Wednesday, June 04, 2008

What to Get the Met Fan Who Has Everything

With Father's Day and some key birthdays coming up (Josh and Nails) I thought I might share some really cool gift ideas I saw on the Mets website.

There's an inflatable glove chair.

Mets inflatable glove chair

And there's also a grill designed to look like a beer keg.

Mets keg grill



Note: I do not want either of these items. Please, Mama Poop do not buy these things for me. I mean it.

Note: SCZA could have had both these items for roughly the same price as his Mr. Met cake.

Numbnuts

Sameer Mishra won the 81st Annual Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling guerdon. But Sameer's road to the title was a bumpy one.



Let that be a lesson to you kids, a good sense of humor and a working knowledge of words of French etymology will get you far in life.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Holy Shit

A drunk driver apparently passed out behind the wheel and crashed into a bike race on a highway in Mexico, near the U.S. border.
One cyclist, from the U.S. was killed, 10 other riders were hurt.

bike crash

This picture is fuckin crazy, you can see people getting tossed in the air, shoes and helmets flying. This borracho must have been driving pretty fast to do this much damage and for the bike riders not to have seen him coming and have time to react.

One Ball, No Strikes

One ball may be all Marlins catcher Matt Treanor has left after taking this pitch off the stones.



I could listen to Harry Kalas talk about anything but he seems less than concerned about Treanor's pain.

And if Treanor needs to lay off his husbandly duties for a while, I'm sure TON would be happy to help out around the house.


Matt Treanor and Misty May

Monday, June 02, 2008

Baseball is Poop - 54 Game Stat Recap Edition

Can Chipper Jones Hit .400?
No, unless he plays the Mets everyday. Hitting .400 in this day and age is nearly impossible. Look at it this way, if you go 2 for 5 in every game and go 1 for 3 on the last day of the season, technically, that's below .400.
Over the weekend he already started to falter and he's 1 oh-fer game from being below .400.
Even so this is the longest into the season I can remember anyone taking a .400 average since Lenny Dykstra in 1990. Dykstra had one stretch where he went 4 for 25 and dropped his average 30 points. His last day above .400 was June 11. He finished the year at .325.
Even Tony Gwynn in 1994, when he batted .394 in the strike shortened season was never above .400 after May 15. But after April 26 his average was never lower than .376.
And the closest to .400 anyone ever got since Ted Williams (other than Gwynn in that short season) was George Brett in 1980. But that year Brett got off to a slow start, and even though he caught fire in July and August, his peak average was .407.

Look Out Denny McClain
With 10 wins in 12 starts Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon Webb has an outside shot at being the first pitcher to win 30 games since Denny McClain in 1968. First of all he would need to get 36 starts, which would require Arizona always skipping their 5th starter to keep him on schedule. And even so, if his losses and no decisions equal 5 for the rest of the season he'd have no chance. I think even winning 25 would be tough (15 wins in 23 or 24 starts) but if he can win 28, that would be the most since McClain.

Finish What You Start
The Toronto Blue Jays lead the majors in ERA, and NOT coincidentally, they lead the majors in complete games too. Six may not sound like much but it's twice as many as any other team, except the Indians. 8 teams have none. In fairness, Roy Halladay has 5 of those, including four in a row, but the rest of the guys pitch deep as well.
Jesse Litsch, Roy Halladay and Shaun Marcum are a combined 18-9 with a 2.90 ERA.

He's Not a Man, He's a Machine, An RBI Machine
Josh Hamilton has 63 RBI in 58 games, putting him on pace for 176 for a full season. The postwar record is 165 by Manny Ramirez in 1999. Hamilton has 5 games of 4 RBI or more, helped by 2 grand slams in 6 bases loaded at bats. He leads the AL in homers (by 1), RBI (by 15) and only trails in batting average by two points which means he could be gunning for the first triple crown since 1967.

Other Feats, Facts and Figures
Francisco Rodriguez is on pace for 59 saves. Bobby Thigpen holds the record with 57.
Lance Berkman is on pace for 159 runs, which would be the most since Jeff Bagwell scored 152 times in 2000. It would put him 5th since 1900.
Right now 8 players have an OPS over 1.000. Albert Pujols and Chase Utley are to be expected, and Lance Berkman and Chipper Jones can be understood, but Ryan Ludwick and Nate McLouth? Dan Uggla and Pat Burrell are the other 2.
Speaking of OPS, Adam Dunn and Josh Hamilton are almost identical in OPS. Dunn has the same homers in 66 fewer ABs. Plus he has 26 more walks.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I can't find a good closeup still picture of James Thompson's busted up ear so this one will have to do. This picture (I also put it in the other post) was taken after Kimbo Slice busted the ear open, and you can see him landing a solid blow, this is probably the uppercut that led the ref to step in.

James Thompson's cauliflower ear


Here's the best youtube clip I could find of the third round, the audio sync is off but it's pretty good quality, when the ref has Thompson up against the cage you can see how nasty the ear was. Unfortunately CBS didn't have the best angle of the shot that split the ear open.

Elite XC Gets Pretty Decent Ratings

From the New York Times:
CBS’s broadcast of the Elite XC mixed martial arts program Saturday night — the first on a broadcast network in prime time — generated a preliminary national rating of a 2.7, or an average of 4.3 million viewers. The viewership fell from the 5.9 million CBS generated this season for the crime series that usually run Saturday nights on the network. But the national rating covered the 9 to 11 p.m. Eastern time period and did not include the main event, won by Kimbo Slice over James Thompson. In Nielsen Media’s 54 metered markets, the rating peaked at a 4.7 from 11:30 to 11:45, when Slice fought.

