Michelle Kwan Rapping

According to lore (and since this lore comes from Josh it might not be 100% accurate), when Bernie walked into the Kliq back in 1998, Josh, keenly noting Bernie's Asian descent offered him a choice: he could be called Kristy Yamaguchi or Michelle Kwan. After a year of being called Michelle Kwan (which I do remember), I didn't see Bernie again until Billy and I ran into him in Penn Station several years later.
At that point Bernie had left Best Damn for ESPN Hollywood (read about it here, point #6) because he thought Mario Lopez was cute, but when that show failed he went back to Best Damn. He hosted the show for a segment when the staff team won the show's fantasy football league.

Now Bernie has appeared on the show again this time with an hilarious NFL Draft inspired rap chock full of great cameos.



Here is Bern's first Best Damn NFL Draft rap from two years ago.

The Poop's Mock Draft

My almost completely uninformed guesses (which will probably be no less accurate than the experts) for the first 10 picks in the NFL Draft.

1. Jake Long - Dolphins (that's a gimme)
2. Glenn Dorsey - Rams
3. Chris Long - Falcons
4. Darren McFadden - Raiders (fits the Raiders image)
5. Vernon Golston - Chiefs (need to replace Jared Allen
6. Ryan Clady - Jets (This pick will get booed but I don't think the Jets will take a QB)
7. Leodis McKelvin - Patriots
8. Matt Ryan - Ravens
9. Sedrick Ellis - Bengals
10. Chris Williams - Saints

Tom Brady Poops

Tom Brady is apparently spending the offseason in California trying to get to know the baby he put in Bridget Moynihan.
In the ongoing effort by gossip magazines and websites to prove that the stars are just like us, Brady was photographed buying recycled toilet paper.
Even the Golden Boy poops. My favorite book was right.

I Would Have Humped Her Leg

Natalie Portman took her dog to a dog run in the West Village and some random dog came over and peed on her leg while she was distracted by her own pooch.
From now on whenever Natalie Portman sees that dog's owner she's going to bring up the time this dog peed on her leg.

Oy, I Can't Find Any Margarine

An interesting article in the Wall Street Journal about the confluence of factors which led to a shortage of Kosher For Passover margarine this year.
This presents a huge problem for people because unlike the goyim, butter can't be used as a substitute in many cases because meat and dairy can't be served at the same meal.

Story suggested by Master Bates

The Choice of the Abercrombie Generation

Three douches in Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts stood behind Barack Obama during his Pennsylvania concession speech.

Jeremy Schaap is a Dick

I actually like E:60, ESPN's newsmagazine show. It's sort of a poor man's Real Sports, less pretentious, but more of the ESPN bullshit we all hate.
But the one thing I like most about it is that each story is introduced during a contrived producers/reporters meeting.
But if the meetings are contrived the dialogue isn't because twice in two episodes Jeremy Schaap has looked like such a dick.
During the discussion of a story about gymnastics coaches who were accused of molesting their students, Jeremy Schaap rightfully tried to point out that there's a difference between accused and convicted.
But Lisa Salters pointed out that as a parent she didn't care, to her just being accused was enough. She repeated the words "as a parent" about 20 times until Schaap snapped "I know what the words 'as a parent' mean Lisa."

Then when Rachel Nichols was pitching a story Schaap tried to interrupt, leading Nichols to say "stop talking for a second."
Schaap fired back "don't tell me to stop talking."

Maybe He'll Cut The Donald's Hair

OJ Simpson has been in touch with the producers of Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice" and is interested in appearing on the show.
"Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious," a source said. "There's a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson."

Yeah, imagine some people might not find it all that funny that a double murderer is cavorting around on TV. But if he tells Omorosa "you think you can steal my shit and sell it?" then I might be in favor of the experiment.

Song of The Week

"Daydreamin" - Lupe Fiasco featuring Jill Scott
A nice smooth beat, excellent use of an excellent sample, good lyrics and the magnificent singing voice of Jill Scott.

The Day the Whammy Died

When I was a kid the best part of being home sick from school was watching "Press Your Luck."
I must not have been sick on those days in June 1984 when the episode featuring Michael Larson aired.
Larson figured out the pattern to the Big Board and absolutely dominated the game.
Here are all 5 parts of the special 2-part episode of "Press Your Luck."
His domination begins 3 minutes into Part 2.
Read the story behind it all here.

Citizens on Patrol

A lawyer in Oregon, Eric Bryant, issued a series of citizen-initiated violations to a cop who parked illegally, right in front of a no parking sign, in order to go to a restaurant and pick up some food.
I'm sort of torn about this. I don't like uptight douchebags, but I don't like abuse of power either.
I don't think cops should be above the law, but I don't think a cop should have to park 3 blocks away, just in case there is an emergency.