A Man After My Own Heart

If you've ever covered a sporting event (very few of you have) you would know that reporters are furnished with a sheet of quotes from the postgame press conference. So who compiles those quotes? A courtroom style stenographer.
Wisconsin's Nigel Hayes decided to have some fun with her.
In response to the first question he said “Before I answer that question, I would like to say a few words: cattywampus, onomatopoeia and antidisestablishmentarianism. Now, back to your question.”
When asked why he did that Hayes responded “She [the stenographer] does an amazing job of typing words, sometimes if words are not in her dictionary, maybe if I say soliloquy right now, she may have to work a little bit harder to type that word, or quandary, zephyr, xylophone, things like that, that make her job really interesting.”
Apparently Hayes, Frank Kaminsky and Sam Dekker were fascinated with the stenographer and her machine from the previous day.

Funny thing is, none of this would have gotten out, if not for the stenographer.

Story suggested by Billy

The Biggest Oops Ever

The Poop has received thousands of hits over the years from horny people looking at this picture of Norah O'Donnell.



Now Norah O'Donnell committed perhaps the biggest fuckup ever. Immediately when the news broke last night she tweeted about it. Only she screwed up one tiny little letter and wrote "Obama shot and killed."

My New Career Path

Federal agents are seeking to hire Ebonics translators to help interpret wiretapped conversations involving targets of undercover drug investigations.
The Drug Enforcement Administration recently sent memos asking companies that provide translation services to help it find nine translators in the Southeast who are fluent in Ebonics.
Ebonics, which is also known as African American Vernacular English, has been described by the psychologist who coined the term as the combination of English vocabulary with African language structure.
"A lot of times people think you're just dealing with a few slang words, and that you can finesse your way around it," said John Rickford, a Stanford University linguistics professor. "And it's not — it's a big vocabulary. You'll have some significant differences" from English.
"You can maybe get a general idea of what they're saying, but you have to understand that this has to hold up in court," he said. "You need someone to say, 'I know what they mean when they say 'ballin' or 'pinching pennies.'"

Here is my quick Ebonics to English dictionary. I specialize in contractions/truncated words.

Nahmean - Do you know what I mean?
Tryna - Trying to
I'ma - I am going to
Geet? - Did you eat?
Namaste - Nah, I'm going to stay

Paulo's Book Club: "Real Men Don't Say Splendid"

"Real Men Don't Say Splendid: A Lexicon of Unmanliness" is a silly little book that literally takes all of 10 minutes to read cover to cover.
But if you love words the way I do, it's a funny 10 minutes.



Simple premise: it lists 99 words real men should never say under any circumstances and it gives sentences for each one.

A large portion of the words are only used by gay men and gossip magazine writers: Canoodling, Preggers, Galpal, Chic, Elegant, Nuptials and the homosexual standard, Fabulous

There's also quite a few words Mrs. Poop uses on a regular basis which is ok because she's a girl: adorable, comfy, cuddle, snuggle, dilly-dally and scoot.
If Chase and I are laying in bed and she wants to get in she might say "you guys look comfy but can you scoot so I can snuggle and cuddle with you."

The word golly might have been added after the author saw me at a goyisha wedding because the accompanying sentence is: Golly, that's a lot of shrimp for one person.

Seinfeld perfectly captured the essence of this book when saying he didn't want to carry the chocolate babka to the party because standing at the door holding a box by a little string is a "tad dainty." Both those words are in the book.

A few other good examples from the book that I absolutely agree no real man should ever use: fancy, heartthrob, mingle (especially as in "I'm single and ready to mingle"), glamorous and hunk.

But a few of the entries I really don't understand their inclusion:
Boobies: Sometimes you have to talk about tits but you can't call them tits, boobs or boobies is the best alternative here.

Giggle: I don't know a good synonym to describe this type of laughter.

Oops: What else are you supposed to say when you make a mistake?

