The Disconnect

Earlier this week Mrs. Poop messaged me while I was at work to voice some displeasure with the difficulty she was having getting Chase to do his homework. The words "hate" and "kill" were in there.
So I decided to call to speak to Chase to try to get him to calm down, do his homework without incident and then resume playing.
That didn't work. And not only did I fail, I got yelled at. Evidently, I wasn't supposed to try to fix this situation, I was just supposed to listen to her complain about it, before she went about fixing it herself.
I wish I had seen this video, I would have been better prepared.

Can't Take a Compliment, Or a Joke

Women's groups are furious over this sign at the MarketFair Mall in New Jersey. The signs says "We apologize for the whistling construction workers, but man you look good. So will we soon, pardon our dust, dirt and other assorted inconveniences."




This offensive sign makes a joke of the horrible street crime of whistling at women. I don't understand it from personal experience but I suppose I can understand how being whistled at can be annoying perhaps even offensive.
But I don't see how making a joke about something upsetting is equally upsetting. Getting whistled at by construction workers is not assault, it's a nuisance. A sign about getting whistled at is none of those.

I Need These Pants

A British clothing company has come up with a very useful trousers (it's a British company) label as far as washing instructions. After going through the normal mumbo-jumbo the label goes on to say "Give It To Your Woman. It's Her Job."



As someone who sends this picture of a guy holding a "Iron My Shirt Bitch" sign at a women's rights rally (believe it's photoshopped) to Mrs. Poop every time my shirts need to be ironed, I can see the humor in this. I'm sure Mrs. Poop can too, but apparently many other women are quite angry about it. Oh well, gives me another chance to use the "oversensitive babies" tag.

I Guess I Wasn't the Only One Smitten With Pippa

Pippa Middleton's ass-hugging white dress caught the attention of the entire world. One British guy may have gone too far. He told his girlfriend Pippa's ass (they call it a bum over there) was better than hers, and bitch went crazy and defaced his car.



"Is Pippa's bum still better than mine?"

Thank god Mrs. Poop is a little more understanding.



Story suggested by Golzilla

Women Fixed This Race

What are the chances of a horse named "My Wife Knows Everything" and a horse named "The Wife Doesn't Know" being in the same race, and finishing 1-2. The fix had to be in, especially when "My Wife Knows Everything" finished in front.

I know the women loved this but I'll take Hoof Hearted any day.

She Needs to Write a Book on Time Management

Elizabeth Berkley is writing a self-help book for teen girls.

After a career filled with roles in which she was forced to go topless and portray a stripper or a hooker she wants to offer self-esteem advice.

The actress will be writing "Ask Elizabeth," a "a self-esteem handbook for teen girls" based on questions she has been asked over the years.

I Think I Ruined Chase's Chances with Sarah

Chase seems to have a little girlfriend at school, Sarah. The first time Mrs. Poop met Sarah's mom she told her Sarah never stops talking about Chase. Since then I think their love affair has grown (especially since the rest of the boys in their class are pussies who constantly cry for their mommies).
I've had to pick Chase up a couple times and I noticed Sarah's mom was checking me out. The first time I thought maybe it was an accident but the second time she was really staring.
I came home and told Mrs. Poop that I thought she was trying to get a glimpse of what Chase would be in 30 years. That was troublesome considering in a pouring rainstorm I was wearing a t-shirt (no jacket), sweatpants and socks with sandals.
But she must have liked what she saw because this week she told Mrs. Poop that Sarah frequently expresses her desire to someday marry Chase.

Helllllllllloooooooooo, Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz

The perfect man is a geek with facial stubble... women's secret turn-ons revealed

Most women claim to be attracted to tall, dark and handsome men, but a new study has revealed that facial stubble and a geeky personality are their biggest secret turn-ons.



Despite complaining that it looks unkempt and feels rough to touch, the unshaven look on a man is actually a turn-on for 41 per cent of women.

A slightly geeky personality came second, proving that women really do like a guy who knows their stuff when it comes to technology.

A hairy chest was voted third, followed by a man who loves to read or cries at a soppy film.

Other secret turn-ons to feature in the top ten include grey hair, glasses and being a passionate supporter of a sports team.

