In Case You Are Freaking Out About Facebook

It seems amazing to me that people would use Facebook, friend everyone they've ever met in a weird kind of popularity race, post pictures of themselves drunk or in their underpants or both --- then complain Facebook is violating your privacy.
Facebook is not going to make money selling a picture of you going apple-picking.
But since my picture of Chase appears on Google, and Georgia Derek recently tracked me down, I thought I would share these Facebook privacy tips with a particular emphasis on #10 (which was not part of the AP article, I threw it in because I like round numbers).

Facebook has been nudging its users -- first gently, then firmly -- to review and update their privacy settings.

You may have procrastinated by hitting "skip for now," but Facebook eventually took away that button and forced you to update your settings before continuing to use the site.

After finally accepting Facebook's recommendations or tweaking the privacy settings yourself, though, you might have made more information about you public than what you had intended.

At the same time, Facebook has given users many granular controls over their privacy, more than what's available on other major social networks.

So if you want to stay out of people's view, but still want to be on Facebook, here are some things to look out for as you take another look at your settings.

1. Some of your information is viewable by everyone.

Everyone can see your name, your profile photo and the names of work and school networks you're part of. Ditto for pages you are a fan of. If you are worried about a potential employer finding out about a quirky fetish or unorthodox political leaning, avoid becoming a Facebook fan of such groups. You can't tell Facebook you don't want those publicly listed. Your gender and current city are also available, if you choose to specify them. You can uncheck "Show my sex in my profile" when you edit your profile if you don't want it listed, and you can leave "Current City" blank.

2. Your list of friends may also be public.

Facebook also considers your friends list publicly available information. Privacy advocates worry that much can be gleaned from a person's list of friends -- even sexual orientation, according to one MIT study. But there is a way to hide the list. Go to your profile page and click on the little blue pencil icon on the top right of your box of friends. Uncheck "Show Friend List to everyone." Either way, those you are already friends with can always see your full list.

3. You can hide yourself from Web searches.

There is a section for "Search" under Facebook's privacy settings page, which is accessible from the top right corner of the Web site under "Settings." If you click the "Allow" box next to "Public Search Results," the information that Facebook deems publicly available (such as photo, fan pages and list of friends), along with anything else you have made available to everyone, will show up when someone looks up your name on a search engine such as Google. The stuff you've limited access to in your profile will not show up.

This is useful if you want people you've lost touch with, or potential work contacts, to be able to find your Facebook page. If you'd rather not be found, uncheck this box.

A second setting, controlling searches within Facebook, lets you refine who can find you once that person has logged on. Limit searches to friends only if you think you have all the friends you need and don't want anyone to find you when they type in your name to Facebook.

4. Beware of third-party applications.

Quizzes and games are fun, but each time you take one, you first authorize it to access your profile information, even if you have made that available only to your friends. You're also letting the app access some information on your friends.

Under "Application Settings," Facebook lists all the apps you have opened your profile up to. If you no longer want to authorize access to "Which Golden Girl Are You?" you can always remove it by clicking on the "X" next to its name. Apps you use regularly, such as Facebook for Android if you update your status from your mobile phone, should stay.

Next, by clicking on "Applications and Websites" on the privacy settings page, you can edit whether your friends can share your birthday, photos and other specific information. Remember that applications can access your "publicly available information" no matter what.

The security firm Sophos recommends users set their privacy settings for two of Facebook's own popular applications, notes and photos, to friends only.

5. Go over your list of friends.

The average Facebook user has 130 friends. But many people interact with a much smaller group when commenting on status updates, photos and links. So it doesn't hurt to occasionally review your list of your friends to get an idea of just who can view your status posts, vacation photos and funny links you've shared over the years. Don't feel obligated to add anyone as a friend, even if that person adds you first. For professional acquaintance you don't want to snub, send them to a LinkedIn profile you can set up. Some workplaces and schools have rules about Facebook interactions between bosses and employees or students and teachers.

6. Create custom friends groups.

If you have friended a lot of people, sort them. Think of the groups you interact with in real life -- co-workers, college buddies, girlfriends, grandma and grandpa -- and organize your Facebook friends in these groups, too. Go to "All Friends" under the "Friends" button up top, click on "Create New List" and fire away. Then decide what aspects of your profile, and which status posts and photos, these people will have access to. Or, simply create a "limited" list for acquaintances or distant relatives and limit their access.

