Saturday, February 11, 2006

A Bit of Revenge for Pizza Parlor Derek

Broncos fans couldn't beat the Steelers on the field but this Denver TV station got the chance to make fun of a Pittsburgh reporter who made an incredibly embarrassing mistake on live TV. Watch the video.

She's Still Dancing

George Hamilton is gone, that leaves Stacy Keibler, Drew Lachey, Jerry Rice and Lisa Rinna.

Alison and Bill love Dancing with the Stars
Alison predicted Stacy Keibler was going to take that suit off
Alison was right
Alison said the only way she will ever have a threesome is if Bill can convince Stacy Keibler to be the other woman

Stacy Keibler's Stuff Photo Shoot

Sports Illustrated's Answer to Ask the Concierge

Sports Illustrated will be launching an online advice column but the person answering the questions will be our favorite FSU Slut, Jenn Sterger. She also launched her own website with some incredible pictures.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, her site has many great pictures

The More We See, The More We Like

Just when I thought I couldn't love Kevin Pittsnogle anymore, I discover his wife uploaded pictures from their wedding. Remember this wedding was held in the high school auditorium, and the reception was seemingly in the gymnasium. They had "corn dogs and pizza...some dancing and karaoke. It was a lot of fun."

They also posted the sonogram pictures of their son, but only Kate is going to be interested in those.

How can he wear that hat, but not have an accompanying cane?
The garter ceremony, the epitome of class
a good cake cutting always turns into a good fight

Friday, February 10, 2006

If You Have DVR

Record SportsCentury: Jerry Lucas Monday at 8am on ESPN Classic.
I have seen almost every SportsCentury and Jerry Lucas is definitely one of the most interesting. The first segment (8-10 minutes) is great. If you are not convinced you can stop there, but he certainly was an interesting character.

A Note About WYB?

I should have made this clear before the discussion of Lindsey Jacobellis began. For this, and all future WYB?s I suggest using this standard: Would you REALLY WANT TO bang her -- under normal circumstances. If you saw her at a bar or met her on the street, would you pursue her? For most of these women I think the answer would be yes if we used the "would you bang her if she were lying on your bed spread eagle" or "would you bang her if it were part of a threesome with Stacy Keibler" or "would you bang her if Chuck Norris were threatening to kick you in the balls if you didn't" standards. But it's just a means of generating conversation so please feel free to use whatever criteria you see fit to judge these candidates.

Don't Look at This Unless You Have a Lot of Free Time

There's a fascinating and enthralling new webiste,, that let's you see the values of homes.
It either gives you the assessed value of a home (which in this market is way less that its market value) or a "Zestimate" of the home's value (these seem to be a little on the high side).
They take all known data (sale price, lot size, number of rooms, sale prices of other homes in the neighborhood) and compile it into a formula to come up with a result.
It's fun to type in people's addresses to see what their homes are worth. If you grew up on Staten Island, you should definitely check out the address of everyone's parents' homes. One in particular is very interesting. Hint: it has a pool.

Would You Bang? Lindsey Jacobellis

This snowboarder has been the subject of a lot of pre-Olympics press coverage. Just for the record, it's pronounced Jock-uh-bell-iss.

Here's what the press is saying about her:
"blonde curls, demure smile" - NBC Olympics
"Her glowing smile and golden curls" - Gannett News Service
"green eyes and blonde curls...girl-next-door beauty" - Republican American

Here's what our experts think:
“I hate Lindsey Jacobellis. I didn’t hate her. In fact I didn’t even know who she was. But somehow Visa and Dunkin Donuts expect me to know who she is. Why do I care about Lindsey. I’m assuming she’s a future gold medalist but so was Jennie Finch and I would’ve loved to be inundated with Jennie Finch ads before the Olympics. But somehow this chick is worthy and Ms. Finch wasn’t. Why? You wouldn’t look twice at her on the street. I don’t know who Tanith Belbin was either, but now I know why I should care. Plus is Snowboarding even a sport or just something to do for stoners who can’t ski." - Pizza Parlor Derek

