Saturday, February 17, 2007

Happy Birthday!

To loyal Poophead, BC.
He shares his birthday with two famous people who will be throwing lavish birthday parties in Las Vegas tonight, Michael Jordan and Paris Hilton.


Albert Pooh Holes scored a perfect 100 on his U.S. citizenship test.
The St. Louis Cardinals' star became a U.S. citizen during a ceremony at the Courthouse. Pujols' wife Diedre arranged to have about two dozen relatives and friends watch U.S. District Judge E. Richard Webber swear in Pujols.
Chester Moyer, the officer in charge of the U.S. Citizen and Immigration Service office in St. Louis, said Thursday that Diedre Pujols served as her husband's tutor. Moyer said Pujols spent about a year preparing for the citizenship exam.
"He even answered a bunch of additional questions and gave us more answers than we asked," Moyer said. "He clenched his fist and said, 'I got 100 percent!'
"He just had a grin from ear to ear," Moyer said. "He was thrilled to become a citizen."
The ceremony was open to the public, but there was no publicity about Pujols' participation. He was the only person sworn in.
Pujols grew up in the Dominican Republic, moved with his father to the Kansas City area when he was 16, was graduated from Fort Osage High School in Independence, Mo., in 1998. He was selected by the Cardinals in the 13th round of the 1999 amateur draft after playing baseball at Maple Woods College in Kansas City.
In six major league seasons, Pujols has 250 homers, 758 RBIs and a .332 batting average. He was the 2005 NL MVP and has finished second three times
Soon after the citizenship ceremony, Pujols flew to Florida to prepare for the opening of spring training.

Friday, February 16, 2007

If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Wanna Be Wright

David Wright needs help picking new entrance music. According to Adam Rubin's blog, Wright is retiring "Brass Monkey" and needs a replacement but he just doesn't know what yet. So he is taking your suggestions.

I suggest "Lovin You" by Minnie Ripperton

Ari Hugging It Out

Jeremy Piven has been spotted with CNN Headline News Entertainment reporter, Adrianna Costa. She is 16 years younger than him.

Hardaway Banned

Say what you want about David Stern, and I say that he is a dictator who micromanages and wants to stifle players' personality and freedom of expression, but sometimes it's good to have a guy who will do what he thinks is right without trying to build a consensus.
Stern banned Tim Hardaway from All-Star weekend in Las Vegas.
"It is inappropriate for him to be representing us given the disparity between his views and ours," Stern said.
Hardaway was already in Las Vegas and scheduled to make a series of public appearances this week on behalf of the league. He attended an NBA Cares event at a Las Vegas YMCA with Knicks forward Jerome Williams on Tuesday. The ex-U.S. Olympian was also originally scheduled to be an assistant coach at a wheelchair game Thursday night and later appear at the fan-oriented Jam Session.
I assume Stern made this decision like he made the decision to suspend Ron Artest for the whole season, unanimously, "one-nothing."

Lost Viewers

TON and I have long hoped that "Lost" ratings would plummet so that they would cancel the show and have one final episode explaining everything. Because the show got so popular the writers thought they would need ideas for as many as 7 seasons. Therefore a whole bunch of new characters and storylines were introduced. And they all sucked. The show has been terrible this season especially since returning from a 3 month hiatus. Well the ratings are plummeting and hopefully next season will be the last. Imagine the uproar if they cancel it after this season with thousands of questions still unanswered.

"Lost" crashed in the ratings this week, hitting an all-time low for a new episode.
It drew an estimated 12.8 million viewers Wednesday, according to preliminary figures from Nielsen. That's well off the peak of more than 20 million.
ABC tried to protect the show by moving it to 10 p.m. EST Wednesday this year to steer clear of "American Idol" and "Criminal Minds."
After "Lost" fans complained about reruns interrupting the show's serial flow last season, the network tried an experiment: It split the current season in two, airing six episodes before an extended break and then resuming with 16 additional episodes.
The show's Feb. 7 return was heavily promoted and drew nearly 14.5 million viewers. But the bounce didn't last, with the show slumping this week.
Although protected from top-rated "American Idol" in its new time 10 p.m. time slot, "Lost" now has the disadvantage of trying to draw viewers at an hour when fewer people are watching television. This Wednesday, Valentine's Day put a 7 percent dent in overall TV viewership.
In the show's defense, ABC noted that it beat the competition among the advertiser-favored young adult crowd, drawing 7.3 million viewers age 18 to 49 compared to the 5.8 million that tuned in to CBS' "CSI: New York."
"Lost" also handed ABC nearly 4 million more viewers in the time slot compared to last year, when short-lived drama "Invasion" aired.
But there's no question that "Lost," once riding big ratings, buzz and cachet, has lost significant ground.
Some fans and critics complain that the story has gotten confusing and unsatisfying. The show, named best drama at the 2005 Emmy Awards, was shut out at the 2006 ceremony.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Spring is in the Air

Pitchers and catchers report to Mets spring training in St. Lucie Friday.
That means we are only about 6 weeks away from Opening Day and hopefully the start of something big.
2006 will be remembered as a disappointing season, unless it becomes the building block of a championship team the way 1984 and 1985 were.

