10% of People Surveyed Are Trolls

You may have heard the report that 10% of college graduates believe Judge Judy serves on the Supreme Court.
There is no way that is true. 10% probably never heard of her, were joking, thought the question was stupid.
And believe me, I am not overestimating the intelligence of the American public, or holding a college in degree in artificially high esteem. I just think these polls and questions are dumb and not taken seriously.

But the real reason I post this story is because Razor is actually a huge fan of Judge Judy's and wishes she did in fact serve on the Supreme Court.

I'm Gonna Be a Hot Commodity at the Pool This Summer

According to the internet, something called "dad bod" is the newest trend this season. If true, Mrs. Poop is going to have to spend her summer fighting off the lifeguards from trying to take her man.

"What do Simon Cowell, Jason Segel and Leonardo DiCaprio all have in common (apart from global fame and fortune)? They all boast a 'Dad Bod'.
A what-bod, you cry? Well, allow us to explain: the Dad Bod is the latest trend for the male physique.
Where once women craved six-packs that could grate cheese and biceps the size of tree trunks, now a cuddly torso and gentle paunch is all that's required, according to a blog post written by US student Mackenzie Pearson that has since gone viral.
In her post, Mackenzie describes the Dad Bod as "a nice balance between a beer gut and working out". She continues: "The dad bod says, 'I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time.' It's not an overweight guy, but it isn't one with washboard abs, either."
Mackenzie argues that the physique is a hit with women because it is non-threatening, comfortable to cuddle up to and honest in the sense that it probably won't undergo any drastic transformation within the next 20 years (note: you don't have to be a father to have a Dad Bod; in fact it is perfectly acceptable to have one when you're still in your twenties). "While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive," she states.
The concept was an immediate hit with nicely squishy men everywhere, who took to Instagram without delay to show off their less-than-toned torsos and chunky arms. The account "Collegedadbods" has been quietly gaining momentum since the beginning of this year and has now become a fully-fledged homage to regular guys in all their glory."

What Does the Focks Say?

I'm sure you've heard by now of this ridiculous pop sensation "What Does the Fox Say?"



It wasn't even meant to be a song. A Norwegian comedy duo did it on their show, and somehow, inexplicably, it spread around the world like a virus.

I do have to admit that I find the song catchy, though the video and the animal costumes really freak me out. But it has definitely jumped the shark.

Abercrombie and Fitch made its own video of the song and then came out with this t-shirt which is like a trifecta of cultural doucheyness.

If this song has gotten on my nerves you can only imagine what is has done to someone who shares a name with the song's title character.

I interviewed Focks for this post and he said people have said to him "what does the fox say?" so many times that it's affected his brain and made him likely to murder the next person who mentions that song to him.

Leave Vabilla Ice Alone

6 years ago Billie, aka Vabilla Ice, performed his last hurrah at his own wedding, famously performing to "Ice Ice Baby" and doing two splits in one dance.
Shortly thereafter, I posted the video on youtube under the heading "Vabilla Ice Gets Married."



Today, I got a copyright claim since the video contains the music in the background.

Obviously the record companies do have a claim against me because my video does contain a portion of the work that they own the distribution rights to. But one of the considerations is whether the potentially offending usage impinges the copyright owner's ability to make money off the original work. So ask yourself, would anyone not buy the "Ice Ice Baby" because of the 90 seconds of poor quality audio that can be heard on my video? Seeing as how only 700 people have viewed in 6 years, of course that can be it.

The real threat, is that Vabilla Ice is such a good dancer, Rob Van Winkle is obviously threatened.

Thankfully they are allowing my video to stay on youtube, but may place ads next to it.

One-Point-Nine Million Dollars to See Bea Arthur Naked

An anonymous buyer paid $1.9M for this painting of Bea Arthur. Dorothy Zbornak did not pose for this nude, the image comes solely from the mind of artist John Currin who painted it in 1991.



Click here to see the NOT SAFE FOR WORK version of Bea Arthur Nude

Now They've Gone Too Far

I have noticed for some time that grocery store receipts keep getting longer and longer. There are more promotional messages, and details about discounts than ever before.
But never I had I received a receipt as long as the one from the day Mrs. Poop and I did our Passover shopping at Shop Rite. We spent so much money we qualified for 3 free 5-lb packages of Matzo. So that took up some space on the receipt, but this is ridiculous.



