Saturday, August 04, 2007

It's a Vagina, Not a Clown Car

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Tontitown, Arkansas recently welcomed into the world their 17th child.
And the mother said “We'd love to have more.”
The family's home includes dormitory-style bedrooms for the boys (7) and girls (10), nine bathrooms, a commercial kitchen, four washing machines and four dryers.

The children are home-schooled by Michelle Duggar, 40. The oldest is 19 and there are two sets of twins.

“We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him,” said Jim Bob Duggar, 42, a former state representative who sells real estate.

All the kids have names that start with J. They are: Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, 2 and now Jennifer..

The Duggars have been featured on several programs on cable's Discovery Health Network.

Among the “fun facts” listed on Discovery Health's Web page devoted to the Duggars: A baby has been born in every month except June; the family has gone through about 90,000 diapers, and Michelle Duggar has been pregnant for 126 months – or 10.5 years – of her life.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Maybe He Gave Ving's Wife a Foot Massage

Dogs belonging to Ving Rhames attacked and killed a live-in caretaker at the actor's Los Angeles home.

The caretaker was found dead on the front lawn of Rhames' gated home in an expensive Brentwood neighborhood, covered in dog bites.

Several large dogs were running loose on the property when police responded to the scene shortly and animal control officers took three huge bull mastiffs and an English bulldog into custody.

"It appeared that the person suffered a number of injuries as a result of the dog mauling," Sgt. Lee Sands said. "There were numerous dog bites all over his body."

Sands said four dogs, the largest weighing nearly 200 pounds, were being quarantined as part of an investigation into the attack.

He said it was not yet clear how many of the dogs had taken part in the mauling or why they had turned on the caretaker. The victim, who worked for Rhames for two years and lived on the property, was pronounced dead at the scene.

Representatives for Rhames, who is out of the country shooting a film, had no immediate comment. The 46-year-old actor is known for starring in "Pulp Fiction" and alongside Tom Cruise in all three "Mission: Impossible" movies.

Rhames has a long list of film and television credits. He won a Golden Globe and Emmy nomination for starring as Don King in a 1997 TV movie about the flamboyant boxing promoter.

Chickens Coming Home To Roost

Dogs have been abused by assholes like Michael Vick for long enough. They're fed up and they're fighting back.
King George, a 150 lb. Great Dance knocked a .22-caliber pistol off his owner's end table. The gun went off, hitting his 21-year-old owner in the back,
"I knew he was smart, I didn't think he was that smart," the victim's fiancee, Miesha Lucas said.

king george

Ouch, Babe!

X Games skateboarder Jake Brown crashes, about 50 feet. Listen to the announcers lose their shit when he completes the first trick then all they can say is "oh oh oh oh oh oh" as he's falling.

Baseball is Poop

108 Game Stat Check Edition
Magglio Ordonez has only 4 doubles in his last 37 games so Chase Utley and Dan Uggla have passed him. If they maintain this pace one of them could reach 60 doubles for the first time in more than 70 years, but I doubt it.

Curtis Granderson has also slowed down, with only 2 since July 1st, but his pace would still put him at 24 or 25, and he only needs 22 for the highest total since 1949.

Home Runs
A-Rod is still tops here with 35, a 4 homer cushion on Prince Fielder. Fielder is only on pace for 45, so if A-Rod has a big slump we could be looking at the lowest ML leading total in 15 years. A-Rod led in 2003 with 47. 23 players have 20 homers, putting them on pace to hit 30. 34 players hit 30 last year

If A-Rod can avoid a slump though and improve his RBI pace he has an outside chance at Manny's 165 (1999) which is the highest postwar total. He should smash his personal best of 142. 33 players have 67 RBI or more, putting them on pace for 100. 38 guys had 100 RBI last year.

Right now only Carlos Zambrano is on pace to win 20 games, but 7 guys have 13 wins right now which means they'd only need moderate improvement and a little luck to reach 20. But more on them later.

Of course there is no pace for ERA but it warrants mentioning the Chris Young has a sub-2.00 ERA and he's hurt, which would actually make it easier for him to maintain that low ERA.

And now onto other matters...
Tom Glavine Disease
San Diego Padres start Tim Stauffer was given an 11 run in the top of the first inning in his first start of the year. But Stauffer gave up 7 runs, including 3 homers and didn't stick around long enough to get the win. And he was sent back to the minors after the game.

