Hey Ladies, He's Single

Apparently John Rocker is looking for love on the internet. The former redneck closer for the Atlanta Braves has a profile posted on match.com. There's no way to be certain that this is really him and not an impostor but we'll run with it nonetheless.
BullpenJohn is ready for a committed relationship and he wants kids, "definitely." He hopes to find someone who will is willing to focus on motherhood. He is more mature now than he used to be. He's trying to quit smoking; his interests include museums and art; his best feature is his calves and his turn-ons include erotica. I think that means porn.

Damn Vandals

NCAA INDIVIDUAL CHAMPIONS HONORED
The members of the 1985, 1996 and 2001 Ohio State NCCA Championship teams will be recognized for their contributions to the Ohio State men's gymnastics program at the meet against Penn State.
Daren Lynch won the national championship in Vault in 2001.
Pizza Parlor Derek says this became necessary after their trophies were vandalized.
Unfortunately Daren didn't give enough advance notice so a trip to Columbus for the occassion was not possible. There are still plans to visit Daren and the Waffle House in Columbus for a football game in the fall.

Now It Can Be Told

After several references to it in the past few weeks I think I should explain the incident between Pizza Parlor Derek's mother and me.
Back in 1998 we stopped at PP Derek's house on the way to Wrestlemania in Boston.
When we got there his mom was watching figure skating on TV. Rudy Galindo was skating to a medley of The Village People's greatest hits and mincing around like a nancy boy on the ice. I commented that it was funny that he was doing this because he is gay. Derek's mom said "no, they just showed his wife, he's not gay." I said "I just read an article about him and he's gay and he has a partner and a lot of his friends died of AIDS." She insisted one more time, and so did I.
Over the years the story became a microcosm of everything that's wrong with me (I'm obnoxious, I always have to be right, I insult people and I have no couth). That couth thing came right from Josh.
Years later the truth came out and Derek's mom admitted to having gotten Galindo confused with Paul Wylie. Ever since then I have brought this up during any discussion of homosexuality. And that went on to serve as a microcosm for how I never let jokes die and I like to beat dead horses. But that's another matter. I hope you enjoyed the story.

Billionth Download

Some kid downloaded "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay from iTunes.
He did not know it, but it was the billionth song the site had sold.
So at 12:45 a.m., his phone rang. It was an Apple employee, telling him that in addition to the song, Apple was giving him a 20-inch iMac, 10 iPods and a $10,000 gift card for the iTunes store. It is even establishing a scholarship at the Juilliard School in his name.

Tightass School Censors Student Newspaper

Some Noblesville (Indiana) High School students say they are being censored after the superintendent of Noblesville schools decided that the school paper will not be allowed to run a controversial article on oral sex.
"I think it's well written and in context, I don't think that this subject would offend people," said Jill Gingery, the paper's editor-in-chief.
"It's nothing that we're not going to learn anyway or nothing that we don't know," said student Yury Diaz.

That's a great defense. These sluts are going to blow us anyway, we should let them learn how to do it right.

Weir Going Shopping

Washington Post goes on a shopping spree with Johnny Weir.

Highlights:
He calls the Louis Vuitton store Louie, and he's been there six or seven times in two weeks.
He spend $1330 in two hours on Monday.
He buys children's sizes at Lacoste.
While in Italy he bought: five pairs of shoes, a pair of rabbit fur hand warmers, a Dolce and Gabana sweatshirt (Sex trainer: best to practive seven days a week) and a $715 sable scarf (he got it for $415).
His favorite item of clothing is a Roberto Cavalli beaver-and-python coat.
He loves US Weekly and is reading Nicole Richie's book.
He is "a little Jewish" because in a past life he was a little Jewish girl in Poland during WWII.
He has 103 pairs of sunglasses, 45 by Dior. He polishes them.
His closet is organized by designer then color.

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Thanks to a great draw to the button by skip Pete Fenson in the 10th end, the U.S. Curling team took the bronze medal with an 8-6 victory over Great Britain. A great tournament for them. I hope this serves to bring the great sport of curling to the American sporting public.

