Saturday, July 19, 2008

A Way Around Mrs. Poop's Beer Pong Ban

When Mrs. Poop duped me into an expensive rennovation of our sunroom (and former beer pong playing area) she probably thought she'd stopped me from playing beer pong forever, but boy was she wrong.
A new video game titled "Beer Pong" was designed for the Nintendo Wii. We could play with virtual balls and cups and drink actual beer.
Not surprisingly some tightasses are unhappy with this game and the message it is sending to teens.
Even though the makers have agreed to call it "Pong Toss" and remove all references to alcohol, the oversensitive babies still want the game to be rated "M" for mature.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Girls, Girls, Girls

I think Chase and I can expect a few visits from Master Bates in the coming years, maybe to play catch, maybe to wrestle, because his house is going to be overrun with females.
Mrs. Bates is pregnant and the Bates clan is adding a new little girl to their brood in December.
Cayla is ecstatic to have a baby sister as she looks forward to making bottles, changing diapers, wiping tushies and applying butt paste.
We're all thrilled for them as well.

Cayla is so excited to be a big sister

I Want to Be Angry, But I Have to Agree

Belmar, New Jersey Mayor Ken Pringle trashed Staten Island in his newsletter, "The Belmar Summer Rental News."
Belmar is overrun by undesirable visitors from Staten Island, a fact Mr. Mayor obviously isn't too happy about.
Despite the fact that he is insulting my homeland I have to agree with all of his assessments and applaud his sense of humor.

SI Girl Behaving Badly
In our never-ending quest to keep our summer renters informed and our wider readership amused, we have culled the Belmar police blotter for items of potential educational value to our readers.
Which brought us to a reported incident earlier this summer in which two women had a spat in (you’ll never guess) D’Jais. Now, if that isn’t shocking enough, hold on to your seat: One of the women was from Staten Island!! (Unbelievable, right? Only one of the women? We thought all of the women in D’Jais are from Staten Island). The other woman was from, of all places, Boonton, NJ, which according to Google maps appears to be a suburb of either Towaco or Hibernia. (We’re guessing the Boonton girl was either in D’Jais on some kind of sick bet, or was practicing for an audition on Survivor. Then again, maybe she just happened by, saw the people on the line out front, and thought, “Cool, a costume party!”).
Anyway, the spat ended the way most fights with SI girls do. The SI woman grabbed the Boonton woman by the hair (we’re told that in Staten Island, this is the female equivalent of a guy kicking another guy in the groin – only without the warm and friendly connotations) – and began punching her face in.
We realize, so far, this is not exactly newsworthy.
Journalistically speaking, “SI woman punches other woman” is right up there with “Dog bites man.” But here’s the twist: As the Staten Island girl was pummeling the Boonton girl’s face, she used the hand she was still holding her drink glass in. Now, we’re not sure if the glass was stuck to her hand cause of all the hair spray or if this is a technique Staten Island girls learn in Brownies, but we are thankful she left her brass knuckles and straight razor in her other purse.
Anyway, after the blood was all mopped up and the Staten Island girl was carted off in handcuffs, the police got around to asking her why she tried to smash the Boonton woman’s face in with the glass.
Her answer was so obvious, the cops must have felt dumb for even asking: “. . .‘cause she got in my face.”

There's also this passage on guidos:
They flock to our shore towns during the warm months, and are as welcome as, oh, Canada Geese. They’re always tanned to the color of coconut shells, and easily identified by their plumage: satin shirts and short skirts on the females; Armani Exchange T-shirts and artfully distressed jeans on the males. The females favor bold hair styles and colorful make-up; the males tend to strut and flex their pumped up
muscles. The call of the Guido is bellowing, and frequently slurred, invariably starting with the sound, “Yo,” followed all too often by some creative variation on an expletive beginning with the letter, “F.”

Mrs. Poop threatened to drown Chase if he ever turns out like this

Product Review: Heineken DraughtKeg

I recently purchased a Heineken DraughtKeg (basically a minikeg) to bring to Hershey for Leary's wedding, so I could drink in my room without the obtrusiveness of a bunch of bottles or cans.
The keg holds 5 liters, roughly equal to 10.5 pints or 14 12-ounce beers.
At a cost of $18.99, that's a pretty good value, especially in contrast to the hotel bar.
It wasn't that big, or that heavy, and fit perfectly in the hotel fridge, which was quite convenient.
I asked The Concierge to tap it for me and here's his review of the product with my thoughts mixed in:

"The Heineken Keg is a fun product, easy enough to use but has room for improvement. The two step tapping of the keg is easy enough but tapping results in a premature discharge of beer."

The Conch prematurely discharged beer all over my sandals.