We actually measured it, 43 inches. 43 inches! For what is essentially a list of groceries. There has to be a better way to notify shoppers about what they saved without killing 50 trees.

My List Of The Two Stupidest Things Ever

Lists are stupid. People are stupid. Buzzfeed everyday comes out with a new list of the 23 most annoying Buzzfeed lists. Forbes Magazine's lists of team values and people's net worths are so inaccurate they are not even worth reporting on. Men's Health, Cosmo, every magazine out there has a new list every single month. I hate lists. But two recent lists have pissed me off more than anything else.
First, Gwenthy Paltrow named The World's Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine.



That I understand, sort of. Gwyneth is attractive, though not even close to the Most Beautiful in the world. But People is a women's magazine, and women like stars who are pretty in a non-threatening way. Even though most women thought the selection of Gwyneth was a fraud based on her publicist taking the editors of People Magazine out to a fancy dinner or something.

If that's the case, Miley Cyrus's publicists must have sent a team of smoking hot asian hookers to the Maxim offices. How did someone who is not even remotely attractive make the top 100 list, ahead of Kate Upton, Olivia Munn, Olivia Wilde, Nina Agdal, Sofia Vergara, Stacy Kiebler, Brooklyn Decker and Emilia Clarke aka Mother of Dragons?

I can only guess they were trying to appeal to horny 15 year olds as the rest of the top 10 included 3 more girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale and Selena Gomez) who got their starts on the Disney Channel.







You may say I chose ugly pictures on purpose, but that one is the one Maxim is using. What a joke. I canceled my Maxim subscription after their cover girls were Laura Prepon and Avril Lavigne. Those two look like hotties compared to this diseased skank.

Rectum? Damn Near Killed Him

A University of Tennessee student was dropped off at the local medical center with a blood alcohol content of above 0.40. The legal limit in most states is 0.1. And 0.4 death can occur.
You wouldn’t think someone could drink enough to become that intoxicated, you’d throw up or pass out first. Turns out he didn’t drink that much. The zany brothers in the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity were giving each other alcohol enemas, also known as butt-chugging. Police found this out after “extensive questioning” of the brothers.
Here’s how it works: you put a rubber tube in your ass; then pour the alcohol into the tube with a funnel. Why would you want to consume alcohol through your ass? There are a lot of capillaries and blood vessels in the rectum, therefore the alcohol gets into your blood stream faster and it skips the filtering by the liver.
It actually seems pretty ingenious when you think about it, except for the part about nearly dying.

A Video Game for Mrs. Poop

Mrs. Poop's favorite 1980s sitcom is Perfect Strangers. She loves the hilarious antics of Balky Bartokomous and his Cousin Larry. Her favorite episode revolves around Balky making his famous dessert, bippi bopkas. It's dumb for sure, but not as dumb as this new video game where she can be Balky and make all his dreams come true.

CNN's Head is Up Uranus

CNN says the blackberry outage is "impacting users on almost every planet."



Not on Uranus!

Music to Pluck To

The laws of kashrut (keeping kosher) require animals to be treated humanely. So when the goyim dump their freshly killed chickens into boiling hot water, Jews don't do that because the animal can still feel it. The downside is, kosher chickens have many more feathers than non-kosher chickens. Because the scalding hot water helps the automatic pickers remove the feathers much easier.

The point of all this is, it's quite a painstaking process to clean a kosher chicken for cooking and eating. This is especially true of chicken wings. It's a near impossibility to get all the feathers off, but each time I typically spend half an hour plucking feathers and singing to myself.

Which is a better song to sing while plucking chicken wings?

"Pretty Wings" - Maxwell



"Take These Broken Wings" - Mr. Mister

Does He Know Anne Frank Was Hiding From Nazis Not Paparazzi?

When Tiki Barber was cheating on his beautiful Asian wife with his beautiful blonde, much younger girlfriend while the aforementioned wife was pregnant, sometimes the paparazzi got to be too much.
So Barber hid out in the attic of his agent to get away.
And since his agent is Jewish Barber said "it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing."