"Street Lindsey - She's 'ok', sorta cute, but nothing special. If we were drunk, I'd hook up with her.
Boarder Lindsey - Wearing her gear, holding, or riding a snowboard, she's 75% hotter than normal Lindsey. I would hook up with her 100% sober....but only if she kept the hat & goggles on. Snowboarding chicks exist on a spectrum ranging from cute to hot, always." - Justin

Judge for yourself:

The Finals

It's down to two in the Hottest Significant Other tournament. It's Jennifer Walcott vs. Elisha Cuthbert. Amazingly this is exactly what Pizza Parlor Derek predicted a month ago. If only he had entered ESPN's tournament challenge.

For more Jennifer Walcott pictures, visit her myspace page.

Sleep Deprived?

Kevin Pittsnogle scored 0 points and missed all 12 of his shots in a McNamara-esque performance. Pittsburgh beat West Virginia, WVU's first Big East loss this season. Maybe Kwynsie James is keeping daddy up at night.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Ask The Concierge

The Concierge,
How many pairs of white sweat socks do you think I need? I wear dress socks to work but always change into sweat socks when I get home. Also some days I wear two pairs, if I run or workout in the morning, I'll shower and put on a fresh pair. My wife usually does the laundry within two weeks at the latest, does that mean 14 pairs, 20 pairs, 28?

Please advise
Sweaty Feet
Tacoma, Washington

Sweaty Feet,
At least 28 - what are you crazy? What about low rise socks, medium rise, kenyon style? Sweat socks wear out. You need at least 28 pairs. I would also recommend keeping at least 6 pairs out of the athletic rotations, one always wants some solid pairs for weekend jaunts. Also, keep some brand new pairs for risky undertakings because one would not want to be caught dead in worn out socks. Corpses are gross enough, no need to compound it with skeavy socks.

Remember, athletic socks get dirty and stained. You always want some that are in good shape in general.

Unfortunately, the problem with most socks is that you buy a whole lot when you find ones you like, but by the time you go back to get new ones, the model is no longer sold or they have changed the style to include an offending feature. I have been struggling to find new black cotton work socks since Century 21 stopped carrying Pierre Cardin socks, which were over 80% cotton. One cannot wear socks less than 80% natural materials and keep his feet healthy. I have tried all different kinds since then. Many are too thin. Other thick ones such as "Weatherproof" socks are terrible, they are made for people with tooth pick sized calves. If I don't fold them down, my foot falls asleep.

In sum, there is no hard and fast number to prescribe, but you need to choose an amount in light of your life goals and always remember "Try and keep your feet dry. When we're out humpin', I want you boys to remember to change your socks whenever we stop."

The Concierge

This is What Justin Was Talking About

Normally Justin and I like girls in normal dress, not all made up for photo shoots, but you can see here what Justin meant about Amanda Beard.

Derek Lowe would still bang her


ESPN actually traded Al Michaels to NBC (he was under contract with ABC). In exchange for Michaels, ESPN gets:
• Rights to broadcast live Friday coverage of the Ryder Cup golf championship between the United States and Europe in 2008, 2010, 2012 and 2014, as well as the right to re-air NBC coverage and extended highlights.
• Expanded Olympics highlights from this year through 2012.
• Monday Night Football promotions during the NBC Sunday night through 2011.
• Expanded highlights from Notre Dame football, the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness through 2011.

If you don't work in TV you may not understand the significance of some of these rights deal. Networks have very specific rules regarding what, when and how of much of something that was shown on another network can be aired. So for instance if current deals allow ESPN to use up to 60 seconds of a Notre Dame game for 48 hours, maybe the new deal allows them to use 2 minutes, for up to a week. Just an example.

NBC also returned Oswald the Rabbit to The Walt Disney Company almost 80 years after the character played a role in the development of Disney's signature icon.
Walt Disney produced 26 Oswald cartoons in 1927, but Universal distributed the series and owned the rights to the character, prompting Disney to develop Mickey Mouse.

