There's No Such Thing as Safe Sex

This is so well-written, I took it right from the NY Post:

When your parents told you about the birds and the bees, we bet they didn’t tell you that a penis up your poop chute could get you preggers.
Well, luckily, that’s because about 999,999 times in a million, it can’t. When Brian Steixner, M.D., a urologist with the Jersey Urology Group in Atlantic City, was in med school, though, he witnessed the “lucky” one in a million.
One night, a young, pregnant woman came into the emergency department complaining of spotting. While it’s relatively common for women to have light spotting during pregnancy, the blood was coming from her rectum. That — not so common.
The woman was born with what’s called a cloacal malformation. Meaning: When she was born, she didn’t have a urethra, vagina and anus. She just had one hole, called a cloaca. (FYI, birds have them.) The condition is incredibly rare, occurring in about one in 25,000 female live births, says Steixner (and it only occurs in girls — lucky us). While no one knows what causes it, it’s usually diagnosed at birth and repaired right away so that the baby has a separate urethra, vagina and rectum.
That’s what happened in this woman’s case. However, something went wrong. Either the surgery was botched or in response to the trauma of surgery, her body formed a fistula (an abnormal connection between organs), and her uterus fused to her rectum. So every month when Aunt Flo came to town, she had her period rectally. Meanwhile, her vagina was a dead end leading nowhere.
Crazy, right? During Steixner’s conversation with the woman, he says she mentioned that she exclusively had anal sex prior to getting pregnant. Well then, that would explain it: She got pregnant through anal sex. “It blew my mind,” he says. A few months later, she had a C-section (the doctors didn’t think she should attempt to “poop” out the baby), and the child was healthy, he says.
Steixner says he doesn’t know what happened to the woman after she had the baby. And while the case of a woman getting pregnant through anal sex due to a cloacal malformation is incredibly rare, being born with a cloaca can be incredibly difficult, even if it is repaired at birth.
“Building the walls to separate the three passages [the urethra, vagina and rectum] is delicate work,” he says. “The longer the walls need to be built, the closer surgeons get to the urethral and anal sphincters. Some women suffer from leakage of urine and stool their entire lives. It’s a huge psychological and quality-of-life issue.”
However, since you’re probably wondering, even if the urethra and anus don’t work 100 percent perfectly after cloacal repairs, everything — vagina included — does look pretty “normal.” Of course, no two vaginas look the same (true story!), but chances are, no guy would ever be down there, pause and ask, “What happened here?”

Fuck Football, He Should Have Been on the Swim Team

Former Syracuse running back Rob Konrad survived a boating accident by swimming 9 miles to shore. Somehow he fell out of the boat (he was fishing alone) and couldn't get back to it (it was on autopilot). He left at 10am and his friends noticed he was missing when he didn't show up for dinner so they contacted the Coast Guard which sent a helicopter to look for him. Police found him on the beach at 4:40am when he somehow contacted them. He was treated for hypothermia (he was in the water for 10-12 hours) and was released.

I Told You That Bitch Crazy

Everyone thought it was funny when Kris Benson and his then hot young wife Anna told Penthouse Magazine that they like to have sex at stadia and in parking lots. Except Pirates manager Llyod McClendon who said he doesn't care what his players do between the sheets, only what they do between the lines.

Most people found it amusing when Anna told Howard Stern that if Kris ever cheated on her she would fuck the whole team as revenge.

Fewer people were laughing when she showed up at the Mets Christmas party for underprivileged kids with her boobs hanging out.

Almost no one is laughing now, as Anna Benson is accused of barging into Kris's house with a gun and a metal baton, wearing a bullet-proof vest and making threats. You can listen to the 911 call he made while she was in his house.

The couple is going through a difficult divorce right now and she says she doesn't have any money and he says she was demanding he pay her $30,000.

All I know is, like Anna Benson herself, this story is only going to get uglier.

The Best Promotion for "Catfish" There Could Ever Be

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o, and all of us, were the victims of a hoax. Te’o evidently believed some hot chick from Stanford he met online was his girlfriend. And we believed the story that she had gotten into a horrible car accident, the doctors discovered she had leukemia, which eventually killed her. And that death happened around the same time Te’o’s grandmother died. Which happened around the same time Te’o lead Notre Dame to a big win over Michigan State using the two deaths as inspiration.

