Weekly Picks

A dominating performance by the San Diego Chargers saved me from a disastrous week. Through three weeks I'm under .500 overall but by nailing all three of my best bets I've posted a respectable score.

KANSAS CITY +9 1/2 denver
Call me crazy but I like Damon Huard's ability to put some points on the board against a terrible defense. We've seen lots of times this year already when a veteran quarterback comes in, he brings a steady hand and improves the team's performance. The Broncos can score a lot, but they give up a lot as well. This is a big number to get for a home team and I think the Chiefs might be able to cover it with a late score.

atlanta +7 1/2 CAROLINA
I really like what the Falcons have done so far this season. Matt Ryan is playing well but I'm really making this pick because of Michael Turner. If he can churn up 100 yards and 2 TDs they'll definitely be within a touchdown. The Panthers historicaly are a team that disappoints gamblers, when you think they're good they let you down. I can definitely see that happening again.

PITTSBURGH -5 1/2 baltimore
I know the Steelers didn't look good against the Eagles but I just can't believe in the Ravens yet. You're telling me a rookie quarterback is going to go into Pittsburgh on a Monday night and keep it close? I'm still skeptical, but maybe I'll be a believer soon.

san diego -7 OAKLAND
The Chargers, and Tomlinson especially, always seem to dominate the Raiders. And they're still 1-2 so they can't afford a letdown against a bad team.

BEST BET
NEW ORLEANS -6 san francisco
The Saints have been putting a lot of points on the board and Reggie Bush is really emerging as the all-around threat the Texans hoped he wouldn't be when they passed on him in the draft. Sure they don't play much defense but the 49ers aren't exacly world beaters and with the spread under a touchdown, I think the Saints will cover.



Last week: 2-3 (3 points - 10 total)
Best Bets: 1-0 (3-0)
Home Favorites: 2-1 (2-3)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (3-1)
Road Underdogs: 0-2 (2-3)
Road Pickems: 0-0 (0-1)

I Wouldn't Want It Any Other Way

This past week has completely encapsulated the experience of being a Met fan.

There have been exhilaratingly high highs, followed by devastating faith-testing lows.

And another one of those is coming tomorrow. And thanks to some misfortune that befell Reissberg (he has to work) and some kindness from Mama Poop (she's coming to babysit) I will be in attendance.

Hopefully the Mets and Oliver Perez can send Shea Stadium out in style.

But if not, we've lived an entire lifetime as a Mets fan this week, and we'll happily do it again next year.

Let's Go Mets!

Oh Those Pesky Beavers

During Oregon State's monumental upset of USC, those Beaver fans really showed a lot of enthusiasm. They charged the field before the game ended then had to wait on the sidelines as it concluded. And during the celebration, ESPN's cameras caught several creative signs. One appeared to say "Erin Andrews KY Time." All across the internet people were posting on message boards "did that sign say Erin Andrews KY Time?" And Billy even asked me the same thing. But on further review, the sign was folded slightly when it appeared on ESPN's cameras, it actually said "Erin Andrews Sexy Time." Not nearly as funny.



But an even more creative student pointed out the dichotomy of each school's most famous alumnus. USC has O.J. Simpson and Oregon State has Sara Jean Underwood, the beaver who graced the cover of Playboy's girls of the Pac-10 issue.

Sometimes Nothin Can Be a Real Cool Hand

Legendary actor Paul Newman died at age 83. Even though his friends and publicists tried to deny it Newman was sick with cancer for a long time. If you go back over his history Newman has played as many great roles as any other actor in history. But for none is more famous than for "Cool Hand Luke." Here's the scene for which the movie and the character were named.



And here's another great scene from that movie. You will never look at hard-boiled eggs the same way.

Pinball Machines, Bongos and Corn on the Cob

Hilarious clip that is Safe For Work. Why it's safe for work, is the genius therein.


Diesel SFW XXX - Watch more free videos

Story suggested by Master Bates

My Favorite Childhood Game

I usually don't like gratuitous end zone celebrations that call attention to the individial and not the team. But this one by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers really was a celebration of team, and of the greatest game of my youth:



Ah Duck, Duck, Goose. One of the greatest things about having a child is that you get the chance to live your life over again. When Chase gets old enough to start playing Duck, Duck, Goose we're going to start training in the backyard with live ducks and geese. The key is pick a slow player, and get a running start.

Catch of the Day

The new incredible catch highlight making the rounds is this gem by Edwin Baptiste of Morgan State.



But how does it compare to this classic by Tyrone Prothro of Alabama?