Further proof Oswald was not behind the Kennedy assassination

PP Merger

Paul's Poop has acquired the exclusive marketing rights to "Would You Bang?" from The Pizza Parlor. Paul's Poop has agreed to send one gallon of Spinach con queso, a dozen donuts and a DVD of Stormy's movies to Pizza Parlor Derek. Derek will also be part of the newly formed "Would You Bang?" panel of experts whose views will be included in each WYB? entry.

This is the wedding cake I wanted
Pizza Parlor Derek loves spinach con queso

Popular Opinion is Wrong Again

It seems that everyone's solution the officiating problem in the Super Bowl is that the NFL should hire full time officials. This makes no sense and it's increasingly the problem with sports talk. People spout nonsense without thinking. How is having an official on the payroll from March through August going to help him make a better call in February? These are judgements calls that happen so fast no amount of training or tape watching would help. The only thing I could possibly think of is to have a penalty review official. He would have about 30 seconds to a minute (while the penalty was being announced) to review the play and overturn the penalty flag. I'm not in favor of that, but at least that makes sense.

Bruce Pearl is Crazy

Yesterday we pointed out his ridiculous orange blazer (which he plans to wear for every game against Vanderbilt and Kentucky), today we update you on a fewer other crazy things done by the Tennessee coach.

After the victory over Kentucky, Pearl ripped off his orange blazer, opened his tie, then for some reason ripped off his shirt and posed like a wrestler.
"He ripped his shirt off. It was just amazing," guard JaJuan Smith said. "He wouldn't let us do nothing to that orange jacket, though."

He was also ejected from his son's high school basketball game after he criticized an official. He left the stands before security had to escort him out.
Pearl says former Tennessee and New York Jets quarterback Pat Ryan, was sitting next to Pearl during the game, said Pearl was singled out because he is the Volunteers' basketball coach.
"He didn't curse him. The guy had missed a bunch of calls, and we were just giving him a little business, and the guy couldn't handle it very well," Ryan said.
Pearl said he commented during the game that the official had missed a few calls and should change ends with another official.
"And he looked at me, and he put the whistle in his mouth like I was coaching and he was going to give me a technical," Pearl said. "I said, 'What, are you going to throw me out?' And he ran over to security. Before anything could happen, I just left the gym and went to the concession stand."

Where Do Nascar Drivers Go?

Carl Edwards says, "There are two kinds of drivers: Ones that lie about not going in the car and ones that go. I go. If you've got to go, you've got to go."

Further proof that Tony Kornheiser and I are one: Tony corrected Edwards' grammar pointing out that he should have said "ones who lie" and "ones who go."

By the way, Edwards is banging Amanda Beard.

I predict the Concierge will have some comment about Golden Showers

Someone Else Heard It

Mike and I thought we were the only ones who heard John Madden's ridiculous comment near the end of the Super Bowl. But this was posted on

"This line from the game was a beauty. It was near the end of the game, and a potential fumble caused a pile up on the field. Madden then says, and I don't know if I am the only one that heard it, "Look out. There could be a foreign object down there." And he was serious! What? Are we watching the NFL or the WWE? For a minute there I thought we were watching Hulk Hogan trying to pin the Iron Sheik for the title."

Still efforting confirmation of Dan's report that Hines Ward said "We goin Sizzler."

I Got That One Wrong

NBC is expected to announce as early as today that sportscaster Al Michaels will rejoin his "Monday Night Football" broadcast partner John Madden on the network's new Sunday night coverage starting this fall.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

If You Love The Concierge

The Concierge has just returned from a brief vacation and has added his comments. Make sure to check out what he had to say about Stacy Keibler and Jodie Sweetin.

Also we will be launching a new feature called "Ask the Concierge." Please send in your questions about pornography, sexual positions, intellectual property law, fashion or anything else that may be on your mind. The Concierge is sure to have an answer.

A gentleman should always wear a tuxedo to an affair

Princessy is Not a Word

Can't believe I left my favorite Winter Olympian, Johnny Weir out of my Winter Olympics Preview.

