Thursday, May 09, 2013

My List Of The Two Stupidest Things Ever

Lists are stupid. People are stupid. Buzzfeed everyday comes out with a new list of the 23 most annoying Buzzfeed lists. Forbes Magazine's lists of team values and people's net worths are so inaccurate they are not even worth reporting on. Men's Health, Cosmo, every magazine out there has a new list every single month. I hate lists. But two recent lists have pissed me off more than anything else.
First, Gwenthy Paltrow named The World's Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine.

That I understand, sort of. Gwyneth is attractive, though not even close to the Most Beautiful in the world. But People is a women's magazine, and women like stars who are pretty in a non-threatening way. Even though most women thought the selection of Gwyneth was a fraud based on her publicist taking the editors of People Magazine out to a fancy dinner or something.

If that's the case, Miley Cyrus's publicists must have sent a team of smoking hot asian hookers to the Maxim offices. How did someone who is not even remotely attractive make the top 100 list, ahead of Kate Upton, Olivia Munn, Olivia Wilde, Nina Agdal, Sofia Vergara, Stacy Kiebler, Brooklyn Decker and Emilia Clarke aka Mother of Dragons?

I can only guess they were trying to appeal to horny 15 year olds as the rest of the top 10 included 3 more girls (Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale and Selena Gomez) who got their starts on the Disney Channel.

You may say I chose ugly pictures on purpose, but that one is the one Maxim is using. What a joke. I canceled my Maxim subscription after their cover girls were Laura Prepon and Avril Lavigne. Those two look like hotties compared to this diseased skank.

Why I Was Rooting Against Matt Harvey

While Matt Harvey was hurling another gem, perfect through 4, through 5, through 6, I secretly found myself rooting against him, hoping someone would get a hit.
Two reasons for this, first of all, I got the sense the Mets weren't going to score a run and I didn't want to see him become the second Harvey to pitch 9 (or more) perfect innings and not get the win, or the perfect game, because his team didn't score.
But secondly, I didn't want to have to sell my Matt Harvey 2010 Bowman Chrome autographed rookie card. I shrewdly bought it during the offseason for $22, $24 with shipping. And now the card is selling for upwards of $100 on eBay. If he'd pitched a perfect game I would have had to list the card, and probably could have gotten $150 for it.

Financially that seems like a no-brainer, but emotionally I want to hang on to this Harvey card and pass it on to my kids. I am lucky to have two boys who will hopefully inherit my love of collecting baseball cards, and if they're unlucky, my love of the Mets too. What better way to lure them into the pain and misery of being a Mets fan than to give them a very nice card of the Mets best pitcher.
And if I were collecting baseball cards in order to turn a profit, I would be failing miserably (though I have been pretty close to cash flow neutral for the past 6-8 years because of a $1600 Roger Clemens rookie I sold) and probably would be better off giving up.
Instead, I collect for the fun of it, for the joy of opening packs, for the pleasure of buying low and selling high (or keeping as the case may be), and I finance my addiction by selling cards I don't really want. Not the ones I want to treasure forever. So I'm glad Harvey didn't pitch that perfect game, now I can keep his rookie card. For now.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

What Do You Give Me For? Charles Ramsey and Clarence the Barber from Coming to America

You all know how I feel about those racist autotune videos that make fun of black people saying crazy shit on the local news.
Our racist autotune hero of the week is Charles Ramsey who helped Amanda Berry call 911 to free her from her 10-year kidnapping ordeal.
Not to be racist, but he sure looks a lot like Clarence the barber played by Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America"

The Man With the Flat Hair

Chase's favorite player, Iman Shumpert made one of the plays of the year with this incredible putback dunk on a missed shot.

What's amazing is that he got hurt the very same day as Derrick Rose, with the very same injury. That dunk shows Shumpert it all the way back, not just physically but mentally as well.

And while I'm sharing great plays, I might as well include this one from Kirk Niuewenhuis. Unfortunately, he's in the minor leagues because he can't hit for shit. But this was a hell of a play.

Song of the Week

"Cherry, Cherry" - Neil Diamond
This was Neil Diamond's first big hit, and it's been all downhill ever since.
This song kind of reminds me of "What I Like About You" crossed with "Hang on Sloopy."