The $10,000 Uranus Joke

A few weeks ago Billy excitedly texted me imploring me to put on "America's Funniest Videos." He thought I would enjoy the video that he was sure would win the $10,000 first prize. Here it is:



Now I do think that video is funny, and I love a good Uranus joke, but what the hell was Billie doing watching "America's Funniest Videos"? Is he 90 years old and falls asleep in his easy chair after Sunday dinner?

Things I Thought Today

Why didn't Zach Randolph try this hard when he was on the Knicks? Notice I didn't say "why didn't Zach Randolph play this well when he was on the Knicks?" I know the answer to that. It's because he didn't try this hard.

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I think Blaine Gabbert is going to be the best quarterback in the 2011 NFL Draft. I think Jake Locker is going to be the worst.

I also think Nick Fairley is going to be a bust. I saw him on Gruden's QB Camp and he seemed to be a functional illiterate. He was pretty decent diagramming plays, but in normal conversation he seemed like a 4-year-old. Sort of like Alvin Mack without the charm and the door knocker.


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Why did the Mets demote Dillon Gee to the bullpen? Chris Capuano sucks, and has more value in the bullpen because he's a lefty. Capuano had one good start. Gee had 7.

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It's good to be the Prince.



Suggested by Mrs. Focks

Royal Pain in the Ass

For years I have said the princess myth is the most dangerous thing we teach our young girls.
Here's why: practically from birth, every girl is told she is a princess and someday a handsome Prince Charming will come and sweep her off her feet.
Only problem is, unless she's Kate Middleton that won't happen.
And those girls will spend the rest of their lives looking for Prince Charming and he will never come.
No matter how many toads you sleep with after a few too many apple martinis, none of them will turn into Princes.
So instead women marry the wrong man, pass up the right man, or spend years of unhappiness just because they didn't find a non-existent prince.

I'm not saying women should settle, I'm saying women should be realistic, the fairy tale is never going to happen for them.

Unless they're Kate Middleton.

I went into this morning's wedding with a lot of skepticism but I have to say I enjoyed it way more than I thought I would.



I'm not into fashion so I don't give two shits about Kate's daring fashion choice to bring sleeves back:



I don't care about the awful shade of yellow the Queen was wearing:



And I don't care about the silly hats. Ok, I care a little. They are funny.



But why were so many women wearing the hats glued to their foreheads instead of atop their heads?



I do like hot chicks so I enjoyed the sister of the bride, Pippa Middleton, who is now the new hottest woman in England:


I also could have done without all the crazy media coverage, but I understand when you do four hours on a wedding you are left with nothing but hype.

And I still believe it will be only a few years before the Sun and Telegraph are full of rumors about Wills banging chicks on the side while poor Kate suffers.

But for today, for this one morning, it was a nice, enjoyable, elegant lovely wedding and all of us one-time aspiring princes and princesses could escape the reality of our own existences and be swept up into a fairy tale world of beauty, elegance, palaces, carriages and millions of adoring fans.

Albert Haynesworth Uses the "I Don't Even Like Black Girls" Defense

Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is fat, lazy, surly, overpaid and evidently his opinion of himself is just as inflated as his fat ass.

On February 12th, Haynesworth was at a private birthday party at the P.O.V. Roof Terrace and Lounge at the W Hotel in Washington DC.

As the party was ending Haynesworth called over the waitress to pay his bill. She came over but was holding dirty dishes. She told him to wait until she put them down but he insisted on paying immediately.

So he put the debit card in one place he knew she could carry it, her bra. She says he then grabbed and fondled her breast even though she told him to stop.

Witnesses said Haynesworth said to her “I’m just going to put my card right here.” She allegedly nodded in approval, but told him to take his hand off her breast.

Maybe she was ok with him sliding it in there, but not with him touching her boob. Not sure what she was thinking. But she must have been upset, because when his card was declined, she sent another employee over to his table to get an alternate payment.

Haynesworth says he did nothing wrong and he will not accept a plea deal. This is his defense:

“I know what this is about. She is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me. I don’t even like black girls."