I'm excluding David Tyree from this argument because due to circumstance it's impossible to separate the importance from the degree of difficulty and I believe it would win in a landslide.

Chris Rock Kills Two Birds With One Stone

Normally I hate the liberal media bashing of Palin and McCain but Chris Rock is funny and not hateful so I like that.

Listen to what he said about Palin catching Kim Kardashian in the crossfire.
The joke begins about one minute into the clip:

My Cupholder is Broken

Robert Half Technology, a California-based company that provides information technology professionals, asked 1,400 chief information officers about the strangest queries their help desks had ever received.
Here's a look at some of the oddest questions that IT executives reported receiving:
-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"
-- "Can you reset the Internet for me?"
-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"
-- "My laptop was run over by a truck. What should I do?"
Some people wanted answers to make their lives a little less stressful. They asked:
-- "How can I block e-mail from my manager?"
-- "Can I open the bank safe using my computer?"
-- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?"
-- "I'd like to stop receiving e-mail on Fridays."

And some demanded entirely too much:
-- "I'd like wireless computer access in my motor home."
-- "How long does it take to bake a potato in a microwave?"
-- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?"
-- "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

Couric Traps the VPs

Joe Biden has an interesting take on leadership during tough economic times.



Unfortunately for Biden the market crashed in 1929, and FDR wasn't President. Nor could anyone have gone on TV in 1929, it didn't become popular until much later.

But even Biden didn't look as bad as Sarah Palin did while trying to explain her foreign policy credentials.



First of all, Putin is usually in Moscow, so he flies west to get to most points in the U.S. And her argument about being next door to Russia didn't make much sense either.

You Sound Like A Damn Fool When You Say It Wrong

You will hear a lot over the next day (or two if the Mets should win again) about the team's resiliency. Only problem is, resiliency isn't really correct. You'll see it in most dictionaries, but the more correct term is "resilience."
Other words you often hear that don't exist are "laxadaisical" and "irregardless."
The correct words are "lackadaisical" and "regardless" or perhaps "irrespective."

Ya Gotta Believe

It disappoints me how many Poopheads who call themselves Mets fans missed out on the joy of last night's victory by giving up on the team. At least three of you said you didn't or wouldn't watch.
As I warned you, no matter how much the Mets let you down, you gotta keep watching, cuz something else great is coming.
Now I have no delusions about this team, and still expect them to miss the playoffs, but there's just something about them you just have to watch.
Let's Go Mets!

Does This Look Like a Lesbian to You?

One thing I've never understood about the gay and lesbian community is the dichotomy of their tastes. Gay men, who wish to have sex with other men, tend to pick the most effeminate men they can find. Whereas lesbians seem to typically be mannish women.
So it's no surprise that I find Lindsay Lohan's coming out to be a little incongruous with the rest of the lesbian community.
I think we all know that Lohan is a little fucked up in the head so maybe that could explain her turning to lesbianism for the happiness she can't seem to find elsewhere.
She also has an unsatisfying relationship with her father, which can be a major predictor as to which women will turn towards promiscuity or in this case lesbianism.



In this picture of Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson you can see that Ronson looks like a lesbian, and Lohan is all made up with her tits hanging out.
This seems like a look men would like, but women, not so much.
I think Lohan has sucked so much dick in her life that she just got tired of it and decided she'd like something else for a change. I think this carpet-munching phase is just a ruse perpetrated by her management team to make her more attractive to men. In 6 months she'll be back in a major movie role, dump Ronson and do a People magazine cover with the headline "I Like Cock Again!"
Mark my words.

Who Are These Guys?

Player A: .293 BA 20 HR 90 RBI
Player B: .285 BA 21 HR 87 RBI
Player C: .289 BA 27 HR 111 RBI
Player D: .286 BA 23 HR 86 RBI
Player E: .285 BA 29 HR 75 RBI

Putting the Ass in Assault

Jose Cruz, not the former baseball player, but the drunk from West Virginia, is charged with farting on a police officer.
Cruz was pulled over when he was seen driving without his lights on. After he failed several field sobriety tests, he was taken to the station.

While being fingerprinted, Cruz "lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Patrolman Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear, onto Patrolman Parsons. The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature."

So in addition to the drunk driving charge, the cops added a battery charge for the fart.

The Phillies Blow Up Hot Dogs

The discovery of several hot dogs in packages outside Citizens Bank Park brought the bomb squad out and forced the temporary evacuation of the stadium Wednesday evening.

About two hours before the game, fans inside the stadium were evacuated, but players remained on the field during the incident.

Bomb squad members further investigated the packages and determined they were simply several hot dogs in foil wrappers. Sadly, the wieners were detonated as a precaution.

