The Search is Over

After years of looking for the best gore and scouring pictures of bull fights and the Running of the Bulls for pictures of people with bullhorns lodged in uncomfortable places.
We don't need to bother anymore. Here is the best (worst?) we should ever hope to see:

Matador Antonio Romero got an 11-inch bull horn right up the ass.
He needed full rectal reconstruction.

I guess he never saw "The Breakfast Club."

Safety First

UCLA's big win over Oregon this week was marred by a scary incident involving a cheerleader. She fell, dragging the whole pyramid down, landed on her back and may have hit her head. Assistance came swiftly and she was carried off the court.



Only problem, the dude carrying her stepped on a bag or some kind of cloth item left carelessly by the court, and he slipped, causing her to fall for the second time.

Sophie did eventually return to the court and is doing fine.

Bill Walton's comment only makes it that much funnier.

Please Disperse

I know people died in this fire at a fireworks market in Mexico



but I can't help but laugh because the video reminds me so much of this scene from "The Naked Gun."

The Beginning of the End

"Chalk it up to Swiss affluence. Voters here will decide next month whether all 8 million citizens and legal residents should be guaranteed a generous monthly income, something no country in the world has ever done.
On June 5, Swiss voters will weigh in on a radical proposal that would mandate the government to guarantee $2,600 a month tax-free to every adult citizen and legal resident, and $650 to each child.
The payment would be provided to everyone, regardless of work status, income level, or wealth. It is a benefit few countries can afford. But then, Switzerland is among the world's richest nations, with a per capita income of about $85,000, 40% higher than that in the USA."

This is going to happen. It is going to start in places like Switzerland, then move to places like Finland and Norway, then the UK and Canada and eventually to the U.S.
And when that happens we're done. Why would anyone ever work when a comfortable living wage is provided with no effort required.
Hopefully, I'll be long dead before they start paying everyone just to be alive.

Your Mother and I are Going on a Crooooooze

When Papa Poop asked me to drive them to the port in Bayonne I never expected my parents would later become part of an international news story.
But there they were, shut in their state room on Royal Caribbean's Anthem of the Seas while the ship was rocked during a massive storm off the coast of North Carolina. Waves of 30 feet and wind gusts of at least 75 miles per hour were reported.
At about 3pm Sunday afternoon seas started getting rough and all passengers were asked to go to their rooms and stay there. I believe my parents were seeing a show at the time and dinner afterwards (Papa Poop had agreed to skip the Super Bowl).

So they stayed in their room with nothing to eat except the minibar. Papa Poop ate a Snickers bar, some M&Ms and some grapes for dinner during the game (the TV signal never went out) but poor Mama Poop didn't fare as well, getting seasick.

Today it was decided that the ship would skip their appointed route and turn around and come home because of the forecast of more bad weather. The ship was damaged but mostly superficial, nothing that would make the ship unsafe.

So Mama Poop isn't going to Cape Canaveral or the Bahamas and she's probably not going to take them up on their offer for another cruise at a 50% discount (though she will gladly accept the full refund for this aborted cruise).

But Monday afternoon they briefly had an open bar and a frozen margarita helped ease her nerves.

Mama Poop did say she was fine, but wants off the boat, but is accepting this as a free 4-day vacation.

She was actually planning to zipline too, but all activities of that sort have been canceled.

Maybe next time.

The Internet Breaks and Kim Kardashian's Ass is Not Involved

Federal authorities raided the home of Subway spokesman Jared Fogle Tuesday morning. FBI sources told CBS4 federal and state investigators were serving warrants at Fogle’s Zionsville home in connection with a child pornography investigation.

The raid started around 6:30 a.m. Tuesday. An evidence truck could be seen parked in the driveway. Investigators from the FBI and Indiana State Police were at the scene.

Earlier this year, Russell Taylor, the former director of the Jared Foundation started by Fogle, was arrested in a child pornography case. He was accused of possessing and producing child pornography. Investigators said a search of Taylor’s home turned up more than 500 videos with images of child pornography. Taylor unsuccessfully tried to kill himself while in jail.

Fogle said the foundation severed all ties with Taylor following the arrest. Investigators wouldn’t say if Tuesday’s raid was connected to that case.

Fogle gained national fame after attributing massive weight loss to eating Subway sandwiches. He was a freshman at Indiana University at the time. He later became a visible presence in Subway ad campaigns, pitching the restaurant’s sandwiches and touting their health benefits.