7. Customize your status posts.

Type "I'm hungry" into your status update box. Click on the little lock icon. You'll see a range of privacy controls pop up, letting you either allow or limit access to the post. If you want, you can even hide it from everyone by clicking "Only Me" under the custom settings. Click on "Save Setting." Repeat with each post, or create a default setting for most updates and increase or decrease privacy as you see fit.

8. Let your friends know you have boundaries -- in person.

Many of us have woken up on a Sunday morning to find that an overzealous friend has posted dozens of photos from that wild party we barely remembered -- the good, the bad and the hideous. Chances are, they didn't do this to embarrass you, though if they did you have bigger problems. Rather, they probably don't know that you don't want these photos posted. Sure, tweak your photo privacy settings on Facebook. But if someone starts snapping pictures of you at a party, ask them to check with you before posting it anywhere.

9. Never assume complete privacy.

Even for the most tech-savvy person, unflattering photos, incriminating text messages or angry status posts about work have a way of worming their way out in the open. Just saying.

10. If you are that worried about your privacy -- DON'T JOIN FACEBOOK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!! This one has been mastered by Mem. She doesn't want everyone seeing what she is up to, so she never joined Facebook. Ok, she did join Facebook, but she used a fake name not realizing no one would friend her and she wouldn't be able to see anything but a tiny thumbnail of that person and now Mrs. Poop and I constantly get Facebook suggestion recommending her pseudonym as a friend. But all that aside, she's worried about her privacy, so she doesn't join Facebook, simple.

Miserable Weekend Update

Two footnotes to the weekend of my discontent when Nebraska, Bones Jones and the Redskins all suffered heartbreaking losses.

I watched the Ultimate Fighter Finale a couple hours late because I was watching Nebraska, and by the time I got to his Facebook page there were about 100 comments on his wall, yet mine stood out enough in his mind for him to respond.



The Redskins cut their awful kicker Shaun Suisham and replaced him with Graham Gano.

I Just Can't Quit Bill Simmons

When Bill Simmons was first hired by ESPN, he was awesome. He thought, talked and acted exactly like us and he wrote the way we would write if we had an ESPN column.
Somewhere though, he lost his way, he became just like every other douchebag writer and sports personality, being overly critical, never backing his opinions up with facts and in Simmons's case, beating every joke into the ground. Did you know Isiah Thomas was a bad general manager?

And even worse, his mailbags which were once the highlight of his writing just became full of letters from Simmons wannabes hitting on the same themes (every GM sucks, stupid things ruin movies and moustaches rule). But like I said, I can't quit Simmons so I did read his latest mailbag and found a couple things that made my laugh and remember why I used to read him so religiously before he started writing books, feuding with ESPN and posting once a month.

First he said Red and Andy from Shawshank Redemption had the best bro-mance in history. So true. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.

And then there was this gem, even though the heavy lifting was done by the letter-writer here, it's still hysterical:

Q: Can you think of the sports equivalent of the spouses of buddies whose Facebook friend-request you accepted who constantly update their status on the topic of taking care of their kids? Like "Jenn is watching her little ones nap" and "Sarah is playing 'Bob the Builder' with her kids! Yay!" As a 28-year-old unmarried man, it's not that I don't appreciate females or motherhood, it's just that I don't care. For the same reason that I don't update my status with "Kully just put on jock itch cream."
-- Kully, Guangzhou, China

SG: Wouldn't the sports equivalent be like ending up with an undesirable throw-in for an NBA trade (aka Marcus Banks)? The more interesting angle for me is how Twitter and Facebook reflect where our writing is going thanks to the Internet. In 15 years, writing went from "reflecting on what happened and putting together some coherent thoughts" to "reflecting on what happened as quickly as possible" to "reflecting on what's happening as it's happening" to "here are my half-baked thoughts about absolutely anything and I'm not even going to attempt to entertain you," or as I like to call it, Twitter/Facebook Syndrome. Do my friends REALLY CARE if I send out an update, "Bill is flying on an airplane finishing a mailbag right now?" (Which is true, by the way.) I just don't think they would. I certainly wouldn't. That's why I refuse to use Twitter.