The Remarkable Season of Chone Figgins
Figgins missed the month of April and through the month of May he sucked, batting .133 (12-90), but he started his hot streak on May 31 and hasn't looked back. Since then he is 93-223 for a batting average of .417.
Breaking it down in his first 90 at bats, he had 12 hits. In the next 92 he had 41, and the next 92 after that he had 35.
Since his hot streak started he's played in 53 games, here's a breakdown
0 hits - 8 times (7 in July)
1 hit - 15 times
2 hits - 18 times
3 hits - 8 times
4 hits - 3 times
6 hits - 1 time
He's had hitting streaks of 14, 13 and 9 games.
Just an all-time great hot streak he's on.

Super Sunday
This Sunday, August 5th, 5 of the 7 13 game winners will be in action. My man Fausto, Josh Beckett, Brad Penny and John Lackey and Dan Haren will face each other. The other two are Tim Wakefiled (maybe he can pitch in relief) and CC Sabathia who can't pitch because he and Fausto are teammates.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Song of The Week

"Stay With You" - John Legend
TON and Special K had their first dance to this song.
This video is just the lyrics, but you can see John Legend perform it live but in poor quality.

TON and Special K's Wedding

TON and Special K are now Mr. and Mrs. TON.
It was a nice, quick ceremony full of the requisite retarded/uncomfortable faces by TON.
A kind old judge led them through the paces they hit all the high notes "sickness and health, for richer for poorer," "with this ring I thee wed," and "you may kiss the pride," so TON did and then they were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. TON.

Mr. and Mrs. TON
you may kiss the bride

Then we went inside for some drinks and hors d'oeuvres. The best one was a shrimp wrapped in bacon, but it was a little messy. JLeary had a piece of bacon hanging out of his mouth, I had to go in the corner to eat one, but they were delicious. And the first time they came around four of us got them from the waitress and I was the only one to offer it to my wife. Not sure I would have if she weren't pregnant, but she declined. She knows how much I love food wrapped in bacon.

A little while later it was time for the best man's speech. Now, because I know TON from high school, but we also went to college together, I knew pretty much everyone.

It was nice to see good old BC again, RoachSU made it in for the wedding and Briles (formerly known as the Commish) was the 5th person from our floor freshman year at the wedding. I also got to see VinJuiceTang again. And the best part of that was that in a conversation with Vin earlier in the week I said he was going to be mistaken by everyone as a relative of the bride. Then when I was talking to him, someone came up to him and asked "are you related to the bride?"

And another SU alum, who made the trip in from Denmark was the best man P-O'T. He seemed kind of nervous but he was really funny and encapsulated TON and Kelly pretty well. Basically they like do crazy shit like skydiving, ice climbing and getting eaten by animals in Africa together.

TON and groomsman #1 P-O'T
P-O'T delivering his speech

One of the cooler parts of the wedding was when the band took a brief intermission and when they came back it was TON's dad on the keyboard along with his band he's been playing with for 40 years. Between the four band members they have ten kids, 6 of them have gotten married, and they've played a few songs and each wedding. They started off with "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison, then went to "Gimme Some Lovin" by the Spencer Davis Group and finished with the all-time crowd pleaser, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond.

TON's dad tickling the ivories

TON even tried dancing, something he does reluctantly, and not very well.

TON shows off some dance moves

But TON's cousins got the dancing genes in the family. When they band played "Play That Funky Music" two of them started getting down on the dance floor, ending with one of them taking off his shirt. Apparently this is a wedding tradition for him.

the dancing shirtless cousin

The second coolest thing at this wedding was one of those little photobooths where you cram in there and the flash goes off and you get a nice strip of 6 pictures of you and your wife/girlfriend making funny faces at each other.

In this case you took 6 photos cut the strip down the middle put three in album for TON & Special K and kept the other three for yourself. Mrs. Poop and I did this twice, we got some nice photos including one with the Concierge's hand behind me.

Focks, TallSkott and I tried to cram into the booth with varying degrees of success. When you have a head as bag as TallSkott's it takes up a lot of room.

