Saturday, April 08, 2006

Famous Dog Tongues

Chevy Rahlves showing his ID to an Olympic security guard
Zeus Roethlisberger giving Ben a kiss
Diesel Amin about to eat a puppy cupcake

Diesel Photos

My name is Diesel and I'm addicted to tennis balls
If I agree to pose will you get this camera out of my face?
Irish Dog
Just chillin
Look closely and you'll find out why I called my tournament entry Diesel's Drooly Lips
every year on Opening Day Diesel gets a rawhide baseball
I can't throw it so I might as well eat it

Cruise Photos: Kate and Paul

In front of the ship
en Puerto Rico

Cruise Photos: Paul Goofing Off

looking for Natalee Holloway
at the buffet
climbing the waterfall
I have no idea why there was a statue of this guy in the promenade on the ship, or why his finger was pointed in the air

Cruise Photos: Paul Reading

Blink at the beach
I dont know why Kate took pictures of me reading

Cruise Photos: Ports of Call

St. Thomas
St. Maarten

Cruise Photos: Towel Animals

monkey, wearing my sunglasses
not sure if this is a snake or a swan

Cruise Photos: Gambling

To the victor go the spoils
Final table leaderboard
Dice buddy Dwayne, looks a little like D-Von doesn't he?
Come on Hard 8
Dolla Yo

A Little Early

I love bracketology as much as the next guy but ESPN's Joe Lunardi is already breaking down the top 4 seeds in each region for 2007. He expects those of us going to the Meadowlands to see (1) North Carolina vs. (4) Cal and (2) Texas against (3) The Ohio State. That is of course barring any upsets in the first two rounds. Should be cool to see Greg Oden, the next great center for the New York Knicks.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Mets 9 Marlins 3

I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome of this game. The offense really looks different than last year. Seems like they are drawing more walks, making more productive outs and hitting much better with runners in scoring position. And like I mentioned earlier, hitting with men on is easier than with the bases empty, so it builds on itself.

Carlos Beltran: Big RBI single and stolen base in the first inning. He has to realize that the fans want to love him. He just needs to give us a reason. Also, he needs to understand that there are 50,000 fans, if 1,000 boo, he can give a curtain call to the other 49,000.

Steve Trachsel: pitched well. I was particularly pleased that the three innings in which the Mets scored for him, he followed that up by retiring the Marlins in order in the next inning.

Jorge Julio: I'm actually glad he gave up two runs and had wildness problems with an 8 run lead. Anything he can do to convince Willie not to use him in big spots will pay off in September. But the problem is, no matter how badly he pitches they'll never cut him because they'll look like fools and have to admit they traded away Anna Benson to get him.

7,000 games without a no-hitter?!?!?!?!?!

Should be fun against Dontrelle Willis tomorrow. Oh and is this Marlins lineup ever bad. In case you hadn't heard the entire team's payroll is $15m. I think 12 players are getting more than that, including 5 Yankees and Chan Ho Park.

How'd SCZA Miss This One?

Nikolai Volkoff is running for the House of Delegates in Maryland. Also, he's actually from the former Yugoslavia, not Russia. He faked a great accent all those years.

Will he demand that they play the Russian National anthem at meetings?

The Big E

If you are not a regular reader of Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column, you may have missed what is now being called simply, "the colonscopy story."

"Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week I

I was scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday in West Paterson, N.J. If you've had one, or if you've had any intestinal procedure, you know that the day before such an internal snaking you've got to be, well, cleaned out. One problem for me: On Wednesday, I was covering the Vince Young workout in Austin. My cleanout was due to begin at 1 p.m. My flight was due to leave Austin three hours later, and I was scheduled to get home by 8. In other words, I was not going to have the home-bathroom advantage for a good portion of the internal preparation.

Pretty tricky. I've had two prior colonoscopies -- you should have these things fairly regularly after turning 40, and I'm 48 -- and know that once you begin your prep work, it's about a six-hour process. So I figure, OK, I'll start on the plane home, then finish at home. When I advised a friend, Rich Fitter, of my plan, he shook his head and invoked an old Cosmo Kramer line. "Wet ... and wild,'' he said.

