What I Should Have Said Theater

Where was Steve Tasker when the lights went out? In the dark.
CBS did a horrible job updating the fans throughout the entire blackout, but none worse than Steve Tasker, who despite being a television reporter, couldn't coherently report what was going on.
Remember, fans at home saw the lights go out, then 30 seconds or so of ambient crowd noise, then a commercial. We knew nothing, and they came back to Tasker who said "welcome back to New Orleans, I'm Steve Tasker sideline reporter for the uh, Super Bowl 47, if you're expecting to hear our friend Jim Nantz it may be a moment before he gets on. Half the power in New Orleans Stadium, the Superdome here, almost a perfect semicircle of the lights, half the stadium, went out, the scoreboard is also not working as well."

Here's what Steve Tasker should have said:
"I'm Steve Tasker, there has been a power failure at the Superdome. Half the lights are out. There is no power in our broadcast booth where Jim Nantz and Phil Simms are. There are enough lights still on, so no one is panicking. We do not know what caused this, and we do not know how long it will take to fix it. Both teams are just milling around wondering when they will be able to resume play."

Granted, I have the benefit of time, he didn't, but a reporter should always say his most important thing in his first sentence. If he practiced that enough, it would become habit. The first thing he said should have been about the blackout or the lights going out, not about the Superdome and our friend Jim Nantz.

What I Should Have Said Theater

Here are the first two paragraphs of President Obama’s statement on the attack in Libya:

I strongly condemn the outrageous attack on our diplomatic facility in Benghazi, which took the lives of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. Right now, the American people have the families of those we lost in our thoughts and prayers. They exemplified America's commitment to freedom, justice, and partnership with nations and people around the globe, and stand in stark contrast to those who callously took their lives.

I have directed my Administration to provide all necessary resources to support the security of our personnel in Libya, and to increase security at our diplomatic posts around the globe. While the United States rejects efforts to denigrate the religious beliefs of others, we must all unequivocally oppose the kind of senseless violence that took the lives of these public servants.

The first part is fine. Here is what he should have said instead of the last sentence he did use:
The United States will always stand up for freedom, especially freedom of speech for Americans. A movie is not sufficient provocation to attack a consulate and kill four people. Mitt Romney and his fellow Mormons aren’t burning down the theater for “Book of Mormon.” No one killed Bill Maher after “Religulous.” There were mild, non-violent protests over the ABC show “Good Christian Bitches.” We must all unequivocally oppose the kind of senseless violence that took the lives of these public servants.

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Penn State alumni should be saying about the death of Joe Paterno:

"For many years Joe Paterno was a shining light in the Penn State community. His old-school work ethic and folksy charm transformed the university to a national power in athletics and education.
Late last year we learned that Paterno was hiding a terrible secret. The man who was once his top assistant, Jerry Sandusky, was molesting young boys for years under Paterno's nose.
We know Sandusky molested boys in the locker room. We know there was a 1998 police investigation into the matter, but no charges were ever filed. We know Paterno was told about a sexual encounter between Sandusky and a young boy in 2002. We know Paterno reported the incident to his supervisors but never followed up on the matter.
We don't know, and we will never know, exactly what Paterno knew, thought or suspected about Jerry Sandusky.
But even our most conservative assumptions lead us to believe that Paterno fell far short of the moral standards he helped set is in his 50 years at Penn State.
By all accounts he was a kind, charitable, good and decent man. He lived his whole life with dignity. But because of what he failed to do in this case, he dies in shame."

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor should have about the message he was trying to send by writing "Vick" on the eye black strip he wore during OSU's game against Navy:

"I just wanted to show support for the guy. Some people are saying he should never be allowed to play football again but I believe in second chances. He committed horrible acts but he paid his debt to society. He served nearly two years in prison. I'm glad he's getting a second chance and I support him in it and I hope he doesn't squander it."



You'd have to admit that's definitely better than what he did say:
"I know what happened with him and, I mean, I don't want to talk much. I'm just going to be very short and sweet with it. But I just feel he made his mistake and I think he just needs more support. Not everybody is the perfect person in the world. Everyone does -- kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me. I just feel that people need to give him a chance. I always looked up to Mike Vick and I always will, because I still think he is one of the best quarterbacks. I love Mike Vick."