The 9-11 p.m. portion finished first against CBS’s competition in young male and young adult demographics. Still, the 4.3 million viewers who watched the much-hyped Elite XC program fell short of the 5.9 million who watched the Rampage Jackson-Dan Henderson U.F.C. lightweight title fight on the Spike cable channel in September.


That actually seems like a pretty good rating, 4.7 in the quarter hour when the Kimbo fight aired. That's pretty good for that late on a Saturday night. I bet it would have been even better had the fight aired on time.
At least to me these don't seem like disastrous ratings that would encourage CBS to back out of the deal. But I'm sure a lot of the viewers were just curious and may not tune in again, leading to a sharp dropoff next time they host a card.
I think the next card on CBS will be Kimbo vs Brett "The Grim" Rogers, sometime in late August.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Night at the Fights

The launch of EliteXC (at least on CBS) was a successful one (at least from my in arena perspective). Here's my recap of events (in chronological order, roughly) of the fights.

Since I don't know all that much about the techniques involved in MMA I'll leave that stuff out or just repeat what the fight doctor, TON told me.

We got there pretty early because we wanted to see the undercard/dark matches.

The crowd was pretty good, as you would expect it was mostly young men, in Tapout t-shirts, but it was pretty ethnically diverse and there were more women than I expected, and quite a few good looking ones.

We were really impressed with a 140 pounder named Wilson Reis. He's a jiu-jitsu guy who also appeared to have a pretty decent standup. He tried several submission holds before finally winning with a rear naked choke. He may be too small to ever make a name in UFC but he was really impressive and fun to watch. After his fight he came and joined some family members in the audience right in front of us. He enjoyed the rest of the fights while sitting on the stairs. And he kept taking pictures with people, posing with a fist aimed at their chin. I was going to ask if we could take a picture of him putting me in a rear naked choke, but I decided against it.

The next fight was one of the weirdest fights with a very disappointing ending. Nick Serra, brother of Matt fought, and basically gave up. I can't even really explain it, he jumped and landed on his back, then got up, got kicked in the leg, jumped again and never got up. It was ruled as TKO, apparently he said he could not continue.

The fight after that featured a quitter also. Carlos Moreno did not answer the bell for the second round after getting pounded by former Pittsburgh Steeler Carlton Haselrig.

A little bit before 9, when the CBS broadcast began, they announced that everyone could move down to fill up the lower levels. Evidently they only sold about 8,000 tickets, probably about half of the tickets available.

So everyone started making a mad dash down the steps to the lower bowl. Apparently they didn't alert arena security about this change because when we got down there an overwhelmed security guard was screaming into her walkie-talkie, "they're everywhere."

After that scramble we got pretty decent seats for the part of the card that would be televised live.

Brett "The Grim" Rogers came out to Busta Rhymes, live. Busta actually entered the cage and continued his performance while Rogers came out. Then Rogers knocked out John Murphy in the first round.

Murphy went to Syracuse University to play football but never quite made it, in a story that's too long to tell here.

Another quick knockout came from Joey Villasenor. He knocked out New York Bad Ass Phil Baroni who came out to an elaborate intro, then left in a cloud of shame. He used to be in the UFC but with a 10-10 record I can't see his MMA career going much further from here.

Then was the chick fight, Gina Carano vs. Kaitlin Young. In case you don't know, Carano is kind of hot. She was Crush on American Gladiators. And she can also fight a little. She landed a bunch of good shots, but also took some punishment before finishing off Young who was ruled medically unable to continue, after the 2nd round because of a nasty cut.

Carano didn't make weight, coming in 4 1/2 pounds over. Afterward she said she didn't really focus on her conditioning enough. She reportedly gave 12% of her purse to Young in order for Young to take the fight anyway.

The next fight was the worst of the night, but mostly because of the ending. Robbie Lawler and Scott Smith started off very slowly, not even touching each other for what seemed like an eternity. The bloodthirsty crowd even started to boo. But once these guys got going it was a pretty even fight. It was almost entirely standup with each guy landing a lot of good punches and even a few good kicks. Unfortunately late in the third round, Lawler poked Smith right in the eye. The fight was stopped for a doctor to check out Smith. After shining her light in the wrong eye, she eventually ruled that he couldn't continue. Smith afterward said he just wanted a few minutes, but once you tell the ring doctor you can't see, she's not going to let you get back in there and take more punches. The fight was ruled a no-contest, but the President of EliteXC immediately booked a rematch and said he would pay both fighters the winner's bonus. Smith admitted in his postfight interview that had the fight kept going he probably would have gotten knocked out, but he'd rather get knocked out than end in a no contest.

Finally we got to the main event, featuring internet legend Kimbo Slice. The place was a electric for Kimbo. Even though he's relatively new, the crowd was so into him. The atmosphere was really awesome, and that's the main reason I wanted to see this in person.

As far as the fight went, Kimbo displayed a lot of strengths and weaknesses, both. His ground game and his defense are a lot better than people might have thought, but he was still very vulnerable to the ground game. You could see that he would have killed James Thompson had they stayed up, but when he got to the ground Thompson dominated him. But Kimbo showed some incredible strength to basically push out of some holds.
I don't think he was expecting this fight to be as difficult as it was, nor was he conditioned enough to fight three rounds.
He was really getting his ass kicked at the end of the second round as Thompson had him down against the cage and was dropping elbows on him. It could definitely have been a stoppage but I think the ref held off because Kimbo was defending himself. He was moving his head and his arms to try to avoid the elbows, which I think was enough for the ref to keep the fight going. But Kimbo definitely got saved by the bell.

