Day 104

I remember the first time I ever heard of Phineas and Ferb. Chase was very young and we walked into the Disney store and all Phineas & Ferb merchandise was 30% off. I suggested buying him a bunch of discounted items and forcing him to like the show. Mrs. Poop said she heard it wasn't a good show for kids.

Boy was she wrong.

I remember the first time I ever saw Phineas and Ferb. Though we didn't realize it until much later, it was playing on the TV in the waiting room where Chase and the grandparents waited for Julian to be born.

And four years later I was running around Epcot in the Perry the Platypus shirt trying to thwart the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz.

And now, it's over. After the longest summer vacation ever Phineas and Ferb's series finale will air on June 12th.

Of all the shows my kids watched over the years, no show has been smarter, more beneficial, more life-affirming (yes, life-affirming -- we only have a finite amount of time, and even if it seems long -- like a 104 day summer vacation -- we have to make the most of every day) and more fun to watch (for young and old) than Phineas and Ferb.

We have so many family jokes from that show: when I tell them what we have planned for a day I say "hey Ferbs, I know what we're going to do today" and when we attend a small party will call it an "intimate get-together."



And we ask each other, "whatchadooooin?":



That of course is the adorable Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, daughter of Vivian Garcia-Shapiro (who loves the Mexican-Jewish Cultural Festival), whose family is half "ole" and half "oy vey."

On Christmas, we sing Buford's version of "Good King Wenceslas":



"Nobody's asking you nerd!"

So of course when I heard the news that the show was ending I got sad. Not so much that the show is ending, the episodes will live on in perpetuity on our DVR (especially "Roller Coaster the Musical" and the Star Wars special), but more because that chapter in my kids' lives is ending.

And it's unlikely a new show with as much imagination, creativity and humor will ever come our way again.

So I hope we will all heed the main lesson of the show and do everything we can to make today the best day ever. And then try to make tomorrow a million and six times better.

The Orange Will Be Well-Represented at the Texas Bowl

I have often criticized Sean Keeley, author of Troy Nunes is an Absolute Magician (the blog of record for Syracuse University sports) as having gotten too big for his britches. And I still may be correct on that one, but I have to give him credit for an awesome idea of his that really took off.
Keeley posted that since many SU fans would not be able to get to the Texas Bowl in Houston to see the Orange play Minnesota, they should donate some money, and if he could raise $10,000, the money could send roughly 200 kids from local youth organizations to the game to cheer in our stead.
Like I said, the idea really took off, donations are close to $20,000 and Texas Bowl organizers lowered the ticket price to $20 from $50, meaning sending 1,000 kids, giving them SU shirts, and hot dogs and drinks, is now a reasonable goal.
The only problem is finding enough kids.

Adrian Peterson is the Jacksonville Jaguars of Fathers

Adrian Peterson is a hell of a football player. But he's a shitty man. And a worse father.
In case you don't know (Mrs. Poop, Razor, Di10 perhaps), Adrian Peterson is the star running back for the Minnesota Vikings. He's one of the best players in football.
On Thursday his 2-year-old son was severely beaten, allegedly by the mother's new boyfriend. On Friday the child died. On Sunday Adrian Peterson played a football game.
Before during and after the game, writers who wanted to seem nice, praised Peterson for playing through his grief.
Only one problem: Peterson wasn't grieving.
The facts of the matter are likely something like this:
Nearly 3 years ago Peterson fucked a woman he probably never saw before or since.
That encounter led to a baby. It's not clear who, if anyone, knew for certain the baby's paternity. But Adrian Peterson didn't. It wasn't until 3 months ago that he found out the baby was his, that's when the baby's mama finally contacted him (maybe she didn't even know) and told him a paternity test for her boyfriend, the man she was presumably with at the time of her tryst with Peterson, came back negative.
Peterson had three months in which to arrange a visit from Minnesota to South Dakota (neighboring states) to see his child. He didn't. Why? He didn't care.
He didn't even see the baby for the first time until the child was on life support, being kept alive by machines.
That's why he thought nothing about playing in a football game two days after his nominal child died, in a horrible grisly fashion.
Please don't tell me about all the people who played after losing a parent or a sibling, or coaches who coached after grown children were killed. This is a small child, murdered in the most horrific way possible. The least he could have done was honor this child's memory by pretending to care enough about him to take a day off of work.
And I don't want to hear the crap about everyone grieving differently. He wasn't grieving. He has as much emotional connection to this child as you or I.
Any real parent who loves their children can tell you there is no way they would go to work, or play a game, or even leave their bedroom if this happened to their kid.
His callousness towards his own flesh and blood is disgusting enough, I just wish I didn't have to read about how great he is for being that way.

Note: Adrian Peterson has two other kids with two other women. He has a son named Adrian Jr. whom he actually seems to care about.