Now we know there is no such person as Lennay Kekua. Someone else was operating a Twitter account in her name. Pictures of her were actually pictures of someone else. The voice he heard on the phone was someone else.
Te’o says he was duped and didn’t find out she never existed until December 6th and didn't tell the University until December 26th. There’s almost no way this could possibly be true, but it seems like Te’o was very careful not to say he ever met her in person, though his father certainly implied it. Deadspin, which did a great job uncovering the story, very neatly lays out all the evidence.
Maybe the biggest villain/dupe in all of this is Pete Thamel who really made this a national story when his piece on Te’o for Sports Illustrated centered on this tragic loss. He never asked for a picture of them together. He thought it odd that he couldn’t find an obituary for her online, but didn’t ask enough questions.
The story is too long and sordid for me to examine every single detail but I will say that my suspicion is that initially Te’o got duped. Eventually he figured it out but was too embarrassed about his phony girlfriend to come clean. So he conspired with the liar to kill off the fake girlfriend and hope it would go away.
Maybe he was duped the entire time, but told lies and omissions to make it seem less creepy that he had an online friend whom he had never met. I doubt that, but it is possible. It’s also possible Te’o was in on this the entire time, maybe to get publicity, maybe just because he’s young and dumb. But I doubt that too. Here's why: I read where a former Stanford player said Te'o asked the Stanford players if they knew his girl. So that's why I'm going with my suspicion that he was duped at first but got in too deep.
But I may get burned because you can't trust a liar.

Father of the Year

As a father you know in your heart you would do anything to protect your children. Would you, could you, do this?
A 23-year-old Texas man beat a guy to death because he was molesting his 4-year old daughter.
"The victim was an acquaintance of the girl's father who came to the barn to help care for some horses.
The adults were shoeing a horse and had sent the 4-year-old and her brother to feed chickens when the attack occurred.
The children's grandfather said the boy returned to alert his father that the little girl had been taken away by a man. The father found the pair partially naked.
In the course of trying to get her away from him, and protect her, he struck the subject several times in the head and the subject died."
He won't be charged with a crime (unless new evidence emerges refuting this story). If it's true this guy is a hero. And I hope if I were ever in that situation, I would do the same thing.

Getting Carted Off

Several people injured when a cart (the kind that normally takes injured players to the locker room) went out of control, despite no driver being aboard. You gotta keep your eye on the guy in blue who got run over but held onto the wheel and was steering it while it was careening recklessly. Good job by the guy who finally jumped on and was able to stop it.

I Guess I Wasn't the Only One Smitten With Pippa

Pippa Middleton's ass-hugging white dress caught the attention of the entire world. One British guy may have gone too far. He told his girlfriend Pippa's ass (they call it a bum over there) was better than hers, and bitch went crazy and defaced his car.



"Is Pippa's bum still better than mine?"

Thank god Mrs. Poop is a little more understanding.



Story suggested by Golzilla

Chase's Life as a Dog

Every parent worries. We all hope our child will grow up to become a happy, healthy person. With Chase, I just hope he grows up to be a person.
He seems to be going through an identity crisis right now. He has at least 5 imaginary dogs (his girlfriend Sarah once said to Mrs. Poop after school "Chase's mommy, can I come to your house and play with your three dogs), so he thinks he is a dog, this manifests itself in the following ways:
1) he pantomimes pooping in the grass and demands that we pick up his poop
2) he pantomimes urinating on trees by lifting his leg
3) after doing 1 and 2 he kicks the dirt to spread his scent
4) he refuses to hold hands while crossing the street because he insists he is on a leash
5) everyday when I get home he is lying under the table barking "arf! arf!"
6) he sleeps on the floor and not his bed
7) he thinks his Kix are kibbles

When You Have More Dollars Than Sense

To renew their vows on their second anniversary Nick Cannon bought Mariah Carey a ring pop, only it wasn't candy, it was a real ring.
The ring is made of white gold, diamonds, and pink sapphires, and comes in a special box with a "spinner" so "you can see it sparkle under the lights inside," according to Jason Arasheben, the CEO of the Jason of Beverly Hills jewelery store where Nick purchased the ring.
No word on how much it cost.

A Bit of an Overreaction

As I was walking to work I saw a guy in a nice suit running after a cab. It got stopped at a red light so he was able to catch it and he starts pounding on the window.
He's yelling "you better watch it, you almost ran me over, I'll fuckin kill you."
Then he walks in front of the cab and writes down its license and medallion number.
The light turns green but the cab can't go because this guy is standing right in front of it.
He finally steps out of the way, and the cab drives off. As it passes the guy, he spits on the window.
I bet he is a Syracuse alum.