"It was clear from when we looked at it at first glance and when you looked at the debris afterwards, there was packaging and duct tape; I don't see many hot dogs sold here with duct tape," Phillies VP of Operations Michael Stiles said. "We just did what we felt was appropriate."

How Dare You Sir!

There are few things in the world more annoying to me than the constant complaining by women when men notice their good looks.
The latest example came when Pakistan's new President, Asif Zardari, made the following incredibly offensive and tasteless comment to Sarah Palin. He told her she was "gorgeous" and said "Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you."
Where does he get the effrontery?
The fact is, women spend hours and millions trying to look their best so people (especially men) will think they look gorgeous. Then when it happens, they bitch about being judged only on their looks.
Now I understand why it's important for Palin (who it should be noted accepted the compliments graciously and is not complaining about them) to be taken seriously, but I refuse to accept that men view women as either good-looking or smart.
I know plenty of women whom I view to be both. I even married one.

You Have Reached The Mets Fan Suicide Hotline

Mets Nation is in panic right now as the number of calls, e-mails and texts I've seen from fans who hate this team, are never watching again or are planning to commit suicide is at a shockingly high rate right now.
Back in 1999, I read a great article about what it's like to be a Mets fan. I believe it was called "Metaphysics and the Mets."
The article detailed all the heartache the Mets have put their fans through over the years and why 1999 was going to end in the same painful fashion.
But the last line said (I'm quote from memory here) "But I think this year is different, we may just win this thing."
I thought it was perfect.
That's what its like to be a Mets fan, to be have your hopes built up so high, only to have them dashed.
And then be given a little bit more hope. And have it dashed one more time.
The best example of this is last year, when the Mets lost 5 in a row as part of the great collapse of all-time. But on that last day, with hope barely alive, the Mets won 13-0 and John Maine almost pitched a no-hitter.
With Pedro Martinez on the mound and no starter announced for Saturday, things don't look good this time around.
But we've still got Wright, Reyes, Delgado and Johan, so maybe we can win this thing.

The Sky is Blue and Other Brilliant Observations

Syracuse University football is 8-31 since hiring Greg Robinson as its head coach. Keep that in mind when reading these comments from Athletic Director Dr. Daryl Gross.

"It isn't working out."
"It's very disappointing."
"He has some work to do out in front of him."

Gross made these comments in an unsolicited phone call to ESPN after Lee Corso ripped him in a Gameday piece Saturday morning.



Corso is right about one thing, Gross is trying to turn Syracuse into USC East. I don't have a problem with that, if it works. No plan will work however if they don't start recruiting better. That's the number one factor in college sports and right now Syracuse is getting killed on the recruiting trail. Gross reportedly is considering bringing in former USC assistant and current Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin, if he is fired by Oakland (which could happen any day now). Maybe a coach with an NFL resume (no matter how checkered) will have the name recognition to start bringing some players back to SU.

I Wonder If They'll Talk About This on Mike & Mike in the Morning

Notre Dame tight end Will Yeatman and center Mike Golic Jr., son of the ESPN host of the same name, were among 41 people arrested during a raid on a house party in South Bend, Indiana.

Both of them got charged with being minors consuming alcohol, not the worst thing in the world, and not at all surprising for college students. Neither of them spent the night in jail.

But I can't imagine Mike Golic is happy about his son's arrest.

The charge could be more serious for Yeatman, who was arrested in January on a charge of driving drunk on a campus sidewalk. For driving on the sidewalk? And they agreed to plead that down? Crazy. I think this Yeatman guy will be forced to walk the plank and Golic will get a good ass-kicking from his father.

I'd Like to Eat it Straight from the Carton

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's, urging them to replace cow's milk their ice cream products with human breast milk.

"PETA's request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow's milk in the food he serves," the statement says.

PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben & Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."

In a statement Ben and Jerry's said, "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

I think B&J are too quick to dismiss this idea. How much do you think consumers would pay for "Titstachio" or "Raspberry Nipple?" And if it can be proven that breast milk has the same brain development benefits in adults as it does on babies, I'd be totally in favor of the idea.
But I'd be very curious to find out how we're going to get women to agree to be human dairy cows.

The NFL is Poop - Week 3

Tom Brady Doesn't Play Defense
The big question when Tom Brady went out for the season was whether the genius of Bill Belichick could overcome the loss of his QB. Well the genius is taking a major hit because he couldn't even stop the single-wing offense. Ronnie Brown absolutely destroyed the Patriots, scoring 4 touchdowns and throwing another, mostly on the back of that stupid direct snap play. What kind of halftime adjustments did they make?