Shimmy: Only acceptable when quoting Major League 2: "Parkman is doing that little shimmy, it makes the women here in Cleveland wanna puke."

Tasty: Once again a manly movie quote "MMMM, this is a tasty burger."

Panties: There is a manly way to say this "She wasn't wearing any panties dawg."

In place of those I word have added: drafty, duvet, draperies and exquisite

Obama Pulls a Bush

For 8 years liberals blasted President Bush for his constant malaprops and creative use of the English language. Well now the shoe is on the other foot.



Ah the dangers of the teleprompter. The President's staff spelled the word "corpsman", instead of going with the phoenetic spelling "core-man."
I actually remember learning this word when I was much younger. A book I was reading on football said the Redskins had a good receiving corps. I think my dad was the one who told me it was pronounced core, corpse is something else entirely.

In the Pink

Earlier this season Sports Illustrated used pink for the letters on its cover, after the NFL was awash in pink for breast cancer awareness.



A few weeks later when SI readers wrote in about the unique color, the section in the letters page was entitled "In the Pink."

When I told The Concierge about this he said "in the pink" is actual an expression meaning in good health. I think it has an entirely different meaning.

I Before E

British schools are asking teachers not to teach their students "I before E."
That's because there are too many exceptions to that mnemonic device.
And not just "except after C or when sounding like A as in neighbor or weigh."
The old saw "is not worth teaching" because of words like sufficient, veil and their.

Maybe This is Why Special K Beat Me At Scrabble

I am still bitter from a Scrabble game several years ago which I lost to Special K because she used a French word (I forget what she said "Qxrzy" means in French) so I've been studying Scrabble in anticipation of a rematch.
And boy was I shocked to discover the word of the day (yes the real word of the day) that came up on Hasbro's website.



Dildo: an object used as a penis substitute

From Melons to Peanuts

Peanuts can be a very hard word to say on television because if you don't annunciate, it might sound like you are saying something else. I've heard anchors and reporters screw this up several times, but none as sexy as Zain Verjee:



Zain is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in person. I've often said when Neandrathals were drawing pictures on walls in caves, they were drawing Zain Verjee. She's about 5-foot-10 and very curvy, which led to this comment by Kyra Phillips:



And Zain also has a great sense of humor which is why following that incident she appeared next time holding a couple of melons.

Furious George

This New York Post headline was too good to pass up, especially consider the great history the word "furious" has among Poopheads.



The headline refers to the horrible story of Travis, a 200-pound chimp who had lived for years as a pet of a woman in Stamford, Connecticut until it freaked out attacked his owner's friend.
Sandy Herold says Travis attacked her friend, mauling the woman's face and damn near killing her, before she stabbed Travis repeatedly to get him to stop.
Police came and eventually shot and killed Travis.

Travis was well known around Stamford because he rode around in the truck belonging to Herold's towing company.

In 2003, a man threw something in Herold's truck that struck Travis. The chimp unbuckled his seatbelt, opened the door and ran out after the man, but did not catch him.

Travis took his own bath, ate at the table and drank wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth using a Water Pik.

But maybe the one thing about Travis that should have foretold this incident, Travis loved the Yankees.

Aside from appearing in Coca Cola and Old Navy TV commercials, he appeared once on the "Maury Povich Show" and was in a TV pilot.

I Think I Found My Purpose in Life

I've always been a big fan of vocabulary, and now I have a new passion, Bro-cabulary.

Here's a brief description of the book:

"Bro-cab-u-lary (n.): A revolutionary new lexicon for bonding with your bros
Put down your BlackBerry, you PDA-hole, and cancel that masturdate it's time for Brocabulary: a bawdy new dicktionary. This crucial addition to your guybrary will put you in the testosterzone, whether you're being fandiloquent at the game or barticulating during a fargone-versation. Find out how to:
Define your stripping point (the precise number of Jäger shots that make a woman want to get naked with you).
Elect yourself the next Abraham Drinkin' and make an Inebriation Proclamation ("Four whores and seven beers ago . . .").
Stop brocrastinating! It's time to become everyone's guydol by leaving your mark on dudescussions for generations to come."