But that paled in comparison to the fact that instead of wedding cake, the served cupcakes. They were so delicious I must have had about four...teen of them man.

At first I planned to have two, then RoachSU and I spotted a couple lonely ones, than TallSkott offered me one that was just sitting on our table, and then the Conciergette yelled at me. But they were freakin delicious.

deeeeeeeeelicious cupcakes

Here's the crew from left to right: Brother of the Bride, TallSkott, Reissberg, TON (how did the groom get sent to the back of this picture?), The Concierge, JLeary, The Poop, Focks and VinJuiceTang.

the crew from SI

And the ladies in our lives: Zorf, The Conciergette aka TallJulie, Mrs. TallSkott, MayMay, Special K (the bride), Mrs. Reissberg, Mrs. Poop, Mrs. Nails and Bauer's Mom aka Short Julie.

our better halves
Me and Mrs. Poop

Thanks for the Mammaries

New York City Public Hospitals are no longer supplying formula samples in the gift bags given to new mothers who deliver at those hospitals.
Instead, the new mothers will each be given a breast-milk bottle cooler, disposable nursing pads, breastfeeding tips and a baby T-shirt with the slogan “I Eat at Mom’s” on the front.

wish we'd get this t-shirt

This has pissed people off who think that breast feeding is not for everyone and this takes promoting breastfeeding too far and makes women who don't or can't (maybe because of flat or inverted nipples) feel badly.

I say that's bullshit. There is legitimate medical evidence to show that breastmilk is superior to formula, even the formula companies admit it. Breastfeeding helps reduce the risks of common childhood infections, asthma, diabetes and other conditions that children who get mother's milk are less likely to develop. Research also shows that that breastfeeding does more to promote brain development than formula.

That always leads to the common refrain "my mother didn't breastfeed me and I'm smart." That may very well be true but it's proven that breast milk is better and I applaud the city's efforts to do everything they can to encourage women to at least try breastfeeding because it's best for the baby, which is what every new mother should be most concerned about.

Too Bad For Us

Scarlett Johansson will not play Jenna Jameson in a movie version of the porn star's book "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star."
Jameson started the rumors by saying Scar.Jo "has such a sexuality without even really trying to be sexy. This girl could play me."
But Scar.Jo's spokesperson says she has no interest in the role. Here's hoping that Elisha Cuthbert does.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Rent a Pet

I think that everyone's life could be enriched by having a pet, but I think that some people are not ready or able to accomodate a pet into their lives.
For those people, there is FlexPetz.

Here's how it works: you sign up as a member, then you pick a dog and you can spend a few hours or a few days with him then give him back and get him a few days later, or get a different dog.

This is a great idea for people like me who want to be exposed to different breeds of dogs. If they ever got a Belgian Mallinois, I'd sign up. It's also good for people who work a lot of hours but like to do stuff with a dog on the weekends.

I think it might be a little hard on the dogs but if they do it the right way and the dogs are well trained, which it seems like they are, then the dogs should be able to adjust to new surroundings and owners.
I worry about people who don't have dogs of their own and whether they will be responsible in feeding and training and taking care of the dog. It can be difficult to do the things a dog needs if you are not used to having one around all the time.

They've already launched in San Diego and are looking for a few other cities including New York this month.

The fees are very expensive though. $150 to sign up, $50 a month and another $100 once a year. And you must sign up for two years, so that's $1550. And it costs $40 a day to have the dog on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday and $25 for weekdays.

That sounds prohibitive but considering what some people pay for dogs, and the costs associated with food and toys and dogs beds (all stuff that they give you when take one of their dogs) it might not be that bad.

But the real thing you'd miss out on with this program is that it's fun to have a dog around all the time, to see him sleeping, to play with whenever you want, to greet you at the door when you come home, rental pets don't do that stuff.

Marlena Cervantes the founder of FlexPetz with Jackpot (left) and Loki (right)
Jackpot and Loki chill with their part-time owner
Loki is staring at this woman's tits

Note: PETA and the Humane Society are against this, pointing out that dogs need structure, and people who want to spend time with dogs but can't provide a proper home for one should volunteer at a local animal shelter.

Even I Don't Have The Answer to This One

Christoper Jones led Arizona police on a slow speed chase during which two news helicopters covering the chase collided in midair killing all four people on board the two choppers.
Should Jones be charged in their deaths?