Graveyard Dead Maam

I've heard a lot of 911 calls in my time but few are as dramatic as the one Donna Jackson of Oklahoma made when someone was trying to break into her house.



Here's a more detailed transcript of the call which shows that not only did the 911 operator not tell Jackson not to kill the intruder, she advised Jackson that she was within her rights to do so.

Jackson will not be charged with a crime because Oklahoma has a "stand your ground" law. I do however wish she had shouted to the intruder "go away, I have a gun, I will shoot you" and maybe even fired a warning shot.

Marv Albert Denies Fighting With 50 Cent's Entourage

Marv Albert said Saturday he was never involved in an altercation with 50 Cent, denying Internet reports of a fight on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

According to the reports, punches were thrown after members of the rapper's entourage didn't recognize Albert, the longtime sports broadcaster who was appearing as a guest on the show on Wednesday night.

But Albert told The Associated Press he was not even close to the exchange, which he believed was caused when a member of 50 Cent's party was prevented by show security from using a phone in the room that was supposed to belong to Albert.

"I couldn't even tell you what the guy looked like or the security guard looked like," Albert said.

Albert said he even read one account that he was punched by 50 Cent, who was the show's musical guest, but insisted they never crossed paths.

"They embellish. It keeps getting embellished more than anything else," Albert said. "What do you say, it's just wrong."

Albert appeared on the program the night before he called the Lakers' home game against Chicago on TNT. The Los Angeles Times' account of the event, by a writer who was there, describes a scuffle and "a fist or two flying," but never mentions Albert being a part of it.

But the story has changed as it's appeared on blogs in recent days, with Albert saying family and friends are reading accounts that are "completely made up."

"I don't know what tomorrow will bring," Albert added. "It will be Jimmy Kimmel got punched."

Albert said he was told the whole altercation lasted only a few seconds, but it's created a few frustrating days.

"I'm sure this will be funny to me in a couple of days," he said. "It's not funny to me now, obviously."

Big Fat Liar

Linda Brown rolls up to Burlington Coat Factory in Columbus, Ohio in a Hummer limo.



She tells everyone she just won $1.5 million in the lottery and has no family so she wants to use her newfound wealth to buy everyone a coat, up to $500.



People start going nuts in the store, grabbing everything they can find, and calling friends and relatives to come down and do the same.
Eventually it comes out that Brown is a liar. She didn't win the lottery, she doesn't have any money, and she's not paying for anything.
That set off a near-riot as people starting trashing the store and even stealing some of the things they thought they were going to get for free.

Brown's daughter says she thinks her mom must be off her medication.



Here's the video:

Owen Schmitt is Certifiably Insane

Seattle Seahawks fullback Owen Schmitt is one crazy son of a bitch. The guy bloodied himself during the introductions on Sunday.





This is not the first time Schmitt went batshit crazy and hit himself on the head with a helmet. There are so many great stories about Schmitt. He would be the type of gritty, hard-nosed, make-the-most-of-limited-talent player I would love, if I didn't have the sneaking suspicion of steroid use.

Movie Stunt Goes Awry

The new Nic Cage movie "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is filming in Times Square and typing up traffic. During a car chase scene, something went wrong.

ShamWow Guys Punches a Hooker

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested last month on felony battery charges for allegedly punching a stripper.
Police reports claim Shlomi met 26-year-old prostitute Lenea Harris at a Miami nightclub, and subsequently brought her back to his room at Setai Hotel. Shlomi allegedly paid Harris $1,000 for "straight sex."
That's went things took a turn.
Shlomi told police "that he kissed [Harris] when all of a sudden [Harris] bit his tongue and would not let go."
Shlomi punched Harris several times until she released his tongue, and then ran to the lobby to call police. Harris suffered several cuts and fractures to her face.

Josh is so jealous.

Maybe This is How Coach Died

I'm not quite sure of all the details but I wasn't there but I remember a story about Beers slipping on ice, and getting furious at Coach for laughing.
Maybe this story will help explain what happened to Coach:

"A group of Evanston, Illinois friends thought it was funny when a man fell on the ice, but the situation quickly turned ugly when the fallen man drew a gun and shot one of them.
When the group saw a man fall on the ice, they started to laugh at him, but he wasn't amused. The man pulled a gun and fired a shot, striking the victim in the ankle, the report said."

Something About That Mouse Pisses People Off

One restaurant is getting reputation nationwide as a place where wild brawls frequently break out, often between drunken customers.