9 Inch Line
While the Jets were making their comeback attempt against the Chargers, they went for what I assume was the shortest 2-point conversion in NFL history. On the first attempt, there was pass interference, moving the ball from the 2 to the 1. Another pass interference called move the ball to the half yard line. Finally, the Chargers were offside, giving the Jets the ball on the 9-inch line. They still missed the conversion attempt.

NFC Beast
The NFC East is a combined 10-0 against the rest of the league so far this year. It would be hard to argue that the Cowboys and Giants aren't the two best teams in the league and some are putting the Eagles in third place. With the division matched up against the two weakest divisions in the NFL (NFC West, AFC North), it's possible even likely, this undefeated streak could last for a few more weeks. The biggest threat seems to be Pittsburgh who host the Giants in Week 8 and played the Redskins on the road in Week 9.

Who Needs Michael Vick?
It remains to be seen, but at this point it seems possible the best thing to happen to the Atlanta Falcons was the incarceration of Michael Vick. Short of that there was no way they were going to get rid of him, and to be quite frank, I don't think he was a winning quarterback. Now they've got Matt Ryan who has already led them to wins and although his stats aren't incredibly impressive (he's letting Michael Turner get all the glory) he did throw his second beautiful long bomb touchdown of the season, this one to Roddy White.



Game of the Week
Denver Broncos 34 New Orleans Saints 32
No team embodies the phrase "it's better to be lucky than good" more than the Denver Bronocos. A week after winning on a 2-point conversion which was preceded by a blown call that negated a turnover, the Broncos latest victory came off a missed field goal by Martin Gramatica.
While the Broncos have been putting points on the board at an alarming rate (117 through 3 games), they're also giving them up pretty easily too. Defense wins championships.



Game of Next Week
Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans
Two teams that are mirror images of one another. They both replaced their young black QB with an old white guy, and appear to be the better for it. Both teams habe strong running games and stout defensive fronts. Right now the biggest difference is in their records. With a win here the Titans can go to 4-0 and solidfy themselves as the top team in the AFC.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
I've always said about Jason Campbell and other young quarterbacks, that the key to their success is the ability to make the big play with the game on the line. And that doesn't always mean throwing a touchdown pass. Facing a 2nd and 7 with 2 minutes remaining the Redskins needed one more first down to ice the game. Last year they were very susceptible in this situation, several times electing to run into the line three times and punt. This time they threw on second down and completed a pass to Chris Cooley which won the game.
I also liked the moxie Jim Zorn showed on the previous possession. After a sack on 3rd down moved the Redskins back to the 34 yard line with 3:29 left. I think a lot of NFL coaches would punt and save at least 20 yards of field position in this spot. But Zorn elected to kick the field goal and ty to take a 10-point lead. Unfortunately, he's saddled with a shitty kicker who missed the field goal (his 3rd miss in 7 attempts this year) but he made the right decision and his defense, and eventually Jason Campbell bailed him (and Suisham) out.



Cheerleader of the Week
Megan from the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders







If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Dallas Cowboys 28 Tennessee Titans 14
By virtue of their impressive win on the road the Cowboys regain the NFC spot in the hypothetical big game, particularly because the Giants struggled at home against a bad team. As for the sacrificial lamb on the AFC side (wow, so much has changed in a year) Tennessee has a better defense than Denver, and both the Broncos and Bills need last second field goals to go their way in order to keep their perfect records.

Clay is Gay

I guess Kelly Ripa knew what she was talking about when she objected to Clay Aiken placing his hand over her mouth.
Aiken has finally come out of the closet, tired of keeping the world's worst-kept secret.
He tells People Magazine "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things."



In case you didn't know Aiken had a child with a female friend by artificial insemination.

The aforementioned Kelly Ripa situation is an example of how poorly this secret was kept. When Ripa said "I don't know where your hands have been," she obviously meant they were wrapped around some dude's cock, or worse, up some dude's ass. Noted lesbian Rosie O'Donnell understood the subtext of those remarks and called Kelly a homophobe. And when she and Kelly debated the issue on "The View" they both ignored the fact that Aiken was still pretending to be a straight man.

And although I have no particular fondness for Aiken, I have no reason to dislike him either. And since my stated objective in life is to "live and let live" I hope Aiken's admission will grant him some peace of mind and make him a happier person and a better father to his child.

Song of the Week

"Invisible" - Clay Aiken
Now that we know for sure that Clay is gay this song kind of takes on a different meeting. But it's really the only decent thing he's ever done since American Idol.
If you need a reminder of how awesome Clay really was before all this stuff happened, watch his initial American Idol audition. But I guess Randy knew what he was talking about when he told Clay "you can really blow."