Weir arrived in Turin and does not like the Olympic Village, it “is not very comfortable.”
“I am very princessy as far as travel is concerned and having a nice room and things like that. Sorry to say ‘princessy, but that’s what we do.”
“It’s a little dusty, very underdecorated, the beds aren’t very soft, but I’m enjoying it!”
“I hate carrying my own luggage and I hate trekking up stairs. I like a nice bed to be laid out for me. So it’s not any of that."
“I’m roughing it. It’d be the same as me going out into the woods, I think. Camping. Camping.”
Like two red gloves, on crystal meth

The Great Kornholio

He used to have hair
As I had hoped, Tony Kornheiser will join Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann in the broadcasting booth for the new Monday Night Football on ESPN.
ESPN said that Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon will take their show "Pardon The Interruption" on the road on Mondays during the football season, broadcasting from the site of the football game.

Bringing Uranus jokes to primetime

Gambling Rink

Phoenix Coyotes Assistant coach Rick Tocchet was indicted for financing a national gambling ring. A four-month undercover investigation dubbed "Operation Slap Shot" into the New Jersey-based ring discovered the processing of more than 1,000 wagers, exceeding $1.7 million, on professional and college sports, mostly football and basketball in a 40-day period.
6 NHL players are reportedly involved, as is Janet Gretzky (nee Jones) the wife of Coyotes Coach Wayne Gretzky.
Authorities are not accusing players of betting on hockey.

Daren Lynch loved her in American Anthem, Derek loved Mitch Gaylord, Derek's mom insisted that wasn't really his name

Four Good Reasons to Hate Duke

1) They get all the calls. The refs for their game against Florida State were suspended by the ACC. Don't even get me started about the national semifinal against Maryland in 2001.
2) JJ Redick is gay.
3) Georgia Derek hate them.
4) A-Rod, Duke and the Yankees

High Stakes Poker

I've recently begun watching High Stakes Poker of the Game Show Network. It's not tournament style, just some great players playing a cash game. Daniel Negreanu, Doyle Brunson, Sammy Farha, Jennifer Harman and Freddy Deeb among others. It's cool because they don't have to follow tournament rules, so they do some cool stuff. If you go all in, and your opponent agrees you can deal the turn and river twice, and chop if it comes out once each way. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was playing, he played so tight it was ridiculous. He got some bad luck, but everytime he got a decent hand he didn't win any money because everyone else folded to him. He lost his first 100K then took 50K off Daniel's stack. I recommend this show to poker fans who get tired of the overdramatics of a tournament, plus Gabe Kaplan is the announcer.

More Chuck Norris Facts

Fact: Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Fact: Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Fact: America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Fact: Chuck Norris will be a guest tonight on The Best Damn Sports Show Period.

Speaking of Best Damn, watch what is currently the last video on the page, titled Fish and Chicks. They had a contest between a Steelers and Seahawks fan to see who could catch the most fish thrown by Matt Leinart. Scan ahead to a little after 3 minutes, the Seattle fan was hysterical.

Win a Title, Wear a Ridiculous Hat

Hines Ward Super Bowl XL MVP
Coach Boeheim

I Gotta Get Me an Orange Sportcoat

Pizza Parlor Derek loves Tennessee Coach Bruce Pearl. He is a crazy man, but his team is pretty good this year. You may remember him from last year when he led UW-Milwaukee to the Sweet 16. In the early 1990s he tape recorded a conversation with a recruit in order to catch Illinois in recruiting violations.

Winter Olympics Coverage

Now that football season is over, I am turning my attention to the Winter Olympics. A few thoughts:
1) Every media outlet is granting the city's request that it be called Turino. I will call it Turin. We call Roma, Rome and Firenze, Florence, we should call the city by the same we've always known it in English. If New York ever gets the Olympics will every country have to call it New York, not Nueva York?
2) I don't particularly like hockey, but the Olympic hockey tournament is very exciting.
3) I'll try to post some pictures of questionably sexy female athletes throughout the games. I will also try to understand why Pizza Parlor Derek hates Lindsey Jacobellis.
4) We will have to figure how to keep the DVR clear while watching 200 hours of skiing and skating.
5) I love Michelle Kwan but I feel badly for Emily Hughes. Her sister Sarah, winning the gold in 2002 was one of my favorite Olympic moments ever. Kate's favorite Olympic moment is the announcer's overzealous description of Jonny Moseley's dinner roll. "He's kneading the dough, he's preheating the oven, the yeast is rising..."
6) I promise several references to Pizza Parlor Derek's mother and her pigheaded insistence that a blatantly gay skater was straight.