Ready for the World

Chase turns 6 today. This has been a monumental year for him. He has learned how to read, how to ride a bike (that technically came when he was still 4) and how to swim. He played soccer (and scored a goal) and t-ball. He went to his first (and second) Mets game, and his first Knicks game. He went to kindergarten and in just a couple weeks he'll start first grade.
Every day he goes over to his friend's house to play. He gets himself dressed in the morning, he feeds himself dinner and he wipes his own ass.
He's becoming independent, which is great for him, but he still needs his mommy and daddy, which is great for us.
At the NJ State Fair earlier this year we bought both kids an unlimited ride bracelet and let them just go nuts. At a certain point we split up so Chase could go on some rides that Julian wasn't big enough to ride yet. One of them was a roller coaster that most adults would consider tame, but it was definitely daunting to a 5-year old. Chase was a little nervous but begged to go on it, loved it and rode it again, and again and again.
They had one of those cameras to take your picture on the coaster, but we never buy them because they're never any good. But this one we bought.
If a picture is meant to be a moment in time captured, to help you remember what you were doing, how you felt and who you were in that instant, then this one was certainly worth $10.
There's Chase at the front of the roller coaster, hands up, bravely ready to grab what comes next. There's Chase, eyes closed, a little afraid of what he might see when he gets there.

Millions of Kids Love These, Yours Will Too

1 billion youtube hits for videos like Psy's "Gangnam Style" and Justin Bieber's "Baby" sounds believable, considering those artists have huge promotional machines behind them. But nothing can explain the popularity of these videos, except that kids like to watch the same things over and over, and parents are happy to put their kids in front of the computer for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Here they are, four inexplicably popular youtube videos for kids.

The Gummy Bear Song - 325 million (but there are probably another 325 million views for different languages of this idiotic song)



Twinkle Twinkle Little Star - 234 million (the song is a classic, the video is cool, but not cool enough to explain these hits)



The Lion Sleeps Tonight featuring the Happy Hippo and Stan - 27 million (this one I actually understand, the song is a classic and easy to understand and the dog's dance moves make kids laugh)

Note: the most popular version is not available for embed, but even the backup version has 8 million views.



The Duck Song - 130 million (this is one we love, funny and silly and unique and creative. It even spawned 2 more Duck songs)

This is Why Julian Has to Wait a Few More Years

I started a policy with my children to wait until they are 5 years old before taking them a major sporting event. Mostly because I want the first game to special, I don't want to waste money on a kid who won't enjoy it and I don't want to go to a game with a kid who won't sit still.
Now there's a new reason:



Turns out this kid was part of an on-court promotion set to take place during the timeout. But he got excited and ran on the court too early.

And a brilliant SIIJ reference!

90% of Success is Showing Up

I am against the wussification of America. I disagree with the notion that the only way to raise happy, well-adjusted children is to shield them from every possible negative occurrence until they are 18 years old. I am against the abolition of dodgeball. I am against games where everyone wins and no one loses. And I am against participation trophies. Until Chase played youth soccer.

Soccer, as it's played by the top professional in the English Premier League or Spain's La Liga is called "The Beautiful Game." It is the ultimate team game with 11 men working in unison, passing it to one another with such precision until one man has the tiniest opening to attempt to kick the ball past a goaltender who has cat-like reflexes.

When 5-year-olds play soccer, it bears no resemblance to that at all. The ball is kicked and all 10 (or 12 or 14) plays swarm around it. They kick at it until it squirts free or someone gets hurt (it's not an accident that they say shin guards are a requirement). There is no passing, just a lot of scrums and the occasional run where one player dribbles with everyone else, including his own teammates, trying to get the ball from him.

The first four weeks of the 8-week program were for training. The last four weeks they played games, if you can call them games. Chase was terrible. His skills were about average, again, only one or two kids per team actually know how to play. He was terrible because he was hardly paying attention. He was talking to someone, kicking the dirt, staring at a friend on another field. And when he did get in the game he acted as a personal bodyguard for the kid with the ball, running behind him, doing nothing.

One day when Mrs. Poop was at the game and I was home, she messaged me to tell me Chase was not even paying attention and that soccer for him at this age was a waste of time and money. Seconds later she said "never mind, he scored a goal."

As best as I can reconstruct it, Elliott "passed" him the ball and he booted it right past the goalie. He was thrilled. He told everyone. He was so proud.

And at the end of the season he got this trophy.

I understand everything you are thinking. There are no participation trophies in life. When everybody wins, nobody wins. Participation trophies breed and even celebrate mediocrity. I've said it all myself, and I still believe it.

But maybe we should put an age limit on tough love. At age 5 kids need encouragement. It's too early to separate the winners from the losers because of all the valuable things children can learn from participating in sports. Not just the development (work ethic, teamwork, socialization) but also in this age of obesity kids need exercise.

