Devastation

Right now I feel as low as I've ever felt. That game was horrible. I spent all week thinking that the offense that produced 120 total yards would not show up, and the one that scored 101 points in the previous 3 games would make the trip to Seattle. I was wrong. I bet we are the first team in playoff history to go +3 in turnover margin and lose...by 10. I love Coach Gibbs and every morning when I wake up I thank God for bringing him into my life but I think we were outcoached. Once we started the game unable to run I think we should have gone to the pass more, at least on first down. Also once Alexander went out we should have brought the house against Hasselbeck. Gregg Williams made his reputation blitzing and he just sat back and let Hasselbeck pick us apart. If we could have pressured him into throwing one INT I think we might have won the game. Rogers made a huge drop of a potential game changing INT. I'm very happy about the way the season went for 17 weeks (18 if you include the bye) but this game will sit with me for a long time. But maybe that's just the hurt talking.

A Great Idea Somebody Else Had First

CBS Sportsline is running a March Madness style tournament to determine which athlete is dating or married to the hottest chick. You've gotta check it out because there's too many women to talk about. When the tournament whittles down maybe we'll get into deeper discussion. Right now I would say the favorites are #4 Elin Nordegren (Tiger Woods), #6 Elisha Cuthbert (Sean Avery) and #9 Eva Longoria (Tony Parker).

Right now Elisha Cuthbert is trouncing LaLa 96 to 4. Justin would be proud.
Derek's girl Jennie Finch has a tough second round matchup looming against Giselle Bundchen, if Finch can sneak by Mehmet Okur's very sexy wife. Giselle is also getting all she can handle from the spunky Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I like the girl next door thing as much as anyone, but this one shouldn't even be close.
Veronica Vaughn got cheated cuz they used a horrible picture of her.

AI Dissed for an Old Fat Guy

CASINO staff at the Trump Taj Mahal are still laughing about a recent visit from Allen Iverson when the Sixers star, who usually plays three-card poker, was playing roulette. Also at the roulette wheel was a woman who bet No. 3 to hit. Iverson naturally assumed she was playing No. 3 because it's his jersey number, but she told him nope, she plays the number because it's her lucky one and was worn by her idol: Babe Ruth.

We Hear it Has a Happy Ending

A movie expected out next year, called"Feel" was produced by Christina Lurie, the wife of Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie. "Feel" is about the experiences of men attending a massage parlor. They mentioned this on ESPN Hollywood and Mario Lopez made the joke I used for the headline of this story.

My New Favorite NFL Player

I don't like Joey Porter's trash talk but I do like his taste in movies. Last week against the Bengals Troy Polamalu caught a game clinching interception, but for some stupid reason he lateraled the ball. I just saw on Inside the NFL, Porter went up to Polamalu and said "Just when I thought you couldn't do anything stupider, you do something like this...and totally redeem yourself."
That counts as a close enough recitation of a great line from Dumb and Dumber: "You know Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself."

Not as Fun as Beating up Whores

Some crazy kids in Florida attacked some homeless men with baseball bats. They killed one of the guys. Watch the surveillance camera footage. These kids are doing it purely for the sport of it.

Besides Master Bates, Who Else is Related to Me?

Interesting study done by some doctors in Israel. Basically, they studied DNA and found that four women are the source of nearly half the Ashkenazi Jews in the world. Somehow these women left their genetic signature, something unique to them, that could only be passed on to their daughters. And 40% of the Ashkenazi Jews studied had it, while by and large it was absent from other Jewish and Non-Jewish populations.

Josh is Furious

We love fans who hold up funny signs at basketball games.

This picture is from last year when an enterprisingly Maryland fan cleverly distorted the message of a Duke fan's sign.

Stupid Song Girl

Derek loves the USC song girls, but maybe they aren't so smart. This picture was taken right after a Texas touchdown during the Rose Bowl last week. Look at the reaction of the Song Girl on the right, and the dirty look she's getting from the other girls.