Mrs. Poop's Pussy -- Tonsils

Mrs. Poop had strep throat. Her throat was so sore and irritated, she wanted me to take a picture so she could she what her tonsils and uvula looked like. As you can see, lots of pus on her tonsils, pussy tonsils.
Thanks to modern photography, I got this crystal clear picture.

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

It's not often that we include simple bruises in our ongoing collection of gruesome sports injuries -- but it's not every day we saw a bruise such as the one JJ Watt had on his upper leg, which he says he suffered during a game last September against the Bills.

There's No Such Thing as Safe Sex

This is so well-written, I took it right from the NY Post:

When your parents told you about the birds and the bees, we bet they didn’t tell you that a penis up your poop chute could get you preggers.
Well, luckily, that’s because about 999,999 times in a million, it can’t. When Brian Steixner, M.D., a urologist with the Jersey Urology Group in Atlantic City, was in med school, though, he witnessed the “lucky” one in a million.
One night, a young, pregnant woman came into the emergency department complaining of spotting. While it’s relatively common for women to have light spotting during pregnancy, the blood was coming from her rectum. That — not so common.
The woman was born with what’s called a cloacal malformation. Meaning: When she was born, she didn’t have a urethra, vagina and anus. She just had one hole, called a cloaca. (FYI, birds have them.) The condition is incredibly rare, occurring in about one in 25,000 female live births, says Steixner (and it only occurs in girls — lucky us). While no one knows what causes it, it’s usually diagnosed at birth and repaired right away so that the baby has a separate urethra, vagina and rectum.
That’s what happened in this woman’s case. However, something went wrong. Either the surgery was botched or in response to the trauma of surgery, her body formed a fistula (an abnormal connection between organs), and her uterus fused to her rectum. So every month when Aunt Flo came to town, she had her period rectally. Meanwhile, her vagina was a dead end leading nowhere.
Crazy, right? During Steixner’s conversation with the woman, he says she mentioned that she exclusively had anal sex prior to getting pregnant. Well then, that would explain it: She got pregnant through anal sex. “It blew my mind,” he says. A few months later, she had a C-section (the doctors didn’t think she should attempt to “poop” out the baby), and the child was healthy, he says.
Steixner says he doesn’t know what happened to the woman after she had the baby. And while the case of a woman getting pregnant through anal sex due to a cloacal malformation is incredibly rare, being born with a cloaca can be incredibly difficult, even if it is repaired at birth.
“Building the walls to separate the three passages [the urethra, vagina and rectum] is delicate work,” he says. “The longer the walls need to be built, the closer surgeons get to the urethral and anal sphincters. Some women suffer from leakage of urine and stool their entire lives. It’s a huge psychological and quality-of-life issue.”
However, since you’re probably wondering, even if the urethra and anus don’t work 100 percent perfectly after cloacal repairs, everything — vagina included — does look pretty “normal.” Of course, no two vaginas look the same (true story!), but chances are, no guy would ever be down there, pause and ask, “What happened here?”

That's Gonna Leave a Mark

Hockey can be a dangerous game. There are angry guys with sticks shooting frozen rubber discs at up to 100 miles an hour. And oh yeah, they are wearing very sharp skates on their feet.
Every once in a while one of those skates cuts someone.
That's what happened to Sebastian Courcelles during a Ligue Nord-Americaine de Hockey (LNAH) game in Quebec.

Warning: if you have a vagina you will probably not want to see this picture.

But don't worry, 50 stitches later, they fixed Courcelles up real nice, you can hardly tell.

Egad! That almost looks worse.

Kind of makes players who don't want to wear visors seem pretty dumb. Even though it might not necessarily have helped in this particular case.

Story found by Billy

The Butt Slide

I think I was the second-to-last person on Earth to see this one. I was laughing hysterically and everyone else was like "you haven't seen this yet?"
But I know Mrs. Poop hasn't seen it either.



This was kind of stupid of Phillips to try to apply the tag this way.
I feel very badly for Jonathan Villar.
But that is nothing compared to the Impossible Sit-Up.