Poor Ben Agosto

It has long been my contention that Ben Agosto kept Tanith Belbin has his ice dancing partner even at the risk of his Olympic dream (she was not an American citizen) because he wanted to get in her pants. I felt it was one of those deals where he's in love with her but they're just friends. She complains to him about her boyfriend and it eats him up inside. What a kick in the pants it was when she referred to him as her best friend on national TV. Turns out Tanith has been in a long term relationship with Canadian figure skater Fedor Andreev (the son of one of Belbin and Agosto’s coaches, Marina Zoueva).

J-Mac is Better Than G-Mac

It was the stuff of Hollywood, but it was real.
Senior Jason McElwain had been the manager of the varsity basketball team of Greece Athena High School in Rochester, N.Y.
McElwain, who's autistic, was added to the roster by coach Jim Johnson so he could be given a jersey and get to sit on the bench in the team's last game of the year.
Johnson hoped the situation would even enable him to get McElwain onto the floor a little playing time.
He got the chance, with Greece Athena up by double-digits with four minutes go to.
And, in his first action of the year, McElwain missed his first two shots, but then sank six three-pointers and another shot, for a total of 20 points in three minutes.
"My first shot was an air ball, by a lot, then I missed a lay-up," McElwain recalls. "As the first shot went in, and then the second shot, as soon as that went in, I just started to catch fire."
"I've had a lot of thrills in coaching," Johnson says. "I've coached a lot of wonderful kids. But I've never experienced such a thrill."
The crowd went wild, and his teammates carried the excited McElwain off the court.
"I felt like a celebrity!" he beamed.
McElwain's mother sees it as a milestone for her son.
"This is the first moment Jason has ever succeeded (and could be) proud of himself," reflects Debbie McElwain. "I look at autism as the Berlin Wall, and he cracked it."
His teammates couldn't be happier.
"He's a cool kid," says guard Levar Goff. "You just get to know him, get used to being around him. A couple of weeks ago, he missed practice because he was sick. You feel different when he's not around. He brings humor and life to the team."
Jason's next goal: to graduate.

Hottest American Idol Contestant Ever

Becky O'Donohue has my vote for American Idol. I hope Kate and I get her in the pool. Her and her hot twin sister, Jessie (who couldn't audition due to throat surgery) once posed in Maxim, as models for a baseball story. They've also been on Fear Factor. Usually, prepubescent girls find some dorky guy (justin, clay, constantine) to vote for. Do you think dorky pimply faced boys will spend their time texting in votes for this hottie? Good thing this wasn't too embarrassing for them. But remember when someone takes photos of you for a magazine, they own those pictures, forever. So if Justin every becomes famous those pictures he took for "Hairy Chests" will surely get published.

Olympic Lookalikes

Face of a Choker?

Sasha Cohen (no relation to Brian) skates for Olympic gold tonight. But I have a bad feeling she is going to choke. In her career she has never been able to be at her best when the pressure was at its highest. And I know she is technically in the lead right now but the difference is so miniscule she's going to need to win the long program in order to even finish in the top 2. I bet she screws up and takes home bronze. Some athletes summon their best under pressure, others consistently fail. I hope we don't see Sasha making the Peyton Manning face tonight.

Expensive Air Jordans

Michael Jordan is trying to raise money from Hurricane Katrina victims. He is selling all 21 Air Jordans, autographed with a starting bid of $425,000.
There's also a couple other cool things.

1836 86ed

The idiots at MLS have decided the nickname 1836 for the new Houston franchise (formerly the San Jose Earthquakes) isn't such a great idea after all. Not becausae the name is downright ridiculous, but because the Mexican-Americans were upset. Apparently that year brings to mind some bad memories of war, and the killing of Mexicans at the Alamo.