While all that sounds nice, what really caught my attention was the chapter on wingmen called "Winglish." The book suggests that one of the best wingman you can find is the "cere-bro." The bro who is smart and always keeps his head and can talk to women for you. If this doesn't remind everyone of the time we were in Mexico and I was carrying on 5 different conversations with 5 different girls for 5 different guys (ALL IN SPANISH!) then you're not giving me enough credit. I even had to call a girl's house and speak to her father to find out when she'd be home.

Your bro-cabulary word for the day is cere-bro: the most awesome bro you know.

Spelling Bee Champion Greeted With Congratulations, a Big Sign and Irony

Seventh-grader Michael Smith won the spelling bee at Carmel Middle School in Charlotte.
He then went on to a larger bee involving students from other schools. He finished third.
To congratulate him, the next day when he arrived at school he was greeted by a giant sign congratulating him.
Only problem, his name was spelled wrong. And "congratulations" looked wrong too, but just because the I and O were on top of each other.

Nice Catch

I remember hearing about an old-time football announcer who used to call games on radio before the explosion of TV ownership. Whenever he misidentified the ballcarrier, instead of correcting himself, he would make up a lateral that never happened.
For example, "Campbell throws it to Santana Moss, Moss has it and he's running down the sideline, and he laterals in to Antwaan Randle-El and touchdown!"
And of course the second player, Randle-El in our example, had the ball the whole time.
Tom Hammond just pulled off something not quite as dishonest, but equally as artful. After a good run on first down by Curtis Brinkley, the handoff on second down went to Antwon Bailey, and Tom Hammond said:
"Antown Brink -- uh Bailey, replacing -- Brinkley and Brinkley -- will watch Bailey spin to the 50-yard line."

What Do You Say?

I recently got into a heated argument with my Canadian-speaking mother. She insists pour and poor are pronounced differently.

You Sound Like A Damn Fool When You Say It Wrong

You will hear a lot over the next day (or two if the Mets should win again) about the team's resiliency. Only problem is, resiliency isn't really correct. You'll see it in most dictionaries, but the more correct term is "resilience."
Other words you often hear that don't exist are "laxadaisical" and "irregardless."
The correct words are "lackadaisical" and "regardless" or perhaps "irrespective."

What Do You Say?

What is your favorite insult beginning with the word ass?

It's Gonna Be a Thing

I'm sick of people using the overly played out "I just threw up in my mouth" line whenever something disgusting or unpleasant happens.
From now I will be saying "I just lost my erection" in those circumstances instead.
This new catchphrase was actually derived from something TON said when the man in the rabbit suit was blowing the old guy in "The Shining."
I encourage you all to jump on the bandwagon.

And if that phrase doesn't suit you, I'm also working on something else.
When your DVR is full and programs either need to be watched or erased in order for new programs to record, that predicament is called "DVR-mageddon."

It's gonna be a thing.

Anna Gilligan's Naked Summer Camp

The extremely hot Anna Gilligan revealed a little too much about her experiences at summer camp as a child on "Red Eye". The brilliant Greg Gutfeld took that information and ran with it.

Numbnuts

Sameer Mishra won the 81st Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling guerdon. But Sameer's road to the title was a bumpy one.



Let that be a lesson to you kids, a good sense of humor and a working knowledge of words of French etymology will get you far in life.

Uncle Mick's Influence

Mick Foley used to speak of "testicular fortitude," a more relatable form of intestinal fortitude. Evidently the head of a local steelworkers union in Indiana is a wrestling fan, but doesn't know much about anatomy.
When introducing Hillary Clinton at an event the union leader said the nation needs someone "with testicular fortitude."
Behind him Clinton made a bug-eyed face, then laughed. When it was her turn to speak she said "I do think I have fortitude...women can have it as well as men.”