A spokesman for www.onepoll.com, which carried out the research, said: 'Publically, girls will claim they want a muscly guy, who is hair free and manly enough not to show his emotional side.

'But these results prove that they secretly want something different. It seems women really do like a guy who is able to show a softer side, or who is carrying a little bit of extra weight.

'I'm sure it's a relief to men all over the country to find out that women aren't actually looking for that perfect guy.'

Why Girls Suck At Math

A recent study shows why girls are not good at math.

The study of first- and second-graders says female elementary school teachers who are concerned about their own math skills could be passing that along to the little girls they teach

Young students tend to model themselves after adults of the same sex, and having a female teacher who is anxious about math may reinforce the stereotype that boys are better at math than girls, explained Sian L. Beilock, an associate professor in psychology at the University of Chicago.

Beilock and colleagues studied 52 boys and 65 girls who in classes taught by 17 different teachers. Ninety percent of U.S. elementary school teachers are women, as were all of those in this study. But by the end of the year, the more anxious teachers were about their own math skills, the more likely their female students -- but not the boys -- were to agree that "boys are good at math and girls are good at reading."

In addition, the girls who answered that way scored lower on math tests than either the classes' boys or the girls who had not developed a belief in the stereotype, the researchers found.

"It's actually surprising in a way, and not. People have had a hunch that teachers could impact the students in this way, but didn't know how it might do so in gender-specific fashion," Beilock said in a telephone interview.

After seeing the results, the researchers recommended that the math requirements for obtaining an elementary education teaching degree be rethought.

"If the next generation of teachers -- especially elementary school teachers -- is going to teach their students effectively, more care needs to be taken to develop both strong math skills and positive math attitudes in these educators," the researchers wrote.

Teacher math anxiety was measured on a 25-question test about situations that made them anxious, such as reading a cash register receipt or studying for a math test. A separate test checked the math skills of the teachers, who worked in a large Midwestern urban school district.

I trust that no matter who her teachers are Tall Olivia will be able to calculate batting averages with the best of them.

I suggest young girls should model themselves after Danica McKellar.

Born 7 Minutes Apart, Conceived 10 Minutes Apart

"Out of all the people in America and all the people in the world, this had to happen to me."
-Mia Washington lamenting the fact that her twin sons have different daddies.

Washington began notice that her 11-month old twins, Justin and Jordan didn't quite look alike. When she had them tested the results came back showing there was a nearly impossible chance that the boys had the same daddy.

Then Washington thought back to that night when she cheated on her boyfriend, James Harrison, with another man.
Amazingly Harrison chose to stay with Washington and will raise his kid, and the other guy's as his own.

Authorities say the this is so rare that there are only a handful of known cases across the globe.

According to doctors, if a woman has more than one sexual partner while she is ovulating, there's a miniscule chance that different sperm cells can fertilise two separate eggs. It's called heteropaternal superfecundation.

Dr Chris Dreiling, from the Paediatric Association of Dallas, told Fox News: 'Because sperm cells take a while to travel and eggs take a while to travel there can be an overlap.'

The couple is now coping with the aftermath of the DNA bombshell and plan to tell the twins when they're old enough to understand.

'It was the weirdest thing to think that two little babies could have grown in my stomach together and been born seven minutes apart but yet have different fathers.

'Five months ago we found out that I was pregnant again and our new baby is due to arrive in the autumn."

Can't wait to find out who the daddy is.

Baby Detectives

A recent incorrect assumption by Mrs. Tall Skott provides us with a great teaching moment.

Immediately after posting the George Brett Shit Story I texted Tall Skott "read the poop asap."

His comment indicated Mrs. Tall Skott took the urgency of my text to mean Mrs. Poop was pregnant.

I don't blame Mrs. TS for her incorrect assumption. It seems to be a common theme among women -- they always want to be the first one to figure out someone is pregnant.

Mrs. Poop is constantly saying things like "she touched her stomach, women don't call attention to their stomachs unless they're pregnant," "she didn't drink any alcohol," "I think that's a maternity top" or "she farted, pregnant women are gassy."

90% of the time she says this she is wrong, but that other 10% has emboldened her to believe she is the nation's foremost expert at sleuthing out a pregnancy before the pregnant woman is ready to tell the world about it.