The trophy has provided Chase with pride. It made him feel like he accomplished something. And most importantly it's part of the reason he is so excited to start soccer again next fall. Plus the soccer ball on it actually spins.

Ballpark Etiquette

A very interesting situation developed in Texas earlier this week. Rangers first baseman Mitch Moreland tossed a ball into the stands. An older gentleman (in his 40s or 50s) catches the ball and gives it to his wife. The young kid seated next to him (3 or 4) started to cry. The couple was indifferent to his wails and kept the ball, even posing for pictures with it.
The kid was very cute and eventually someone from the Rangers dugout did toss him a ball, making his day and bringing a delightful smile to his face. But this doesn’t make the old couple villains. You are under no obligation to give up something you rightfully earned to a crying child. Especially to a crying child. Had they given him the ball just to get him to stop being a brat, they would have been rewarding a negative behavior and sending a bad message to this kid and all youngsters in the audience. Yes, it would have been very nice if they had voluntarily offered him the ball, but it is not a requirement. What if they have kids or grandkids of their own to whom they would give the ball? Maybe they just wanted the ball as a keepsake to their evening. And when this kid grows up and takes his own kid to a game is he going to tell him that he got a ball by crying like a baby until someone pitied him.

Racist Onomatopoeia

Every Friday Mrs. Poop takes Julian to "Storytime" at the local public library, it's basically 20 minutes of singing, a 10-minute story and 15 minutes of destructive free play. On the rare occasion that I am off on a Friday I have taken him. But I hate it for several reasons:
1) The old lady running it has disdain for children. She doesn't like when the children get up and walk around.
2) The songs they sing are ridiculous. "Hot Cross Buns," really? We really need to teach our kids 19th century British imperial songs? Better than slave songs, but still.
3) It's all women, mostly chatty women who want to be nice and friendly and talk to the new guy. But I hate socializing, especially with psycho-mommies.

Against my better judgment a couple Fridays ago while I called in Madness and Mrs. Poop took Chase to the circus, I decided to go to storytime. Mrs. Poop's friend was also going to the circus so I expected her husband to be there as well. Plus, he gets laid a lot so I thought I could score some brownie points with Mrs. Poop. But he faked an illness so I was the only father there.

I lip-synched my way through the songs until we got to "The Wheels on the Bus." First of all they add a verse about daddies saying "shh shh shh." Probably because the mommies never shut the fuck up. Then they sang about the money on the bus. And I swear they were saying "the money on the bus goes chink chink chink." I was shocked. I thought this was maybe a holdover from 200 years ago, like "Hot Cross Buns" and since everyone learned it that way, no one changed it.
I came home and googled it and it turns out there are two alternate versions, clink and ching. Maybe some mommies were singing "clink, clink, clink" and when combined with the other mommies singing "ching, ching, ching" it sounded to me like "chink, chink, chink."

I'm just glad Jeremy Lin wasn't there.

I Don't Want Scoop to Leave Either

A young fan crying because he doesn't want his favorite player Scoop Jardine to graduate



The young fan encapsulates one half of the Syracuse fan base. The half that loves our scrappy point guard and chants his name (they're not booing they're saying Scoop) after a big play.

But there is another group, that thinks Scoop is poop. And not the good kind. Jardine has become one of the most controversial players in Syracuse history.

I think a lot of the hatred for Scoop arose during a tough stretch last season. After an 18-0 start the team lost 4 in a row. Because Scoop played poorly, particularly at the end of those games, he was accused of point-shaving. The Scoop haters believed this and have hated him ever since.

The more fair-minded among us have noticed that Scoop has been on the only 2 Syracuse teams in the last 30 years to get a 1-seed in the tournament. Sherman Douglas, Pearl Washington and certainly not Gerry McNamara were the never point guards on a top-seeded Syracuse team. Scoop Jardine was, twice.

Jardine makes some bad plays, all college players do. But the fact is, in the past three seasons, he has never an assist-to-turnover ratio below 2. Scoop takes some bad shots, they all do. But this season his FG% is up to 48%, and not coincidentally he is taking 2 fewer 3-point attempts per game.

Jardine is a good not great player. He makes bad passes, he takes bad shots, he shoots poorly from the line (49% this year, down from 83% as a freshman) and he doesn't play aggressive defense.

But he has been a major player, the point guard, on the best three-year stretch in school history. He has helped restore SU to national prominence. And he makes little kids cry.

Clever Marketing

They may not have written a good script for “Cars 2” but they certainly knew how to cash in on it. In the theater while watching that scene, Mrs. Poop and I immediately knew that each one of Mater’s clever disguises would be made into a toy car. And sure enough, on a recent trip to the Disney Store Mama Poop and I saw the various Maters on sale, 2 for $10.