I took the first of the preparatory medication (and believe me, that's putting it very nicely) just before the three-plus-hour flight took off from Austin. I was in fine shape until maybe 40 minutes from landing when the captain came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've been told by the tower in Newark that we're going to have to slow things up a bit because of traffic into the New York area. They're putting us into a holding pattern, and we're going to head over to Pennsylvania to circle ...''

I heard nothing else. All I could think was: My worst nightmare is coming true. It would get worse 10 minutes later, as we were banking bumpily somewhere over southeastern Pennsylvania. The flight attendant came on and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, because of the bumpy ride, we're going to be turning on the fasten-seatbelt sign for the remainder of the flight...'' AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Take deep breaths. Long, deep breaths. Bumping around for 45 minutes. An eternity. Hold on. Just hold on. You raised two kids not to be ax murderers, you can survive this. I'm going to have to get up and brawl with this flight attendant in a minute because of the seat-belt sign...

Out of the holding pattern. And seven or eight minutes later, like the God of Aviation knew what was happening inside me at that moment, the captain came on and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're on our final approach into the Newark area.''

Day of my wedding. Births of my children. Red Sox win the World Series. Landing in Newark.

Once off the plane, I was as dignified as was humanly possible. I brisk-walked to the men's room, and the rest is history."

NFL Schedules

I don't want to hear any complaints about tough schedules because all NFL schedules are done by a formula. Every team plays:
-the other teams in its division twice (6)
-one entire division from the other conference (4)
-one entire division from its own conference (4)
-the two teams in its conference that finished in the same place in their division (2)

So teams in the same division play 12 games against the same teams and 2 games against each other. The NFL may have the most balanced scheduling of any sport.
The only discretion the NFL has is when the games are played, even where is determined by a formula. I like the Redskins schedule. Start off with the Vikings on Monday night, then go to Texas to play the Cowboys and Texans. Hopefully, that's at least a 2-1 start. We end the season with the Giants in Washington at 8pm on December 30th. High expectations this year.

Melo Does It Again

Melo hit a game winning shot to beat the Lakers with 3.8 seconds left in overtime. And it's not just me, others are saying Melo is becoming one of the NBA's best clutch shooters. This was the 8th time this season he's hit a big shot in the closing seconds. He is now 10-for-15 in shots to win or tie in the final 10 seconds for his career, and his eight career game-winning baskets are just three shy of what Michael Jordan managed in 15 NBA seasons.

This is what matters, hitting big shots and winning games. But you have to do it in the playoffs too. This year may be Melo's chance. Thanks to playing in a weak division Denver will get the 3 seed and likely draw Memphis in the first round. That would likely mean a second round matchup against a Phoenix team that doesn't have Stoudamire, and hasn't done so well in the playoffs.

Nice follow through
Pumped Up
Congrats from Julius Hodge

Get a Tattoo in a Foreign Language

New York Times did a cool piece on tattoos in foreign languages (mostly Chinese) that don't translate into what the person actually meant and wanted.
Britney Spears wanted "mysterious" she got "strange." I can sort of see that.
Marquis Daniels, of the Dallas Mavericks, thought he was getting his initials in Chinese characters but what his arm actually says is "healthy woman roof."
Similarly, Shawn Marion of the Phoenix Suns was under the impression that his nickname, "the Matrix," was tattooed on his leg, but Mr. Tang says the inscription translates as something like "demon bird moth balls."

Her Tits Are Huge

To commemorate their 100th issue Maxim Magazine created a 75 foot by 110 foot version of their cover featuring Eva Longoria, in the middle of the Nevada desert.

Airline pilots are jerking off to this

Hugh Hefner is Sorry

Jessica Alba has dropped her lawsuit against Playboy after Hugh Hefner wrote her a letter of apology for putting her on the cover without her authorization.

still so hot

Cal Ripken Likes My Jersey

This morning Cal Ripken was here to talk about his new book about raising young athletes. I passed him in the hallway and I think he liked my jersey. He looked at me and smiled. Maybe he thought I was cute.