Near-Death Experiences

Most of my posts about the Universe involve insignificant incidents like the Universe bringing me the Mr. Belvedere theme, or a silly hat or candy or Mark Feinsand, but this is a little more serious.
On Monday I was completely unharmed by two experiences that could have ended really badly.
On the way to work a slow car was holding up traffic in the left lane. I later passed this car and saw the driver to be an Asian woman (double whammy). It is always my contention that slow drivers cause more accidents than fast ones. This driver was going so slowly in the left lane that the center lane was full of people zipping past (though not at an excessive rate of speed). This left me and the two drivers in front of me frustrated, because we were essentially trapped behind Yoko Ono is a Prius. Eventually we came up on accident scene where traffic was slowed. The unsure, nervous driver in the Prius must have jammed on her brakes, and the two frustrated drivers in front of me jammed theirs as well. But they were driving too close and collided with each other (though not with the Prius). I jammed my brakes as hard as I ever have. Tires squealed, everything on the seats went flying off, kids books and stuff from the back came to the front, I was shot forward too, until my seatbelt locked. But luckily, and very narrowly, I avoided being part of the accident. I noticed a piece of someone's bumper in the road, and the two cars pulling off to the shoulder. Later that day, while doing my late night Paul-ates, the walking cool-down lap, I heard a crack and a crash. It wasn't windy at all, but it sounded like a tree branch being broken. I stopped and looked around but it was too dark to see. Then I walked about 5 more feet and saw this.

Had I been walking just a little bit faster I might have been under that branch when it fell.

This is what it looked like the next morning:

I'm not saying it would have crushed my skull or that I would have died in the car accident had there been one, but no one wants to be whacked in the head by a falling branch or involved in even a minor fender-bender.

And I'm perfectly happy to give the credit for these near-misses to the mysterious power that watches over me.

Release Point, Maybe?

Here at the Poop we love first pitches, interesting ones, celebrity ones, good ones, bad ones. Especially the bad ones. And this one by pop sensation Carley Rae Jepsen may be the best (worst) I've ever seen.



I love "Call Me Maybe" (SOTW, 5/30/12) and I'm willing to forgive her since she's Canadian, but I would happily instruct her on the mechanics of throwing so she can learn the proper release point.

One of the Most Gruesome Sports Injuries of All Time

By now you've seen it (so you don't need to comment "I saw that") but I thought I would write something here, for the record, especially since I have posted several gruesome sports injuries (they have their own tag) and I would be remiss if I didn't include this one.

Kevin Ware's injury was so nasty (his leg snapped and the bone poked through the skin) that Louisville players were reportedly vomiting, or at least wretching, on the sidelines. I thought Duke's Tyler Thornton had been poked in the eye. He was wiping away tears. CBS showed a woman in the stands crying. Mrs. Poop thought it was Ware's mom, then they showed three other women doing the same thing.





Ware is already out of the hospital, and on crutches.





Doctors (though not those who treated him) say injuries like this can be repaired and they expect Ware to be ready for next season. I think that a broken bone like this, though gruesome, is easier to repair than a torn ligament like an ACL. And usually has a very good chance of returning to normal form. I hope that will be the case.

Many people are calling this the worst sports injury ever, and it certainly is up there. But I have two I think were a little bit worse.

Houston Cougars wide receiver Patrick Edwards broke his leg in a similar fashion, but what made it worse to me, is that he did it by running into a cart, that never should have been parked there.



But the worst one in my opinion is Corey Hill, a former UFC fighter, who snapped his leg in a similar fashion while delivering a leg kick. What makes his worse is that he's hopping around as another guy is trying to punch him, and his broken bone is wiggling around inside his skin. Joe Rogan is shrieking "stop the fight! stop the fight!"

Everyone Does Stupid Things in College

After beating NC State beat Duke by 8 points (as Damino correctly predicted) NC State students stormed the court. They did it because their team has just defeated the #1 team in the country, and because it's fun. I have stormed a few courts and a football field in my dad and it's really cool, it's exciting and it's nice to have that experience.



Will Privette is a senior at NC State, studying communications. He is a huge sports fan, has been to every home basketball game but one in his four years and even did statistical work for the basketball team. Privette was born with leg deformities and has been in a wheelchair his entire life. As this game was ending he wheeled courtside and a friend offered to push him onto the court. It seemed like a good idea at the time but when the crowd came Privette got plowed out of his chair and went flying. Guard CJ Leslie found him, picked him up and held him until he could be reunited with his chair.