As for Facebook, I don't mind getting status updates and snapshots of what my friends' lives are like -- even if "Bob the Builder" is prominently involved -- as long as they aren't posting 10 times a day or writing something uncomfortable about their spouse/boyfriend like "(Girl's name) is … trying to remember the last time she looked at her husband without wanting to punch him in the face" or "(Girl's name) is … just going to keep eating, it's not like I have sex anymore." Keep me out of your personal business, please. Other than that, the comedy of status updates can be off the charts. Like my college classmate who sends out status updates so overwhelmingly mundane and weird that my buddies and I forward them to each other, then add fake responses like, "(Guy's name) … snapped and killed a drifter tonight" and "(Guy's name) … would hang myself if the ceilings in my apartment weren't too short." It kills us. We can't get enough of it. We have been doing it for four solid months. And really, that's what Facebook is all about -- looking at photos of your friend's kids or any reunion or party, making fun of people you never liked and searching for old hook-ups and deciding whether you regret the hook-up or not. That's really it. All in all, I like Facebook.

Do Not Post About Your Job On Facebook

But if you do, make sure you spell everything correctly.
The Philadelphia Eagles fired a stadium emploee, Dan Leone after his status update said "Dan is fucking devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver ... Dam Eagles R Retarted!!"
Leone was upset about the Eagles allowing his favorite player Brian Dawkins to sign with the Broncos.
Leone who works the gate on gamedays was fired by phone a few days after that status update.

I wonder if the Eagles had a policy saying team employees could not be publicly critical of the organization. If so, his comments are reasonable cause for dismissal. Even if they didn't it should have been reasonably assumed that this behavior would not be appreciated.

Even Mrs. Poop Would Have Done This

Two nurses at Mercy Walworth Medical Center in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin have been fired for taking a picture of a patient's X-ray and posting it on Facebook.
The patient was admitted to the emergency room with something lodged in his rectum. The nurses took pictures of the X-rays when they realized it was a sex device.

Now let me say that Mrs. Poop is the nicest, sweetest person I know. She's also the best nurse. She's very loving, caring and nurturing. She takes her job very seriously and cares for her patients, their well-being and their privacy.

But if she ever saw an X-ray of a guy with a dildo stuck up his ass, damn right she'd take a camera phone picture of his X-ray.
I'd be furious with her if she didn't.
But this is where Mrs. Poop would have been smarter than these women. You don't put it on Facebook.

And if it's just an X-ray, without a guy's name or face, you're not really compromising his privacy.

Now, I'm not saying this is the right thing to do (even though it isn't illegal it technically violates hospital policy) but it's akin to finding a bag full of money. Very few of us would actually turn it in to the police.

Nope, when you find a treasure, you take it home, share it with your loved ones and closest friends and you keep your mouth shut.

Fur is Murder

I recently got a Facebook friend request from an old friend from elementary and junior high school.
Problem is, she's wearing a fur coat in her profile picture.
I can't in good conscience be friends with someone who wears animals' skin on her back, can I?

There is Nothing Sexy About Breastfeeding

Facebook is currently involved in a boobie controversy.
The site flagged the photos of women breast-feeding as obscene.
Now angry mothers are picketing the site's headquarters, creating groups like "Hey Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene" and flooding the site with breastfeeding images (11,500 of them) out of spite.
"We challenge the notion that women's breasts are dangerous or sexual, especially in the context of breast-feeding," said Stephanie Muir, organizer of the virtual "nurse-in."
That's a sentiment I completely agree with.
"We've made a visible areola the determining factor," said Facebook spokesman Barry Schnitt, who stressed that the company supports breast-feeding. "It is a common standard."
Also a sentiment I agree with.
Look Facebook has to draw the line somewhere and I guess exposed nipple is a good place to do it.
No one would argue that these sluts who post pictures of themselves wearing nothing but a smile (but covering their nipples with their hands) aren't closer to obscenity than breastfeeding pics, but in this case Facebook can't be expected to review every photo.
And it shouldn't be a fundamental right for site users to be allowed to post these pictures.
And why are women posting them anyway? Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, a wonderful thing that not everyone needs to see.