Song of the Week

"Roll Up" - Wiz Khalifa
I did it again. I trashed an artist to JLeary then enjoyed his next song without knowing it was the same artist. I told him that while riding in my car I turned off the radio and drove in silence rather than listening to his previous effort "Black and Yellow." Khalifa is from Pittsburgh which makes me wonder if his father is Sammy Khalifa.

Seems Like Brandon Marshall Had it Coming

The Denver Post had an amazing timeline showing the various off-field incidents in the life of Brandon Marshall. I will condense it here:

June 17, 2006: Marshall and his girlfriend Rasheedah Watley both filed police reports alleging physical abuse by the other in an hours-long a fight at Marshall's Orlando apartment. No arrests.

March 18, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police that Marshall had punched her and taken her purse while at a downtown hotel. Marshall left before police arrived and no charges were filed.



March 21, 2007: Police in Palm Beach County, Fla., interviewed Marshall and Watley twice in one night after two loud arguments. Both said the incidents were not physical, and no arrests were made.

March 26, 2007: Marshall was arrested in Highlands Ranch on charges of domestic violence and false imprisonment after another argument.

June 8, 2007: Two incident reports were filed by Atlanta police. The first was to investigate damage to private property when Watley's friend alleged that Marshall hit her car and then threw a rock at the passenger door, where Watley was riding. In the other, Watley told police Marshall had cut her in the thigh and punched her in the face. She was taken by ambulance to a local hospital. Marshall was not on the scene, and no charges were filed.

June 30, 2007: Watley told Atlanta police Marshall had punched and choked her at his downtown condo, leaving a bruise on her eye and scratches on her body. He was not on scene and no charges were filed.

March 4-5-6, 2008: Three incident reports and one criminal warrant filed after Watley and Marshall got into a fight at his Atlanta condo. She told police Marshall had punched her in the mouth and eye. Marshall told police his hand was also cut on glass during the incident, which included Watley's two younger sisters. Marshall was arrested on March 6 on a misdemeanor battery charge.

May 21, 2008: An Atlanta police officer was dispatched to Marshall's condo to enforce Watley's temporary restraining order while Watley was there removing her belongings. The officer described Marshall as being cooperative and Watley as being argumentative, though Watley told the officer she felt threatened by Marshall and his relatives who were also there.

Feb. 8, 2009: Played in his first Pro Bowl in Hawaii, an honor received because of his performance in the 2008 season. While on that trip, he proposed to his girlfriend, Michi Nogami Campbell.

March 1, 2009: Takes part in a fierce argument with his fiancée that leads to their arrest on disorderly conduct charges. The charges are dismissed the next day.

April 1, 2010: Marshall marries Michi Nogami in a courthouse ceremony in Jefferson County.



July 17, 2010: Marshall and his wife again exchange vows in a formal ceremony in Miami.

April 22, 2011: Michi Nogami-Marshall is arrested and jailed after she admits to police she stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife in self-defense. Marshall is hospitalized following emergency surgery to repair a non-life threatening stab wound to his stomach.


For the record, that's 8 incidents against Watley, including 5 times she accused him of punching her in the face. Even if those are the only times it happened, isn't that four too many?

His wife didn't seem to have the same patience. This latest incident is even more disturbing because Marshall, even after being stabbed, told police he slipped and fell on a broken vase. More upsetting, there really was a broken vase in the house. But police said there was no blood near it, when Marshall's alibi for his wife didn't check out, she confessed to stabbing him, but claiming it was self-defense.

Obviously Marshall is a very bad guy and a serial spousal abuser. I hope Michi learns her lesson and gets away with from this psychopath. And if some woman ever does give Marshall one more chance, I hope he learns the lessons his wife taught him at the end of a knife.

Hope is a Good Thing

"Even a journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." - Ancient Chinese Proverb.

My knee-jerk reaction to the Knicks sweep at the hands of the Boston Celtics is not to have a knee-jerk reaction.