What I Should Have Said Theater

UConn men's basketball coach Jim Calhoun freaked out on a blogger who questioned the coach's salary:



But instead of repeatedly imploring him to get some facts, and even offering to fight the guy (I think that's what he meant), this is what Calhoun should have said:

"The number one reason America is the best country in the world is because someone can come from nothing and through hard work rise up and become a success, and get paid a lot of money for a job well done.
"I feel really badly about the financial troubles our country and this state are going through right now but it's not my fault. I'm not a bank CEO, taking millions in bonuses while running the company into the ground. I get paid a very nice salary to win basketball games and produce revenue for the University. And the basketball team brought in $12 million last year.
"My heart goes out to the families who are struggling right now, out of work, maybe kicked out of their homes. But I don't think the way to solve this problem is to change our financial system. There seem to be a lot of people out there recently who think we should become a socialist country. Every rich person should keep a little bit for himself and pay everything else away in taxes so the government can give it to poor people. But that's not the way our capitalist system works. Right now, we're going through a tough time, but if we let the system work, it will work, and the U.S. will be back on top again."

What I Should Have Said Theater

Dana White, President of the UFC, on the demise of EliteXC:

"I'm glad this organization folded because they were bringing disrepute to the sport that I love. These bastards who ran EliteXC were not interested in the beauty of the sport, they were only interested in cashing in on what I worked so hard to create. The poor quality of fights, the allegations of match-fixing, all threatened to destroy the reputation of mixed martial arts that I helped build. So I'm glad they're gone. They built their entire organization around one guy, one guy who was a complete fraud, a guy I said I would never have in the UFC. But right now I'm going to go back on my word. I'm going to offer Kimbo Slice $100,000 for one fight. A one-shot-deal against Gabriel Gonzaga on the undercard of the biggest fight in UFC history, Randy Couture against Brock Lesnar. So when this Kimbo fight ends in 14 seconds at least the fans won't be disappointed this time."

What I Should Have Said Theater

John McCain and more specifically Sarah Palin have been trying to attack Barack Obama on his ties to Bill Ayers (a former, though currently unrepetant domestic terrorist) and Reverend Jeremiah Wright (a preacher who has delivered anti-American and anti-white sermons). But those attacks have largely backfired. Because they delivered them wrong, this is how McCain should have done it.

"The real issue here is not whether Senator Obama should have walked out of church during Reverend Wright's sermon, or whether he shouldn't have held a campaign fundraiser in Bill Ayers's living room. What matters is that these people support Obama. Why does Reverend Wright love Obama so much? Why did Bill Ayers launch Obama's political career in his living room. Why did Louis Farrakhan call Obama the messiah? Why did Jesse Jackson say Obama would take power away from "Zionists?" Because they want to drastically change this country. And that's what Senator Obama has been telling them he would do for the past two years. Change, change, change, change, change. Now I want change too, but the kind of change I want is more honesty in Washington. No more earmarks. No more partisan bickering holding up crucial legislation. But that's not the kind of change Wright, Ayers and Farrakhan want. Will they get what they want in an Obama Administration? I don't know. But they think they will. And that's why Barack Obama is too risky for America."

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what LeBron James should have said about a speeding ticket he got for driving 101 miles per hour in a 65 mph zone late at night on December 30 (his birthday) on his way home after a game. LeBron's reaction was very blase, playing it off and saying that his Benz's speedometer actually shows speeds of up to 200.

This is what LeBron James should have said:
"I was doing 101. That's it. I was speeding. I've just got to abide by the law. I got caught. I made a mistake, and I'll live with it. I wasn't drunk. I was just speeding. That's it."

Note: that is part of what he did say, so he had it half right, but he needed to add this:

"But I also understand that given my profession and my influence on kids things like that can't happen. Too many kids look up to me for me to behave so irresponsibly. I don't want to look like I'm condoning driving 36 miles above the speed limit. The next time I drive 100 I'll be in a racecar on a track somewhere. Maybe I'll build one in my backyard. I've got the land, and the money."

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Tiger Woods should have said about a comment by Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman, who said the only way for young golfers to compete with Tiger Woods was to "lynch him in a back alley."



"Kelly and I are friends, and I have a great deal of respect for Kelly. Regardless of the choice of words used, I know unequivocally that there was no ill-intent in her comments. I consider the story a non-issue."

Amazingly, that is exactly what Tiger Woods said (give or take a few pronouns since it was released through his agent it was done in the third person). That is exactly why people of all races respect Tiger Woods because he carries himself with class, grace and frequently uses common sense. Unlike the idiot race baiters who are once again trying to gain power by bringing down a white person. In most of these cases the comments are pretty innocuous (something about fried chicken or nappy hair), but in this case lynching was definitely the wrong word to use. But intent matters here. She didn't mean it in a racial sense, she was laughing and joking and used the wrong word. That is not a crime against humanity. Kudos to Tiger Woods for having the balls to do what's right and not punish a woman for a simple stupid mistake. By the way, the Golf Channel caved and suspended Tilghman for two weeks. It will be interesting to see if they can resist the pressure to fire her that is already starting to build.