I have had this argument with jusTON before, and I've always said if a police car chasing you kills someone, it's your fault. But this chopper accident seems pretty removed from this man's actions and definitely an unforeseeable externality.
But I think there is a statute, not sure if they have it in Arizona, called criminally negligent homicide. If your criminal behavior leads to the death of someone, then you are responsible for their death.

A very sad side note to this story. One of the helicopter pilots, Craig Smith, had a dog, a West Highland Terrier named Molly. Molly would fly with Craig on every trip in the chopper. But this time, because they were rushing to cover breaking news, Molly was left behind. And the little pooch is alive today because of it, but without her buddy Craig.

Molly and Craig

We Have Gang Rape, They Have Line Dancing

Prisoners in the Phillipines doing a choreographed dance routine to "Thriller."
There really isn't anything else to say, just watch:

Apparently this is a mandatory activity for inmates at the Cebu prison. They think it reduces violence among the inmates.

They also do a routine from Sister Act.

Tootsie Roll Pops For Everyone

Everyone is catching on to the hilarity that is Keith Hernandez.

A tribute to Keith's mustache

Keith explaining his methods of scoring:

Note: I have a Mets schedule on my desk and I highlight the wins in orange and the losses in blue. It's how I know things like "The Mets are 12-6 on Friday this year."

What The Fuck Is Wrong With People?

Normally I try to keep this blog fun and light but every once in a while I come across a story that sickens me to the point that I have to share it.

A South Carolina woman has been charged with homicide by child abuse after the bodies of her two young children were found wrapped in trash bags under a sink.
Police believe Sametta Heyward left the children in a hot car while she was at work. Investigators found a note Heyward left at her apartment, explaining that she took the children to work because her plans for a baby sitter fell through.

Because She Let Me

Researchers at the University of Texas spent 5 years compiling the top 237 reasons why people have sex.
And they found out, people like sex, love, not so much.
College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex — they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and "it feels good."
Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."

I don't buy that. The real reason is because sex is fun and it feels good. I'm attracted to Meadow Soprano and I would love to have sex with her, but I would not like to have teeth pulled with her, because even though I'm attracted to her, that doesn't feel good.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Monica Lewinsky recently turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

I'll suck yo dick

Biggest Scam Ever

I have been saying for years that the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing is bottled water.
I don't understand why you would pay for something that you could get for free. And it's much easier to get it from the tap than from a store, and much better for the environment and 100 other reasons to just drink tap water.
Now here's one more: Aquafina is tap water.


I'm a Douche

I left my bag at Mrs. Poop's parent's house, where we stopped on our way home from Maine.
In that bag was my glasses, so I've been wearing contacts all week.
I also left my cell phone charger which is why I haven't been answering text messages this week. I also use my cell phone as my nap alarm, and since I didn't have it, I overslept and was late to work yesterday.
That bag also had my beard and sideburns trimmer. Without it, I couldn't trim my goatee and I just had to shave the whole damn thing off.
And finally I left "Pistol" which I took out of the library and since it's a new book I can't renew, so I have to return it before I can even read it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Baseball is Poop

Trade Deadline Edition
Mets trade Drew Butera and Dustin Martin to the Twins for Luis Castillo
This is sort of a nothing deal for the Mets. I really like Ruben Gotay and I don't understand the rush to replace him. I understand Castillo is a much better defensive player but he's probably a downgrade offensively and right now the Mets need hitting. But they gave up two low level prospects and Castillo is not signed long-term so it's not a bad deal.

Red Sox trade Kason Gabbard, David Murphy and Engel Beltre to the Rangers for Eric Gange
This is a tough trade. The Red Sox didn't need Gagne desperately, they've been doing fine with Papelbon and Okajima. But this gives them an incredible bullpen instead of a really good one. And they might finally be able to move Papelbon to the rotation next year. But Gabbard is a top pitching prospect, Murphy is a considered a serious outfield prospect and Beltre is only 17 years old. If it works out this year great, but it's possible in a few years two of those prospects will be good major leaguers.

Giants trade Matt Morris to the Pirates for Rajai Davis
Why are the Pirates trading for high-priced veterans?

