Four Things I Want To Accomplish Before I Die

Note: I am leaving off trite things regarding sex and money. Too easy and too obvious.

4. Be the sole survivor of a plane crash. One stipulation: I have to be traveling alone. This would be a lot less sweet if Mrs. Poop were with me, or Diesel were in the cargo hold. But can you imagine if you are the one. The one person to survive a crash. That must feel really special. And would prove that I am unbreakable. This used to be number one but I now realize it is a little selfish.

3. To the win the World Series of Poker Main Event. But I want my winning hand, whatever it is, to be named after me. And I don’t want it to be a great hand. I want 9-7 offsuit to be called “the PaulAmin” or better yet, “The Poop.” And from that point on, whenever I play people try to play that hand against me.

2. To come home one day and find Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks robbing my house. When I come in the door I find her punching Mrs. Poop and kicking Diesel. At this point I can find no other solution but to beat the crap out of her.

1. Same as above except her accomplices are Gwen Stefani and Fergie. And when I start kicking Natalie’s ass, they come running in and I have to dispose of all three of them with extreme prejudice.