What I Should Have Said Theater

What Caitlin Upton should have said when asked why a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map:

"That statistic is startling and troubling. But the reason is simple. Our education system is not doing a good enough job. We need to provide more money for books and maps and for teachers' salaries. But the burden also falls on the parents who need to take the time to teach their children themselves, to supplement what they should be learning in school."

What I Should Have Said Theater

This is what Cynthia Rodriguez should have said after her husband A-Rod was photographed running around the country, and up to his hotel room, with his mistress, a stripper. A stripper who is much less attractive than she is:

"I've contacted my lawyer and I am filing for divorce. No amount of money in the world is worth the embarrassment Alex put me through. I have a young daughter to worry about and I do not want her to grow up seeing her mommy embarrassed as her daddy runs around town with muscular strippers. I hope I can be a role model to women everywhere who are stuck in lousy relationships. You don't love him and he obviously doesn't love you. Leave him. Our former First Lady and future President wasn't strong enough to send that message but I am going to do it. No man is worth the agony Alex has put me through. And when I leave his ass, I'm gonna leave with half."

What I Should Have Said Theater

NBC is catching a lot of heat for its continuous airings of the photos and video sent to them by the Virginia Tech killer Cho Seung-Hui. This is what they should have said:

“NBC was unwillingly lured into this Virginia Tech tragedy when the killer sent a package containing still photographs and video clips to our headquarters. We have no idea why he chose to send this package to us, maybe our address is the easiest to remember. Upon receiving the package and determining what it was, we immediately turned it over to the proper authorities. We will air limited portions of the video tonight to give the public a look into the disturbed mind of this brutal killer. But after tonight we will never air them again. We believe that the killer made these tapes with the hope that the network and cable news channels would splash them all over the TV. We are not going to grant a suicidal and homicidal maniac his dying wish. To do so would be disrespectful to the memory of those that he so savagely murdered. But because we are a news organization and we believe in the freedom of information we will be posting the materials in their entirety on our website. We will allow each of you the choice to decide if you want to see just how crazy this son of a bitch was. And if you do decide that you would like to view the killer’s manifesto, then we would also suggest that you visit the section of our website dedicated to honoring his 32 innocent victims.”

What I Should Have Said Theater

What NFL team executives should have said to Calvin Johnson, Amobi Okoye and Gaines Adams. All three admitted in private interviews, according to Pro Football Weekly, that they have used marijuana in the past. We don't know how team executives did respond but we know in the past that drug rumors have caused prospects (Dan Marino, Warren Sapp and Randy Moss - though Moss had other issues) to slide way down the draft board.

"Young man, we want to thank you for your honesty. We were all young once and we understand that young people make mistakes. And if occassional marijuana use is the worst thing about you, then any organization would be lucky to have such a good player and good young man. But marijuana is illegal. And it is forbidden by league rules. As you know the league currently has a major image problem and the last thing we want is our first round draft pick to fail a drug test. And the last thing you want is to have a promising career derailed by failed drug tests and the subsequent suspensions. We assume from the fact that you've disclosed this information to us voluntarily that you realize using marijuana was a mistake, one you don't plan to make again. We will not use this against you in evaluating you; in fact your candor is viewed by us as a positive in regards to your character. But we also want to remind you that this is the NFL, that stands for Not For Long, and without guaranteed contracts, it wouldn't be wise to make that mistake again."

What I Should Have Said Theater

Executives at MSNBC and CBS:

"Due the despicable remarks made by Don Imus which caused so much hurt and so much controversy we no longer feel that we can in good conscience allow his program to be broadcast on our network. His termination is effective Monday, April 16th. This will allow Mr. Imus to conduct his annual radiothon which benefits three fine and worthy charities. While we are dismayed at his remarks, we appreciate his efforts to heal the wounds he has caused. One way he does that is by enriching the lives of the people who benefit from his great charitable works. We also want to allow Don Imus two days each year to continue the fine tradition of the radiothon that he started 18 years ago.. The decision to allow him to continue on our airwaves for two more days has nothing to do with Mr. Imus himself, or the young women he has insulted. This decision was made with thoughts of the many sick youngsters who lives are made better because of the money Mr. Imus raises. We know that Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are vehement in their demands for Mr. Imus' immediate termination, but they are just going to have to hold their venom for two more days. Given the circumstances they should have no problem doing so."

Welcome to "What I Should Have Said" Theater

Because I'm smarter than everyone and I know better I'll be introducing a new feature called "What I Should Have Said" Theater.

Since people are constantly saying the wrong thing I should have no shortage of material.

I'll start with the execs at MSNBC and CBS radio.