Kimbo was incredibly exhausted at this point, but he came out for round 3 and landed a bomb to Thompson's badly cauliflowered ear. The ear busted open then Kimbo landed a few more shots before the ref stopped it. I think the ref may have stopped it too soon because I don't think Thompson was out, nor do I think he couldn't have come back if the fight had gone on.

Kimbo Slice pounded James Thompson's cauliflower ear

Maybe some people will talk about a fix, but I don't think so. And some people were suggesting that CBS would throw a tomato can against Kimbo just so he could get a win on TV. But Thompson was anything but. He was taking incredible shots, employing a perfect strategy against Kimbo, and doing some damage of his own.

A couple of other notes: there were dancers around the lower level and on the walkway to the cage the whole time. They were definitely local strippers.

There was a small baby at the fight, and a few seconds after we noticed that, the baby's mother started breastfeeding. Definitely not something we expected to see at an MMA event.

The timing was a disaster for CBS and EliteXC. I can't believe they allowed it to go almost an hour over the allotted time, especially since there were a couple of quick knockouts. I have no idea what the fuck they were doing half the time.

A lot of people DVR these things, especially young men on Saturday nights, and even though that doesn't matter for the ratings, if you want people to get hooked on this, you can't alienate them. Plus the Kimbo fight was so awesome, reducing its audience is a horrible mistake.

Also I'm sure local CBS affiliates were not pleased about pushing back the late local news.

All in all I must say I really enjoyed myself at this event. Overall I give the experience a B+ because two fighters quit, and the last two fights had disappointing ends. But all of the 5 CBS fights were very entertaining, and I hope EliteXC puts on more cards and attracts some more talent.

Friday, May 30, 2008

$15 Off a Suck and Fuck

After American Airlines announced that it would charge passengers $15 per checked bag, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch came out with this press release:

CARSON CITY, Nev., May 27 /PRNewswire/ -- Today, in the wake of recent airline announcements that travelers will be charged $15 to check their first piece of luggage, a beloved Nevada institution is looking to offer its own fly-in customers something special on the ground...

The World-Famous Moonlite Bunny Ranch, has announced that it will reimburse any customer the $15 baggage fee who shows their claim stub at the brothel. The rebate -- similar to the stimulus tax-return checks currently being mailed by the U.S. government -- are intended to stimulate a warm feeling in Bunny Ranch patrons who might otherwise feel screwed at 30,000 feet without even joining the Mile-High Club.

"As long as the airlines keep sticking it to the consumer, we feel obligated to help," explains Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch. "And we won't ask what's in your luggage, even though the girls may be curious. We're all about helping the little guy -- so to speak."


If you don't have HBO then you might not know that the Moonlite Bunny Ranch is the brothel featured in "Cathouse."

15 bucks off a piece of Isabella Soprano

Point Spreads Are Only For the Gamblers Right?

The Lakers beat the Spurs 100-92 to advance to the NBA Finals. After Tony Parker hit a 3 to cut the lead to 5, with 10 seconds remaining the Spurs game up. But Sasha Vujacic kept playing, nailing a 3 as time expired to give the Lakers an 8-point win.



Oh yeah, the Lakers were favored by 7 1/2. I shit you not. Here's the screen grab from USA Today to prove it.

Maybe Her Boobs Got in The Way

Mariah Carey throws (rolls?) out the first pitch at a baseball game in Japan.



I really think her giant bazoombas inhibited her follow-through. I think she would have thrown a strike, pre-enhancement.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Kuff and the Buttheads

I've seen Kuff and the Buttheads several times on Mets Weekly and never been really impressed (the Endy Chavez and Joe Smith songs sucked), but the latest song they showed, about John Maine, was so awesome I decided to share it, and a couple of their other hits.

"John Maine"



"Johan Santana"



"Forget Last Year"

From Slut to Mormon, Thanks Carrie

A young girl who went from slut to Mormon is blaming her whole ordeal on "Sex and the City."
ABC News has the story of "Lisa" who was a 14-year old living on Long Island when she got hooked on "Sex" which led to her getting hooked on sex, lowercase.
It was that year that she lost her virginity, snuck into bars to order Cosmos and cheated on her boyfriend, with 7 guys, in one week.
"Carrie smoked, so I smoked, Samantha looked at hooking up with random people as not a big deal, so that's what I did too," says Lisa.
Lisa remembers re-enacting one particular Samantha scene in her own life: Season 3, episode 39, in which the bachelorette-for-life scrunches her face up at her latest suitor and tells him she doesn't like the way he...tastes.
"That was something that happened to me. I used her exact words: 'You have funky spunk.'"
Lisa left her "Samantha" ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon, married a man within the church and gave birth to two children. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch "Sex and the City" for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and cosmos.
"I had to sell my DVDs on eBay," she said.