And every time a friend tells us she's pregnant before Mrs. Poop predicted it, she always tells me she knew but didn't tell me because she didn't want me to make fun of her.

I said at the beginning that this post would be a teaching moment.

And here's the lesson: girlz is dumb.

If Women Really Wanted Smart and Funny I'd be on the Cover of Magazines Instead of that Humorless Dolt Brad Pitt

A new study has found that ladies adore men who make them laugh.

According to the research, women think that funny men are smarter and more likely to be honest than more dour counterparts.

Women may have evolved to find intelligence an attractive quality because it suggests that a man will be a good provider for her and her children.

The study included 45 heterosexual women who were asked to read shorts descriptions of themselves compiled by 20 men, 10 of which were scored extremely funny and 10 as only slightly funny.

Then women were asked how intelligent and honest they thought that the men were and how likely they would be to go on to develop a friendship or a long-term relationship with them.

The findings show that men who used the funniest descriptions of themselves were thought to be significantly more intelligent than those who weren't as witty.

Funnier men were also seen as a better catch for a long-term relationship, according to the findings.

Did They Forget We Have a Baby?

So I'm sleeping last night at about midnight and all of the sudden Diesel starts going nuts. I try to ignore him but this is not like him. Then the doorbell rings. I'm still 90% sleeping and I ask Mrs. Poop "did someone just ring the doorbell? Is it midnight?"
I answer the door and my neighbor is there asking me to dispose of a mousetrap. Apparently they (she lives alone with 2 teenage daughters, the oldest daughter is the one who actually came to the door) caught a mouse in a glue trap (which is incredibly inhumane to make the mouse suffer like that) and none of them wanted to touch the trap. So I go over there, grab the fuckin thing and toss it in a paper bag, still not sure why they felt it was ok to disturb me.
Then she asks if I'm going to work, I said no, she apologized.
When I came back home Chase and woken up, Mrs. Poop was rocking him.
But it never quite worked, he only slept til about 5.
I can see they saw the light was on and expected me to be awake.
But even so, if you're going to ring the bell and risk waking a sleeping 15-month old you better have a lot better reason than that.

I Have No Regrets, If That Counts for Anything

Back in 2000, when she was just 17, Jessica Biel posed for this racy spread for Gear Magazine.
She was trying to shed her good-girl image (she was on "7th Heaven" at the time) by shedding her clothes.
Now she regrets it.
"That photoshoot was just a really bad decision on my part and I got myself involved with people who weren't thinking about me and were instead thinking about what kind of a story they could get out of it. I learned a whole lot from the experience, so it was definitely a blessing in disguise."
I don't see how she could look at these pictures and have an ounce of regret. Does she really think she'd be as successful as she is today without these pictures? Doesn't she realize most of her fans first saw her when they were jerking off to this spread?

How Dare You Sir!

There are few things in the world more annoying to me than the constant complaining by women when men notice their good looks.
The latest example came when Pakistan's new President, Asif Zardari, made the following incredibly offensive and tasteless comment to Sarah Palin. He told her she was "gorgeous" and said "Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you."
Where does he get the effrontery?
The fact is, women spend hours and millions trying to look their best so people (especially men) will think they look gorgeous. Then when it happens, they bitch about being judged only on their looks.
Now I understand why it's important for Palin (who it should be noted accepted the compliments graciously and is not complaining about them) to be taken seriously, but I refuse to accept that men view women as either good-looking or smart.
I know plenty of women whom I view to be both. I even married one.

They Don't Call Her Mrs. Poop For Nothing

There are few things in the world more boring than baby showers. Wedding showers are bad too, except there's usually one old lady who spices things up by giving the bride-to-be a pair of crotchless panties and a riding crop.
Anyway, baby showers are so boring that women usually have to create a series of inane games just to prevent the guests from saying "here's the gift, now please let me go home."
Reflecting on that, it actually makes some sense. What makes no sense is that men play drinking games, do we really need something to make drinking more fun?
But I digress, the point is Mrs. Poop is the best baby shower-planner ever. Instead of Word Scrambles, she plays "Taste the Poop."
She took 6 chocolate bars, melted them in the microwave, and put them in diapers. The object of the game is to guess what the chocolate bar is. Despite the fact that it's just chocolate, because it's brown and mushy and in a diaper, people get grossed out and refuse to touch or taste the Poop.