Heath Ledger Gets Shot

Five paparazzi shot Heath Ledger with water guns at a movie premiere. They say Ledger spit on them. They opened fire on him and his girlfriend Michelle Williams soaking his face and clothes. Then they calmly walked away.

Weekly Picks

My picks have gone big time this week. CNN reporter and Fortune magazine writer Andy Serwer posted my picks in the Loose Change portion of his column on Money.com. I am picking those teams to win and cover the spread. I did not list spreads because point spreads are only for the gamblers right?

Welcome to Paul's Poop

Thanks for migrating over to the new address. This step was taken to ensure the blog would remain as great as it has always been. I never should have told co-workers about the blog, but once I did the word spread like wildfire around the office. No colleagues will be alerted to the creation of this site, so you can trust that an incident like this will never happen again.
Please continue to enjoy News U Can't Use at its new name, Paul's Poop.

Shrimp Death Lawsuit

I don't want to screw this one up, so I'll just give you the verbatim from Newsday:

The first piece of shrimp hit Jerry Colaitis' brother-in-law square in the forehead, attorney Andre Ferenzo told a jury Wednesday in State Supreme Court in Mineola.

The next one scorched the arm of Colaitis' son.

So when Colaitis looked up from his dinner at the Benihana restaurant in Munsey Park to see a third sizzling-hot shrimp sailing at his head, he jerked his neck away, Ferenzo said.

That violent motion wrenched Colaitis' neck and led, less than a year later, to the 43-year-old's death, said Ferenzo, a Roslyn lawyer representing Colaitis' estate. Now, about four years later, Colaitis' family hopes to win more than $10 million in damages for pain and suffering, lost earning potential and wrongful death.

But Charles Connick, a Mineola lawyer for the Benihana chain, said it's unlikely a chef who works for tips would toss food at customers after being asked not to, as Ferenzo claimed. And even so, he said the cause of Colaitis' death was an infection unrelated to the shrimp or a neck injury.

"The evidence will show that the manner of death was natural," said Connick.

Ferenzo said none of it would have happened without the shrimp.

"We're talking about pieces of cooked food thrown directly at people who are eating dinner in the restaurant," Ferenzo said in his opening statement.

In his opening statement, Ferenzo said Colaitis had gone to Benihana -- known for its table-side chefs, who serve up theatrics alongside teriyaki -- for his son's birthday.

Not long after leaving the restaurant, Colaitis began to feel pain in his neck and later went to see a chiropractor, Ferenzo said. When the pain didn't subside, he went to see three neurosurgeons, he said.

Colaitis underwent neck surgery at NYU Medical Center in Manhattan in June 2001. On Nov. 21, Colaitis checked into St. Francis Hospital in Roslyn with a 104-degree fever, Ferenzo said, and the following day, he died. The cause of death was sepsis, a severe infection.

Ferenzo said some chefs at Benihana abandoned tamer tricks, like flipping shrimp tails into their apron pockets, about 1998, when a Jackie Chan movie came out featuring a "mild-mannered chef who cooks up his own recipe for justice." Instead, they took to flipping the food directly at the customers, Ferenzo said.

But Connick said customers often enjoy having food tossed their way.

"Some customers, especially dads and sons, want to catch the food," he said. "The evidence will show that it was part of the show."

More Stupid Voting

Here are some interesting vote totals from the recent Hall of Fame balloting:
Don Mattingly 64
Orel Hershiser 58
Albert Belle 40
Will Clark 23
Dwight Gooden 17
Willie McGee 12
Hal Morris 5
Ozzie Guillen 5
Gary Gaetti 4
John Wetteland 4
Rick Aguilera 3
Doug Jones 2
Greg Jefferies 2
Walt Weiss 1
Gary DiSarcina 0
Alex Fernandez 0

A few notes based on that list:
1) Mattingly and Gooden both deserve to get in. Despite their relatively short reign of dominance, Mattingly was the best player and Gooden was the best pitcher in the majors for about 6 or 7 years in the 1980s.
2) Albert Belle also deserves to be in.
3) If Hershiser and Jack Morris don't make it, Clemens will be the only HOF starter from the 80s.
4) Who did Gary DiSarcina piss off? Why couldn't he get one friend to toss him a bone? Was Walt Weiss really that much better than him?
5) 5 votes for Hal Morris?
6) 2 votes for Greg Jefferies?
7) The 12 votes for Willie McGee were mistakenly cast for the Ugly Hall of Fame.