I Bet She's a Master Baiter

Tiffany Shepherd was fired from her teaching job in Florida because she moonlights as a bikini mate for a charter fishing boat company.
Tiffany is listed as a 34 DD who likes playing with her monkey and hates people who drag their feet when they walk.
While she claims she needs the extra money for her three kids, and that she was always in a bikini, the fishing boat company does offer topless cruises.
I think firing her is a bit extreme, she's not really a sex worker, more like a model, this seems unfair.
But if she can make so much more money doing bikini cruises why not go after while your boobs are still perky?



Glad They Could Patch Things Up

New York Governor David Paterson granted British born rapper "Slick Rick" a full and unconditional pardon for attempted murder and weapons convictions to help him avoid deportation.

The rapper, whose real name is Ricky Walters, served six years of a possible 10-year sentence after pleading guilty in 1991 to two counts of attempted murder and eight weapons offenses for shooting his cousin and an innocent bystander.

He was released from prison in 1997 and discharged from parole supervision in 2000. Since then, he has been fighting deportation for his convictions. Under federal law, legal immigrants to the United States convicted of an aggravated felony or a weapon offense must be deported.

"Mr. Walters has fully served the sentence imposed upon him for his convictions, had an exemplary disciplinary record while in prison and on parole, and has been living without incident in the community for more than 10 years," Paterson said.

"In that time, he has volunteered at youth outreach programs to counsel youth against violence, and has become a symbol of rehabilitation for many young people," he said.

I Think Their Friend is Late

There's no I in Pens

Rachael Ray's Reign of Terror

Dunkin Donuts pulled this ad of Rachael Ray because her scarf looks like a kaffiyeh.



A kaffiyeh is a black and white checkered scarf traditionally worn by Palestinians. Because Yasser Arafat wore one it has become associated with Muslim extremism and terrorism.



I know it is not socially acceptable to call people terrorists, but that EVOO and yum-o bullshit are really fuckin annoying.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

John Sterling is An Idiot, Doncha Know

Yankee announcer John Sterling is one of the worst announcers in the history of the world. Because he caters to Yankee fans who love that sort of thing, he creates taglines and obnoxious cheers for each Yankee player. But he gets so involved in his stupid schtick that he doesn't pay attention to the game.




This is just one example, there are countless others, without even mentioning all the times he prematurely went into his "it is high, it is far" gimmick on fly balls that were eventually caught.

A New Place to Keep My Food

Mrs. Poop and I took advantage of the Memorial Day sales and bought a new fridge. The one we had was left to us by the previous owners and was very old. It still worked but a shelf broke making Mrs. Poop furious.
We were slightly constrained by the size limitations of our kitchen, but we were able to get a nice LG fridge (freezer on bottom) for a pretty decent price.





The delivery was scheduled for between 3pm and 5pm, so a little before 3 Mrs. Poop took the non-perishable items (drinks, etc.) out of the fridge and loaded up a bunch of things from the freezer into the cooler.
The deliverymen did not arrive until 6 pm, so I told Mrs. Poop not to tip them, but she did anyway.

Baseball is Poop

Jekyll and Hide
The Detroit Tigers are supposed to have the best offense in baseball. And when they get hot, they can score a lot of runs. They have 6 games of 10 runs or more, plus another 2 times they scored 9 runs. But they've also scored 1 run 6 times, and been shutout 8 times. The dichotomy of their offense is puzzling and combined with their inconsistent pitching, explains why they are in last place.

Welcome to the Big Leagues, Kid
Upstaging the impressive major league debut of Mets outfielder Nick Evans (3 doubles), Cincinnati Reds rookie Jay Bruce, one of the top prospects in all of baseball, also delivered a 3 for 3 day in his major league debut. With two walks and three hits, Bruce became the first player to reach base five times in a big league debut since Kaz Matsui did so for the Mets on April 6, 2004.
Bruce joined Daryl Boston (1984) and Bert Campaneris (1964) as the only players in the last 70 years to have three hits, two RBIs and one stolen base in a debut.
In recognition of his efforts, David Ross hit him in the face with a shaving cream pie during his postgame interview.

Great shot of Bruce connecting
Griffey telling Bruce that 20 years ago he was just like him

The Phillies Are On Phire
The vaunted Phillies offense erupted with 42 runs in the last 3 games. The 20 runs they hung on the Rockies was their most in almost 10 years.

How Are They Doing It?
Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee are second and third in the majors in RBIs but they're doing it without good table setters batting in front of them. Of their 91 RBIs, 27 came as a result of driving themselves in on home runs. And since Berkman has 56 runs scored, compared to 26 by Lee, we can assume Berkman has come home on many of Lee's RBIs. And yes, I know they have Miguel Tejada (.361 OBP) batting in front of them but the two supposed tablesetters are Michael Bourn (.275 OBP, horrible) and Kaz Matsui (.362 OBP, not bad), which makes Lee and Berkman even more impressive.
Lee is batting .318 with runners in scoring position and Berkman is hitting .347.

Carlos Lee, El Caballo, watches one of his 11 home runs leave the yard

Let's See That Again
Instant replay is definitely coming to baseball next season, but only for home run calls. There have been too many disputed home runs (or not home runs), and too many ballparks with strange features (like Houston's vertical yellow line) to risk getting a major call wrong. And the biggest drawback of replay, that it takes too long, is probably moot here because the discussions and ensuing arguments take longer than any replay review would.

Did Matt Holliday Back Up Cooper?
Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was a quarterback on the football team at the University of Tennessee, where he backed up Peyton Manning.
Colorado Rockies outfielder Seth Smith was a quarterback on the football team at the University of Mississippi, where he backed up Eli Manning.
Bonus fact: during Helton's (and Peyton's freshman year) the starting QB got injured and Helton replaced him. Manning didn't get into a game until Helton got hurt also.

