New Year, New Adventures

I would like to start off 2016 by announcing the arrival of a new Baby Poop due in May.

Here's Chase and Julian's reaction when we told them.



"It's so crazy. I feel like it's not real."

We wanted to find out the gender, for obvious reasons, to figure out whether we needed to go out and buy a bunch of pink shit or just go up into the attic and bring down the blue shit.

So Mrs. Poop got the results of the test in an envelope, gave it to the people at Party City who filled an opaque black balloon with the corresponding color shredded paper.

We periscoped the big reveal:



Mrs. Poop was able to borrow an at-home Doppler, so here is the baby's heartbeat:



And to answer the question all of you are asking: No, it was not an accident or a surprise. This was the result of very careful planning.
We had to wait to buy a house to have another baby. We wanted to do DisneyWorld also. And Mrs. Poop had always wanted a May baby so she could have June, July and August off. Baby is due May 27th.

I Hope I Don't Jinx Myself

I can't hold it in any longer. For years I have been play Beat the Streak on mlb.com. The object is simple, pick one player everyday (no restrictions) and build a hitting streak. If your guy doesn't get a hit that day, your streak is over.

My longest streak prior to this year was 11 games. Right now I am riding a 15-game hitting streak.
I know I am still 41 games short of Joe DiMaggio but the prize for passing him and getting to 57 games is $5.6m.
And I am nearly halfway to this season's longest streak of 31 games.
So I know it's early, and I am not counting my chickens, I just thought it would be fun to share my streak, my selections and have you cheer along with me.

Tonight's selection is Prince Fielder because he is facing John Lackey who has a 7.41 ERA and a .297 batting average against.

What Kind of Asshole Gets Married During March Madness?

My friend Mike D that's who. And on a Friday night no less.
I will not be watching any games tonight, so no recap. If you have any funny comments or game observations post them in the comments section.
I will not be watching Syracuse until I get home. At 10pm I am giving Mrs. Poop my blackberry and instructing her not to give it to me until I finish watching the game. Bombard me with all the bbms, comments and e-mails you like. I will read them about 3am, if all goes well.

Back in Business

I got a new job.
While I won't discuss any particulars here I'll say a few things about it.
I started Friday to train and jump in with both feet on Monday. It seems to be a lot more like what I want to do and with a smaller staff I will have more chances to do the things that will advance my career.
I'm still working overnights, only this job doesn't provide free parking so I'm taking the train in. Until I get comfortable I'll be getting in at 10:30 pm, so I have to leave home at 9:30. When I get more accustomed to it I can go in an hour later. And I will probably get home at around 10:30 am most days so it's a lot less time with Chase than I had before but it's good enough for now.
The position I'm filling is freelance so I am getting paid a day rate and not eligible for benefits. But once my benefits expire with my old job we'll switch to Mrs. Poop's, even though it's pretty expensive since she only works part time.
I also have 12 more weeks of severance coming to me from my former employer which is pretty sweet.
I was told by my new boss that if it works out with me and they like me there's a good chance the freelance position could become a permanent one. But likely that is going to be for a LOT less money than I was making.
But I'm willing to take the temporary pay cut for future glory.
I'm very happy with my new opportunity, with the chance to get back to work and with the passing of the storm cloud that was floating over my head for the past four weeks.
Thanks to all of you who helped make this possible and offered your assistance during this difficult time.

Changes

I got laid off yesterday. Originally, I wasn't going to write about this here, but decided I can't be honest for the next four months without explaining what happened.
The only thing I ask is that no one make any mention of the name of my former employer or any specifics about what I do or places I should be looking. Anything like that or any other questions or comments can be addressed in private e-mails.
My employer was cutting back and given my time at the company (more than 8 years) my salary was much higher than other people at my position, making me a prime candidate for a cutback.
I'm not bitter or angry about what happened, but I'm mad at myself that I let them catch me before I left. I'd been pretty unhappy there for the last year or so and knew this was a possibility. The fact that I wasn't proactive enough really kills me.
I have 16 weeks of full pay to find a new job, and if I can there's a good chance I can find a job with improvement in one of the following areas: better chance for advancement, more fun, better hours and the chance to work in sports possibly.
Sure there are a lot of ways this situation could turn out very poorly, but I'm ignoring those for now.
Thanks for all your kind words and support.