Yes, I am incredibly disappointed they couldn't even win a single game, especially after two heart-breakers on the road. I'm more disappointed that after two close games in Boston they came to New York and dropped an egg on the home crowd, being down so much so early the crowd never really got into the game, either game.

Here is why Knicks fans should be heartened: After years of refusal the Knicks finally went with Breaking Bad's "no half-measures" policy. They scorched earth and traded everyone they could. Then they built a new team around Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony.



Two problems with this approach: Amare's questionable health and the high price paid to get Carmelo.

The Knicks obviously don't have the depth to compete with the better teams in the NBA. And they don't have a good enough point guard to distribute (and defend) though I would have loved to have seen how they did with a healthy Billups.

Here is what they do have: two legitimate scorers. For the long and storied career of Patrick Ewing the Knicks never had a suitable scorer to compliment him.

Note: John Starks does not count because he was a barely literate volume shooter.

Now they have two great forwards who if they can stay healthy and be surrounded by a good core (defensive center, facilitating point guard,) they form the foundation of a potential NBA champion.



And that brings hope to a fanbase that has had no reason to be hopeful in at least 10 years.

But it still sucks to get swept out of the playoffs.

Baseball is Poop

Good Idea if Done Right, Bad One if Done Wrong
Bud Selig announcing this week there is a strong possibility one wild card team in each league will be adding beginning next year. No details have been given, but there is a right and a wrong way to do this. Adding another 7 or 5-game series to the playoffs would be a mistake. It would push the beginning of the season into March and the end of the season into November. The right way to do this would to have a 1 or 3 game playoff between the 2 wild card teams in each league. That would add a lot of excitement and it would give a tangible benefit to teams performing better in the regular season, because as it is now home-field advantage is not enough of a reward to keep those wild card teams from upsetting the division winners.

Wards of the State
Major League Baseball has seized control of the Los Angeles Dodgers, a supreme embarrassment for one of the league's most storied franchise. Bud Selig was justified in taking this step because owner Frank McCourt has completely mismanaged the franchise. Most embarrassingly, he put his grown sons, one in business school, one working for Goldman Sachs, on the team's payroll for $600,000. Most egregious, he used more than $100m of the team's money on personal mortgage deals. The last straw was a $30m loan he got from Fox so he could keep meeting payroll. Complicating matters is a nasty divorce battle between McCourt and his wife Jamie. Frank claims he is the sole owner of the team. Jamie claims she is half owner because the team was purchased during their marriage. Selig might actually be saving the franchise by taking it over, and he will surely try to force a sale and make the McCourts battle in court for the proceeds. But it certainly is an incredibly embarrassing incident for the Dodgers organization and it could cripple the team's operations if it continues to drag on.



The Hypocrisy of Baseball
In baseball it is ok, even encouraged to steal bases. But it is not ok, and even discouraged to steal t-shirts. Cincinnati pitcher Mike Leake was arrested on suspicion of stealing 6 t-shirts from Macy's. The t-shirts had a total value of $60. Considering Leake's $425,000 salary he should have been able to afford them. The Reds seem unfazed by this, they let Leake take his scheduled turn after the incident and he improved to 3-0 on the season.

The Worst Baserunning I Have Ever Seen (And I'm a Mets Fan)
Thanks to an expanded free preview of MLB Extra Innings I spent the early season dipping into several games of teams I would never normally watch. When the Blue Jays and Angels went to extra innings I tuned in. And what I witnessed shocked me. Bobby Abreu led off with a single and advanced to third on a single by Torii Hunter. First and third no one out in the bottom of the 13th. Infield in, outfield in. Vernon Wells pops one to left, it's so shallow the left fielder (who I previously mentioned was playing in) and to run in and dive for it. Abreu conservatively decided not to test Travis Snider's arm. But Torii Hunter was running. Snider fired to first and doubled him up. Where the fuck was he going? His run means nothing. To make matters worse, Alberto Callaspo walked, and was picked off first. Where the fuck was he going? Technically it was Abreu who got caught stealing because he made a mad dash for home once he saw Callaspo was a dead duck. So with first and third and none out the Blue Jays faced one batter and got 3 outs. Total embarrassment.