The last place you'd think I was talking about is Chuck E. Cheese, but police have been called to break up 12 fights, some of them physical, at the child-oriented pizza parlor since January 2007. And that's only at the Brookfield, Wisconsin location.

The biggest melee broke out in April, when an uninvited adult disrupted a child's birthday party. Seven officers arrived and found as many as 40 people knocking over chairs and yelling in front of the restaurant's music stage, where a robotic singing chicken and the chain's namesake mouse perform.

Fights among guests are an issue for all restaurants, but security experts say they pose a particular problem for Chuck E. Cheese's, since it is designed to be a haven for children. Law-enforcement officials say alcohol, loud noise, thick crowds and the high emotions of children's birthday parties make the restaurants more prone to disputes than other family entertainment venues.



The environment also brings out what security experts call the "mama-bear instinct." A Chuck E. Cheese's can take on some of the dynamics of the animal kingdom, where beasts rush to protect their young when they sense a threat.

Amid pressure from local politicians, some Chuck E. Cheese's have stopped serving alcohol and added security guards who carry pistols.

CEC has been tightening safety rules to deter fighting in other ways. In Milwaukee, the store posted a sign outlining a dress code that prohibits what it calls "gang-style apparel." That location also implemented a code of conduct that prohibits knives, chains, screwdrivers and glass cutters. CEC is considering systemwide signs at popular games such a machine that draws digital pictures of customers to let people know there may be a time or token limit. Making the machines more expensive to use is another option, but Mr. Huston says that is "inconsistent with our value message."

In Pennsylvania, Susquehanna Township police are searching for suspects involved in a Nov. 9 altercation at a Chuck E. Cheese's outside Harrisburg. The police department gets called to respond to disputes at the restaurant as many as 15 times a year, Police Chief Robert Martin says.

This most recent assault, described in police reports, occurred after a woman in her 30s approached a 6-year-old boy who was playing a videogame. When the boy went to insert more tokens to continue playing, the woman grabbed the tokens out of his hand and told him to stop hogging the game. The boy went and got his 26-year-old mother, who walked over to the woman. The woman began screaming at the boy's mother, and another suspect, a man in his 30s, grabbed the mother by the throat and pushed her against the videogame machine. CEC employees had to pull the man off the mother. Both the man and the woman fled the scene.

In Toledo, Ohio, four women were charged with disorderly conduct after a melee erupted at a Chuck E. Cheese's there last year. According to police reports, it started when parents complained to the restaurant manager that children were loitering at the drawing machine. The children were Barbie Clifton's daughters, then 14 and 10 years old. Ms. Clifton had come out of the bathroom when she saw a woman yelling at her daughters and her friend.

That touched off a fight between more than 10 people, in which participants punched and screamed at each other. One woman removed the red rope that marks the entrance queue and handed it to another woman, who swung the metal clip attached to it at others involved in the incident.

Reginold Bell, a 45-year-old Milwaukee social worker, says that a child "assaulted" his 8-year-old son at a local Chuck E. Cheese's while the boy was playing in the Sky Tubes, a jungle gym with slides. Mr. Bell confronted the man who appeared to be the child's father, setting off an argument in which the man "used some vulgar vernacular," says Mr. Bell, who reported the incident to the police department.

Looking at Boobies is Dangerous

A 29-year-old man was shot in both legs outside a convenience store in Reading, Pennsylvania.
The victim and his friend were getting gas when they saw a woman lift her shirt, exposing her breasts.
While they were looking at her, a male got out of a vehicle and fired five shots at the victim.
It was unclear whether the gunman was with the woman or if the two incidents were related.
Of course the gunman was with the woman. They were obviously having some kind of argument and she said "oh yeah, well I'm going to show my tits to these two strangers, and then I'm going to do a little DP with them."
And at that, her enraged boyfriend pulled out the gun and shot the dude ogling his woman.
Why didn't he just shoot the woman?
Because he was angling for make-up sex.

Worst Sex They Ever Had

A British couple accused of having sex on a beach in Dubai face up to 6 years in prison.
Not only did they have sex in public, they did it without being married -- to each other -- which is also a crime.
The third charge against them is for drinking alcohol.
They could get the sentenced stayed if they get married, but the guy is already married to someone else.
Michelle Palmer and Vince Acors apologized for drinking, but insist they were not having sex.
But the cop who arrested them said "Her shirt was off and she was sitting on him and their voices were excited. They didn't even notice me standing there. He was kissing and playing with her chest. I shone my torch on them and said: 'Excuse me.' It was then they noticed me."
Sounds like they were fucking.