This could hurt Barber's NFL comeback. If I were a Jewish owner I would tell Barber to go fuck himself before I signed him.

Unions Gone Wild

It seems like every day you read in the paper another story showing how unions are ruining America. Either outrageous pay, lavish pensions or outright pig-headedness involving memebers it is growing increasingly clear labor unions have outlived their usefulness in America as ways to police employer abuse.
But no union is more drunk on power than the Major League Baseball Players' Association.

I can honestly see the union putting up a fight about the Mets trying to void K-Rod's cotnract. That somewhat makes sense, because it has to protect other members. But the MLBPA insisting K-Rod should be paid for the rest of this season is ludicrous.

The player was injured in the commission of a crime. During that criminal act he suffered an injury preventing him from fulfilling his duties as set forth in his contract. And yet he still deserves to be paid?

I can't see how they can possibly defend this unless they make him retract his confession that the injury was suffered during the fight.

Could you imagine if he had robbed a liquor store and gotten shot in the leg and been unable to pitch? Would that disqualify him from receiving the money he was entitled?

Note: Do people rob liquor stores anymore? Is it still called "knocking over" a liquor store?

Note: Paying big contracts to closers is foolish. More foolish than paying big contracts to other players. Closers' success is to fickle. The guy has been pretty good over two years for the Mets, but unless he's Gagne-esque there's no reason to pay him $12-$13 million a year.

Bring Back Greenies

Carlos Beltran made his season debut for the Mets last night. He singled in the 4th inning and was immediately caught stealing.

"I was trying to pick up the catcher's sign," Beltran said. "I saw two fingers and I just felt that I was going to be able to make it. I guess when you drink too many coffees and too much sugar before the game, it makes you do crazy things."

Stupidest Poll Ever

Maybe She Is As Dumb As They Say

I may have to stop defending Sarah Palin soon. Ever since she became an overnight sensation she has been the target of such hatred and vicious rumors that I felt it necessary to remain objective about her.
I thought she had just been advised not to answer direct questions directly, advice she took too literally. I mean, no one can be that dumb that they can’t even name a newspaper even if it’s one they don’t read. And yes, she was set up with trick questions by the liberal media, all of which she handled poorly.
Once again, she can be dumb, but not that dumb. As the keynote speaker at a tea party event this weekend she had notes written on her hand. Now it’s not dumb to have notes during a speech (the President doesn’t even talk to 6th graders without a teleprompter), what’s stupid is writing them on your hand like a kid cheating on an algebra exam.
But I still think she’s going to be our next President.

No Underscores Anywhere

Here's another story about protecting yourself online so I once again refer to the Poop's resident paranoid internet user, Mrs. Poop's mom.
She assigned Poppy an e-mail address full of underscores to ward off spam. It also wards off friends who can never remember the damn underscores.
But she deftly uses underscores in her passwords as well, something maybe most of us should try.

According to a new study, too many people have passwords that are way too obvious for hackers to figure out. About 20% of us use one of the 5,000 most common passwords. 5,000 may seem like a lot, but for a computer program running them repeatedly, it doesn't take long to try 5,000 possibilities.

The most popular passwords are 123456, 12345 and 123456789. In 4th place the incredibly idiotic: password.

What Really Happened

According to the Washington Post this is what really happened in the Gilbert Arenas gun incident:

"The dispute between Arenas and Crittenton began on the team plane during a popular card game between players called "Boo-ray." Crittenton lost roughly $1,100 to JaVale McGee, a Wizards center, in the game, according to a player who watched the game and who also spoke on condition of anonymity. Crittenton, already angry over a dispute over the game's rules, became irate when Arenas began needling him.

Their barbs escalated to a point where Arenas, smiling, said he would blow up Crittenton's car, according to two players on the flight, who requested anonymity. Crittenton replied that he would shoot Arenas in his surgically repaired knee.

Walking into the locker room two days after the dispute on the team plane, according to two witnesses, Arenas laid out the guns in Crittenton's locker. Two other teammates eventually sauntered in and, while Arenas was writing the note in front of Crittenton's cubicle, in walked Crittenton, according to their account.