Braves trade Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Elvis Andrus to the Rangers for Mark Teixeira
The Braves desperately needed a power hitting first baseman so they had to make this trade. Plus Saltalamacchia is a catcher and they already have Brian McCann. But Elvis Andrus is considered a very good prospect, and he is only 18 years old.

Braves trade Kyle Davies to the Royals for Octavio Dotel
When healthy Dotel can be a really good setup man for the Braves. This is an excellent trade for them. But Kyle Davies kills the Mets.

Yankees trade Scott Proctor to the Dodgers for Wilson Betemit
I don't get this trade. The Yankees are in no position to be trading a middle reliever, certainly not for a guy who plays second, third and short, positions the Yankees have locked up. I guess the Yankees just gave up on Proctor and they feel Betemit can solve their problems at first base.

Padres trade Scott Linebrink to the Brewers for Will Inman, Steve Garrison and Joe Thatcher
I don't know why the Padres would trade Linebrink in the middle of what is a decent season for him, while they are in a heated pennant race. It seems like the three pitchers they got are pretty decent, they all have good minor league stats. I just hope this doesn't interfere with Linebrink's quest to pitch in exactly 73 games for the fourth straight season.

Leukemia is a Bitch

In the course of about one day leukemia killed two kindly old gentlemen.

Former San Francisco 49ers coach Bill Walsh died at age 75 after a long battle with leukemia.

Walsh was an innovator in the NFL bringing about several important changes. First and most obvious is the West Coast Offense. Designed to use the short pass the way most teams traditionally used the running game, the West Coast Offense revolutionized offensive football. Another of his ideas was the increased importance placed on the left tackle to combat a new generation of pass-rushing ends and linebackers. And finally he brought a sense of wisdom and civility to the NFL. He proved that you didn't need to be the biggest, baddest, nastiest team to win; speed and execution could defeat brute force.

Bill Walsh 1931 - 2007

Tom Snyder, late night TV host died at age 71, he also suffered with leukemia.

Most of Snyder's best work was before my time but he did briefly host the show after Letterman for a few years before Craig Kilborn took over. He used to share a joke or pithy comment at the end of each show. This one is my favorite: "The human shin; a device used for finding furniture in the dark."

Tom Snyder 1936-2007

Sickened And Saddened

Many of you have expressed outrage that I have not expressed outrage over the Michael Vick dogfighting allegations. I did comment on it early in the summer before all the details became available.
After I heard some of the details on TV (I felt like I had to cover Diesel's ears so he wouldn't hear the awful things they did) I decided I had to read the indictment to fully understand the charges.
I guess I decided that I didn't want to type the words "doused a dog in water and electrocuted him" or "slammed a dog on the ground until he died" or "hung a dog" or "shot 8 dogs."

But now the man known as Ookie (Vick) is in big trouble because one of his cohorts, Tony Taylor (T) copped a plea deal and gave up Vick as the money man behind the operation.

I hate Michael Vick with all my heart. Other than Leonard Little who killed a woman by driving drunk, then got another DUI several years later, I can't think of an athlete who deserves to be locked up forever more than Michael Vick. I hope he dies tomorrow.

Fuck you, you cock sucking son of a bitch

Note: I believe in innocent until proven guilty but only as it relates to the legal system not as it relates to my ability to make up my own mind. There is zero doubt that Vick is involved in dogfighting, funding it and looking the other way at the very least. At the most, as alleged, he himself murdered dogs. If that's the case I hope they sic the police dogs on him.

Baby Poop Pool

Mrs. Poop and I went to see Baby Poop at 34 weeks and the kid is HUGE! 6 pounds! And not due until September 9th. I bring this up because it's time to guess the date and time of delivery and weight, length and gender of the baby.

So here's what you do: click on the banner below it will take you to this website where you can enter your name (doesn't have to be your real name) and then enter your guesses. If you want to register with the site you'll receive an e-mail when the baby is born and we enter the correct information.

Note: There is some information in the first paragraph that might help you extrapolate some of these answers (for instance, don't guess our baby is going to be 6 pounds and 2 ounces).

Note: Anyone who wants to put their money where their mouth is can give me $5 and I'll keep track and send the money to the winner. If the winner on the website doesn't choose to participate in the for-profit portion of this contest the highest point total among those who did will win the money.