As for the Poop, I fear this will have a negative impact on this blog. First of all, being at my old job was a great easy source of material, and now I'll have to work a little harder. Also, I won't have as much downtime, because the free time I have now will be filled with Chase and Mrs. Poop. But hopefully you'll keep reading and I'll still come up with interesting stories to tell.

New Monitor

I got a brand new monitor and computer at work recently.
I was very pleased that all my decorations were replaced on the new monitor.
There was my receipt taped to the left side of my monitor.
3 bottles of Diet Coke (plus bottle deposit), one roll of Mentos and one adult poncho, $12.15 for my famous Diet Coke and Mentos demonstration.
My newspaper headline from the Wall Street Journal "Cleaning Up Diesel's Image" was affixed to the top of the new monitor.
My name plate (actually a piece of paper) with my porn name, Prudence Lewiston (first pet, street I grew up on) was back on top of the monitor.
And in front of the monitor on the computer were my bobblehead of Diesel and my 2 polaroids of him.

A Day Without Sunshine

Mrs. Poop told me a couple days ago that we needed to pick up a couple things (diapers) so we had to go to Target while we were in Connecticut. We figured Christmas Eve would be a good time to go. Unfortunately, some of her friends who live here said they never remember seeing a snack bar at that Target. So I was managing my expectations, not getting my hopes up that I would taste the golden deliciousness of Target Popcorn.
But this morning after I texted Josh that I was eating stew for breakfast, he told me he was going to have Target Popcorn for breakfast.
When we got to Target, I saw that they did have a snack bar, and a popcorn maker, but it was conspicuously empty. I waited on line behind three retards from the group home and was shocked when the lady told me they ran out of popcorn kernels. Whoever heard of such a thing?
Popcorn kernels are not a perishable item. They should never run out because they should order huge quantities and reorder when supply gets low. Poor management.
Even more annoying is that the clerks in New Jersey are rude and curt but the line moves quickly. But in Connecticut everyone knows each other and the clerks are so nice it took 5 minutes for her to tell me that they didn't even have any popcorn.
I was so furious.
Target in Torrington, Connecticut sucks.
Stock enough popcorn next time assholes.

Family Pictures

Mrs. Poop wanted our burgeoning family to take pictures this holiday season so we all got dressed up in sweaters and button down shirts (and I shaved my prodigious beard) and we headed to J.C. Penney.

The family ones came out ok, except Mrs. Poop and I got tired of smiling because we were waiting for so long for the photographer to coax a smile out of Chase.



This was the best smile we got out of Chase but he was covering his face with his hands so we couldn't use this one.



This is a great one because Chase looks just like me here. This is the face I made when Stuart Scott told me James Lofton was not in the top 16 all-time in all-purpose yards.



This is the last picture Chase took and by this point he was done. The lady wanted us to buy this one but we already have plenty of him like this.



Continued thanks to jusTON who taught me how to circumvent the picture hosting website's draconian ban on rightclicking these pictures.

Poop Taking Care of Business Week - Day 3

10:00 - Wake up. Chase was tired from the previous day of not sleeping so he slept until 8, which allowed me to sleep until 10.

12:00 - One of Mrs. Poop's friends came by for a visit.

12:30 - Diesel and I take a walk for about an hour and a half. We walk an extra 15 minutes to hear Mike Tirico's interview with Les Miles. No mention of his parents poor grammar.

2:00 - Lunch at Panera Bread. I had the baked potato soup in the bread bowl. And since it was before the mid-afternoon rush, they still had the bread bowls.

4:00 - Started playing some online poker. I finished second in a super satellite, qualifying me to play again later tonight. More on that later.

5:30 - Mrs. Poop feeds Chase and goes for a mani/pedi.

6:00 - Take a crying Chase for a walk to stall him until Mommy comes home with the milk.