Oops! I Did it Again

For the fourth month out of five, I have won the jobs report pool. The other month I was on vacation and I e-mailed in my pick on Wednesday, two days before the report. This month I picked 215,000 and the correct number was 211,000. People are so pissed at me. Several people crumpled up their dollar and threw it at me. George Mitchell is investigating me.

What Should I Do?

I've previously been unsuccessful in attempts to use this blog to solicit advice but I'll give you guys another try. I have been given permission by Kate (in light of an exorbitant expenditure of hers) to get the MLB baseball extra innings package for $159. Should I get it?

My fears are that because I watch the Met games anyway, I'll only be able to watch the other games during commercials. I also won't benefit from the west coast games because I'm long asleep by then. If I get it will I only watch baseball, will I ever walk the dog, read a book, do the blog, eat, sleep or shave? There seem to be a lot of strikes against it but I am home during the day everyday with mostly nothing to watch. Are there enough afternoon baseball games to make it worthwhile? Are there enough Met/Yankee/ESPN games to sate my appetite?

I know Isaacs has it, does anyone else? Is it enjoyable to track your fantasy players? Earlier this week Bartolo Colon was pitching. He had four shutout innings so I turned the game on. He gave up 3 runs in the fifth and left with the bases loaded in the 6th. Who wants to see that?

Mets 10 Nationals 5

There seems to be an interest in discussing the Mets on this blog. Perhaps 162 game recaps will prove to be excessive (especially since few of you read over the weekend) but for now I will try to post at least some thoughts about every game. Because of the magnitude of last night's events I've posted my comments about Beltran under a separate headline.

Jose Guillen: Fuck Jose Guillen.

Pedro Martinez: I'm glad he pitches inside and doesn't care about a potential ejection. With his reduced velocity he needs to own the inside part of the plate. I do remember a similar situation where the Mets batters were hit a few (maybe 4) times in a series, and if memory serves me, Turk Wendell was the pitcher. He tried to hit a batter on the other team (Cubs?) and missed, but got ejected. So they hit four of us, we got none of them, but our pitcher was still ejected. So I can understand why the Nationals were pissed. In fact, I don't even have a problem with Guillen walking to the mound. It's part of the game, as long as he doesn't hit anyone with the bat. On to Pedro's pitching. I was discouraged that he falls into the Glavine trap of giving up a lead as soon as we get it. Other than that I think he pitched ok.

Anderson Hernandez: Not ready for the majors. 1 for 30 in the majors. I know he is playing great defense but he can't get a bunt down. If we keep him up and he continues to struggle like this his confidence will be destroyed and he'll never amount to anything. He needs more seasoning in the minors.

Carlos Beltran: More than the home run, I was encouraged that he was able to get runners home with an out, twice.

David Wright: Just awesome.

Carlos Delgado: So far, he's been exactly what we needed.

Duaner Sanchez: Same for him, so far, so good.

Would Jesus Give a Curtain Call?

After Carlos Beltran finally broke through last night with a two run homer, his first hit of the season, he resisted coming out for a curtain call. Mets elder statesman Julio Franco convinced him to come out, so he did. After the game he talked about being a Christian and about Jesus and how Jesus would have come out for the curtain call. But you could tell that he was still angry, asking why should he forgive fans who booed him. I hope he realizes that only a small majority was booing. I was not booing him on Monday. I do think he will never succeed here, but I think it's because of the fans. I think it's clear that he has let the fans affect him. I hope this doesn't become a long running feud. I hope the fans get off his back, I hope he ignores the booing and I hope he starts to hit better. That will solve all the problems.

Car-Los Beltran

Thursday, April 06, 2006

We Don't Hate Ragheads

Dateline NBC apparently sent a crew and some people dressed as Muslims to last week's NASCAR race. They were hoping to do a piece on anti-Muslim treatment. Unfortunately for them they couldn't create any news because no one bothered them. Good thing networks don't have to run for office, because they just lost the NASCAR dad vote.