Picture of the Week
I'm a sucker for interesting first pitches. Celebrities, hot chicks, dinosaurs. But this time it's a robot throwing out the first pitch for the Phillies.



First Pitch Honorable Mention
The Easter Bunny throws out the first pitch at the Marlins-Rockies game.

Look What the Cat Dragged In

A quiet California neighborhood is being terrorized by Dusty the Klepto Kitty.



My favorite part is Dusty coming down the street with a bra hanging out of his mouth.



But there are so many questions:
1) Why can't they lock Dusty inside the house? How does he keep getting out?
2) Why can't the neighbors lock up their stuff? I can see the bathing suits, but why are your tighty whiteys outside?
3) Why do his owners still have a collection of the stuff he's taken? Don't they give it back? Why are the holding onto their neighbors' dirty drawers?
4) Why do people own cats?

Poker's Black Friday

On Friday the U.S. government shut down Full Tilt Poker and Poker Stars effectively outlawing online poker in the U.S.
Several years ago Congress prevented banks and financial companies from doing business with offshore gambling sites. The poker sites found a way around that, using third-party payment processors to get the money from individuals' bank accounts.
Now the government says those workarounds were illegal.
11 people were arrested and now the sites are shut down.
I tried to logon to my account and was told I cannot play because of the government crackdown.
This is wrong on so many levels:
1) I am a grown person who should be able to do what I want with my money
2) the hypocrisy of banning an activity online, but making it legal in a casino
3) protecting us from the social ill of gambling which ruins so many lives. In this country we should not punish the responsible to protect the irresponsible, we should help the irresponsible or let them suffer the consequences of their actions
4) robbing honest, tax-paying citizens of their livelihood. Thousands of people make a living playing poker online and they should be allowed to do so and pay taxes on the proceeds
5) poker is not a game of chance. It is not gambling, for the people who do it well. Yes, there is luck involved, but over time luck evens out so those who succeed do so because of skill.

The only possible bright side of this would be if now that our backs are against the wall, right-thinking lawmakers heard our cries and legalized our hobby/profession. Otherwise April 15th will live in infamy as Black Friday for poker.

If that doesn't happen the worst part of this will be the almost total eradication of poker on TV. ESPN will broadcast the 2011 World Series of Poker, but they have already canceled one NAPT event because it was title sponsored by Poker Stars. Fox has already pulled "The Big Game" (the best poker show on TV) because of it's affiliation with Poker Stars. And every other poker show on TV relies heavily on advertising from poker sites. If those sites go away, those ad dollars go away, if those ad dollars go away the shows go away too. And that would hurt me the most.

Fashion That's Clashin

My favorite announcer in any sport is Walt "Clyde" Frazier. And he has been so for many years because of his dual loves, vocabulary and fashion.
A recent article in the New York Times explained how Clyde makes his fashion choices.

Walt Frazier — Always in Style
By RICHARD SANDOMIR
In Walt Frazier’s closet hangs a polyester cow-print suit with brown-and-black splotches. However absurd, it fits in a menagerie of 100 or so suits that hang on five racks and with patterns of tiger stripes and leopard spots; designs of bold plaids and checks; and colors of yellow, red, salmon and orange.



The closet is actually a small, disorganized bedroom in Frazier’s Upper East Side apartment where he mixes and matches his dozens of ties, shirts and handkerchiefs to his suits. He spends hours inside thinking about what to wear to announce a Knicks game for the MSG Network; he will work and rework his suits and accessories (“Sometimes, I’ll let the tie dictate the colors I’ll mix with it”) to gratify himself and stun others, something he has done since soon after he became a Knick in the 1960s.

“I like unusual combinations,” he said Thursday afternoon, dressed in a white pullover and sweatpants as he eagerly prepared to broadcast the first Knicks playoff series in seven years. “I have to entertain myself. I like combinations that people wouldn’t think would go normally together.”