Funny Lines

In the last two days I have had two funny lines.

On the new Enron movie:
"Leonardo DiCaprio is set to star in another movie about a sinking ship."

On State Farm saying it will stop writing new policies in Mississippi:
"State Farm pulled out of Mississippi. Mississippi is not pregnant."
(Based on a line Michael told me once).

Last Year on the Poop

Catching up after a week off:

I fall in love with Target popcorn

I fall in love with Tanith Belbin

Barney unleashes one of the funniest lines in TV history

Scar.Jo and Keira Knightley naked

The launch of Zillow

Stacy Keibler's photo shoot

The Pittsnogle wedding

Brad Nessler insults a waitress

Brokeback football game


As you may have noticed I switched this blog to the new version of blogger. This means nothing to most Poopheads, as very little has changed.
The new blogger has more templates but I doubt you'll see a layout or background change because the Poop's creative director, TON, is too busy with other shit to actually do anything.
The best addition to the new blog resulting from the new format is labels. I tag every post with a label, identifying that post by the title, theme or people and places mentioned in that post.
When you click on the label it will link you to a page that contains every post that has been labeled as such.
For instance, Song of the Week. Click on the song of the week label and you'll see every video. Unfortunately the cock suckers at Viacom have made Youtube delete about half the videos.
Labeling has made the archiving project I stated a while back obsolete.
Because I have to do this manually, it is impossible to label all 2100 posts, about 2000 of which were created before labels.
I do hope to go back and label all themed posts (song of the week, would you bang?, what do you give me for?, love is blind, As Seen on CNN) and create a label for every Poophead who has been mentioned (so far I've only gotten through Mrs. Poop). But there will also be labels for all my favorite teams and topics (sex, hot chicks, famous sluts).
Hope this increases your enjoyment of the Poop even more.

Natalie Maines Manifesto

Why do I hate Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks?
It’s not because of their music (I don’t have an opinion) and it’s not even because of her comments about President Bush (that she is ashamed that he is from Texas). I hate her because of the way she handled the subsequent fallout from that remark.
First, she reacted the way everyone who says something controversial reacts. She said “I didn’t plan it, it just came out.” Bullshit. And “I didn’t think it would become such a big deal.”
It’s clear that she felt this way personally, made the remark because she was trying to get over with a foreign audience and I do believe she never thought her comment would escape that venue, but she should have known better.
After her remarks started a big shitstorm in the U.S. a lot of the group’s former fans rebelled, protested their concerts, etc. She seemed shocked by this too. She even used the old free speech argument. Yes you have free speech, but that only protects you from being jailed by the government, and clearly she wasn’t assassinated or incarcerated for what she said. Free speech does not prevent people who dislike what you said from yelling back and calling you names, although the death threats were a bit too far.
The country audience they had once appealed to is very conservative and supportive of the President. She alienated them. That’s why they stopped buying their albums. And that’s why country music stations stopped playing their records.
When asked why their latest album wasn’t a huge commercial success one of the other Chicks said they don’t care because the most popular music usually isn’t very good. Does that mean their album that sold 10 million copies wasn’t very good? If so, maybe that’s why people didn’t buy the follow up.
And I feel bad for the other two girls in the group. It’s clear to me that they wish she hadn’t said what she said, and that they just want to let it go. But Maines refuses to let it die. The other night at the Grammys her acceptance speech consisted of a sinister laugh and a comment that millions of people turned off their TVs.
It was up to the other two girls to thank the deserving people.
And she seems to think that their recent accolades are in spite of the reaction to what she said, but in fact they’re because of what she said.
Before her anti-Bush remarks the Dixie Chicks were a country group. Then she alienated her core audience which allowed them access to a much broader audience. Plus, they got tons of free publicity because everyone in the media is so liberal. All the voters on these awards are Hollywood liberals, not country music fans.
At the Grammys she should have thanked President Bush.