Asking Arenas what he was doing, Arenas replied, "If you want to shoot me, I'd just thought I'd make it easy for you." As other teammates laughed, Crittenton crumpled up the paper, tossed one of Arenas's guns across the room, where it bounced in front of a team trainer, and said he didn't need any of Arenas's firearms because he had his own, according to the witness accounts.

Crittenton then drew his weapon, loaded it and chambered a round, the witnesses said.

Neither witness said the gun was ever pointed at Arenas, but both said Crittenton began singing as he held the gun.

Arenas began laughing, the witnesses said, telling Crittenton, "Look at that little shiny gun," as two other players slowly retreated to the training room.

Arenas eventually followed. By the time the players came back out, Crittenton was gone."

If this version is accurate it doesn't seem that bad for Arenas, and it's really bad for Crittenton. It's actually kind of noble that Arenas lied about it to protect Crittenton.

Either way, both guys are incredibly stupid for bringing guns (even licensed, unloaded ones if that's the case) to the workplace. And then joking with them and leaving them out. Incredibly stupid. But if this version is accurate Crittenton should be out of the league forever. You can not load a gun and threaten someone with it. As his employer, the Wizards cannot allow that.

As for Arenas, I think he may done in the NBA for his career. I think the Wizards could definitely seek to void his contract and legally I'd have a hard time seeing how a judge could say the Wizards wouldn't be within their rights to do so.

But Arenas's coup de grace of stupidity, which finally forced David Stern to suspend him is two weeks after the incident he pantomimed shooting his teammates with finger pistols in a pregame huddle.



Just for the record I think this ranks second in terms of worst, most serious behavior by an NBA player in a league facility in a recent memory. I would put this just above Sprewell choking PJ Carlesimo and right below Ron Artest attacking the fans.

I Just Jlearyed/TallSkotted an Old Lady

I was standing in line in the bakery with the rest of the Jews preparing to make my Shabbos order: two challot and two large black and white cookies. But I noticed they only had small ones. While I was contemplating their relative circumfrences to determine whether I should order 8 or 10 the old lady in front of me ordered 8, making my decision obvious.

I ordered 9.

And I had the audacity to type this post while standing next to her. Oooh the effrontery!

The Worst Coaching of All-Time

A few years ago LSU coach Les Miles (heretofore known as Fewer Miles, since Les Miles is gramatically incorrect) was the darling of the college football world. During an incredible run to the national title Miles made some inceredibly gutsy 4th down calls and seemingly made them all.
His onions became legendary and even got their own nickname, Les-ticles.

But this weekend against Ole Miss Fewer put his balls before his brains and cost his team the game.

We'll start at the end when with a minute and 16 seconds left LSU scored a touchdown to cut Ole Miss's lead to 25-23. They went for two to tie (Miles knew that much) but a fade route into the corner was unsuccessful. But there was a pass interference penalty giving them another chance, this time from the 1. But instead of running it, they tried the same play again, and missed again.

That meant LSU had to try for an onside kick, another decision Miles, thankfully, didn't screw it up. Unfortunately it would be the last thing he did right.

LSU moved the ball to the 32 yard on a long pass and that's when things went wrong. LSU tried to pass 3 times instead of running to set up a manageable field goal. First down incomplete, second down, sack for a loss of 9 followed by an LSU timeout.

"We talked about runs," Miles said. "I felt like the quarterback could manage the situation. That was my mistake."



On third down it was a 7 yard loss and with 26 seconds left the clock was running, but LSU didn't use its last timeout until there were 9 seconds left.

"The clock ran down, timeouts were being called verbally and I didn't relate that to the official apparently and that was the mistake," Miles said.

On 4th and 26 from the 42 LSU threw a Hail Mary which was answered, caught at the 6 -- with one second left.



But LSU didn't have the field goal team ready like they should have been so they tried to spike the ball to stop the clock, but there was only one second, why not run a play and at least try to get a penalty or a throw into the endzone.

The team was going for the end zone on the last pass play, Miles said, and when Jefferson found Toliver in traffic at the 6 with a second left, the team was unprepared. Rather than run the field goal unit on field while there appeared to be confusion with the chain gang, Jordan tried to get the team lined up to spike the ball but never got the play off.

I really think Miles should be fired for this. Even Herm Edwards never mismanaged a game this badly and this obviously. Totally unforgiveable and it should cost him his job.