Frazier exhibits a delicate touch as he moves among two hangers jammed with a riot of colorful ties to an armoire packed with pocket handkerchiefs, the suit racks and a floor littered with boots made of alligator, ostrich, eel and stingray skins. This is where he seeks an alchemy befitting the Clyde persona that was summoned to brash life more than 40 years ago, when he starred for the Knicks and often battled the Celtics. Here, a wild plaid suit is tempered by a pink shirt and a pink tie. Here, the leopard-spotted suit is tamed with a black silk shirt and black-patterned tie.



“If your suit is popping,” he said, “your tie can’t.”

As he considered his choices, he sometimes said, “Now, where is that hankie?”

He had returned from Boston that morning from the Knicks’ last game of the regular season. On Sunday, he will be back in Boston for Game 1 of the Knicks-Celtics playoff series. He eyed a bright green suit — not Celtic green — that he was tempted to pack for the trip to TD Garden.

“For years, he wouldn’t wear green in Boston,” said Mike Breen, his partner at the MSG Network. “Now he’s going for the reverse jinx.”

The green suit shares space with the cow print that Frazier first assessed as sofa fabric for rental property in St. Croix. He was in Zarin Fabrics, on the Lower East Side, when he spotted the cow print, along with the leopard and tiger designs, on rolls. These could be suits, he said, offering the sort of idiosyncratic style judgment usually reserved for Las Vegas extravaganzas.



“I asked the guy and he said, ‘Yeah, it could be a suit,’ ” Frazier said. “But he might have told me just to sell it.”

He toted the fabrics to Mohan’s Custom Tailors, near Grand Central Terminal, which makes nearly all his suits and has a celebrity clientele.

Frazier occasionally spends hours studying swatches for future suits and shirts on a scholarly hunt for what he calls jazzy, and what others might call gaudy.

“He thinks and thinks and tries to match things,” said Mohan Ramchandani, the proprietor of Mohan’s.

Ramchandani trusts Frazier’s vision, yet still had a question about the cow print. “Are you really going to wear this?” he asked. “Because it might be too heavy?” Frazier assured him he was, and Ramchandani turned the cow and wildcat prints into suits for $700 to $800 each.

In the months before Frazier picked them up, they were ogled by other customers.

“Sometimes, we show people the Clyde suits,” he said. No one else asked for a cow suit.

A funny thing happened in January when Frazier broke out the cow ensemble for a game at Madison Square Garden. He left the pants hanging at home. “I wasn’t brave enough to wear the cow pants,” he said. He wore black trousers instead. “Man,” he added, “I thought it was going to be too much.”

Breen remembered the night in January when Frazier wore the leopard suit in Los Angeles.

“When the camera came on,” Breen said, “he said, ‘This might be one and done.’ ” That night, Breen added, Frazier hinted at the cow suit that was to come. “He said, ‘Mike, you ain’t seen nothing yet.’ ”

The leopard print might go into seclusion, but it will be replaced by something provocative. Frazier challenges the tailors at Mohan’s: “Show me something that nobody else would wear.”

Frazier has so many suits in his closet that he said he did not have to spring for any dry cleaning in the 2009-10 season. “I said, ‘Man, I’m saving money by having all these suits.’ ”

There is a touch of frugality to him; he enjoys ironing, and said he was appalled recently when it cost him $34 to dry-clean four silk shirts.

Frazier plans his next season’s outfits during the current one. On a table in his kitchen are swatches (one that looks like cheetah) for 10 or 12 suits that Mohan’s will make for him. He has a bagful of buttons that will be sewn onto his jacket sleeves. And inside a folder are pages clipped from women’s magazines and catalogs to help him visualize his future designs. He stopped reading GQ long ago.

“I look through these for different patterns for shirts,” he said, flipping the pages of a Bloomingdale’s catalog. “I like these open collars for summer. You can see what you’re getting more than in men’s magazines. Here’s a suit. See how that lapel looks? And here’s a sort of Nehru suit.”

The closet will soon close its run after about 30 years and move to Harlem next week, where Frazier acquired three penthouse apartments last year. There is more closet space there, and he vows to be better organized and to ruthlessly color-coordinate his wardrobe. He is also planning to open a sports bar and restaurant on 10th Avenue between 37th and 38th Streets in December. The ceiling has a design that is based, in part, on Frazier’s shoes. A Frazier-themed mural will span a blocklong stretch.

“It will be,” he said, “a shrine to Clyde.”

Song of the Week

"Sure Thing" - Miguel
A strong follow-up to "All I Want is You."
I haven't gotten an e-mail from JLeary about it yet, but I am sure I will.

Way to Insult Half Your Target Audience

Manhattan Mini Storage has come up with a smarmy and mostly clever ad campaign you can see on billboards across the city. I like the one saying "If you watch Hoarders and wonder what the big deal is..."

This one however offends me:



"Why leave a city that has six professional sports teams, and also the Mets?"

Ok, so it is kind of funny and it shows how Mets fans are an agreeable bunch who can laugh at ourselves and our team, as opposed to those humorless cretins who root for the Yankees.

Story Suggested by Golzilla

Barry Bonds Gets Away With Murder

Well it wasn't quite murder but he definitely got the OJ treatment from the jury. How could one woman on the jury of 12 not think Barry Bonds knowingly took steroids?
How could anyone look at that man and the physical changes he's undergone and the tremendous improvement in his performance and not think he had done steroids?



And if you can get there, you have to believe beyond a reasonable doubt that he knew what he was taking. Especially after all the other athletes testified they got steroids from Greg Anderson and knew what they were taking.

And speaking of Greg Anderson he's either the best friend ever, or he's getting a lot of money. And whatever he is getting, Bonds ought to double it. But isn't that witness tampering? How would they not find out if Greg Anderson gets out of prison and has millions of dollars? Would he do this for less than $5m?

So the one idiot juror who didn't believe Kathy Hoskins when she said she saw Anderson inject Bonds with her own two eyes, held up the guilty verdict on at least one of the perjury counts. Every other observer, including the 11 other jurors considered Hoskins a very credible witness.



A big part of the defense's case involved painting the prosecution as overzealous in its effort to convict Barry Bonds. First of all, shouldn't prosecutors and federal investigators be zealous in pursuit of a criminal. Secondly, I detest the notion that this crime wasn't big enough to pursue because it was a mostly victimless crime. Why would anyone ever tell a grand jury the truth if there was no penalty for lying? Or should there be a penalty, just not for Barry Bonds or other famous people? Lastly, does the government's zeal mean Bonds didn't commit a crime?

Here's what's going to happen next: the Feds (tired of public opinion turned against them) will offer Bonds a deal. They will agree not to pursue a retrial on the three charges that hung this jury, if Bonds agrees not to appeal to the obstruction conviction. That will mean 6 months of house arrest for Bonds.

Barry Bonds will never go to jail. Or the Hall of Fame.

Tough Guy Cops Beat Unruly Pirates Fan

There's not much to get excited about at a Pittsburgh Pirates game and there's probably a 1 to 1 ratio of cops to fans, which could explain this scene.



Why did the first cop hit the guy in the side of the head? There was no reason to do that? He seemed to be taking his ejection in stride. So he gave one guy a forearm shiver, big deal. But I loved the way the guy just stood there after the first strike.

Song of the Week

"Goodbye Game" - Chrisette Michele
Another strong soulful performance by my new favorite chanteuse.
Plus, Grandma Poop and Chase play the goodbye game before they hang up the phone.

Chase Picks Wrong Role Model

During the winter, prior to one bad snowstorm, my employer put me up in a hotel in Manhattan for the night to ensure I would be able to make it into the city early the next morning.
Chase was so distraught he couldn't come with me to the hotel, Grandma Poop decided to create a phony "Hotel Chase" for them to play.
There is a minibar to stock, bags to carry to rooms, mints to place on pillows, reservations to take and most importantly customer satisfaction surveys to take following a guest's stay.
For this there is a staff: reservations clerk (Julian), maintenance man (me), belldog (Diesel) and hotel manager (Mrs. Poop). Unfortunately Grandma Poop gave Chase a moniker that was already taken: The Concierge.
Now Chase tells everyone he is a concierge, including his teachers:

A Pretty Good Consolation Prize

Jason Day may not have won the Masters but his wife Ellie has to be making him feel pretty good anyway.
In fact, Tiger Woods shot 5-under on the front 9 and seemed to lose his focus on the back. Perhaps he saw Ellie Day on the fairway.

The cameras seemed to focus on her for every shot hit by her husband, but still I couldn't find good pictures of her on Google.

This one is too blurry.


This one was clearly shot from a TV screen, the program info is still there.


It looks like she's giving me the finger in this one.


Ok, that looks a little better.


She even looks hot dressed as a caddy.

Idol Chatter

Biggest outrage in the history of American Idol. Pia was clearly the best singer, the hottest idol contestant, (maybe ever) she was likable, I just don't get it.

A few theories:

1) the voters are overwhelmingly teenaged girls. They vote for male contestants, to wit, the first five people voted off so far this year are all female.

2) Pia was too hot. She made the aforementioned teenage girls and older women feel insecure about themselves, or she reminded them of a pretty girl who was mean to them in high school

3) Simon is gone. Without Simon to bash the weaker contestants, the stronger ones, like Pia did not stand out. The judge's praise every contestant all the time (except Randy occasionally) which likely energizes voters for people like Stefano. Also, I doubt they would have saved Casey so early in the season if Simon had been around.

4) Prejudice. When reached for comment, Joe Pesci said, "Can you believe this shit? Prejudice 'gainst 'Talians? In this day and age? What is this world comin' to, Hendry?"

Note: Reader JustMan contributed that witty remark

5) Too many ballads. Pia's song choice was repeatedly called into question as she sang ballads every week. She killed them, admittedly, but some may have found it boring. When she finally went uptempo perhaps some people found the effort uninspiring

6) Gwen Stefani sabotaged her. What the fuck was that thing Pia was wearing?



No matter what the reason it as an absolute travesty that she didn't even make the top 8. Our only consolation would come if she is a complete washout in the music industry and has to resort to softcore porn.



A few other non-Pia related thoughts:
Jacob was also in the bottom 3. If he gets voted out who the fuck is going to win this thing? Scotty? He's one of the few left who I don't think has been in the bottom 3.

The Hulk Hogan appearance was very cheesy.

I call Casey "bearded Taylor Hicks" and James is "Adam Lambert on Ritalin."

I hate Naima's reggae performance of an Elton John song. Good idea but why couldn't she have done the exact same thing without the phony accent.

Would anyone have complained if they randomly decided to give the judge's another save?

Despite what I have said previously about Hayley's legs I really don't like her face and I think she overdoes the huskiness in her voice.

I do like that this year they have been showing more behind the scene's stuff. The results shows seem less boring for whatever reason. Though I always scan through the awful performances by people like Constantine Maroulis and Iggy Pop.

Chase thought Russell Brand and Constantine were the same person.

Hayley seemed interested in a threesome with Brand and Katy Perry.

Chase's Life as a Dog

Every parent worries. We all hope our child will grow up to become a happy, healthy person. With Chase, I just hope he grows up to be a person.
He seems to be going through an identity crisis right now. He has at least 5 imaginary dogs (his girlfriend Sarah once said to Mrs. Poop after school "Chase's mommy, can I come to your house and play with your three dogs), so he thinks he is a dog, this manifests itself in the following ways:
1) he pantomimes pooping in the grass and demands that we pick up his poop
2) he pantomimes urinating on trees by lifting his leg
3) after doing 1 and 2 he kicks the dirt to spread his scent
4) he refuses to hold hands while crossing the street because he insists he is on a leash
5) everyday when I get home he is lying under the table barking "arf! arf!"
6) he sleeps on the floor and not his bed
7) he thinks his Kix are kibbles