Cool Picture of the Week
Umpire Jerry Crawford gets treatment from the Astros trainers after getting hit on the head by Carlos Lee's backswing.

Song of the Week

"Breakdown" - Mariah Carey featuring Krayzie Bone and Wish Bone
I love the cadence and pace of this song. It shows off everything people loved about Bone Thugs back then. Even though they barely do anything on this song it has that smooth laid back sound they're known for.
Plus I think this is the only song I ever heard that uses the word "nonchalant."



Record Label Link

Geremi Gonzalez Killed

Former Mets pitcher Geremi Gonzalez was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela on Sunday. He was 33.

Emergency management official Herman Bracho said yesterday that Gonzalez was struck by lightning at a beach.

Gonzalez pitched for five major-league teams from 1997-06. He started three games for the Mets during the 2006 season, when he was known as Jeremi.

One of his starts for the Mets was the incredibly memorable 7-6 win over the Yankees. Gonzalez gave up four runs in the top of the first but Beltran answered with a 3-run homer. The Mets eventually won on a walkoff single by David Wright off Mariano Rivera.

The righthander appeared in 131 games with 83 starts, compiling a 30-35 record. He won 11 games for the Cubs in 1997.

Gonzalez also played for Tampa Bay, Boston and Milwaukee. He made a combined 24 appearances for the Mets and Brewers in his final major-league season in 2006.

This is the only picture I had of him in a Mets uniform

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Most Delicious Truck Rollover Ever

A truck carrying 14 tons of Double Stuf Oreos overturned on Interstate 80 in Illinois.
The cookies, still in their plastic sleeves spilled onto road.
The driver fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

Mets and Braves Tied at 1...Stupid Fan Plunging to His Death While Being An Idiot

Justin Hayes, a 25-year old Braves fan, was drunk when he fell down a stairwell at Turner Field on Wednesday.
He fell between 50 and 150 feet from the club level to the landing on the field level during the eighth inning.
His parents and friends said he only had a couple of beers at the game and was just having fun, like he always does, and that's why he was sliding down the railing.
As you'll recall, an eerily similar incident (right down to the denials by the family) happened earlier this year at Shea Stadium.

Tempest in a D-Cup

The woman behind these large breasts brought down Maxime Bernier, Canada's Minister of Foreign Affairs. Julie Couillard, the owner of these bazoombas was dating Bernier, and at the time he left sensitive government documents at her house. That led to his resignation. But the real problem was Couillard. The old stodgy types in Canada's government didn't like her past associations with Hell's Angels, apparently she was something of a biker groupie, having married one biker and dated another.
But it seems they most disliked this dress that she wore to the swearing in ceremony last year.

Julie Couillard's big breasts
side boobie action

The Jason Giambi of French Soccer

We all know by now about Jason Giambi's gold thong that he wears to break slumps (it might work, he's 17 of his last 46) and lends to teammates to help them out.
French soccer player Vincent Muratori had his drawers inadvertantly revealed during a game, and maybe he too was in a slump.

Yankees Expletive Network

Listen to this clip from the YES Network.



When the announcers were discussing Staten Island's Terry Crowley who is now the hitting coach for the Orioles, an old clip of Earl Weaver talking shit about Crowley went out over the air.
Weaver said "Terry Crowley's lucky he's in fuckin baseball for Christ sakes. He was released by the Cincinnati Reds, he was released by the fuckin..."
YES says someone in the truck was playing the clip to see if it was appropriate for air, and it somehow got on.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Man vs. Bear

On ESPN's First Take there has apparently been a long running argument as to whether an NFL kick returner could score a touchdown against a bear.
They even had a bear expert and a punt return expert on to talk about it.



First of all, it's true, this is completely hypothetical because a bear would never chase a person. But if it did happen, the bear would easily catch the guy. It's amazing that a bear expert is telling them that a bear can dodge back and forth better than a person because he's on four legs, yet they refuse to believe him. Not even the Windy City Flier could get past an angry black bear.

Keith Rips Gary Carter

Willie Randolph's body isn't even cold yet and already the vultures are circling.
Gary Carter was asked on Sirius if he'd be interested in managing the Mets:

"Boy, I'll tell you what - I would love that, guys. When I saw that on ESPN today I got on the phone and I called Jay Horwitz and I asked Jay, 'Should I try to call Mr. Wilpon?' If there is this going on, I just want them to know of my availability. I'm only a phone call away, because my contract allows me to leave the ballclub. I could be in New York tomorrow, if necessary, because if there's anything at the major league level I can leave this job. The comments that David Wright made saying that, you know, there's no spark, there's no fire - if anything I would love to bring that to the table because you know me, guys, I love the game, have a great passion for it and you know my enthusiasm."

For the record, Horwitz said he told Carter "now's not the time to be making those inquiries."

Carter than backed off saying he was just answering the question. And that's true, his answer would have been perfectly appropriate, except for the part when he called Jay Horwitz. That didn't have anything to do with the question. That's the part that makes him seem like a vulture.

When Gary Cohen ripped Carter for his remarks during Sunday's game, Carter's former teammate jumped on the bandwagon.