Privette was not hurt, but his phone was cracked and his chair was damaged. "But I don't regret it at all", he says.
"It was the dumbest thing I've done in college but it was awesome."
"I'm glad this happened my senior year. It's a great way to go out."

Normally, I would criticize someone for doing something so dumb that could jeopardize his safety. But in this case I don't blame Privette one bit for wanting to feel like a normal college student.

That Meth Addiction

Those of you who were avid viewers of "That 70s Show" like Mrs. Poop, or married to an avid viewer, you may not know the name Lisa Robin Kelly. But you may know her pretty face. She played Eric Forman's hot sister.

This is what her face looks like now.

Kelly was arrested in North Carolina after a fight with her 61-year old husband. She's 42 which means she was playing a college age hottie while in real life she was 28-32. They were charged with assaulting each other. But you can clearly see Kelly has bigger problems. Her looks have been damaged by what is clearly a years-long meth addiction.

You can also see the years of meth abuse on the face of Jael Strauss. In 2003, she was a contestant on America's Next Top Model. In 2012, she is America's Top Methhead.

Worst. Restaurant Review. Ever!

Celebrity chef Guy Fieri opened a new restaurant. The New York Times reviewer Pete Wells did not like it. What ensued was one of the worst reviews in restaurant history.

"Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?"

As you can see, Guy Fieri and Emily Dickinson don't look alike at all.

"Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?"

Why is the watermelon margarita blue? That doesn't make sense.

"How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey?"

"Somewhere within the yawning, three-level interior of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar, is there a long refrigerated tunnel that servers have to pass through to make sure that the French fries, already limp and oil-sogged, are also served cold?"

"And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?"

"Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?"

If you want to read the entire epic takedown of this restaurant here is the full New York Times review of Guy's American Kitchen and Bar.

But consider this: I don't think this is going to hurt the restaurant's business. The likely clientele of this establishment, budget tourists and families with children, probably have far less discerning tastes than a New York Times food critic. And there are few other affordable and appropriate food options for them in Times Square. I'm sure the Olive Garden would have gotten a similarly dreadful review from the New York Times, but the one in Times Square is packed. More importantly though, this could foment an entire new kind of tourism, people going there just to see how bad it is. Like a food version of a train crash. Our team has even discussed having our annual holiday lunch there, just to see how it is. If we do, I will let you know.

I Hope This Doesn't Mean The End of Car Chases on TV

I love watching live car chases on the news. The fun part about them is that you never know how they are going to end. The bad part about them is you never know how they're going to end:



You have to be really careful with something like this, must run it on e a delay. If something goes bad you need to be able to cut away before the audience sees a perp blow his head off.

For the record the guy who killed himself was Jodon Romero. He stole a car at gunpoint, shot at the cops, then led them on a hourlong police chase.

Prom Nightmare

Prom is the most important day in any high school girl’s life. There is so much to worry about, finding the right dress, the right boy, the right hairstyle. So much needs to be arranged, the pre-prom party, the post-prom party, the limo. And once you’ve got all those things you want to go someplace really pretty to take pictures.

In Fair Lawn that place is the park behind our house. Almost the entire school goes there to take pictures with their friends, since they know everyone else they know is going to be there. This year because Chase was in the child care program at the high school we went so he could take pictures with his senior buddies.

Note: there are many great photos of Chase in his baseball tie with teenage girls in prom dresses but I feel a little weird about posting hot barely legal tail on this blog. If you're into that sort of thing, check out Mrs. Poop’s Facebook page.

These girls were so excited to see Chase and so happy to take pictures with him. Even though it was their day they made time for this petulant toddler.

Note: the buddies were so nice to Chase that Mrs. Poop and Mama Poop were nearly reduced to tears.

Much like the Fair Lawn High School prom, the students from Kettle Moraine High School in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin found a beautiful location for pictures, a friend’s lake house. They all gathered on the pier for this lovely photo:

And then the dock collapsed. And someone snapped this photo:

As funny as that is I do feel badly for these poor kids who had their prom ruined, especially the one in the white dress using every ounce of tricep strength she has to avoid becoming submerged and see-through.

There is only one winner here, the guy on the far left holding onto his date. If he got her back on land dryshod you know he got laid that night.

What Happened to Lark Voorhies?

The former Saved by the Bell sweetheart has seen better days. Even Screech wouldn't hit that now. Her face looks puffy now, and not just from weight gain but possibly from cheek injections. She is 38, but looks more like 50.

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