very good or excellent health were almost twice as likely to be interested in sex as people in poorer health, according to the study. Men lost more years of sexual activity as a result of poor health than women, the researchers said. That may motivate men to pursue healthier lifestyles, they said.

“Translation of expectations about the duration and quality of sexually active life may, at the individual level, influence important health behaviors to promote or prolong sexual functioning, such as adherence to medical treatment or maintenance of a healthy lifestyle,” the researchers wrote.

In statistics, projections of how long people will live vary according to age. Life expectancy increases as people reach middle age because they have survived risks that earlier in life reduced their chances of making it to old age.

The team, led by Stacy Tessler Lindau, used data from a 1995-1996 survey of 3,000 men and women between ages 25 and 74 and a 2005-2006 survey of 3,000 men and women between 57 and 85. Men were more likely than women to be sexually active, report a having a good quality sex life and be interested in sex, according to the study.

The gap was largest among 75- to 85-year-olds. About 40 percent of men in that group were sexually active, compared with 17 percent of women, the researchers found.

What's Lindsey Vonn's Position?

Sports Illustrated's Winter Olympics Preview features U.S. skier Lindsay Vonn skiing down a mountain. At least that's what it looks like to me, but to some women it looks like a sex position, not a ski position.
"women are more likely than not to be in sexualized poses and not in action - and the most recent Vonn cover is no exception" according to a women's sports website.

Assemblyman Spanky Duvall

California State Assemblyman Mike Duvall (he put the ass in assemblyman) learned about the dangers of an open mic.

Not realizing all the microphones in the room are on when the assembly is in session, Duvall was heard bragging about banging his mistress.

"She wears little eye-patch underwear," said Duvall, who is married with two children. "So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

What the fuck is eyepatch underwear? And why doesn't this bitch clean herself up after intercourse. She walks around all day with this guy's jizz sliding down her leg?

He also bragged to his friend "'So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!'"

The woman is 36 year old Heidi DeJong Barsuglia. Duvall is 54. Barsuglia is a lobbyist, and as I mentioned, Duvall is a legislator.




The worst part of it is, Duvall was cheating on his mistress with another mistress.

In the same conversation he spoke of another woman, "Oh, yeah, Sher, Shar, Shar. Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, 'So are we finished?' I go, 'No, we're not finished.' I go, 'You know about the other one [Barsuglia], but she doesn't know about you!'"

And You Thought My Unicorns Were Bad

European candy company Haribo have received complaints that the pictures on the packages of its MAOAM (palindrome alert!) sour candies depict fruits engage in sex acts.
In one, a lime seems to be forcefully fucking a lemon. In another, that same lime is popping two cherries.

Sanford's E-mail

To what should be the surprise of no one, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford now admits his weekend camping trip was actually a visit to his lover in Argentina. The best part of this whole thing, the release of an e-mail Sanford sent to her:

"You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details."

Another embarrassing sex scandal for another self-righteous politician.

I Think This Is Just Crazy Enough to Work

As a promotion for their new condoms which contain a mild anasthetic (to help men last longer) Durex introduced something called the "stamina pillow."
Just put these pillows on your bed during intercourse and you should have no trouble lasting all night.

Could You Live Without The Poop?

A recent survey conducted by Intel asked people which they would rather give up for 2 weeks, sex or the internet. 46% of women said sex and 30% of men did. Those numbers seem really high but because like all these stupid surveys, this one is incredibly flawed. It failed to take into account that people use the internet for hours everyday. But normal people only have sex once every 2 weeks (at least that's what Mrs. Poop tells me) and for only 2 minutes at a time (at least that's what I tell Mrs. Poop).
But if you asked Poopheads, I'm pretty sure they'd all say they'd rather give up sex than the internet.