Hot Skater

Saw this letter to Bill Simmons and thought I needed to check it out:

Q: Two words -- Tanith Belbin. The hottest athlete I've seen, maybe EVER ... She was SO HOT that I sat there on Thursday Jan.12, and watched an entire three minutes of ice dancing, simply because of Tanith Belbin. She was so hot that I lost all sense of judgement. I was actually saying that the ice-dancing choreography was really good and "Wow, look at her skates!!" I realized afterward that it was similar to the "South Park" episode about Bebe's Boobs. If you've never seen it, this fourth-grade girl starts to get boobs, and all the boys are possessed, thinking all sorts of nonsense like, "Bebe is really smart" and "I wish I could be more like Bebe" ... Then they all start fighting over her like cavemen/monkeys ... All because of her boobs. The moral of all this -- I got sucked in by some hot girl on TV, who I will never even see in person ... She made me watch ice dancing!!! She made me make my friends watch the same performance later that night ... And guess what! They loved her! Even ridiculously hot women on television, who really aren't even physically within 2 feet of you, can make you do things you normally would never think of doing. God bless 'em ... or damn them all to hell. Either way, she's still hot and I will look forward to the ice-dancing championships at this year's Olympics.
-- Blaise, San Diego

SG: See, this is the stuff you don't get in Sports Illustrated's Winter Olympics preview.

So my verdict is, yes, she's very good looking. But obviously this reader has really turned up the hyperbole, like Simmons himself.
Belbin is a Canadian who recently became an American citizen when an appropriations bill assisting aliens of "extraordinary ability" was signed by President Bush on Dec. 30. She was able to compete as an American in international competitions, but in the Olympics you can only compete for the country of which you are a citizen.

Looks a little like Drea De Matteo here
This is a good picture of her
the buildup to the next picture
Derek has something to say about this picture I'm sure

Running Features

Going forward I'm going to add some running features to the blog. I have three topics that I've been using already, and I will begin branding them heavily:

Too Bad These Aren't Brains - Large breasted women who do stupid things
Nothing Worse Than Wasted Talent - Star athletes who do stupid things
I'm a Douche - I do stupid things

I'm also contemplating making an offer to acquire the "Would You Bang?" franchise from The Pizza Parlor.

What running segments would you like to see on Paul's Poop?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Who's Next?

Now that Big Ben has shaved his beard which athlete needs a shave the most?

Ricky Williams
Jake Plummer
Adam Morrison

Do These Women Look Alike?

I say yes, Kate says no, what do you think?
Jim's sister-in-law on According to Jim
Ted's new girlfriend on How I Met Your Mother

If You're Still Not Watching, I Can't Help You

I've told you all before, how great "How I Met Your Mother" is. If you still aren't listening this is your last chance. This will be the last time I try to convince you to watch. I'll still post about the show, I just won't preach about it. I've already converted Josh and Justin, and they are both in love with the show.

On last night's show, Ted was explaining that his new girlfriend is making him wait a month to have sex. Barney (NPH) said "the only time you should ever wait a month to have sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old."
One of the funniest lines in TV history.

Robin and Barney get ready for a game of Battleship

The parrot and the gay pirate

Britney Baby Safety

Yesterday Britney Spears was seen driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with her 4-month old son in her lap. Obviously that's against the law, kids "must be secured in an appropriate child-passenger restraint [a safety or booster seat] until they are at least 6 years old or weigh at least 60 pounds."
Britney said the paparazzi were bothering her, "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us."
But she looks pretty calm in these pictures, and there is a bodyguard in the passenger seat who could have held the baby (still illegal, but better than the driver doing).

Britney's people do not want you to see them, but here are the pictures of her driving down the PCH with her baby in her lap: