Free Prostate Exam

Check out this goal celebration in the Iranian soccer league:



While I think this was an accidental grab and squeeze, you can tell the squeezee wasn't pleased, as he swatted the offending hand away.

Lest you think this was merely harmless, grabass hijinks, don't forget this took place in Iran. Both players, even the unwilling participant, are banned forever from Iranian soccer stadia because of "immoral behavior."

We Would Never Pull This on Chase

Jimmy Kimmel challenged parents of America to tell their kids they had eaten all the Halloween candy, and record the reactions and post them to youtube. Kimmel compiled the best ones into this clip:



My favorite is the one who said "dad, you're ugly."

Happy Halloween

2011 was another great Halloween. Despite the weather, the subsequent power outage and the weekday timing, most of our neighborhood was home and gladly distributing candy. Except there was one house completely cordoned off with "Danger/Peligro" tape. I thought to myself, what cool Halloween decorations. Until I realized the house actually was taped off because of a downed power line in the front yard.
Chase remembered to say "trick or treat" at nearly every house but mostly forgot his "thank yous." His favorite part may have been giving the candy to the kids who came to our door, though there were few since we stayed out for nearly two hours.
Julian didn't really have a favorite part. He didn't like being in the stroller that long and he didn't like have the dragon's hood over his head.

Hall of Famer Dan Uggla

Despite one of the worst starts to a season anyone has ever had (568 OPS through July 4th) Braves second baseman Dan Uggla is still on his path for Cooperstown.
Here's where I originally suggested Uggla's homers and RBI from a second baseman could be good enough to make the Hall of Fame.
This season Uggla hit 36 home runs (a career high), giving him at least 30 for the fifth straight season. No other second baseman in major league history has reached 30 homers more than three times overall.
Through 6 seasons he has 192, meaning he could easily have 400 after 14 or 15 years. He only needs 352 to be the all-time leader among second baseman.

The NFL is Poop - Week 8

Can't Figure Out the Saints
It was just three short weeks ago that the Saints were 4-1 with their only loss being to the Packers. The 4-game winning streak was snapped by the ExpensiveCornPrices. They bounced back from that defeat with the biggest blowout in modern NFL history. Then they lost to the previously winless Rams. And they allowed 31 points to a team that had been averaging only 9. Turnovers are part of it but more importantly, they just do not have a good, consistent defense, especially against the run.

Or the Chiefs
After their last game against the Chargers the Chiefs were left for dead. They were 0-3 and they had been outscored 109-27. Now the Chiefs are on a 4-game winning streak. And with the Raiders struggling with an injured QB and the Chargers doing their normal disappointing shenanigans the Chiefs look like a pretty decent bet to make the playoffs.

The Year of the (Rookie) Quarterback
Five quarterbacks were taken in the first 35 picks of the 2011 NFL Draft. Cam Newton (1), Jake Locker (8), Blaine Gabbert (10), Christian Ponder (12) and Andy Dalton (35). Four of them are starting and their accomplishments are very impressive. Cam Newton is setting all kids of rookie passing records. Andy Dalton led his team to a 4-0 record in October. Ponder rescued the Vikings from Donovan McNabb and nearly beat the Packers before triumphing over the Panthers. If I had to project right now I would say Newton will be a huge star, Ponder will be a good QB, Dalton will be a good game-manager who wins but never puts up big numbers. And one or both of Gabbert and Locker will be busts.

The Tim Tebow Excitement Wore Off Quickly
So many people want to believe in Tim Tebow. I would love to see him succeed. But it is not going to happen. As I have said before, he possesses every single trait you need to be a great NFL quarterback, except, he can't throw. And he couldn't bring his team back heroically in this one. In a 45-10 loss to the Lions he completed only 18 of 39 passes for not even 4 and a half yards per attempt. He was also sacked 7 times. I predict Tebow will not even last the season as the starting QB. And even if he does, he will never start another game at QB in the NFL after this year.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
The Redskins stink. John Beck is not good. I have no idea what Shanahan saw in him that led him to dump Rex Grossman after one bad game. But without Tim Hightower, Chris Cooley and Santana Moss this offense can't move the ball. And they can't protect Beck to give him time to find a receiver. The Bills sacked him 9 times, more than doubling their season total to this point. And the defense, which had held up well in the first four games as completely collapsed under the weight of carrying this team.

Who is the Second Best Team in the NFL?
We all know that the Packers are the best team with a perfect 7-0 record. Deciding who is next is a little more difficult. There is only 1 team with a 6-1 record, the San Francisco 49ers. And they're only loss was that overtime killer to the Cowboys in Week 2. And they have beaten some teams with good records Detroit (5-2), Cincinnati (5-2) and Tampa Bay (4-3). Which means they still have 2 games each with St. Louis and Arizona. They could easily win 11 games, 13 if they really are this good.

Pictures of the Week
A disappointing number of teams dressed their cheerleaders up in Halloween costumes. The best coming to us from Tennessee and Baltimore.





If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Green Bay Packers 31 Pittsburgh Steelers 25
The Steelers take the AFC's top spot by beating the Patriots. But neither of those two teams looks Super Bowl worthy right now. A lot still to shake out in the AFC.

Song of the Week

"Break Even" - The Script

Weekly Picks

Doing these from the Blackberry because the power is out.

BALTIMORE -12 1/2 arizona

philadelphia -3 dallas

indianapolis +9 TENNESSEE

CAROLINA -3 1/2 minnesota

Best bet
Detroit -3 DENVER

Last week: 3-2 (2 points)
Season: 19-16 (20 points)
Best Bets: 0-1 (4-3)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (8-6)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 1-1 (4-6)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (7-4)

Nothing to Apologize For

Rob Gronkowski has nothing to be sorry about. The Patriots tight end was pictured with porn star BiBi Jones. She was wearing his jersey, he was not.



This created quite a fitrestorm and eventually led to Gronk apologizing to Robert Kraft. Apparently, they think he sullied the Patriots image by allowing a porn star to wear the precious jersey.

The only good part of this fiasco is that the world was introduced to BiBi Jones, who is apparently a major groupie. She says she did not fuck Gronkowski, but she did sleep with Phoenix Coyotes player Paul Bissonette and Dan Uggla (that should get him into the Hall of Fame). She also claims she was used as a recruiting tool for an agent. He took her to spring training in Arizona in 2010 and would take her out to bars at night.

"You know, baseball players would come and I’d introduce myself. And then I got to hook up with baseball players and have fun. It was like a dream come true because I love athletes and baseball’s my favorite sport."

Jones claimed that she slept with "more than 10" players.

But Jones says she didn't fuck Gronkowski even though she wanted to.

Gronkowski should feel remorse about that.

The NFL is Poop - Week 7

It's Tebow Time
The debate over Tim Tebow is reaching a boiling point with each side gaining more ammunition based on his performance in the Broncos 18-15 over the Miami Dolphins. The Tebow supporters were heartened by him pulling victory from the jaws of defeat, the first ever comeback of more than 14 points in less than 3 minutes. "He's a winner," they say.
The Tebow detractors point to his performance in the first 55 minutes when he was absolutely dreadful, 4 for 14 for 40 yards. "He'll never have a comeback like that against a real team."
I'm firmly in the second camp, with one exception. I really, really, really, really like Tim Tebow. I think he is a hell of a guy and I love him as a player. But not as a quarterback. I do think there is a large psychological component to the position. I think it does take a special kind of person to make the big play when the game is on the line.
Unfortunately, I also think throwing arm and accuracy are way more important traits. And I don't believe he has them, or can learn them.



Old-Fashioned Ass-Whupping
The Saints put a hurt on the Colts, the worst beating in the history of the modern NFL. 62 points tied a post-merger record, as did the 55-point margin of victory. They scored every single time they had the ball until the very last drive, 5 touchdowns, 2 field goals, then three more touchdowns, the last of which came on an interception return. Just a complete and total domination.

How Much Does a Quarterback Really Matter?
Last year the Colts were 10-6 and made the playoffs. This year they are 0-7. The biggest difference. Peyton Manning is not playing.

How Much Does a Quarterback Really Matter? II
The Raiders were 4-2 with the good, not great, Jason Campbell running the team. He got hurt and Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer combined to throw 6 interceptions in a 28-0 loss to the Chiefs, who were averaging 30 points per game entering this game.

Suck for Luck
Dolphins fans didn't even seem too upset by their historic collapse against the Broncos. They are hoping the Fins can "Suck for Luck" and get the first draft pick, which will allow them to take Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. Problem is, they may not be the only winless team tanking. The Colts and Rams are equally atrocious, but neither of those two teams is as desperate for a QB as Miami. The Rams have Bradford, and unless Manning is too hurt to ever play again, the Colts will give him a few more years, since they paid him so much money. It'll be interesting to see if the Dolphins blatantly start dumping games in order to draft him.

I Have Seen the Light
I wasn't convinced before the season started, but now I am sure, Cam Newton is going to be a big star in this league for a very long time. He is not the White Tim Tebow or the Sane Vince Young. He's more like a better Daunte Culpepper. He is a great running quarterback as shown on a ridiculous run he had early in the first quarter against the Redskins, while evading about 5 tacklers. But Newton doesn't run at the first sign of trouble, he doesn't need to, he's a great passer. He's not in the Brady, Brees, Rodgers class of guy who throw the ball to open spots with perfect accuracy to let their receivers catch it, but he's close. He nailed so many perfect throws, especially to Steve Smith. It was very impressive to watch.



A Brief Rant About the Redskins
All the hope I had after the 3-1 start is gone. The offense stinks and now it's being run by John Beck who is not as good as Rex Grossman, but for some reason the Shanahans like him better. Now Chris Cooley and Tim Hightower are out for the season and Santana Moss is out until December. The offense looks even worse. And the defense which had been great couldn't tackle Cam Newton or defend Steve Smith.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Green Bay Packers 31 New England Patriots 14
The Packers got a scare from Christian Ponder but held on. The Patriots will solidify their spot if they can beat the Steelers this week.

Song of the Week

"Real Love remix" - Mary J Blige featuring Notorious B.I.G.
One of the funniest moments in my life occurred during this song. We're at a crowded bar and TON's friend KayTee points his finger straight up in the air. He gives us just enough time to look around and act confused because we have no idea what he is pointing at. Then we hear "Look up in the sky..." Genius



Note: That awesome beat is a sample from Betty Wright's "Clean Up Woman"

Stand Up for Gary Carter

25 years ago today Gary Carter stepped to the plate with no one on, two men out and his team trailing by 2 runs.
Carter singled to center field to start the most amazing rally in the history of baseball (stakes included).
Now Carter faces a much tougher opponent, cancer. Carter is battling brain cancer with chemotherapy and other treatments.
His former batterymate Ron Darling "stands up" for Carter in a new ad.

The Greatest Day of My Life

There was a time in life when I was young and innocent. I always believed. And why not? I rooted for the Mets, the 1986 Mets in particular.
Those Mets were one of the greatest teams in the history of baseball. And it wasn't just that they won, it was the way the won.
Like July 3rd, when they trailed 5-3 in the 10th inning and then Darryl Strawberry homered to tie it and Ray Knight who had already struck out 4 times, homered in his 5th at bat to win it.
Or July 22nd, when the Mets beat the Reds in 14 innings while shuffling relievers between the mound and the outfield after several players got ejected during a bench-clearing brawl. I have described this game as one of my favorite games ever.
Or the entire NLCS against the Astros. The Mets constantly had their backs to the wall but they always won. They always believed and so did I.

25 years ago today, the Mets staged their greatest comeback.

Trailing by two runs, with two out and nobody on Gary Carter singled.

I don't remember exactly how I felt at the moment, but I know I hadn't given up the way I would have now.

Kevin Mitchell singled.

I remember watching this game with my entire family. We were crammed onto my parents bed.

Ray Knight singled. Gary Carter scored. Kevin Mitchell advanced to third.



At some point my mom admitted this game was "a little exciting."

Bob Stanley throws a wild pitch. Kevin Mitchell scores to tie the game. Ray Knight advances to second.



"Here comes Mitchell! Here comes Mitchell!"

And then it happened. The moment of pure joy and happiness that has stayed with me for 25 years.

Mookie Wilson hits a slow roller down the first base line.

Then Bob Murphy utters the 3 greatest words in the English language:

"Gets By Buckner!"

And in that moment we all started jumping on my parents' bed, as I am sure young kids all over New York did the same.



I'm getting chills while writing this. It was 25 years ago.

What an incredible moment. Proof that anything can happen, as long as you keep trying to make it happen.

The ensuing 25 years have not been kind to those Mets. Two days later (there was a rainout), they won the World Series. Three days later Dwight Gooden missed the victory parade because he was snorting coke in a hotel room. A confession he made only recently, though everyone knew it for years. Gooden served a suspension for drugs at the beginning of 1987 and the rest of the pitching staff was wracked by injuries. Then in 1988 the Mets lost in the NLCS to an inferior Dodgers team. By 1989 Carter and Hernandez and Mookie were too old and this amazing team only won one World Series.

Gooden and Strawberry were drug addicts. Kevin Mitchell was crazy too, reportedly killing a cat. Jesse Orosco, Doug Sisk and Danny Heep were the "Scum Bunch" who used to sit on the back of and drink and act like assholes. Gary Carter was media-obsessed and unpopular with his teammates.

But none of that mattered on October 25, 1986. All I know is the Mets won in the most impossible, unbelievable, exhilarating, thrilling and memorable fashion.

So memorable that it was turned into one of the greatest season highlight videos ever: "1986 Mets: A Year to Remember."

Note: that video uses the radio broadcast which is why I use Bob Murphy's "gets by Buckner" as opposed to Vin Scully's "gets through Buckner" even though I was watching on TV and listening to Scully at the time.

Over the years I have watched that video so many times and each time it brings me back to that moment on my parents' bed, with my family, jumping, screaming, hugging, and enjoying a moment the likes of which I have never seen in the 25 years since, and will likely never see again.

Say Yes to the Excess

I recently noticed an increase of hits for a very old post about a creepy cop, which was being prosecuted by fellow Susan Wagner High School alumnus Autumn Levine.
After I did some sleuthing I deduced the interest in Autumn stems from her recent appearance on TLC's wedding show "Say Yes to the Dress."



This video is only a minute long. But we can learn a few things. She still talks like a Staten Islander. She loves dark eye makeup. Her future husband is very rich. And she probably did get fake tits since high school, as rumored.

Weekly Picks

Got saved from disaster last week by the Jets. Salvaged three points and I am still on a pretty decent pace. I also think I learned a lot which I will apply to my picks this week.

NEW ORLEANS -14 1/2 indianapolis
I am worried about a spread this big but I love the Saints to win coming off that horrible loss to the ExpensiveCornPrices. A big win here would confirm what I believe about the league: always pick a good team coming off a bad loss or against a bad team coming off a good win. They should have the offensive fire power to bury Curtis Painter.

pittsburgh -3 1/2 ARIZONA
Good team versus bad team. Small spread because home field is overrated. Also the Steelers had a bad game last week against Jacksonville, no points in the second half. They should put up more points than that this week.

OAKLAND -3 1/2 kansas city
It doesn't matter who starts at quarterback. The Raiders are a good team, the Chiefs are a bad one and the spread is really small because of uncertainty. The Raiders are a team equipped to deal with a situation like this because they rely on their running game and defense. I'd rather see Palmer start because I think the whole "system" thing is incredibly overrated so coaches can prove their value. What matters is talent and the Raiders have more of it than the Chiefs.

houston +3 1/2 TENNESSEE
I think the Texans are a better team.

BEST BET
san diego chargers -1 NEW YORK JETS
I wonder if I have ever picked a team as my best bet one week, then picked against them as my best bet the very next week -- after they covered. Even in a big win, the Jets didn't seem very good. This is a big step up in competition and I expect them to lose.

Last week: 2-3 (3 points)
Season: 16-14 (18 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (4-2)
Home Favorites: 1-3 (7-5)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (0-0)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (3-5)
Road Underdogs: 1-0 (6-4)

A Yankee Fan I Actually Like

Leave it to the New York Post to put a New York-centric spin on the killing of Muammar Qaddafi. The Libyan rebel who claims to have fired the fatal bullet (there's no way of knowing for sure) was wearing a Yankee hat.
The post gives him credit on its cover "Khadafy Killed by Yankee Fan."
But the subheading was even better "Gunman had more hits than A-Rod."

Cain is Able

Presidential candidate Herman Cain used to run a company called Godfather's Pizza, unfamiliar to many of us on the East Coast. But apparently it was a big thing in the Midwest. Here's Cain in 1991 at the Omaha Press Club singing an ode to pizza to the tune of John Lennon's "Imagine."
His singing starts at :44



"Imagine there's no pizza
I couldn't if I tried
Eating only tacos
Or Kentucky Fried."

I really liked it, and think Cain is actually a pretty good singer. Several other big name musicians seem equally impressed and plan to release Cain-themed cover versions of their most popular songs.

Prince: "I only wanted to see you laughing in the ---, Herman Cain. Herman Cain, Herman Cain."

Wayne Newton: "Herman Cain, darling, Herman Cain. Thank you for, all the joy and pain."

Rob Base: "Joy. HermanCain. Sunshine. Rain."

Tay Zonday: "Herman Cain. Some stay dry while others feel the rain."

Update:
Scorpions: "Here I am. Rock you like a Herman Cain."

If you don't think it's funny, please click on the artist's name to hear the original.
If you still don't think it's funny try singing the new version out loud.
If you still don't think it's funny, you're a moron.

Thanks to Albino for his help on this

Song of the Week

"I'm a Thug" - Trick Daddy
There's a surprising number of good candidates for 2001. But I like this one the best. And I was trying to pick the song I liked the best, not the one that best exemplifies the era, or was the most popular.



Note: this seems to be an alternate version of the video. The original, in which he orders from Wings N Thangs cannot be embedded.

The NFL Is Poop - Week 6

Nice Game, Pal
The biggest story from Week 6 didn't even happen during a game. Everyone is talking about the postgame fight between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz. The seeds of discontent may have been sown earlier in the game. Harbaugh got a 15-yard penalty for challenging an unchallengeable play. It was a scoring play, and new for this season, all scoring plays are automatically reviewed. Schwartz allegedly made a comment similar to "know the rules" in Harbaugh's general direction.
After a close, tense game, the two met and midfield for a postgame handshake. An excited Harbaugh overzealousy shook Schwartz's hand and emphatically clapped him on the back.
It seemed like Schwartz said something, Harbaugh fired back, Schwartz chased him down and a melee ensued.



In my opinion, Schwartz greatly overreacted to Harbaugh's display of enthusiasm. But in order for there to be something to overreact to, there had to be an initial act and that is where Harbaugh is to blame.
I think they both embarrassed themselves and failed to act as leaders of men should. But if I have to pick one, and I do, that's what the poll demands, I will say Harbaugh was more wrong.




Topsy-Turvy World
I've talked about this many times in the past, but it always pays to be reminded, especially when trying to pick games, the NFL is a roller coaster. Teams play like shit next week, and world beaters the next. This week's examples: The ExpensiveCornPrices who lost to San Francisco by 45, then beat the Saints the next week. And the Giants who lost at home to Seattle and then beat the Bills.



White Guys Can Run, Can't Jump, But Can Run
There are very few white wide receivers in the NFL, but two of them have exploded for the biggest plays this season. There was Wes Welker outrunning everyone for a 99-yard TD against the Dolphins. And this week Aaron Rodgers hit Jordy Nelson for a 93-yard TD against St. Louis.



Ain't That a Shame
A couple weeks ago, I marveled at what I thought was an unusual occurrence. Two different quarterbacks both named Jason Campbell. Until Billy informed me that the Jason Campbell playing so capably for the Raiders was in fact the same Jason Campbell who used to play so poorly for the Redskins. Now, Jason Campbell's career renaissance has been delayed due to a broken collar bone. That's unfortunate for Campbell and for the Raiders. Backed into a corner with a solid running game and a good defense, they had no choice but to get a new quarterback. Unfortunately they had to drastically overpay, two first round picks, for Carson Palmer. But with Oakland at 4-2, they couldn't just trust their season to Kyle Boller.



Picture of the Week
Unsung hero and one of my favorite players in the league, Ovie Mughelli (Oh-vee Muh-hail-ee), celebrates after scoring a touchdown. Part of a dying breed of fullbacks, Mughelli has touched the ball only about 100 times in his 6-year career.




A Brief Rant About the Redskins
How quickly things change. On Saturday the Redskins were in first place with a surprising Rex Grossman enjoying a career revival. On Monday the Redskins are struggling and in the midst of a quarterback controversy. Despite the horrid start, the Redskins had several chances to get back in this game. The turning point should have come when OJ Atogwe picked off Michael Vick at the 1-yard line, preventing the Eagles from extending their 20-6 lead. Ok, so a 99-yard drive is too much to ask. But the Redskins got the ball back at the Eagles 18, and Grossman was intercepted. Then they stopped the Eagles on 4th down and Grossman was intercepted again. At that point Shanahan had no choice but to go to John Beck. But it was too late.
The question is: who should Shanahan start now? A tough stretch is coming up at Carolina, at Buffalo, San Francisco, three teams who are much better than we thought they would be. I think he should stick with Grossman. If the Redskins can keep games close, he likely won't make the mistakes he made against the Eagles when he was forcing the ball in order to lead a big comeback.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Green Bay Packers 35 New England Patriots 21
Am I ever going to be able to put a different team in one of these two slots for the rest of the season? Probably not. So I will keep playing around with the score. This week I use the score from when the Packers beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXI.

Legal Sea Food Ads

My favorite seafood joint, Legal Sea Food is out with a series of cheeky new ads. They start as faux-environmental ads with messages like "Save the Trout" but they end with "save the trout so we can grill that baby up real nice."
As an environmentalist, an animal lover, a food lover, someone who believes the natural order of the universe allows even requires animals to eat other animals, and an avowed smartass, I love the ad campaign.
But of course the PETA wackos are up in arms over it.

It's Getting Ugly

Senator Scott Brown was elected two years ago in a special election after the death of Ted Kennedy. He has to run for re-election next year and already the Democrats are lining up against him. Elizabeth Warren, who was the TARP cop for the Obama Administration pulled out the dagger first.
When asked how she paid for college, Warren said "I didn't pose naked."
Brown did, in Cosmopolitan when he was 22.



When Brown was asked about Warren's comment that she didn't pose naked, he said "Thank God."



Now women's groups are calling him sexist. Even if his remark was a little bit petty and catty, I don't blame him, for two reasons. First of all, she started it. Second of all, she's ugly.