Saturday, December 20, 2008

Reason Why I Love Mrs. Poop #415,775

During yesterday's big Northeast snowstorm Mrs. Poop and I decided to run some errands. We took Chase (sealed in a plastic bubble) and Diesel to the post office (holiday cards coming soon to a mailbox near you if we have address handy) and to the butcher (we got there just in time for the man in the fur hat to let me in before they closed) and when we got home I stayed outside to shovel.
When I was finished Mrs. Poop was making me hot cocoa. And she added little marshmallows on top, put some peppermint candies at the bottom (which melted beautifully to give it a minty taste) and topped it all off with whipped cream. A delicious delight to warm my frozen belly.

Barack Obama Uses Our Favorite Word

In speaking to children at Chicago elementary school Barack Obama was asked about the new puppy he's planning to get for his daughters.

"I want to make sure my daughters take care of this dog, and if they do their business, and you've got some poop, you don't just leave it there."

Friday, December 19, 2008

Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella

Most Poopheads are probably dealing with snow in one way or another (either your watching it fall through your window and enjoying it as I am or you are commuting through it and hating it) so I thought I'd bring a little sunshine to your life.
I hope this smile by Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman (who is 2 votes ahead of Al Franken) will bring a smile to your face.

norm coleman aka Chompers has the most ridiclous capped teeth I've ever seen

Bristol Palin's Baby-Daddy's Mother Arrested

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor's father, Chuck Heath.

Troopers served the warrant at Johnston's home at the "conclusion of an undercover narcotics investigation," said a statement issued Thursday by the troopers as part of the normal daily summary of activity around the state.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs -- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

Advice for TON

It has come to my attention that TON is heading to Canada this weekend to do some skiing.
As a veteran of at least 20 road trips to Canada I thought I would offer some advice for a Canada novice.
This is what you do when you are going through customs:
1) Turn the radio off. Not when you pull up to the window, but as soon as you get in a lane
2) Do not talk. Once again, this policy takes affect 5 minutes before you approach the customs agent. Use this time to formulate your story.
3) Admit to nothing. You are not bringing booze, gifts, firearms, vegetables or exotic animals to the country.
4) Prepare your travel documents. Documentation for every passenger in the car should be given to the driver and readied to hand to the agent.
5) Play man or lady. And give the person who takes lady 2 to 1 odds.

Note: failure to take these steps may result in you getting pulled over for a random search of your vehicle. Ask JLeary and FatScat about this.

The NFL is Poop - Week 15

What’s Wrong with the Giants?
The Giants were able to withstand the loss of Plaxico Burress (before he shot himself in the leg) but now his absence seems to be affecting the team a little more. Eli Manning was sacked 8 times by the Dallas Cowboys, many of those were “coverage sacks” because the Giants receivers couldn’t get open. If Burress takes up two defensive backs, that creates room for other receivers that isn’t there in his absence. But Brandon Jacobs is a much bigger loss for the team. Without him, the Giants will not repeat as Super Bowl Champions.

Miracle at the Meadowlands II
The Jets were about to see their season go up in smoke as they were about to lose for the third straight week. They trailed the Buffalo Bills 27-24 with just over 2 minutes to go. The Bills faced a 2nd and 5 on their own 27. The Bills had run all over the Jets all game and surely could have gotten 5 yards on two carries by Marshawn Lynch. Instead Dick Jauron and his staff chose to rollout quarterback J.P. Losman. He was sacked from behind and Jets lineman Shaun Ellis scooped up the ball and rumbled into the end zone for the game-winning touchdown.

Collateral Damage
Referee Jeff Triplette got leveled from behind during that Shaun Ellis return, and landed right on his face. Triplette suffered a bloodied but not broken nose and even worked the rest of the game with cotton stuffed up his nose.

Game of the Week
Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Baltimore Ravens 9

The Pittsburgh Steelers win in dramatic and incredibly lucky fashion for the second week in a row. This time they don’t have Tony Romo to thank, it’s the officials who gift-wrapped this victory. On 3rd and goal with less than a minute to go the Steelers trailed 9-6 to the Ravens in what had previously been a field goal battle. Santonio Holmes caught a Ben Roethlisberger pass with his feet on the goal line, but did he ever get the ball there? It didn’t look like it, and that was the ruling on the field. But upon further review referee Walt Coleman overturned the call. I’ve seen the play 100 times since then and I still can’t make up my mind. I have no idea how Walt Coleman thought he saw indisputable visual evidence.

Game of Next Week
Carolina Panthers at New York Giants

Unbelievably this game is for homefield advantage in the NFC playoffs. And if the Giants lose this one they'll have to win next week (or get a Vikings loss) just to stay in position for a bye. And with the way things are going right now it would be surprising if the Giants could turn it around against a very hot Panthers team.

