No, The Other John Roberts

The Universe must have misunderstood me when I was rooting for bad things to happen to John Robetrs.
And unfortunately the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court got caught in the crossfire.
When reading the oath to Barack Obama you may have noticed Obama stumble over the words. Most people thought this was Obama's fault and immediately questioned how The Infallible One could have a made a mistake for the first time in his life.
But it was later revealed that Roberts screwed it up and Obama paused because of course, he knew what Roberts had said was incorrect.
The Constitution says the president must solemnly swear "that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States." But on Tuesday, Obama said, "I will execute the office of president of the United States faithfully."
So, to avoid any possible challenges to his Presidency because of an improperly administered oath, they did it again.
In the White House, with a few aides and reporters looking on, Obama took the oath again, and Roberts did it right this time.
I hope from now on my evil wishes will be visited upon the correct John Roberts.

I Must Be a Real Piece of Shit

I recently saw an episode of "Poker After Dark" where Clonie Gowen sucked out on Phil Laak, catching an ace on the river to beat his pocket sixes.
She said it's hard to beat the karma points she's accrued by being such a good person.
Phil Hellmuth threw his two cents in, "I feel like I'm a great person. Karma comes my way too. I'm a great person."
And Phil Laak defended himself "you don't think my life is good in spite of losing that hand?"
Mike Matusow sat quietly (a rarity for him) and listened, as the other three debated who among them is the better person and most deserving of the luck they get in poker.
Then, when Matusow could stand no more, he stated simply "then I must be a real piece of shit."

That's how I feel as a Mets fan this morning. Watching the Philadelphia Phillies win the World Series and seeing their fans celebrating in the streets, makes me sick to my stomach.
The fact that karma and the baseball Gods saw fit to reward this disgusting group of scoundrels, misanthropes and cretins before us, has to make all Mets fans reconsider how we behave.
Philadelphia fans boo Santa Claus, cheer injuries, pour beer on little kids and even threw mustard on the granddaughter of Rays manager Joe Maddon.
Yet, they're celebrating a World Series Championship this morning, and Mets fans are once again wallowing in disappointment.

The Worst Kind of Fan in the World

As a true sports fan who lives and dies with his teams (mostly dies), I've always felt my karmic retribution will come when one of my teams finally wins.
Because of all the suffering I've gone through I know I'll appreciate a victory much more than the casual fan who never watches the games and doesn't know the players.
Or the johnny-come-lately who changes his teams when he changes his address -- or underwear.
And that's why I never let those fairweather fans bother me too much.
But there is one type of fan I just cannot tolerate. The annoying woman in your office who happens to be from the same city as a good team.
She thinks this makes her an authority on the team even though she doesn't know the name of the single player except the one who she thinks has a nice ass or whose dick her girlfriend sucked.
And even worse, usually the day after claiming to be "such a huge fan" this bitch didn't watch and doesn't even know the score of the previous night's game.
The stupid bitch from the same city as a good team is the worst kind of fan in the world.

It May Take 13 Years, But Karma Will Get You Eventually

I don't know why it took 13 years but O.J. Simpson is finally going to jail, pending several appeals.
It just doesn't seem right that he's spent the last 13 years looking for the real killers on every golf course from Florida to California.
But this time I think karma finally caught up with his ass.
How do I know?
This guilty verdict came 13 years to the day after his acquittal for killing Nicole and Ron Goldman.
You can't dupe the universe with a hat and gloves routine.

Incompetence

Mrs. Poop went to Shop-Rite yesterday afternoon to pick up some items for dinner (tilapia with panko, delicious) and in the bakery aisle she got sucked in by St. Patrick's Day themed Popems.
Mrs. Poop loves St. Patrick's Day but not because she's Irish, she loves it because St. Patrick hated snakes, and Mrs. Poop hates snakes. I mean really hates snakes. When I put my rubber snake in her bag as a practical joke and she pulled it out when looking for her stethoscope, she screamed in horror and threw my rubber snake in the trash. I don't think this was right on her part because the rubber snake was my property, and even though I did use it to play a joke on her, I didn't give it to her, and I never foresaw that she would discard my prized possession. But that's not the point.
The point is, to thank St. Patrick for ridding Ireland of snakes, she decided to buy a box of Popems for $4.19.
Unfortunately, when she got to check-out, she picked the line with the incompetent cashier.
Grocery store checkout clerks are not known for their skill and dexterity but this one was a clerk in training and she completely fucked up Mrs. Poop's order.
She rang up the one box of Popems, one, two, three, four, FIVE times.
How can you not see on the little screen that the same item keeps ringing up?
Anyway, she needed help removing the extra items from the bill, yet somehow they deleted it all five times meaning we got the Popems for free.
Normally I think your karma would be negatively affected if you take something for free that you should have rightfully paid for.
But in this case Mrs. Poop really didn't know what exactly they were doing and she was trying to load her groceries into her cart and get the hell out of there.
Plus I think she deserves positive karma points for not jumping over the conveyor belt and knifing the bitch.

A portion of the offending grocery store receipt is below. I have no idea why there is a giant white space in the middle but you can see clearly that she was charged for five boxes of Popems and then credited back for all five boxes.



Looking at this receipt again it appears we were also charged for only one hard roll, but Mrs. Poop actually bought two.

Why I No Longer Believe in Karma

A man listed as one of the state's most dangerous sex offenders won $10 million in the Massachusetts lottery.
In January, Daniel Snay paid $20 for a "Billion Dollar Blockbuster" scratch ticket at a suburban convenience store and hit the jackpot.
He picked up the first of 20 annual checks for $500,000 on Jan. 30.
Snay, 56, was convicted several times of indecent assault and battery from 1974 to 1987. Two of the assaults were on a child under the age of 14.
But karma may catch up with his ass and get even.
Snay used to live in Connecticut and because he's a registered sex offender he was required to confirm his address with the state every 90 days.
But he hasn't done so with Connecticut since 2004 because he moved to Massachusetts. His lawyers said he thought he only had to register in the state in which he resided.
And the Massachusetts Lottery Commission said he gambled legally, so he'll probably get to keep the money.

Karma Smacks Pooh Holes

In Monday's game against the Brewers Pooh Holes was up against Jeff Suppan.
Suppan got ahead of Pujols 0-2 before Pujols fouled off a pitch, took two balls and fouled off another. After the next pitch he was awarded first base by home plate umpire Dan Iassogna.
No one noticed the mistake.
Pooh Holes was promptly erased on a double play by Scott Rolen to end the inning.

I Am Not a Mush

When Penn roared back against Texas ATM to take a 39-37 lead after they had been trailing by 13, I sent a cordial text message to Reissberg:
"What a comeback! I picked texas atm to win two games tho. Good luck."

He replied:
"U fuckin jinx."

Texas ATM won the game.

Did I mush the Quakers? Or did Reissberg's rudeness and resulting bad karma cost his team?

Karma

You might remember that earlier this season Cubs catcher Michael Barrett sucker punched White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski in the face.

Michael Barrett was placed on the 15-day disabled list Sunday with an intrascrotal hematoma.
Barrett was injured in the fifth inning on Saturday when he was hit in the groin by a ball. Barrett stayed in the game, and even hit in the Cubs' fifth, but had to leave because of the pain.
"That's a tough one there -- that one might be the toughest one," Cubs manager Dusty Baker said. "He said, 'Bake, I'm feeling sick, I'm hurting badly.' He tried to tough it out."
Barrett was taken to Northwestern Memorial Hospital Saturday, and an ultrasound revealed the injury. He then underwent surgery to stop internal bleeding IN HIS SCROTUM, Cubs athletic trainer Mark O'Neal said.