Nothing Worse Than Wasted Talent

Dwight Gooden elected to accept a one year and one day prison sentence instead of reinstatement of his probation for his latest violation -- using cocaine. Gooden admitted to having a problem with cocaine and obviously does not believe he can stay clean on the outside. Had he elected for probation, another slip would have cost him at least 5 years behind bars.

New Mets Stadium

Today the Mets revealed their plans for a new stadium. It will have 45,000 seats (about 9,000 fewer than Shea) and will be located right next to where Shea is. It will debut on Opening Day 2009 and aims to remind some people of Ebbets Field. It is designed to be another pitcher friendly park (distances: LF - 335'; LC - 379'; CF - 408'; RC - 391'; RF - 300') but will have a short porch in right which should be good for lefty hitters. I hope Ralph Lauren will buy the naming rights and call it the Polo Grounds.

Where Jose Reyes and David Wright will play, hopefully for a very long time

Duke Sick Fuck

Ryan McFadyen has been suspended from school for his involvement in the Duke lacrosse player stripper scandal. Police found an e-mail written by him later on the same night of the alleged rape.
"Tomorrow night, after tonight's show, I've decided to have some strippers over… However, there will be no nudity. I plan on killing the bitches as soon as [they] walk in and proceeding to cut their skin off while cumming in my Duke issue spandex."
Also the coach of the team quit and the school canceled the rest of their season.

Same Old Mets

Every guy that comes here becomes horrible.
I guess Billy Wagner should give up "Enter Sandman" if he is going to blow games like Braden Looper. A win last night would have been huge heading into Pedro's start tonight. But the bullpen bit us in the ass again.
And don't even get me started on Jorge Julio. At least he performed in line with expectations. All year we are going to have to put up with Willie trotting him out there and him giving up home runs.
And Beltran. Big problems for Beltran. First inning, first and second and no one out, and he strikes out.
For $119 million he needs to start producing in those situations.

Idol Chatter

I am in shock!
Mandisa voted off. Kate cried. When she woke me up to tell me I was in shock. I woke up a couple minutes early this morning, ran downstairs and fast forwarded to the announcement. There was a pall over the audience.
I don't know what to attribute it to. Because she's heavy? Because she's black? Because she was talking and singing about Jesus? I think it's one of those things that happens every once in a while on the show.
You need to give people a reason to vote for you. I'm sure lots of people love her, but because of two straight mediocre performances, they weren't inspired to vote, but they figured she'd never get voted off.
What group of people is voting for Mandisa? I think Chris may encounter this same problem. Not because I don't like rock music, but because the people who watch this show don't like rock music.
The world of American Idol has been set on its ear.
So long Mandisa.
One more prediction. In two years she gets a gastric bypass, signs with a label and has a number one album on the Christian/gospel charts.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Lookalikes: Noah & Spanish

Florida Gator Joakim Noah vs. Old School star Rick "Spanish" Gonzalez

The End of an Era

Kate and I recently watched the last episode of "What I Like About You." What at first was a cute, funny show slowly evolved into ridiculous and unwatchable. In the last episode, Val (Jennie Garth) finally got married to Vic (Dan Cortese), Holly (Amanda Bynes) got back together with Vince. The show ended with those couples dancing at the wedding along with their father (Barry Bostwick) and his gay lover. Here's how they got to the wedding. They went to a spa the day of the wedding. A SWAT team locked down the area while looking for a fugitive. Holly and Val escaped on a horse. Holly lost her shoe, they got off the horse and the horse ran away. They ended up making the wedding and her dress wasn't dirty at all. They did have four seasons though, 2 and a half of which were pretty good. And Mike still loves Kelly Taylor.