10:05 - Start Round 2 of my poker tournament. 2244 players. I was short stacked early but I won 2 big hands, first with ace-king vs. king-5, then 2 hands later I hit a set with pockets 4s. I started doing really well through the first 100 hands but I went completely card dead when the blinds went up. I went all in with A-J vs. 8-7 after a Q-8-3 flop. I caught an ace on the turn to stay alive. I went all in with Q-4 from the big blind on a Q-J-3 flop. I got called by pocket aces and hit a 4 on the river to win the pot. But later I got rivered, I had K-J with J-6-5 flop, vs A-Q and an ace came on the river. I got back in it with pocket aces when my opponent hit runner-runner straight he put me all in and I doubled up. I just couldn't get ahead though. I lost about 12,000 with A-6 against A-7. Finally busted out in 38th place after playing for 3 and a half hours. After making about 6 of these tournaments and not being able to play in them I was glad to get the chance to at least play.

Poop Taking Care of Business Week - Day 2

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Poop Taking Care of Business Week - Day 1

You may remember back in August I took a week off from work to get the house ready for Chase, who at the time was known as Baby Poop. Instead of cleaning out my closet like I was supposed to, I wrote this post. The next morning Chase was born and we got almost nothing accomplished. Well, now's the time to make up for that. I have the next two weeks off and a lot of things to do. Not on that list is writing this blog. So I probably won't have that many posts but I'll try to update you on my daily activities so you at least have something to read.

Note: Times not exact

9:00 - Regis and Kelly discuss aubergine, a fancy word for eggplant.

9:30 - Regis and Kelly have on the winners of the cat show.

11:15 - Arrive in Staten Island for my dentist's appointment. Still no cavities, but I am encountering a problem with my gums. But my new regimen of daily flossing and a special mouthwash will once again give me perfect dentition.

12:30 - Lunch at Bario's. The food was good. The people were typical Staten Island.

1:00 - Decide to make Chase wait to eat until we get to Target back in New Jersey.

1:30 - Stop for gas.

1:31 - Chase cries.

1:40 - Finally get to Target after Chase and Mrs. Poop nearly meltdown.

2:15 - Sitting in the car feeding Chase. A woman a row over has a Toyota Sienna with an automatic rear door. But she has too much shit in the back. The door slowly goes down, she's in the car, but the door can't close. So it opens again. She gets out, moves some stuff around, tries to shut the door and gets back in the car. The door opens again, but she starts driving away. She sees the door is open, stops her car gets out, does a major restructuring and finally creates enough room for the door to close.

2:30 - Target popcorn!

4:00 - Costco parking lot is a complete mess and no one has the patience to let a couple cars go to clear it out. So everyone just pulls as close as they can to get the car in front of them, and backs up when someone in a spot needs to get out.

5:00 - Finally get home, unload all our stuff. Diesel knocked over our salmon, thankfully it didn't open.

6:00 - Take the kids for a walk.

7:15 - Finally come home as a worried Mrs. Poop is looking out the door to see if we got lost. Chase was being good so I just decided to give Mrs. Poop sometime to relax in the house without her 3 boys bothering her.

7:30 - Salmon for dinner. Mrs. Poop makes sauteed squash. Disgusting.

8:30 - Watch How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory and Rules of Engagement.

10:00 - Watch Monday Night Football, ALCS, NLCS.

Poop Taking Care of Business Week - Monday

I took the week off work so that we could get the house ready for the impending arrival of Baby Poop.

So this week should be a slow week for blogging, but a good week for getting shit done.

To wit:

10am: Doctor's appointment. Everything looks good with less than 3 weeks to go, but Baby Poop isn't doing anything to indicate he or she is ready to come out early.

11am: Target. Target popcorn! Delicious! But I got the small this time, much better choice. I bought a silly t-shirt, hopefully I'll post it on here this week. I also got a new bedside table and I don't know what the hell else but we spent $250. Yikes!

12:30pm: Dropped off some clothes for the homeless. Six bags of stuff as a result of cleaning our closets to fit the baby's stuff.

2:00pm: Went to Buy Buy Baby bought our stroller (more on this in a separate post).

3:00pm: Visited Bruce the Bed King, to get a guest bed. Bruce was there. He is the nicest guy ever. I was wearing a t-shirt that said "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." He asked if "that" happened in Vegas. Mrs. Poop loves him. Didn't buy the bed yet though, had to measure the room first.