Some of His Ex-Teammates Probably Didn't Appreciate That

Texas coach Mack Brown dismissed backup offensive lineman Buck Burnette from the team after an offensive status update on Burnette's Facebook profile.
It said “All the hunters gather up, we have a n-word in the White House.” Except he actually used the n-word.
Burnette claims he got it in a text message from a friend and decided to make it his status update without thinking.
In college football guys beat their girlfriends, drive drunk, steal and get only a game suspension, but using a bad word gets you kicked off the team.
While that might seem incongrous I can imagine that many of his black teammates would be unhappy with Burnette and might take action against him.
But I wonder what would have happened if he had been a better player?

Patriots Fire Jew-Hating Sharpie-Loving Cheerleader

The Patriots kicked Caitlin Davis off the cheerleading squad after two photos of her appeared on Facebook. In the pictures Caitlin is drawing on the face and body of a pass-out friend. Mostly she drew penises and wrote the word penis on the guy's face. But the swastikas and the words "I'm Jewish" went a little too far.
Patriots owner Robert Kraft is a prominent Jew and active in the Anti-Defamation League.
I'm not all that upset about this, it's probably just a stupid prank, but Davis should have known better. She represents the Patriots and as a company they can't afford to offend part of their fan base like this over some stupid 18-year old slut.

Facebook in Real Life

Funny British comedy sketch about the absurdity of Facebook.

Another Benefit of Facebook

Facebook has lots of pros and cons.

Pro: Slutty pics of slutty chicks
Con: They're very cautious about friending you, denying access to those slutty pics

Pro: You can see what everyone else is doing
Con: Everyone else can see what you're doing

Pro: Bubbletown
Con: It's addicting

Pro: All the groups you can join and games you can play
Con: The people who constantly send you suggestions of games to play, groups to join and people to friend. I don't want to be friends with that red-headed douchebag.

But the worst part might be that people you haven't seen for years can track you down and get in contact with you. But sometimes those people have something really cool to share.

For instance, this picture from JCC Camp from 1984 is a hidden gem posted by someone who had a whole bunch of JCC pictures.

See if you can identify not only The Poop, but The Concierge is in this picture as well. Take a guess, and I'll put the answer in the comments section.

The First Rule of The Poop

We don't talk about The Poop on Facebook.
On Facebook I am friends with a lot of people I work with, all of whom for many reasons, do not know about The Poop.
And I'd like to keep it that way.
Given the nature of Facebook and the way everyone can see everything, it's better not to mention the Poop.

Fairy Tale

Kevin Colvin, an intern at the Anglo Irish Bank of North America e-mailed his manager on the afternoon of Oct. 31 claiming "something came up at home" in New York and that he needed to miss work the next day. For whatever reason, perhaps managerial intuition, his boss decided to inspect Colvin's Facebook page on Nov. 1 and apparently found pictures of the intern dressed as a fairy, beer in hand, at a Halloween party in Massachusetts.

Rather than reprimand him, the manager decided to have a little fun. He shot Colvin an e-mail back stating: "Thanks for letting us know -- hope everything is ok in New York. (cool wand)" with the fairy picture attached. And if that weren't embarrassing enough, the manager reportedly BCCed the rest of the company.

BORE-ring

A "scandal" begins when Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo is "blackmailed" by someone who threatens to reveal pictures of her that were once on her own Facebook site. The pictures are pumped up to be "embarrassing" and "unlady-like." The word that should have been used for them was lame. Polumbo goes on the "Today Show" to reveal the photos herself. The pageant committee ruled Polumbo pictures are so boring they aren't even going to bother taking her crown away.

Miss Nevada knows how to take some truly scandalous photos.

Facebook -- The Greatest Thing to Hit College Since Beer

Since most of us left college a website called facebook is revolutionizing dating on college campuses. Florida State fan Jenn Sterger has a great facebook site.
Derek once told us about her.
Now she is reportedly going to be in Maxim and Playboy. To what does she owe her popularity?

"I just chalk up all the questions to having an amazing surgeon. I’m sure he is enjoying all the free press he is getting, as almost any message from a girl on my Facebook.com is always about, I WANT YOUR DOCTORS NUMBER! It’s kinda flattering. But you will get your occasional haters. If the only way you can insult me is by pulling the “fake boob card,” by all means …get some new material buddy. How original. Hey, it was MY money, a great investment, and damn it, ‘I am gonna shake what the doctor gave me.’"