"I have great respect for Gary as a player," said Keith Hernandez "He's a Hall of Famer. When Johnny Bench left the game, he was the premier catcher in the National League. But, that being said, and I've kept quiet for such a long time, but for the people out there listening, just go in the dictionary and look up 'unconscious' and you'll find a picture of Gary Carter. I know that's strong, but it just happens too many times and it's just, you're walking around unconscious."

I'm not quite sure why he chose unconscious, it wasn't the best word to get his point across, but I think he was trying to find a nice way of saying "selfish." I think he meant that Carter doesn't see anyone else but himself.

And it is widely known that most of the guys on the 86 Mets hated Gary Carter for his self-promoting ways. He was a straight arrow on that team of thugs and he was ostracized for always being available to the media, to the point that his teammates called him Camera Carter.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Lose the Jacket

All the talk around the Mets centers on firing Willie Randolph but I think the Mets would be more likely to improve if they fired Rick Peterson, and I know the perfect replacement.
But before we get to that, let's look at Peterson. He's done great work with John Maine, yes.
But he has not been able to reach Oliver Perez, whose troubles are 90% mental, and that's supposed to be Peterson's strength.
I don't know how much Johan Santana would listen to any pitching coach but Peterson certainly isn't helping him.

I think the Mets should hire Leo Mazzone. In an AP article, Mazzone said, "What I'm doing is sitting here dying to get back into baseball again."

With the great staffs he built in Atlanta, I don't see why the Mets wouldn't want to go after him and see if he has answer to help the Mets pitchers get deeper in games.

Albert the Destroyer

The Devastating Pooh Holes knocks out two Padres in one inning.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover

I just spoke with a girl at work who I had previously thought was really annoying and stupid.
But now she tells me she is a dog lover and a Mets fan.
I guess I was wrong about her.
If there are any two characteristics and individual can have that would ensure that they're a good person, those traits would have to be: dog lover and Mets fan.

Come See Kimbo

CBS has decided to dip its toe into MMA but instead of ponying up the extra cash for a deal with UFC, CBS basically created a new league called EliteXC.
To market their new league they brought in internet sensation Kimbo Slice.
Here's the fight that made Kimbo famous:



Kimbo has been training real hard and learning the ground game necessary to be a top MMA fighter. But he's not there yet. Chances are Kimbo would lose against the top guys in UFC, but I doubt they would let him lose in EliteXC because they're banking on him, he's headlining the first card on CBS on May 31.





jusTON and I (and possibly Mr. DiBern, formerly Mr. DiTen) are going to be a part of history as MMA makes its primetime network television debut live from the Rock in Newark. We're pretty sure Kimbo is going to win since they probably put him up against a stiff, but it should be a good experience. There's also a female fighter on the card.

Anyone wishing to attend this event with TON and me should let me know definitely by Friday May 23rd before 4pm eastern.

License Plates of the Stars

Truth is stranger than fiction which is why I love this list of real license plates of famous athletes.
But recently I saw on Food Court Lunch a list of fake plates for athletes.
I post this for two reasons, because I like the fact that he actually made images of the plates, and because the Reggie Bush one works on so many different levels.

Latrell Sprewell - all three parts rhyme
Shawn Kemp - read this carefully
Reggie Bush, I'm Reggie Bush, the Assman

Idol Chatter

I'm glad David Cook won. He was more deserving than that little sissy David Archuleta. Plus Archuleta's father is apparently a terroristic stage dad. He probably wanted to kill someone and will probably sue over the results.



Why can't American Idol time their show properly? Mrs. Poop and I were just two of the millions who didn't see the announcement because of DVRs. And it cut off so damn close, we were like 10 seconds away from being golden. We had to look up the result on the internet and see the winning moment on youtube this morning.

But why does David Cook have to cry so often? Once is senstive, twice is overcome with emotion, three times is closet homosexual.




I'm glad they put my girl Syesha into a bunch of slinky dresses. She obviously embraced her hotness a little too late in the game however.



Donna Summer and George Michael did they run out of current singers and had to fall back on washed up ones? Though I did enjoy them way more than the JoBros.

My favorite of all the performances though, surprisingly was Brooke White and Graham Nash singing "Teach Your Children." It's a nice song and they sung it well. Brooke was born 40 years too late. She'll never be a successful contemporary recording artist.



Mrs. Poop's favorite performance was Renaldo Lapuz singing "I Am Your Brother" complete with USC marching and song girls.



Didn't Amanda Overmyer look like she raided Paula's medicine cabinet? She looked more dazed than Jason Castro. She even sang like a mannequin. Eventually they stopped showing her because she wasn't singing or smiling and she was barely moving.



Carrie Underwood looked hot showing off her slutty side while singing "Last Name" and almost giving us an upskirt shot. But what the fuck was that thing connecting her sleeves?



I also enjoyed her preshow dress which gave us a little side-boobie action.



But my favorite thing in the history of American Idol probably was the Pips sketch. I loved it because of course I love "Midnight Train to Georgia" but also because it was so well-acted and at least for the first half of the song the humor was very subtle. It didn't get over the top until Jack Black came out with his pants around his ankles.