Memory Lane

Hard to believe it was 8 years ago that we trekked to Boston for Wrestlemania XIV. Revisit that great trip with Pizza Parlor Derek's recap.
He went heavy on the wrestling and light on the other stuff so I'll throw in a few more details.
1) This trip was the occassion for the famous gay skater fight.
2) The luxurious comfort of Derek's wagon earned it the name "The Living Room." Which would provide great irony a year later when Derek drove the living room into the house.
3) Josh criticized my pick of Sammy Sosa by saying he'd need to hit 60 homers to make up for his 180 strikeouts.
4) When I was a little kid I had a shirt that said "Here Comes Trouble." So when I saw a Sable shirt with the same slogan, I bought it. I haven't worn it in a while, so I think this was Derek's way of asking if he could borrow it.

Best Reason to Get an iPod

I hate Mike and the Mad Dog. They are awful. For two days they have been carrying on about this "Enter Sandman" thing. So Billy Wagner is now going to use the same entrance music as Mariano Rivera. Big fuckin deal. Rivera doesn't even listen to Metallica. He prefers Christian music. So the Mets are "copying" off the Yankees, still not clear whether Rivera or Wagner used the song first. Big deal. What's the consequences. Mad Dog has said two things "you can't use the same song" and "it's lame." So it's lame. I can sort of see that, but to make such a big deal is ridiculous. I'm glad Wagner is in effect saying "I don't give a shit about the Yankees, it's my song and I'm keeping it."
So instead of listening to those assholes, I listened to Stephen A. Smith on 1050. He was defending Barry Bonds of course. Black people are not allowed to criticize other blacks, even though they are cheaters. According to Stephen A., at least part of the reason the media is going after Bonds is because they don't want him to pass the milestone (it's not a record anymore) of the great white ballplayer Babe Ruth. He went on to say that we should investigate the personal lives of everyone in the media. And that if we investigated his personal life we'd find an arrest for driving with a suspended license for an unpaid ticket, and we'd learn that he was "promiscuous in his younger days."
I think it's finally time I go to the library and take out a couple audio books.

Katie Couric Leaves

Katie Couric is leaving the "Today" show for CBS Evening News. Meredith Viera will leave "The View" to replace Katie. Campbell Brown was passed over. The New York Post reports that Fox's E.D. Hill and CNN's Soledad O'Brien are the top candidates to replace Viera on "The View."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Great Officiating

Check out this picture from last night's national championship. On the monitor inside the monitor, was another monitor...monitors to ifinity.

You're right, these stripes are slimming

Scott Steals From Me Again

Scott Isaacs is taking another page out of my book by changing the name of his blog. It will now be Shredded Eagles was stupid anyway.

Best Damn Follow-Up

Monday's episode of Best Damn explained their April Fool's joke. The producers called Tom Arnold and asked him to pull this joke on Strahan, Dibble and Rodney. Chris Rose was in on it, but the other three weren't. Tom Arnold called up Strahan on the side and told him what was going on, and told him of his plan to take it a step further. First of all, Dibble said he was sure it was a joke, but in the commercial he grabbed Chris Rose's notecards and the cards were straight so he started to believe it. So everything was going fine, then Tom poked Strahan in the face and Chris Rose had no idea, that was not in the plan they had arranged. The show is taped, so right after Strahan fell down squealing about his shoulder he popped up and him and Tom had a good laugh. And if no producers truly were in on that part, they still decided to let that be the end of the show. A pretty good joke. Much better than last year's when they brought in a supposed steroid expert who was working on a new test which required Salley and Rodney to do a bunch of stupid shit, culminating in them having to pull down their pants. Salley and Rodney refused, but guest host Arsenio Hall agreed and on his boxers were the words "April Fools."

One More Anna Benson Post

While perusing Anna Benson's website this week I noticed this response to an e-mail asking if her boobs are real:
"No, actually, these are not my real fun-bags. After breastfeeding three kids, I was constantly tripping over my jugs whenever I tried to walk anywhere. So, I got a much deserved boobie job. If anyone has a problem with it, they just might get slapped in the face with one of my ripe melons."

I read this after I have seen these two pictures. I didn't think breast implants would sag this way. Did she get a bad boob job, or is my perception of implants skewed?