A Brief Rant About the Redskins
I have no idea what happened to a team that got off to such a promising start. But right now they are horrible. I know there are injuries on the offensive line, but even so, losing to the Bengals is inexcusable. I don't want to see Jim Zorn get fired but he has to figure out something to right this ship for next year and to get Jason Campbell back on track.

Cheerleader of the Week
Erin of the Baltimore Ravens Cheerleaders
Erin is a part-time nanny from Ashburn, Virginia (that's Redskins country) whose career goal is to make a difference in people's lives (seems pretty vague to me). Her favorite movie is "Freedom Writers," which I have never heard of. It starts Hilalary Swank and McDreamy and it's about a teacher making a difference in people's lives. Maybe that's where Erin got the idea.

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
Pittsburgh Steelers 10 Carolina Panthers 9

Major changes in this category this week. The Titans lost to the Texans but they seem to have it in cruise control. However, I do think the Steelers can go in there and win if for no other reason than they seem to have luck and fate on their side. The problems look more serious for the Giants who are feeling the effects of injuries to their offensive line. They haven't score a real touchdown on offense in the last two games. The NFC spot in this game will be made easier for me when the Giants play the Panthers.

He's Got His Work Cut Out For Him

Syracuse named Dough Marrone as new head football coach.
Marrone is the offensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints.
I like the fact that Marrone is a Syracuse alum who wants to restore pride back to the program.
I loved the statement he made at his introductory press conference, "Today is the greatest day of my life. This is my school and these are my people. You're going to be proud, and we're going to win football games."
What I don’t like is the fact that he is not well-known and likely won’t have much pull with recruits.
And recruiting is 90% of success on the college level.
It remains to be seen if he can bring back the top high school kids to Syracuse.
But he can’t be any worse than Greg Robinson.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Could You Live Without The Poop?

A recent survey conducted by Intel asked people which they would rather give up for 2 weeks, sex or the internet. 46% of women said sex and 30% of men did. Those numbers seem really high but because like all these stupid surveys, this one is incredibly flawed. It failed to take into account that people use the internet for hours everyday. But normal people only have sex once every 2 weeks (at least that's what Mrs. Poop tells me) and for only 2 minutes at a time (at least that's what I tell Mrs. Poop).
But if you asked Poopheads, I'm pretty sure they'd all say they'd rather give up sex than the internet.

Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler

A Pennsylvania couple is furious that a New Jersey Shop Rite refused to put their kid's name on his birthday cake. They're appalled that the store objected to making a cake that says "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler."
That's right, they named their little boy Adolf Hitler Campbell. Too bad no one stopped them when they tried to put the name on his birth certificate.
Clearly the parents are Nazis as Heath Campbell named his daughters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie.
Thankfully for the Campbells a Wal-Mart was willing to make the cake the way they wanted it.

Go Bowling

Pizza Parlor Derek and I will be competing in ESPN's College Bowl Mania. The object is to pick all 34 Bowl games then rank them according to confidence.
Then you have to join the group called "Paul's Poop."
Pretty simple right?
That's why I expect all of you to participate especially those of you who think you know more about college football than I do just because the school I went to has a shitty team.
It's Put Up or Shut Up Time for you State Penners.
And hurry up, the first game is Saturday, though I think you can still participate after the first few games have been played.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Throw the Book at the Shoe-Thrower

Sure the guy is guilty of “initiating an aggressive act against a head of a foreign state on an official visit” (which is an official criminal charge in Iraq) but of graver concern is that his actions wrought on one of my favorite WYB? Contestants. White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had her beautiful face disfigured in the skirmish following the shoe-thrower’s action. She appeared in front of the White House Press Corps sporting a black eye.

Song of the Week

"Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash
My new boss was singing this morning and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. But I don't think he was happy when he sang "I fell in to a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Beers's New Favorite NFL Player

More than 20 years after its release "Teen Wolf" lives on thanks to Beers who has been indoctrinating his three young sons with the movie since birth, and now thanks to Tampa Bay Buccaneers lineman, the former Greg White. White legally changed his name to Stylez G. White, in court. He modernized the name of that loveable scamp "Stiles" to come up with his new moniker.

Stiles in his what are you looking at dicknose t-shirt

It should be known however that Stiles is not Beers's favorite character in the movie.
He prefers, in order, Coach Bobby Finstock, Boof, Chubbs and of course the girl whose job it was to hold the jello.

Reports of Derrick Coleman's Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

The former Syracuse great was besieged by phone calls after internet rumors reported that Derrick Coleman was broke.

Coleman, who earned nearly $100 million in his NBA career, says he’s doing just fine thank you.

The confusion started when Sherwood Studios announced a liquidation sale of “the entire house of furniture and accessories” from Coleman.

This part was true but Coleman says the items came from a home in Franklin Lakes, NJ that he no longer lives in.