Larry Doesn't Look Pleased

Don't Fuck With Tiger

The golf match play championship tournament is going on right now. In case you don't understand match play scoring in golf here's how it works. Instead of competing against everyone, you go against one guy, and you only count which guy gets a better score on each hole. Total strokes don't matter, and there are usually a lot of halved holes.
So Tiger is playing some joker named Stephen Ames. Before the match, Ames says: "Anything can happen. Especially where he's hitting the ball."
Bad idea.
Tiger birdied the first 6 holes, he won the first 9 holes, then halved the 10th to clinch the victory at the earliest possible time.
The post match press conference:
He was asked he had seen what Ames said.
"Yes."
Did it motivate him?
"Yes."
Asked if he cared to elaborate, Woods smiled.
"No."
Asked about his reaction to Ames' comments in a press conference, Woods said, "Nine and eight."
Meaning, 9 holes up with 8 to go, eliminating him the fastest way possible, which is exactly what he did.

Is This Real? If so, Are They Real?

This picture has been making its way around the blogs and message boards. An Iowa student posing for a picture with ESPN hottie sideline reporter Erin Andrews. I suppose it could be a photoshop job but it looks pretty damn good to me. Will effort confirmation. And we'll await Justin's comments on its authenticity.




While we're talking about Erin Andrews we should mention her interview with G-Mac before Saturday's game against Louisville. She's sitting on a couch, one leg tucked under leaning towards him. Gerry (clearly terrified that his girlfriend will see this) is sitting as far away as possible. She asks Gerry what's in his iPod and then in her best sorority girl whine says "I want you to sing it." Then she said she loved the Pussycat Dolls and started singing "doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me. doncha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me."
"Ok, so that part I made up but she did ask him which he prefers, The OC or Laguna Beach (he said OC). Then he couldn't think of his favorite episode of Saved By The Bell so she threw out the Jesse pills episode. But they didn't say "there's no time, there's never any time" or "i'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so...scared."

Devastating Loss

Horrible loss for Pete Fenson and the U.S. Curling team. After a great run the team choked under the pressure against Canada in the semifinal. Shawn Rojeski had been the top-ranked third throughout the tournament. He literally missed half his shots in this match. While Canada's third was on fire. The U.S. couldn't get the early lead and spent the rest of the match playing catch-up. The final score (11-5) was not indicative of how close a game it really was. The U.S. went for broke in the 9th end and gave up 5 points. But even had they given up 1, a loss is a loss. Fenson played a great game early, keeping the team in it with some incredible draws. He was like a pitcher who three innings in a row is faced with the bases loaded and none out due to bad defense. But each time he emerged unscathed. But eventually Rojeski wasted a couple rocks and they couldn't mount the offense to come back. Unfortunate also because Rojeski had been so great the whole time and Friday is the second anniversary of his mother's death (he was looking forward to comemorating it with a gold medal. Instead they'll have to pick up the pieces and try to be Great Britain (again) for the bronze. It would be horribly disappointing if they lost again, they played so great against such minimal expectations that I really hope they can come away with a medal.

Another Horrible Knicks Trade

Knicks get Steve Francis from Orlando for Trevor Ariza and Penny Hardaway. Why? I can't envision any circumstance in which Francis will help this team to the playoffs. Or that any team will ever want him from us. This is just horrible. Couldn't we have done something better with the valuable expiring contracts of Antonio Davis and Steve Francis? Marbury, Crawford, Francis, Rose -- shooting guards who don't play defense. This team is going to be horrible forever. Or for at least 5 years after they finally wise up and fire Isiah.

How I Met Your Mother Fever is Contagious, Too

I know Bill Simmons jumped the shark about two years ago but I still read him. In his latest mailbag he discussed take one for the team shows, ie chick shows he could stand to watch with his wife to make up for all the time he spends watching sports.