We got him Vampire Mater since Mrs. Poop loves “Twilight”



And Taco Truck Mater since I like tacos



We both thought Materhosen was cute, but Mama Poop refuses to buy a German car.

Here's Winking At You Kid

Maybe it's obvious, but I guess you have to learn how to wink. I wink at Julian and his efforts to imitate me are hilarious.

Never Leave Flour Laying Around

Woman gets home from food shopping. Leaves the groceries where her two kids can get them and goes to the bathroom. She claims she was in there for just a few minutes. When she stepped out she saw this, went in the bathroom to avoid killing the little bastards, got the camera and tried to laugh it off.

Rainy Summer Sunday

"The sun did not shine
it was too wet to play
So we sat in the house
All that cold, cold wet day."



Good thing I had Thing 1 and Thing 2 to entertain me.

This Had to Happen

If ever there were two things destined to be brought together by the Universe, they had to be Samuel L. Jackson and "Go the Fuck to Sleep."



Note: audible keeps taking down the videos

Julian is Growing Up -- Fast

Julian is 10 months old today and though he isn't talking yet, he has figured out a way to make himself understood. This is how he tells us he's hungry (wait for the big finish, he's also a little too young to know he needs to begin his performance as soon as the red light goes on):



And he's not walking yet, not even doing a real crawl, but he still manages to get himself around:



As you can see, Julian was crawling towards Diesel's water bowl which likely signals the beginning of the worst phase of child-rearing.



This is when a newly mobile child realizes he can get anywhere and touch anything (at a certain height). This is how the next few months will play out. Julian will crawl (eventually walk) for something, say an electrical outlet. I will grab him, relocate him to a safe zone and he will cry. Or he will get something of Chase's possibly a toy, or maybe a picture or something he can rip/crinkle or destroy. I will take it away from him and he'll cry, and because something of his was just ruined, Chase will cry too. That is what we call going from zero to two crying children in about 4.8 seconds.

Paulo's Book Club: "Go The Fuck To Sleep"

"The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
and the creatures who crawl, run and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep."

This book is for every parent who tried to put a child to sleep. And we're not talking about babies, we're talking about walking, talking toddlers, who stall, delay and concoct excuses.



Every night 10 minutes after going to bed Chase comes down and asks if he can get a car to bring upstairs to sleep with him. We usually allow that. The second time he comes out is usually to ask what show we're watching. Sometimes he does that in reverse order and asks us not to pause the show when he comes down to get his car, so he can see the show. If he's really tired that will be it. But on other nights he'll come out three or four more times until we threaten to lock the door.



Oh yeah, that reminds me, "I'm thirsty" is another good one. This book looks hysterical and it's not just an internet thing. You can actually buy it on Amazon (using the link above) and a hard copy will ship in October.

No More BackYarns for Chase

Toddlers who watch too much TV may struggle in school later, with measurably lower scores in math, and they may get bullied more than other children.
And those children who watch more TV at age 2 weigh more by the time they were 10 and they eat more snacks and soft drinks.
Children who spend more time watching TV and less time playing with other kids may lose valuable chances to learn social skills.
The researchers started with more than 2,000 children taking part in a larger study. Their parents reported how much TV the children watched at 2-1/2 and later at 4-1/2 year old.
They checked with the children's teachers and doctors when the subjects were 10.
Every additional weekly hour of television at 29 months corresponded to a 7 percent drop in classroom attention and a 6 percent drop in math skills, the researchers found.
An hour more TV a week as a toddler meant a child was 10 percent more likely to be bullied, exercised 13 percent less, weighed 5 percent more and ate 10 percent more snacks, they found.



As always with these studies I think they discover a false cause-and-effect. It's not the television watching that leads to these things. Whatever is leading to the high rate of television watching is also leading to the weight gain, the bullying, etc. It's parents who aren't as invovled as they should be.

And I know how tempting it is to just plop the kid in front of the TV all day. Chase will not sit still for 10 seconds, but somehow he can watch Cars for 2 hours without moving. At least with The Backyardigans he gets up and runs around the room during "Racing Day."

Brusha, Brusha, Brusha

I'm all in favor of good dental hygiene but don't parents have any responsibility anymore?
An article in the New York Times says preschools in Massachusetts are now required to have children brush their teeth whenever they eat snacks.
I really can't object to this policy I just don't think its needed if parents live up to their responsibilities.

The Universe Punishes Some Obnoxious High School Kids for Trying to Play a Joke on the Girls' Basketball Coach

A group of high school kids intended to play a prank on girls' basketball coach Joel Branstrom. They told him if he hit a half-court shot blindfolded he would win tickets to the Final Four. Never expecting him to make it they planned to cheer a miss to make him think for a minute he had done the improbably.



Luckily for Branstrom and those obnoxious kids the same Universe that punished them rewarded the coach who through some mysterious benefactor will get his final four tickets.