Teenage Sluts

A group of 17 girls all ages 16 under are pregnant at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts. Because this is 4 times the school's normal rate of pregnancy one school official suggested the girls entered into a "pact" to get knocked up at the same time. Now there is some doubt about whether there actually was a pact, but there are still several questions that are bothering me.

Who are the fathers? One of them is reportedly a 24-year-old homeless guy. What did these girls do, go into an alley and ask the homeless guy if he wanted to fuck? I'm sure if this is anything like high school, no more than 10 dudes are responsible for these 17 pregnancies.

Where's the justice in this world? With so many older, responsible, married women having such difficulty getting, and staying, pregnant, why do these whores find it so easy? I'm sure if you took a group of 30 year old women who were all trying to get pregnant at the same time, at least a couple would be a few months behind, or not be able to get pregnant at all.

The school is now saying there was no pact and that once the girls found out they were pregnant they banded together and agreed to raise their kids together. What about the girls who were high-fiving when their pregnancy tests came up pregnant?

I spoke about this story to my neighbor who runs the daycare for a local high school. She takes care of the students' kids. She says her program has room for 24 kids, and each year her school has 80 pregnancies. She already has 6 incoming freshman who have applied for the service for September. That's 14 year olds.

What the fuck is this world coming to?

Sex and the City Portrays Women as Sluts, In Other Words, Accurately

The New York Daily News did the math on "Sex and the City" and this is what they found:
During 94 episodes the four sluts slept with 94 men, and one woman.
Samantha fucked 41 men, and the aforementioned woman.
Carrie and Charlotte were tied at 18 and Miranda had 17, 16 more than credulity would allow.
Compared to the average American woman who only fucks 9 guys in her whole life, never mind just a few years, according to Durex condoms, a trusted source of surveys.
But New York women are believed to sleep with twice as many girls as the average slut.
Then the News interviewed some local sluts to get their opinion.
"I stopped counting at 56," says Christine, 35, a locations director from Bayside who lives in SoHo. "There are so many opportunities to meet men here - bars, restaurants, clubs, walking down the street, the deli. Men are everywhere."
Brooklynite Linda, who has been with 13 men, agrees. "I'm married now, but when I was single, I had a blast. Sex was empowering. I once had sex on [the] F train. It was three in the morning and the car was empty. So we were like, 'Why not,'" says the 39-year- old Carroll Gardens artist.
"The women on 'Sex and the City' went through so many guys they devalued sex," says Crystal, 22, an exotic dancer at Rick's Cabaret in midtown. "I've seduced thousands of men, but my actual number of sex partners is one, maybe one and a half. Sex should be special."
There is no way a stripper only banged one dude. What does half mean? She's obviously not counting the ones who paid her for it in the V.I.P.

From Slut to Mormon, Thanks Carrie

A young girl who went from slut to Mormon is blaming her whole ordeal on "Sex and the City."
ABC News has the story of "Lisa" who was a 14-year old living on Long Island when she got hooked on "Sex" which led to her getting hooked on sex, lowercase.
It was that year that she lost her virginity, snuck into bars to order Cosmos and cheated on her boyfriend, with 7 guys, in one week.
"Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that's what I did too," says Lisa.
Lisa remembers re-enacting one particular Samantha scene in her own life: Season 3, episode 39, in which the bachelorette-for-life scrunches her face up at her latest suitor and tells him she doesn't like the way he...tastes.
"That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: 'You have funky spunk.'"
Lisa left her "Samantha" ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon, married a man within the church and gave birth to two children. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch "Sex and the City" for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and cosmos.
"I had to sell my DVDs on eBay," she said.

Stupidest Fuckin Hat Ever

Sex and the City was a horrible show, it's going to be a horrible movie and this hat is a fuckin abomination [corrected]. Sarah Jessica Parker should shoot all her advisers who told her "that hat looks really nice" before she embarrassed herself in public by wearing it.




Sarah Jessica Parker walked into a bar and the bartender said "why the long face?"