""How I Met Your Mother" -- Has a chance to supplant "Party of Five" as the Babe Ruth of this list because it's genuinely funny at times, it's always well-structured, and it disguises itself perfectly as "a show for men and women" when it's really a show exclusively for women. For instance, what guy do you know would meet a beautiful girl at a wedding, agree not to make a move on her for the entire night, then stick to that agreement and allow her to walk away? Has this ever happened before? Ever? On the other hand, the TV broadcaster and Ted's new girlfriend rank alongside the Barton/Bilson combo. Outstanding work by this show. We'll see whether they end up neutering the guys like "Friends" did. I remain skeptical."

Btw, its crazy to talk about this show and not even mention the comedic genius that is NPH. But that's the Simmons we're stuck with now. Complain about everything and never say anything positive.

For My Doubters

Everything I said about Donald Trump was true. The text of his letter was accurate. No libel suits necessary.

ESPN's Gift to Pizza Parlor Derek

Tonight ESPN2 at 7:30pm, The Season: Tennessee Basketball.
That hopefully means Bruce Pearl zaniness.
Now I know you are saying "but Paul, that's going to conflict with the last two ends of the U.S. vs. Canada curling match."
To that I say "I'd like to meet the man who invented the DVR and thank him for his service to the betterment of society."

Charge My Waffles

Waffle House, which for more than half a century prided itself on serving the 'poor ol' cash customer,' now is looking to help diners who use credit cards.
By the end of March, Visa and Mastercard will be accepted in all of Waffle House's 713 company-owned restaurants in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina and Texas.
"Cash-only" signs will disappear from the distinctly down-home, blue-collar eateries famous for offering inexpensive eggs, grits and hash browns "smothered and covered" in cheese and onions.
"For the longest, we've been cash based, looking out for the 'poor ol' cash customer,' but customers expressed interest in use of credit cards," said Charnae Knight, spokeswoman for Norcross, Ga.-based Waffle House.
Customers have been able to use credit cards in Waffle House's 300 metro Atlanta restaurants since the end of January and another 800 franchise restaurants likely will follow suit soon, Knight said. In the past, some franchise owners installed ATM machines in their restaurants so customers would have access to cash, she said.
Waffle House restaurants allowed only cash since the opening of the company's first restaurant in 1955 in the Atlanta suburb of Avondale Estates. Knight said the decision to heed customer demand for credit cards will not affect prices and will not change the atmosphere of the restaurants.
"It'll still be the same, we're just taking plastic now," she said.
There are more than 1,500 Waffle Houses spread across 25 states, as far west as Arizona and as far north as Illinois.

Trump Bitchslaps Martha

Martha Stewart claimed her version of The Apprentice failed because there were two Apprentices on at the same time. She said when she agreed to do the show she was told Trump would stop, and her first episode would begin with her firing the Donald. Here is the letter he wrote to Martha about this. The ImClone shot was a low-blow.


Dear Martha:

It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it - and your low ratings bore me out.

Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance - much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records.

Despite this, I did nothing but positively promote you. Your only response to your failed show was that, "I thought that I was supposed to fire Donald Trump!" You knew this was not true - NBC would never fire me when The Apprentice was, for a good period of time, the #1 show on television and my recent finale, where I hired Randal, was the #2 show for the week, easily beating the competing finale of Amazing Race and others. Even Mark Burnett said, "Thank God that didn't happen," when asked about firing Donald Trump.

Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is - that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody - especially NBC.

In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.

Sincerely
Donald J. Trump

P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have!

Want Free Porn?

Become a member of Congress. Larry Flynt sends every issue of Hustler to all 535 Congressmen. Many of them have tried to cancel their subscriptions but Congress has to accept letters from the public.