"Perhaps there is a written warning about this...who reads the directions on how to open a beer though. The pouring feature is a bit counterintuitive because you pull up on the lever instead of pressing down - this is actually the simpliest way to design the keg flow but people enjoy pressing down on a tap. Finally, the pours of beer have a lot of bubbles (foam), almost look like it was pressurized with nitrous oxide rather than CO(2)."

There was a tremendous amount of foam, and not just after the initial tap, each subsequent pour, even days later, was about 25% foam.

"Perhaps the pressure loss from seepage over the time the keg is tapped requires extra gas so that you don't run out. However this feature does make it fun pouring beer directly into your mouth. All said, this is a good product but I prefer ice cold bottles because of the lack of excess foam."

I prefer bottles as well but was happy with the keg because it did stay fresh for days afterwards (I still have some left), it promises to stay fresh for up to 30 days.

I also like the fact that this is more eco-friendly because it has much less packaging than bottles or cans. But I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to discard the keg when I'm done. Does it go out with the regular trash?

With the foam being a secondary issue for me, my biggest complaint was that the keg leaks. The small hose through which the beer is dispensed always held a few drops after each pour and despite my best efforts to shake, tap and wipe those drops away I still found a small puddle of beer on my refrigerator shelf.

The biggest thing the keg has going for it is novelty, so I'd recommend buying it once, and deciding for yourself.

The Heineken DraughtKeg gets the Poop and the Concierge Stamp of approval, but it is not without its drawbacks

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Beer Pong Princess

Miss Washington Elyse Umemoto is the latest beauty queen to be "shocked," "saddened" and "deeply hurt" by some slutty pictures of her that came out after she gained a little bit of fame.
But I think Umemoto should be proud of these pictures, especially the one showing her playing beer pong in her crown and evening gown, presumably right after a pageant.

Elyse Umemoto playing beer pong
Elyse Umemoto pantomimes cunnilingus
Elyse Umemoto in her bra
Elyse Umemoto gives us the finger

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Don't Disrespect B-Dubbs

Hack comedian Andy Dick perpetrated a horrible attack on the good name of Buffalo Wild Wings.
Dick grabbed a 17-year-old girl and pulled down her tank top and bra, exposing her breasts.
Police were called and she picked Dick out of a hastily arranged curbside lineup.
When cops searched him they found him with Xanax and pot.
Hopefully they'll lock him up for a good long time.

On a Rampage

Losing his light heavyweight belt to Forrest Griffin is now the least of Quinton "Rampage" Jackson's problems.
Rampage was arrested after driving like a madman on Highway 55 in Orange County, California.
He reportedly hit two cars, drove on the median then went up on the sidewalk where pedestrians were walking.
At least one cop tried to stop him but he kept driving, through red lights, until he went the wrong way down a one-way street before he finally gave up.
He was arrested at gunpoint and charged with felony evading, hit-and-run and reckless driving.
And the best part, he did all of this in a truck with his picture on the side.

Bloody Mess

UFC 86 will be remembered as the night Forrest Griffin chopped down Rampage Jackson.

But the undercard featured Josh Koscheck bloodying Chris Lytle like I've never seen a man get bloodied before.

The cut was so ridiculous that I think Joe Rogan called it a goat's vagina. It wasn't quite clear because that idiot Mike Goldberg was stepping on what Rogan was saying, but I think Rogan was actually referring to this cut on Marvin Eastman, the original goat's vagina.

Josh Koscheck wrestled collegiately at Edinboro were Josh was involved with the wrestling program. I know that Josh loves Kos because of this.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Song of the Week

"Homeward Bound" - Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel
I'm glad to finally be homeward bound.
I love these old performances, if you can even call them that. It's amazing that they just stood there (Simon sat) and sang their song and people liked it. Now you can't have a performer with any fewer than 30 dancers, 10 backup singers, 3 hype men and a smoke machine.
Also please notice that even when they were young, Simon and Garfunkel looked old.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Never Doubt the Universe

Master Bates clearly doubted the powers of the Universe and chalked up the whole Mark Feinsand incident to mere coincidence.
I insisted a more powerful force was at work here but when we didn't run into Feinsand at the Blue Jays game, Master Bates took that as proof the Universe has no special powers.
The latest turn in this saga has him believing that maybe something more powerful than he cares to admit is in fact puppeteering us all.
Mark Feinsand was doing some googling (maybe he searched "yankees blue jays" or maybe "Mark Feinsand" or maybe "masterbates + poop" but somehow he stumbled across my earlier post.
He contacted the Master through Facebook which was great to prove my theories about the Universe, but did nothing to prove my theories about John Sterling.
Feinsand wrote "Sadly, I can't confirm the Sterling story, as I'm typically in the clubhouse when the broadcasters are eating dinner."
So after all this, we still don't know whether it's safe to eat the ice cream in the press box at Yankee Stadium. I'd stay away, just to be safe.