Hit the one in the middle

Tim Hardaway's A Moron

Retired Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway said he hates gay people and that he wouldn't want a gay player on his team.
He said "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people."
Hardaway made the comments while he was a guest on Dan LeBaturd's radio show in Miami.
The discussion was sparked after last week's announcement that John Amaechi is gay.
Hardaway said if he did find out that a teammate was gay, he would ask for the player to be traded or to be bought out of his contract because it would make other players feel uncomfortable in the locker room.
He later apologized for the remarks, saying he was sorry and should have never said anything.
That's exactly right, in this country you can be a homo-hater, a racist, an Anti-Semite, anything, but it's usually best to keep those comments to yourself.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Gonzaga Goes Big Time

The police officers who arrested Gonzaga basketball players Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis smelled marijuana and spotted a bag of dried mushrooms in the back seat of a vehicle Heytvelt was driving.
The Chevy Trailblazer was stopped because the tail lights were not on.
Two police officers could smell a strong odor of burnt marijuana coming from Davis, the passenger.
The baggie of dried mushrooms was protruding from the top of a gym bag that had Heytvelt's name and jersey number embroidered on the front.
Also in the bag were "three foil-wrapped brownie muffins" that the officer contended contained hallucinogenic mushrooms.
The players have both been suspended from the team indefinitely. Heytvelt has been Gonzaga's second-leading scorer and top rebounder this season. Davis is a freshman who has not played because of injuries.

Inspired Choice

For the first time I can remember Sports Illustrated went outside of the model world and put Beyonce on the cover of the 2007 Swimsuit Issue.

Song of the Week

Be Without You - Mary J. Blige
Terrence Howard is in the video
I really wanted Mary to win a Grammy. She has a much better singing voice than the Dixie douches. Listen to her belt out "we been too strong for too long..."

Getting Over It

Rex Grossman seems to have shaken off his game blowing performance in the Super Bowl and was seen partying at the Playboy Club in Vegas on Sunday night.
I don't expect the guy to sit in his house forever but this can't make Billy happy.

Sexy Rexy

Thome is My Homey

White Sox slugger Jim Thome gets into sort of an embarrassing situation with attending the Oprah Winfrey show, which is an embarrassing situation on its own.

As Seen on CNN

For people like Georgia Derek, who loved Choose Your Own Adventure books, now there is a twist.
For $35, you can have your name and picture (and name of your love interest) inserted into a romance novel. Here is a preview:

Slowly Paul pushed Beyonce back onto the hood of the car, then eased the hem of her dress up until he could feel the soft, sensuous curve of her buttocks. She pressed closer to him, sighing in response, as Paul began kissing her neck.
“When did you fall in love with me?” he whispered into her ear.
Beyonce pulled her head away and looked into his blue eyes. “I thought you’d forgotten I told you. With your memory loss after the accident...”
“It was the first thing that came back to me.” He smiled and entwined his hand through her blonde hair. “You said you loved me. I think that’s the only thing I’ve really been able to keep in my head all day.”
“I hope you’ll remember it longer than that,” she said jokingly, although her brown-eyed gaze suddenly turned solemn. “Why didn’t you say anything about it earlier?”
“I wanted to wait until the time was right.” He kissed her forehead with tenderness and murmured against her skin: “I love you, Beyonce.”
Beyonce didn’t respond with words, but met his lips with her own and kissed Paul until both were dizzy with longing. Unable to deny their desire any longer, in moments they were naked beneath the blanket. Beyonce leaned forward until she was a breath away and whispered lustfully, “Gentleman, start your engine.”

He Should Have Won

As part of the dog show a dog needs to be evaluated on the condition of his teeth.

a bloodhound gets a dental examination

And They Call Him Diamond Jim

A springer spaniel named Diamond Jim (James for short) won the Best in Show and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog show, beating out Bill Cosby's dog and a very regal Akita (I always pull for the big dogs).
Up next for Diamond Jim, lunch at Sardi's.

Diamond Jim

Best Beagle...Mrs. Poop loves beagles and once told Diesel beagles are cuter than labs
I hate this mop dog

The Beanpot

Master Bates, one of my least favorite Poopheads, has threatened to boycott the Poop unless I mention the victory by BU in college hockey's Beanpot.
I really have nothing else to say on the matter because I didn't even know that hockey was still played in the U.S. Someone told me there is a professional hockey league and that the games are on TV, but I never see them.
But luckily for the Master, Pizza Parlor Derek decided to write about the cultural significance the Beanpot has in Boston.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Four Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Die

Note: I am leaving off trite things regarding sex and money. Too easy and too obvious.

4. Be the sole survivor of a plane crash. One stipulation: I have to be traveling alone. This would be a lot less sweet if Mrs. Poop were with me, or Diesel were in the cargo hold. But can you imagine if you are the one. The one person to survive a crash. That must feel really special. And would prove that I am unbreakable. This used to be number one but I now realize it is a little selfish.

3. To the win the World Series of Poker Main Event. But I want my winning hand, whatever it is, to be named after me. And I don’t want it to be a great hand. I want 9-7 offsuit to be called “the PaulAmin” or better yet, “The Poop.” And from that point on, whenever I play people try to play that hand against me.