Since his other home is now fully furnished he saw no reason to keep paying to keep the stuff from the New Jersey house in storage.

In fact, Coleman has become quite the entrepreneur in his post-playing days, becoming a Tim Horton’s franchisee.

He recently open a Tim Horton’s in Detroit, the 500th location in the U.S.

Given my combined loves of Timbits and DC, I hope to visit this location if I’m ever in Detroit.

But hopefully I’ll never be in Detroit.

Another Disappointment

Just when I thought this year’s SU team was different comes another letdown.

What started of as a promising season with wins over Florida and Kansas quickly became a painful reminder of the past two seasons.

Granted, the loss to Cleveland State was of the heart-breaking variety as CSU’s Cedric Jackson chucked up a 60-foot prayer with two seconds left that won the game for the Vikings.

But there’s no excuse for not pounding an inferior team, at home, during this pre-conference play lull.

SU now has a game against Canisius then a tough game against Memphis (in Memphis) looming on Saturday.

Let’s say they go into conference play with an 11-2 record.

If they finish 9-9 in the Big East (which could be a best-case scenario), that would make them 20-11.

Add another loss in the conference tournament and SU could once again find itself squarely on the bubble come March.

And I haven’t even mentioned that Eric Devendorf could get kicked out of school.

Adventures in Editing

This well-edited clip shows the absurdity of the Governor Blagojevich scandal and the media coverage of it.

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at

Monday, December 15, 2008

Changes in Store for American Idol

American Idol has already added a 4th judge (Kara DioGuardi) for this season, but there are some other changes this season as well when the show starts on January 13th.
There will be fewer audition episodes and more Hollywood-round episodes. The shift increases the show's emphasis on talented performers and shies further away from the crash-and-burn spectacle of less-talented attention-seekers.
I'm totally in favor of this. The bad performances get annoying really quickly. And a lot of times I feel badly because I think they are picking on borderline retarded people.
Also, this fixes one of the problems with the show. Idol wannabes have often complained that in the early rounds of fan voting those people the producers chose to profile on TV had a better chance of making it through than those who were never shown. This should give more exposure to more contestants.
In order to further emphasize the focus on the most talented singers, the semifinalist rounds will feature the top 36 contestants instead of 24.
The "wild card" round will return, which gives eliminated contestants a chance to come back into the competition for one of the top finalist spots.
The network will not air an "Idol Gives Back" charity telecast next year, but does plan to hold the event in the show's ninth season. Moving forward, "Gives Back" will become an every-other-year event.

Let's See Obama Move Like That

President Bush shows off some quick reflexes as he dodges two shoes thrown at him by an Iraqi journalist at a press conference.

Showing someone the sole of your shoe is considered a serious insult in Iraqi culture. But the guy was so dumb, he used the actual shoes he was wearing. So not only was he shoeless, but he'll probably never get back his nice loafers. He should have bought a cheap pair and Payless and thrown those.
Also, he threw the first one, then had to bend down to take the second one off his foot. He should have had both in his hands and been ready to go. Amateur move.
Also, his exclamation his one chance to be heard around and the world and he chose to say "this is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog."
"Sic Semper Tyrannis" would have worked much better.
And why did he throw a "dog" in there at the end. Does he think that makes him cool? It doesn't. It's like when Josh used to see his freshman year roommate and say "what's up, dog?" because he thought that's how you are supposed to talk to black people. Totally not cool.
As usual, Bush had a good sense of humor about the whole thing laughing it off and seeming thankful that it wasn't Shaquille O'Neal throwing his shoes.

Oy Is This a Putz

The Mets performed an extreme makeover on their bullpen bringing in not one but two top-flight closers. And while the K-Rod signing was so obvious, there’s no way to criticize, the deal that brought JJ Putz has some potential downside.

First of all, the Mets gave up Joe Smith who was very effective against righties. I think Smith would be a great righty specialist in a good bullpen. His warts started to show when he had to face lefthanded hitters (.443 OBP vs. .281 against righties), and when he had to pitch too many days in a row.

The Mets also gave up Endy Chavez, their sole antidote to an increasingly, old, slow team that can’t run or play defense. But Endy’s biggest contributions were of the intangible variety, something the Mets were sorely lacking during the meltdowns the last two years.

They also depleted their already barren farm system. Mike Carp is projected to be an average at best major leaguer (and more suited to DH than first base) but he’s capable of providing at least the lift of youthfulness and energy that Nick Evans brought last year.

The Mets also gave up Maikel Cleto a pitcher who is still a few years away (he’s only 19) but has the best potential of the bunch.

I also wonder how Putz will accept his new role. He went from being a closer in Seattle (91 saves in the last 3 years) to having to accept a diminished 8th inning role. Hopefully, he’ll adapt and provide much-needed stability to the 8th inning, but his acquisition is not without risk.