Pittsnogle vs. McNamara

SU pulled off a big win over West Virginia, 60-58. That should be enough to get them into the tournament. If they beat Georgetown and DePaul and win one game in the Big East they could even get a halfway decent seed. Thanks to the new Big East (and the success of Bucknell and Florida) SU has an incredible strength of schedule rating.
Anyway, Pittsnogle had another good game, hitting some big shots. McNamara of course had another horrible game.
He scored the fewest points among the starters but took the most shots. He was 2-14 and 1-8 from 3. He did however have 9 assists and only 2 turnovers.
Watkins and Roberts had great games and Devendorf continued to provide hot shooting and fire.
The end of the game was very interesting and epitomizes the Gerry McNamara era.
After 50-something team fouls in the game against Louisville, there were only 14.
WVU had committed only 3, so when they needed to start fouling with 6 seconds left, they had to foul four times to get SU to the line. They fould McNamara.
So he's at the line for one and one to seal the game. My dad is on the phone saying he's just like Allan Houston. He never misses, until it really counts. So of course G-Mac missed, but he got the rebound and the crowd went nuts. The white girls screamed and the fans charged the court.
Wonderful.
Except that no one noticed that the best free throw shooter in Big East history missed the front end of a 1 and 1 with 2 seconds to play and a 2 point lead.

Sexy Outfits

You may have noticed the figure skaters slutting up their outfits this year.

I Heart Tanith Belbin

The sexy skater and her partner, Ben Agosto won the silver medal in ice dancing. It was the first U.S. medal in ice dancing since 1976. Thanks to our great President for signing the order in time for her to become a U.S. citizen before the Games.

Google Has Curling Fever

It's contagious. Google loves curling. 13 million Americans checked out the curling website yesterday, more than the entire 2002 Olympics. Tomorrow's U.S. Men's semifinal match against Canada will be shown on tape delay (good for those who don't have TV at work) at 5pm on CNBC. I hope I can avoid the result.

Like Stacy Keibler, but Shorter

Thanks to all the falls, our girl Tanith Belbin and her partner Ben Agosto moved into second in the ice dancing competition headed into the final dance tonight.

Ice Dancing Spills

If you saw the ice dancing competition you saw that five different teams had falls. That never happens in ice dancing, but due to the new scoring system teams are trying more difficult spins and holds to earn points.

Good Riddance

Barry Bonds announced he will retire after this year, whether he passes Hank Aaron or not. He needs to hit 50 to pass Aaron. But he'll definitely pass Ruth. That's a shame. I don't care that he's a jerk to the media. I do care that he took steroids, lied and blamed everyone else for the scrutiny he is under. You cheated Barry. You stole 3rd place on the home run list from your godfather, Willie Mays, by being a dirty cheater. You probably would have been great without the juice, but we'll never know. Don't expect sympathy now that you're body is breaking down. I hope you hit 7 home runs this year and keep your promise.

Like Christmas, Only Fun for Jews Too

Thanks to the new Big East it happens only once (maybe twice) a year. Pittsnogle comes to the Dome tonight, 7pm. Expect full coverage tomorrow.
West Virginia lost a tough one to UConn on Saturday, while Gerry McNamara had his best game since BYU in helping break a 3-game home winning streak with a win over Louisville.

Curling Fever: Catch It!

I'm addicted to curling. I've seen almost every game of both the men's and women's team from the U.S. The women, led by Cassie Johnson, choked and finished 9th. The men skipped by Pete Fenson advanced to the medal round which will be played on Wednesday. The men lost to Canada today (meaningless game) but there will be a rematch with the winner advancing to the gold medal game.
You will definitely get into the game, the atmosphere is great. The crowd is full of people wearing curling stone hats. And the U.S. fans have this catchy cheer:
"Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those sweepers? Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those guys?"

Fat Cat

Fat cat from China. He weighs 33 pounds and has a 31 inch waist. He eats 6 pounds of chicken or pork everyday. He must take huge poops.

Chevy Rahlves

U.S. Alpine skier Daron Rahlves has had a disappointing Olympics so far, but not because he missed his best friend. His Siberian Husky, Chevy, made the trip with him and was credentialed for all areas.
The plastic-sheathed pass reads "Chevy Rahlves/Skiing/Security" and includes a photo of the pooch looking off into the distance, as if deep in thought.
"We thought it would be a little bit of a joke for the dog to have a pass," said USOC spokesman Cecil Bleiker. "That way he's official."
For the record: The dog's tag lets USOC security know he should be allowed into the team's hotel and office areas.