4:00pm: Came home to Diesel, he's great.

4:45pm: Take a nap (sung to the tune of "Make it Clap")

7:00pm: Took Diesel for a walk. A standard poodle got off its leash and was going nuts, barking at Diesel, growling at him. Luckily, we practice Zen ("walk past the barking dog") and the poodle finally left us alone.

8:00pm: Ate dinner, watched TV, did a little cleaning.

More stuff to do tomorrow.

The Maine Vacation

We're back from our annual trip to Maine and we had a great time and didn't get too sunburned.

The trip did start off with a scare though. As soon as we arrived at the cottage we took Diesel inside and let him off his leash. A few seconds later I looked for him and saw the garage door was open, he had taken off. The four of us went running in four different directions trying to find him. Mrs. Poop's dad was the first one to get to him. Diesel had run to the beach and was swimming in the ocean with some kids. Never mind that he violated two city ordinances forbidding off leash dogs and dogs on the beach prior to 5pm but as soon as he saw him Diesel came running over as if to say "hey grandpa, let's go swimming, isn't that what we came here to do."

Our first two days there weren't such great weather so we went to this great pizza place in Portland called Ricetta's for the lunch buffet, they make a bunch of pizza with combinations of different toppings (chicken, pepperoni and mushroom, for example) and then you can eat til your full. Or you can have cherry or blueberry pizza for dessert.

On Tuesday we saw the Portland Sea Dogs (Red Sox AA affiliate) beat the New Hampshire FisherCats (Blue Jays), in another annual tradition. I had a Sea Dog Biscuit Ice Cream Treat.

We did get in a couple of good beach days and I was able to read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." I won't say anything about it here, I'll wait for the next edition of Paulo's Book Club.




Diesel also got in a couple of good beach days. That dog loves swimming. He will completely duck his head under the water. And when a wave comes, he jumps completely over it. But he just seems so happy doing his doggy paddle. The part he hates is the bath he gets afterward to get the smell of ocean water off him and the sand out of his fur and paws. But I think 10 minutes of swimming exhausts him more than a 45 minute walk.





But of course the best part of Maine is the lobster. One night we bought them pre-cooked in a takeout place ($8/lb. I think), I had 2 of them. Then the next night we went out to dinner and I had the Lazy Man lobster. It's a lobster that they pluck out of the shell for you and serve it in a dish.



And we made a new discovery this year. The lobster roll, which is normally made with mayonnaisse (I hate mayo), can also be purchased "plain" and drizzled with warm butter. And they really stuff them full of lobster meat. So we had that for lunch a couple days. $10 is kind of expensive for a lunch sandwich (outside of Manhattan), but the amount of lobster meat makes it well worth it.

Another year has passed and we have roughly 51 weeks until we visit Old Orchard Beach again.

The Way Life Should Be

We're headed to Maine for our annual Poop Family Vacation.
We'll eat sandwiches (known as Italians) for lunch and lobster for dinner and we'll sit on the beach reading Harry Potter.
But I'll only have limited internet access.
So what does that mean for you Poopheads?
As always I've put the Poop in the capable hands of The Poop's design and IT consultant, TON.
I'll only be gone a week and it's not like TON has anything better to do this week.
I've left him with some posts that I've written in advance and given him free reign to write whatever he wants (I await his choice for Song of the Week).
I'll be back Saturday.
Enjoy!

Craptop

The future of the Poop has been put off. The laptop that temporarily revolutionized my life has died.
About a month after we got it, it stopped working. When I called HP for support they told me they only choice was to wipe the whole thing out and start over. While I took a few days to back up all the shit I had transferred to it, it started working better. At most it would need to be restarted once when we'd turn it on in the morning.
Then it started freezing, and freezing more frequently, until it just died.
After screaming at the Indians from HP support in Mumbai, who blamed it on me and the evil programs I downloaded, they agreed to take it in for service.
I know this couldn't possibly happen to every HP or they'd be out of business, but I really wish I had gotten a Dell.
Hopefully they can fix it, or give us a new one and I can start my life again. But in the meantime the Recap and my online poker habit are going to suffer greatly.