2. To come home one day and find Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks robbing my house. When I come in the door I find her punching Mrs. Poop and kicking Diesel. At this point I can find no other solution but to beat the crap out of her.

1. Same as above except her accomplices are Gwen Stefani and Fergie. And when I start kicking Natalie’s ass, they come running in and I have to dispose of all three of them with extreme prejudice.

Fat or Phat?

Here's what Serena Williams says about claims that she is overweight and out of shape:
"I was looking in the mirror and my waist is still 28 inches. I think it's all because I have a large bosom and a large ass. I have a large ass and it always just looks like I'm bigger than the rest of the girls. I've been the same weight for I don't know how long and I could lose 20 pounds and I'm still going to have these knockers and I'm going to have this ass and that's just the way it is."

In 2004 SI Swimsuit Issue

HIV Hooker Terrorizes College

An HIV-positive woman who was arrested in a Cheyney University (near Philadelphia) dorm on prostitution charges last week told police she had sex with 10 students.
But Sakinah Kenyell Floyd, 34, couldn't say whether all the young men wore condoms.
University police arrested Floyd about 2 p.m. last Thursday after a dorm resident assistant reported a naked woman running through Truth Hall, which houses basketball and football players.
Two unidentified students interviewed by police said they had paid $20 for oral sex from Floyd, who had been "walking around the 6th floor offering sexual acts for money.
Floyd, who was arrested while standing at a dorm elevator fully clothed, said she was HIV-positive and had had sex with 10 students, saying one or two had paid $20.

I'd Hate to See the Sweaters He Puts on His Dog

Bill Cosby's terrier, Harry won best in breed at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Harry was the only Dandie Dinmont.
The 6-year-old Harry is royalty in the show world and fittingly, he's named for Prince Harry. He's playful and a bit of a mischief maker - much like his namesake.
He's also the No. 1 show dog in America, winning 57 events last year. And that makes him a top favorite at the No. 1 dog show in the country.
Harry is in contention for Best in Show which will be awarded tonight and covered in this space tomorrow.

Who Would Do Something Like This?

Two men approached a man walking his 5-year-old Cocker Spaniel in Clifton around 9 p.m., held him up at gunpoint, and demanded the dog.
The owner begged for the animal's safety and even offered money, but the assailants wanted the dog. The canine was taken by one of the men and given to the other, and both men then sped away in a car. Because of the darkness the owner was unable to get the license plate number of the car.
The dog, named "Scoop," is a rust and white colored, neutered male cocker spaniel. He was wearing a red and green collar at the time that said, "Spoiled Rotten" on it.
The family is offering a $500 reward for the return of their pet. The Associated Humane Society of Newark is matching that reward to total $1,000.

If god forbid this ever happened to me I would never give up Diesel. If they are going to take my dog they might as well kill me.

Save Scoop

Monday, February 12, 2007

Tiki Barber's Future

Tiki Barber will work for NBC next year after spending most of the NFL season entertaining bids from various networks for jobs in both news and sports.
He will be introduced Tuesday at a network news conference.
Barber will work both on the "Today" show and on the network's Sunday night football show.
It is unlikely he would be in the broadcast booth with the longtime team of Al Michaels and John Madden, but he probably be on the pregame and halftime shows.
Barber, who had worked in the offseason at Fox, had considered offers from that network and ESPN/ABC for news-sports roles.
For the record I don't blame Barber for wanting to do more than just be a football player. I never thought he quit on his team and think he had a long and successful career and I think he is making a wise decision to leave before he gets hurt.
I'm also glad he won't be joining the evil empire although I think the "Today" show is shit too.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Hot Coffee

Seattle is a city well known for its coffee shops. So how do you stand out in a crowded marketplace. Hire hot chicks to dress in sexy outfits and serve coffee.
Cowgirls Espresso, The Sweet Spot, Natte Latte are a few of the chains with hot babes serving hot coffee.
As long as breasts and buttocks are more or less covered, it's legal to serve coffee in a baby-doll negligee and chaps, as a barista was doing at a Cowgirls Espresso stand the other day.
Soon, the Sweet Spot was doing "theme days": Tube Top Tuesdays, Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays and Fantasy Fridays.
Drinks were given new names: The Sexual Mix, for instance, is a caramel macchiato with vanilla and milk. The Wet Dream is a coffee with white chocolate, milk and caramel sauce.

wouldn't you rather buy coffee from a large breasted chick in a bikini than a grunge dude at Starbucks?
Lingerie Day at Cowgirls Espresso
Schoolgirl Day
Fantasy Friday, it's not clear whose fantasy
Natte Latte
Tamsyn from the Sweet Spot

Cheerleader of the Year

To the victor go the spoils...
Lauren of the Indianapolis Colts is our final Cheerleader of the season.
She likes Grey's Anatomy and spicy food and that's about all the website tells us.