Leary's Wedding

Even though he doesn't look a day over 18 JLeary got married and since we've been friends for nearly 20 years, I was invited.

I was even a groomsman, along with Reissberg and the Concierge.

Because his lovely bride is from Hershey, Pennsylvania, that's where the wedding was held.

After a long drive through farm country thanks to our GPS, we arrived in Hershey disappointed that the smell of chocolate was not permeating the air as we had hoped. Apparently that only happens on hot, humid days.

Mrs. Poop and I checked into the lovely Hershey Hotel and explored the grounds. On separate trips we ran into the bride, the groom, the Reissbergs and the Concierges.

We had dinner Friday night at an Italian restaurant on Chocolate Avenue, but it wasn't a rehearsal dinner (more on that later).

We got back in time to witness a beautiful fireworks display put on by Hershey Park from the hotel's veranda.

Then we started drinking. It was really weird to drink with J's little brother Jeff whom I last remember tossing around when he was 4. Now he's all growns up and going to school and working as a pastry chef at a hotel. The Concierge tried to trick him into admitting that he uses transfats in violation of New York City's ban, but Jeff didn't even seem to know what Crisco is.

Saturday morning Mrs. Poop and I seemed to be the only ones who didn't pay to have strangers touch us (massage) so we spent the morning at Chocolate World getting a behind the scenes look at Hershey's manufacturing process.

We bought some souvenirs and split a delicious Smores cup and headed back to the hotel for lunch. Our lunch was provided by the bride and groom, a delicious cold cuts platter served in the Concierge's room. I think I ate about 10 pickles. I have a strange aversion to wasting food. If food I like is sitting there, I have to eat it.

After that I got dressed and met the groosmen downstairs for some pictures. Because this was a non-Jewish wedding the bride and groom didn't see each other before, so we were just with the groom for a few pictures and a rehearsal.

We met the pastor who walked us through everything that would happen, while constantly reminding us that he usually does this in a church. And he also mentioned repeatedly that he usually has a rehearsal dinner the night before. He seemed very nervous that something would go wrong, not only because this was a road game, but because we hadn't put in enough practice time.

The ceremony was in Founders Hall, part of the Milton Hershey School. The wedding was in a beautiful huge open space, and the bride got to walk down the stairs.



Since there was no rehearsal, the pastor was diligent in reminding us of our duties, including to usher guests to their seats, a duty I shirked because of my discomfort with non-Jewish traditions.

The pastor evidently spent too much time watching over us, because he forgot to say "you may kiss the bride," kind of an important part. Thankfully, he did get in all the legal mumbo-jumbo so they were married officially, and it was time to party.

I want to mention one more funny thing about the pastor. About halfway through the receiving line he suggested to us that we should check on the groom and see if he needs anything "maybe a breath mint."

The Concierge was offended by the presumption that he carries breath mints. "What is this, the 1950s when everyone carried binaca?"

Before we got to eat, the combined wedding party got to take more pictures, which was fun, but it made us a little late to the cocktail hour. When I arrived I found that Mrs. Poop had saved me a lobster tail (what reason am I up to now?) and I almost bit off the Conciergette's arm while trying to eat it.

I noticed that the table chosen by our significant others was conveniently located next to the seafood bar, which was full of shrimp. After making my way around the room (and getting into a fight with TON over the fact I friended his high school nemesis on Facebook) I returned and began devouring shrimp at a startling pace. Almost everyone in the room used the "Hey Paul, the ocean called..." line on me and when JLeary tried it I told him, "well I just had sex with your wife."

As usual TallSkott was dressed like a member of the wait staff.



The cocktail hour ended which meant it was time to party.

But first the bride and groom had their first dance as husband and wife.



There was also a dance with J and his mom (though this might have come much later on).



Once the DJ shifted from traditional party music to more contemporary music and hip-hop, the party really got rockin.

Thanks to an abundance of fun, young guests at this wedding, the dance floor was always very crowded, except for when someone put a bottle in the middle of it. Apparently this is a Long Island tradition, but it's evidently customary to place a beer bottle or glass in the middle of the dance floor because it somehow forces everyone to form a circle creating an arena for an intrepid soul to show off his or her moves for an adoring crowd. This was done several times throughout the night until Joe, a Mets fan and my best friend for the weekend, somehow broke the bottle with his face, without cutting his lip.

Some of the other featured music included "I Kissed a Girl," during which I ran around the room trying to get two girls to make out with each other. Maybe I crossed the line when I encouraged the bride to do it. At least Mrs. Poop said I did.

They also played "Apache," which got the cognoscenti out on the floor doing the Apache dance and patting their mouths to make the Indian noise.



At a lot of weddings the bride and groom don't get to enjoy their own party, not this time. May-May was out on the floor most of the night acting the fool with me.



When I walked outside the ballroom and noticed that there was a buffet of candy (Hershey's of course), kisses, York Peppermint patties, Mr. Goodbar, Kit Kats and others, along with bags for us to fill up and take home.

Now for those who don't know, The Concierge is not allowed to eat candy, by order of the Conciergette. So Nails and Mrs. Nails decided to play a little joke. Nails filled up a bag full of candy and was planning to stuff the Concierge's pockets. But when he reentered the room The Conciergette was sitting in The Concierge's chair. Mrs. Nails quickly ad libbed and put on The Concierge's jacket, feigning coldness. After a few minutes of subterfuge, she left the room wearing the jacket, with Nails following closely behind. After filling the pockets to the breaking point they returned and placed the jacket on the back of The Concierge's chair where they found it. When he went to put it on at the end of the night he noticed it was a little heavier than when he wore it last. For the next several minutes, he was yanking chocolate bars out of the jacket's every orifice. When the mound of chocolate was piled on the table he tried to explain that he had been set up, but everyone tried to convince The Conciergette that he was sneaking candy past her.




After the wedding ended we stayed at the hotel bar for a few more drinks, and one by one they dropped like flies, then I went to bed leaving The Concierge as the last man standing, in more ways than one.