Virginia is For Lovers...and Cute Kids

Mrs. Poop and I had been trying to find the time to make a trip to Virginia to visit Isabelle, Kevin and Josh and Erin. There had never been a good time, so we decided this weekend was about our only choice. Once the summer started we would be too busy, and once the fall came, well, then it would be too late.

So we got home from work Friday morning, got a few hours sleep then hit the road. First we had to travel to New York to drop Diesel off at his exclusive kennel.

Then it was back through New Jersey where we hit traffic on the Turnpike. Then we traveled almost the whole length of the state of New Jersey until we got into Delaware, where we hit traffic on the bridge. We stayed only a few minutes in Delaware which led us into Maryland where we encountered more traffic around the Fort McHenry tunnel.

Aside about Fort McHenry tunnel: Papa Poop always talks about a time when he was driving Poop On Me to visit colleges and he was listening to a Mets game and he lost the signal right before the Fort McHenry tunnel. WFAN must have improved it's wattage since then because I was able to hear the Mets game all the way to Josh's though Mrs. Poop was getting frustrated by the static.

Anyway, after about 7 hours in the car (including one for the trip to the kennel) we finally arrived. Josh brought Kevin outside to greet us. Kevin went nuts barking. Josh says he always does this around new people. We ignored Kevin's barking and won him over. Clearly he tries to intimidate people due to his lack of size. Then when he can't intimidate his next method of self-preservation is to be really nice to you. Other than a couple incidents when Mrs. Poop tried to pick up the hot dog, Kevin behaved like a perfect angel.

I wish I could say for the same for Josh. He was cursing, farting, talking really loudly. Fatherhood hasn't changed him at all.

The next morning we were able to meet Izzie. She is so cute. She has a beautiful round face with chubby cheeks and a nice crown of soft golden hair. Plus she is the most mild-mannered baby I've ever encountered. We know plenty of babies and love them all, but Izzie didn't cry once (for more than 30 seconds) the entire weekend. I think she can sleep through anything because he parents speak so loudly she's used to loud noises.

She also loves her big brother Kevin, though sometimes she pets him a little too roughly.

The weather didn't cooperate with any of our plans Saturday as it rained a little in the afternoon. I even tried to take Kevin for a walk, but that was cut short by rain. So basically we just sat around relaxing, watching Izzie play, messing with Kevin, enjoying the company. In celebration of Cinco De Mayo we went to a nice little Mexican place. Then we tried to listen to the Mets game on the radio but couldn't get it. I declined Josh's offer to sit in the car and drink beer. We watched a little NBA basketball but I was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open.

The next day was more of the same. I deemed it too windy to go the National Zoo. It was questionable but it was going to be quite a schlepp and I'm glad we just did more hanging out. We went to the mall. Mrs. Poop and Erin looked at purses and baby items. Josh and I tried on Redskins leather helmets while pushing a baby stroller. Not our finest moment.

Then we went for lunch at this sports bar, Champs. We were evidently seated behind some kind of invisible curtain. We could see out, but nobody could see in. We sat for ten minutes before Josh finally flagged down a waitress who seemed completely confused. Eventually they sent a waiter over. We decided to order three appetizers for us all to split. Plus Erin ordered salad, Mrs. Poop and I had soup and Josh got the chili (thankfully we didn't stick around to smell the aftereffects of that). Then they brought two of our appetizers, the Mile High (literally) nachos and buffalo chicken tenders. The waiter came over to apologize because our potato skins were late and because they brought us buffalo chicken tenders we didn't order (but we did), and to assure us they wouldn't be on the bill. Then when he brought the potato skins he told us those wouldn't be on the bill either since we waited so long for them. Also at one point he brought an extra coke and said "doesn't matter there's free refills anyway." So basically instead of a check they gave us a bunch of gift cards. We gave the guy a nice tip and appreciated our good fortune.

The whole time all this was happening Izzie was sitting quiet as a church mouse.

Then it was time to go home. The trip home was a lot better than the trip there. We listened to the Mets game, but they lost and Mrs. Poop told me everything I need to know about baby furniture.