We'll Cross That Bridge When We Come To It

I know we're getting ahead of ourselves but here's an interesting question the Mets may need to address this weekend. If things remain the same and the Mets are still one game ahead of the Brewers going into Sunday with Johan Santana scheduled to pitch, what should the Mets do?
Should they hold him back, hoping they can win without him or hoping the Brewers lose? If they did that and it worked Santana could go in Game 1 of the Division Series. And worst case scenario you'd have him for a 1-game playoff.
Or you could pitch him Sunday in his regular spot and hope he wins, but you wouldn't be able to use him again until Game 3 of the NLDS.

Judging by this team's play, I'd still go with him on Sunday and worry about the NLDS once we get there.

Good...Great...GRAND!

The last three times a pitcher hit a grand slam were all against the Mets. There was Dontrelle Willis back in 2006, and Felix Hernandez earlier this year.
Jason Marquis had 5 RBI in this game. The last time a Cubs pitcher had 5 RBI in a game was when Milt Pappas did it in 1972.
The last time we heard about Milt Pappas was when Carlos Zambrano pitched a no-hitter, and once again erased Pappas from the Cubs' record books.

Let's Hope Papa Poop is Lucky

The most dedicated Mets fan I know (he wouldn't let me watch the Chargers-Jets game, even though they Mets were losing 9-4 in the 9th) is going to three of the next four games, all of which will be crucial.
Papa Poop is going to see Johan Santana tonight, and he'll also be at Shea Wednesday and Friday.
Hopefully he'll be able to use his tickets for the second home game of the division series.

What a Weekend

The Poop Family took full advantage of the beautiful weather and made the most out of this last weekend of summer.
Saturday morning we woke up early (as we do every morning thanks to Chase) and played for a little while before finally getting our asses in gear.
We went to Panera bread for lunch because soup in a bread bowl is delicious no matter how warm it is outside.
Then I went to buy a new suit because the holidays are coming up. I got a gray suit with a blue shirt and orange tie (because orange is my favorite color). The guy kept trying to sell me some more fashionable shirt and tie combinations and I didn't want to tell him that I hate clothes and think his whole fashion industry is a sham. But I just kept saying "it's not me" until he got the message.
Then we took Diesel to the dog park so he could run around a little bit. Chase watched from the side and yelled "gog." Some guy had two adorable pit bull puppies tied to the fence (because they were too young to go inside) and Chase pointed at them.
Chase went on the swing for a little while which he loves, but always holds on to the metal, so Mrs. Poop obsessively Purells his hands.
We went home, got cleaned up and went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesday's where I had the most delicious chicken ever. It was a fried chicken breast covered in BBQ sauce, cheese and fried onion strips. Delicious.
Then we came home put Chase and Mrs. Poop to bed while I watched the Mets and some college football.
In the morning, we went to a farmer's market because I found these delicious pickles the last time we went there. I've never been able to find those pickles you get at a kosher deli. Until now. Last time I only bought a pint, and that was gone in less than two days. So this time I bought a half-gallon of the full sours. That may have been too much. But they are delicious.
Then we went to Whole Foods to pick up some organic milk for Chase which is twice as expensive as gas, even though all you have to do to get it is squeeze a cow's tit. Whereas to get gas you have drill thousands of feet under the ocean, transport it in a special tanker, refine it, drive it to New Jersey and have some unhappy lout pump it into my car. Seems like gas is a lot more work.
Whole Foods is a happening place, everytime we go there we run into one of Mrs. Poop's mommy friends. This time we saw a little girl named Shea whose parents are changing her name to CitiField next year.
When we got home I mowed the lawn because it was growing like weeds, then Chase napped while I watched football. After dinner and after football we walked to Baskin-Robbins for ice cream.
As a bonus on Monday morning we went to Target (for popcorn of course) and Costco.
Mrs. Poop was furious that I wore my LaDanian Tomlinson jersey to antagonize the Jets fans.
But the Chargers covered the spread so up yours Jets fans!

Hello Old Friend Part II

In my haste to publish my previous post about Jamie-Lynn Sigler I forgot that I wanted to post this picture of her too. Thanks to SCZA for sending this to me in the first place, and thanks to anonymous (VW if this was you why don't you take credit?) for reminding me.

Be warned this picture looks safe, but if you expand it to get a better look, it becomes NSFW.



And for an even closer look, here's a closeup, also NSFW.

Hello Old Friend

Jamie-Lynn Sigler, aka my friend aka Meadow Soprano at the HBO Emmys party.