Reverse Racism?

I've already explained why voting is a joke but these college basketball polls are ridiculous. Especially the coaches, they don't even vote half the time. Anyway, sometimes I can't help getting worked up.
In this week's coaches poll Gonzaga is #7, West Virginia is #23 (the writers are a little smarter, they have WVU at #16).

Each team has three losses to quality opponents.
Gonzaga lost to UConn, Washington and Memphis.
West Virginia lost to Texas, Kentucky (both teams have fallen dramatically since that time) and LSU (that was a bad loss).
West Virginia's losses came in a row at the beginning of the season, which knocked them way down. But they haven't lost since November 26, Gonzaga lost on December 4 and 27.
They each have some quality wins.
Gonazaga beat Maryland, Michigan State (in a thriller) and Oklahoma State (another exciting finish).
West Virginia beat Oklahoma and Villanova (last week). They are on a 9-game winning streak, beat the #3 team in the nation and are only ranked #23?
WVU had a great NCAA tournament run and returned most of their key players.
Gonzaga flamed out in the tourney and lost their best player.
Both teams have cool looking big men who can really fill it up.
I know Bill will take Morrison, but I love Pittsnogle.

It seems like the pollsters are favoring Gonzaga for being a small conference team. “The media has been very desirous that a mid-major team do well.” Therefore they've built up Gonzaga and now that team is overrated.

Carson Palmer Borrows Mike's Shirt

At his press conference on Monday, Bengals QB Carson Palmer wore a gray, hooded, zip-front, Syracuse sweatshirt. If you watch the video you can see it in the very beginning. Mike has the same one and he wore it when he went on the field with Stacey during the homecoming game.

Just Clinton Being Clinton Man

No coach's outfit for Clinton Portis this week. No appearances with Johnny White Guy. No costume at all this week.

Portis received this letter from a female fan and decided to face the media as himself.

"Dear Clinton: You’re a special guy. Your sense of humor is amazing. But honestly: You are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in my life. What you do to me when I see your face is mind-boggling. Clinton, I would love to just see you come out as yourself. That turns me on more than anything you’ll ever know. If I had the opportunity, what I would do to you would just rock your world."

Prediction for Saturday's Game

Besides pain, I predict that FOX will show a late 70s or early 80s New England Patriots team picture featuring Don Hasselbeck and Mosi Tatupu. Their sons, Matt and Lofa, respectively, now play for the Seahawks.

Give Me the Mother Fuckin Gun, Akeelah

Saw the trailer for this new movie called "Akeelah and the Bee." It's about a young girl trying to make it to the National Spelling Bee.
When I saw in the trailer that the movie starred Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett, I thought they played Akeelah's parents, capitalizing on their chemistry as Tre's parents in "Boyz N the Hood." Alas, Furious plays a mysterious teacher, but Bassett is Akeelah's mother.

Another Big Win for the Knicks

The Knicks beat Dallas 117-115 in overtime last night. They blew an 18-point lead, 13 points in the 4th quarter. But they got down by 2 and were able to tie the game. Then after Nowitzki hit a dagger 3 in overtime to tie the game, the Knicks fought back. Curry and Davis got some key offensive rebounds, and Marbury and JC were tough going to the hole. The key was free throws. The Knicks hit 31 of 33, including 30 in a row. Next up, Atlanta tomorrow and Toronto on Sunday.