Bad Fat Kid Back in the News

Our old friend Latarian Milton is back in the news.
When last we saw the poster child for childhood obesity he was joyriding in his grandmother's car because he wanted to do hoodrat stuff with his friend.
That's when his grandmother said she wanted to whip his behind.
Evidently grandma ain't so tough.
Latarian was taken for a mental health evaluation after he beat up his grandmother in Wal-Mart.
Here's the grandma's story:
The problem began when Latarian asked her for some chicken wings. When she refused, he walked over over to the counter and ordered them anyway.
When she confronted him about it, he just snapped.
"He just started hitting me -- just started hitting me in front of the whole Wal-Mart. Every one in there was upset," she said.
He hit her stomach, legs and "wherever he could reach me."
Police picked up Latarian from his home and took him to an area hospital for a mental health evaluation. He can be held for up to 72 hours while he is evaluated by mental health officials.
The grandmother blames his problems on his parents:
"I know what causes the behavior, cause all he's ever seen was his parents do physical and abusive and verbal things, and I don't want him to continue in this direction so I'm doing the best I can to get him the help."
She is worried about what will happen when he is released from his evaluation. She is making sure he won't have access to her rental car while her SUV is being repaired.
"When I first got the rental he said, 'Oh, you know, let me take this for a spin. So now I just sleep with the keys. I lock them up."

Latarian Milton, bad fat kid

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Who Are These Guys?

Player A - 2005: .247 BA, .927 OPS, 40 HR, 114 BB
Player B - 2005: .303 BA, .786 OPS, 15 HR, 48 BB
Player A - 2006: .234 BA, .855 OPS, 40 HR, 112 BB
Player B - 2006: .322 BA, .786 OPS, 9 HR, 49 BB
Player A - 2007: .264 BA, .940 OPS, 40 HR, 101 BB
Player B - 2008: .351 BA, .827 OPS, 6 HR, 49 BB

Please note the eerie consistency of Player A's home runs and Player B's walks.

Song of the Week

"Last Time" - Trey Songz
This video features one of my favorite women of all-time, Lanisha Cole. Not only is she my favorite Barker's Beauty (I think they're still called that even though Drew Carey is now the host), she's my favorite Deal or No Deal case model (though she doesn't have a regular case, she's just a fill-in), she's also one of my top friends on MySpace.
Lanisha is the girlfriend in this video, not the cheating hussy.

DMX Has Seen Better Days

The recent legal troubles of rapper DMX:
On May 6 DMX was arrested for a January traffic incident.
He was photographed by stationary traffic cameras on the Loop 101 freeway in Scottsdale, Arizona. The cameras caught DMX driving a bright yellow 1966 Chevy Nova II — with a large "DMX" decal on the windshield (way to be inconspicuous) — well over the posted 65 mph speed limit.
Simmons was photographed driving 100 mph, and then, one minute later, another camera caught him driving 114 mph. Less than three minutes later, DMX was caught on camera again, this time driving 101 mph.

hard for police to miss the big DMX logo on your windshield

Three days later he was arrested again after police searched his house as part of an animal abuse investigation that started last year. When a SWAT team came to search his house he hid in a bedroom. During the search they found weapons, drugs and five pit bull puppies, which were taken to a nearby prison where female inmates will look after them.

mind your business lady

And on Friday, the Mayo Clinic in Arizona said DMX checked in under a fake name (Troy Jones) in order to evade payment. DMX was complaining of chest pains and shortness of breath and was diagnosed with pneumonia.

Scary Thought

The Knicks did not win the draft lottery, or even make it to the top 3 (which proves to Master Bates that it's not fixed) which is fine with me. I would have loved Derrick Rose, but I have major reservations about Michael Beasley.
Despite all his off-court stuff I would love to see the Knicks get O.J. Mayo.
A more likely possibility is Jerryd Bayless, a point guard whom I loved during his one season at Arizona.
But espn.com presents this frightening possibility:

"There will be growing speculation that the Knicks may turn their attention to Italian forward Danilo Gallinari. D'Antoni played with Gallinari's father in Italy for eight years. He's watched Danilo play over the years in Europe, and he knows how tough the Italian league is. D'Antoni loves versatile forwards like Gallinari. His basketball IQ and facilitation skills would be a great fit in a D'Antoni offense."

Now I know there are great European players in the NBA and I know nothing about Gallinari but given the Frederic Weis mess I don't want to see the Knicks draft another foreign player, ever. Also I think the Knicks need a point guard, and someone fans can embrace as the face of the franchise, Gallinari doesn't fit either of those roles.

Charley Steiner Laughing

Former ESPN SportsCenter anchor Charley Steiner is best known for his inability to hold his laughter, completely losing it on several occassions. This video is a pretty good compilation of Charley's greatest hits but I wish it had a little more set-up.
For instance, the Mitch Green hilarity was prompted by the famous quote "like a sissy, a homo, he ran."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Beer Money

In SNY's continuing effort to become a legitimate sports network (not just a place to watch the Mets), they introduced another cool new original program.
It's a sports trivia show called "Beer Money" where they ambush people in bars on the street, in front of Shea, and ask them 3 questions, a $10, a $20 and a $100 question.
The show is hosted by Chris Carlin and a new hottie named Julie Alexandria.
Cow-Bell Man (whom I frequently deride as not being a true fan) embarrassed himself by guessing Koosman as the pitcher who had the Mets single season record with 25 wins, but he quickly corrected himself to Seaver and was allowed to win the $20. But he was prudent in not risking his $30 and further embarassment by going for the for the $100 question.
Also Julie encountered a contestant from Staten Island, and after making fun of his accent commented that he did not have a fake tan.

