3000 Words

Pablo Sandoval shows up for spring training in shape for the new season.

German short-haired pointer, CJ, wins best in show at Westminster

"These virtual reality headsets are so realistic. It feels as if Mark Zuckerberg is actually standing right next to me."

Not Judging But...

I don't know what Modigliani was into, but it looks like this chick has an Adam's apple.

This painting, called "Paulette Jourdain", sold for $42.8m at auction.

A Thin Line Between Genius and Insanity

At work a woman was eating a huge apple. Perhaps the biggest apple I've ever seen.
I said to her "it's a good thing that apple didn't fall on Isaac Newton's head. He wouldn't have been inspired to discover gravity. He would have gotten a concussion and probably died."

After laughing, another co-worker who overheard remarked on what a strange comment it was to make. He said it was funny but seem gobsmacked that my mind worked in such a way that something like that would come out based only on the stimulus of seeing a large apple.
Please vote whether the comment was funny or douchey, but also let me know in the comments if you think that comment is more indicative of genius, or of insanity.

The Curse Claims Another Victim

Just a few days after Misao Okawa died, Gertrude Weaver of Arkansas was named the world's oldest person.
Five days later, she died.

The world's oldest person curse claims another victim. Every time someone receives the title they die soon after.

Jeralean Talley, watch your back.

World's Oldest Person Curse

This is Misao Okawa. She is about to fall victim to a curse worse than the Sports Illustrated cover jinx.

At 117 she is now the world's oldest person. That's because the previous world's oldest person died. Same thing happened to the one before that, and the one before that and you get the picture. Being named the world's oldest person is a curse. They're dropping like flies, usually within a short period after getting the title, they pass it on the next poor schlub who should being writing a will.

Here are some facts about her:
She was born in 1898
She has 3 kids, 4 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren
Her son is in his 90s
She has been a widow for nearly 84 years

Built In Excuse

The Patriots and Bill Belichick made a huge mistake in trying to shield responsibility and feigning ignorance about the current deflated balls scandal. All they should have said was the balls were inflated to the proper PSI and then Vince Wilfork tripped and fell on them.

News Flash: I'm Immature Too

The winner of this year Golden Globes golden globes award is Jennifer Lopez.

This actually created controversy this year because her co-presenter Jeremy Renner made a joke about her having the globes.

Apparently people on twitter didn't like this. It is sexist to notice women's breasts even when they are practically falling out of their dress.

But I guess I am not the only one with such a refined sense of humor. Welcome aboard Mr. Renner.

Mrs. Poop is So Immature

Mrs. Poop asked me to take this picture of her in front of Animal Kingdom at Disney World.

Funny or Douchey?

This has the potential to be the most controversial Funny or Douchey ever. I know many of you will vote douchey without giving it a second thought. But I know at least a couple of you will find this to be quite clever and humorous.

Funny or Douchey?

An Australian colleague had a birthday and on the card I wrote "Happy Birthday! I hope you have a G'day."

Good Guesses

I told Mrs. Poop that LeBron's new running mate was named Kevin and his last name is a verb that I do to her. She guessed "Kevin Hump" and "Kevin Annoy" before giving up.

I Just Booked a Two-Week Trip to Hawaii for Any Woman Named Halle Berry

From the Toronto Star:
If you’re a Canadian citizen with a passport and an itch to explore the world, you may be eligible for a free trip around the world. Just one condition: your legal name has to be Elizabeth Gallagher.

Jordan Axani, a 28-year-old real estate development manager with some spare plane tickets, is willing to fund your airfare for a two-week trip around the world, provided that you’re willing to leave a few days before Christmas.

The Cabbagetown resident posted a notice on Reddit looking for a travel companion late Sunday night. He writes that the offer resulted from a break-up with his girlfriend with whom he had been planning to take the trip since March.

His search for another woman who has the same name as his ex began when he discovered what a hassle it can be to make changes to plane tickets.

“Anyone familiar with the archaic system that is modern air travel will know that a name change on a ticket is damn near impossible,” he writes on Reddit. “Moreover, the flights were purchased during a massive blow-up on Priceline and were frankly so cheap and on so many different airlines that they’re not worth the headache or money to cancel.”

I Wrote This Post on August 17, 2012

Today is Yu Darvish's birthday. I wish I were at his party to sing to him:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Yu,
Happy birthday to you.

Looks Like I'm Going to Have to Take a Paternity Test

Halle Berry is pregnant again. The father is not me (we use protection), it's her French boyfriend Olivier Martinez. He's the guy who beat up her previous French boyfriend in a Thanksgiving brawl. This time Halle is having a boy. Her daughter, Nahla (Swahilil for "my mom is hot") is 5. Halle is 46.

Waste of Money

President Obama is proposing $50 billion in new infrastructure spending, according to the New York Times "$40 billion of that amount would be directed to work on the highways, bridges, transit systems..."
But he seems to be forgetting something:



"Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."
They were going to 2015. Only two years form now we won't even need roads. So why waste $40 billion fixing them? Unless you are telling me Doc Brown was wrong.

They Read Mrs. Poop's Letter On Air

It is normal to tell immature jokes. It takes the edge off the intellect. Thank you Dr. Ablow. Here's the link since embedding doesn't seem to be working: http://video.foxnews.com/v/1875190013001/

It's Becoming a Thing

I have been known on Facebook to punctuate particularly fun days with a status update reading "I didn't even have to use my AK," one of the final lines from Ice Cube's classic "It was a Good Day."
Turns out I am not the only one to use this song to express a particular feeling or emotion. Superhot SI Swimsuit model Ariel Meredith did it on twitter. And responded to me reply:

Ready for the First Day of Kindergarten

But Mrs. Poop is going to have to get her own.

Happy Birthday Kate

Happy Birthday to my beloved Kate.

My beautiful gorgeous Kate.

The one woman in this crazy world who was made specifically for me.

Every year on June 10th, I'm reminded just how lucky I am to have her in my life.

The End of the Madness

March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb. And when it goes it leaves behind two of the best two weeks of the year. But time marches on and when April comes we are left with just two teams.
And this year, unlike last when a slew of upsets led to one of the worst title games in years, the title game features two very good teams, and tons of good players.
Though we expect Kentucky to win, Kansas at least has a puncher's chance.
The same is true on the women's side where a juggernaut Baylor, led by an unattractive star (Brittney Griner) faces off against a good team, that is still a big underdog, Notre Dame, led by the lovely Skylar Diggins.
Which led me concoct this very clever yet very poorly done photoshop essay. Please judge it only on the humor, not on the workmanship.



The Poop is proud to announce over the weekend we got roughly 4,000 hits all from people who want to fuck Skylar Diggins or pluck Anthony Davis.