The Emperor's New Room

After months of waiting, our sunroom remodeling project is finally complete. Almost. The contractor still has a few loose ends to tie up but the room is pretty much as it's going to look. And our furniture arrived today also, 4 - 6 weeks early which might have caused a problem, but we were able to fit it all in the living room while the work was being completed, so it actually worked out nicely.
It looks really nice in there and I'm looking forward to relaxing in there this summer with a beer, a book and big black lab.
But the room's new look may preclude Mrs. Poop from allowing us to play beer pong out there during this September's 3rd (or is it 4th, I don't think the wedding counts) annual Poopfest. But by that point she'll be 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant so she probably won't even let me have the damn party anyway.

Kidstock

Mrs. Poop and I spent Sunday with our nieces, Cayla and Jenna (and their parents) in Central Park for a concert. A free concert by Laurie Berkner. If you've never heard of her, you will. Someday. I must admit I was very wrong. I expected 2,000 - 3,000 people. There were that many people named "Madison."




Cayla got to the park at around 10am because she wanted to get a good spot, and then the rest of us snuck in right before the concert started. Laurie came on at about 1, and her first song was an Izzie favorite, "Victor Vito." Victor Vito is the story of two polar bears on a trip around the United States discovering the local food like rice and beans (in New Mexico), tobasco (in New Orleans) and spaghetti (in New York). But they also discover themselves.

Note: links on song titles will direct you to the music video from noggin. It will launch a windows media player but you will have to sit through a ten second open before the song starts.




The second song was the club banger, "Bumblebee (Buzz Buzz)." This song is sort of like "Ruff Ryderz Anthem" for kids. But instead of 6 idiots jumping around in 920 Ackerman, there were 6000 toddlers jumping around in Central Park. And instead of "Stop! Drop! Shut em down open up shop," there is "buzz buzz buzz-buzz-buzz, buzz buzz buzz-buzz!"

They also played a Cayla favorite "Catch You," which she sang while running away from Aunt Step On Me. Mrs. Poop likes this song because on Thursday you are supposed to have yourself a nurse day.

We also heard the educational "We are the Dinosaurs" which teaches kids about prehistoric creatues and the possible ramifications of global warming, as well as how to march, for those children who aspire to military careers. Whaddya think of that?

Then came my least favorite song, "Let's Go Swimming." Before this song, if you said to Cayla "Let's Go..." she would reply "Mets!." But this song ruined all of that. Now if you try it she says "SWIMMING!" Fish don't take showers. And noses and toeses don't rhyme. Well, they do rhyme but only because toeses isn't a word.

One of the last songs is appropriately title "Pig on Her Head." I think you can figure that one out.

I Better Make the Next 50 Years Count

According to this idiotic life expectancy calculator, I am going to live to be 79 years old.
This is a cool, fun gimmick, but it's impossible for it to be even slightly accurate.
It does not take into account the most important factor that determines who shall live and who shall die...luck.

Damn Vandals

Street toughs vandalized the tennis courts where Mrs. Poop and I play during the warm weather.
We had planned to give her some pregnant exercise this spring and summer (while I restrained my enthusiasm to hit the ball as hard as I possibly can) but we're no longer sure if that's possible.
Yesterday while walking the dog, Mrs. Poop noticed that the nets on all four courts were damaged, making the courts unplayable. We then saw at least three hoods still loitering near the scene of the crime. We called township police, non-emergency. A few minutes later the cops came by, drove past the area twice, but never questioned any of the kids who were dispersing from the area.
I hope that our exorbitant association dues will help pay for the speedy repair of the nets before the weather warms again.
But I'm sure this will be a hot topic for discussion in the bi-weekly association newsletter that should be arriving wedged into our screen door soon.
The last scourge of the Association occurred last summer when vandals painted the word "death" on park benches. Then an urban myth grew out of it that anyone seated on the benches would die, or suffer the loss of a family member. According to reports, all the kids in the neighborhood were afraid to sit on the benches because of this.
And because the vandals were out every night, our handyman Hank couldn't repaint the benches fast enough.
Let's hope he's better at fixing tennis nets.