Julie Alexandria

The Thinking Man's Reality Show

Before the world went crazy watching contrived "reality" shows purporting to show us the real lives of our celebrity heroes, there existed a reality show that was smart, well-done, interesting and only appealed to smart people.
Since Americans are by and large idiots, "The Mole" didn't do very well in the ratings.
But now ABC is giving the Mole another chance.
The show premieres on June 2nd with a new host, Jon Kelley. Anderson Cooper and Bobby Moore (aka Ahmad Rashad) were not available.
If you are unfamiliar with the show, there are 11 players and one Mole. They compete in challenges which earn money for the eventual winner, but the Mole sabotages them.
Players are eliminated by taking a quiz about the Mole, the low score goes home each week.
What makes it better than every other reality show is that the Mole's identity is a mystery that slowly unravels.

Wooing ObamaGirl

I've got a crush on ObamaGirl and evidently so does former Alaksa Senator Mike Gravel (gruh-vell).
Gravel still wants to run for President so he enlisted Amber Lee Ettinger in this hysterical video.
Do you think his aides told him what "lay pipe" means?

Damn Spear Chuckers

A photographer for the Ogden Standard-Examiner got a little too close to the Utah state high school track championships.
Ryan McGeeney got hit with a javelin in the leg.
He received 13 stitches, but suffered no serious damage to any ligaments or tendons. McGeeney took this picture himself while medical personnel were working on him because "If I didn't, it would probably be my editor's first question when I got back."

javelin in leg

That picture reminded me of this.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Who Are These Guys?

Player A - 2006: 658 AB 131 R 203 hits 32 HR 102 RBI .309 BA .906 OPS
Player B - 2006: 611 AB 105 R 172 hits 27 HR 90 RBI .282 BA .819 OPS
Player A - 2007: 530 AB 104 R 176 hits 22 HR 103 RBI .332 BA .976 OPS
Player B - 2007: 632 AB 113 R 155 hits 31 HR 88 RBI .245 BA .805 OPS
Player A - 2008: 173 AB 34 R 53 hits 14 HR 31 RBI .306 BA 1.024 OPS
Player B - 2008: 157 AB 33 R 50 hits 13 HR 31 RBI .316 BA 1.067 OPS

Hint: They play the same position and while we all admit that Player A is better than Player B, the amount by which he is better is not as great as you would think. My main point in this one is that if these two players continue this pace their entire careers (far from a given), both will be deserving Hall of Famers when they're through.

My Back Itches

Sometimes in life you like two things but they just don't work well together ("I love dogs and I love poker, but I hate those pictures of dogs playing poker") but on the other hand, two thing you don't like when combined together can create something wonderful.
I don't care much for hockey, and I hate homer announcers, but I absolutely love Mike Lange the Pittsburgh Penguins announcer whose creative and nonsensical calls merited this top 10 list.



If you can't understand the title of this post, rewatch the first one on this list. I think my personal favorite is "Get in the fast lane grandma because the bingo game's ready to roll."

Not a Bad Place To Be When Under House Arrest

Pacman Jones is moving to Dallas so he's selling his home in Tennessee.
For $1.8 million you can buy the house which is on 30 acres and has its own lake stocked with fish.
It really is an awesome house.
And unlike many other athletes' homes it doesn't have a stripper pole.
It probably would have saved him a lot of trouble it if it did.




I Liked That Part Too

Joe Morgan liked Jose Reyes's home run against the Yankees, but he really enjoyed Reyes's home run trot.



Now I want to give Morgan the benefit of the doubt here and say he was talking about Reyes running as opposed to trotting or meandering, but his follow-up "he proceeded to go around the bases" makes it clear that he is, in fact an idiot.

But there were several Morgan moments during this game that were even dumber.
First there was a conversation, which lasted the whole game, about first basemen "doing their job" by catching balls in the dirt.

Then there was the whole discussion after Delgado's home run, most of which was valid, except for the part where Morgan talked about the "curvature" of the fence. It's actually not curved, more like slanted, but we got the point.

And when they got an awesome moment from their miked up umpire (we heard him telling Delgado that he thought it was foul because the guy to the left of the pole got the ball) it took them several innings to pick up on that.

But lastly and most annoying was Morgan demanding an appeal on Alou's sac fly, saying Wright left early. He insisted the Yankees were going to appeal, as soon as they brought in a new pitcher. But why wouldn't they appeal with Wang, if they were going to do it? On the off chance Morgan was right (he wasn't) the inning would have been over.

I seldom watch Sunday Night Baseball, and almost never in its entirety, but I can now understand why the blogosphere hates him so much.

Worst Person in the World: Darrion Scott

Darrion Scott played four years in the NFL with the Minnesota Vikings, leading the team in sacks in 2006.
Now he is charged with assaulting his own son.

Darrion Scott

The boy's mother said she heard the child crying and when she went to check on him she saw the boy lying on his back, kicking his legs while Scott (who is 6'5" 290 lbs.) was holding a plastic bag over the boy's head.
Scott told police they were playing and he was trying to see if the boy could get the bag off his head himself.
The mother told police the boy had suffered injuries in Scott's care before, and a doctor said marks on the boy's arm and ear were a result of being burned or hit.
Police found in a gun in Scott's house, which was kept in an unlocked nightstand which police determined to be easily accessible to the child.
Scott's agent said "Anyone who knows Darrion knows him to be a big 'teddy bear' type of guy, easygoing and never loud or abrasive. We believe this nightmare is a terrible mistake and that the child has not been abused, at least not by Darrion."
So now he is accusing the mother of being the abusive one?
I hope the next time Darrion Scott gets chop blocked, he breaks his leg.