Friday, January 05, 2007

Super Bowl Champ

Will not be a team that stinks so eliminate the Seahawks

Will not be a team that has to win three road games (happened last year won't happen again) so eliminate the Jets and Cowboys

Will not be a team quarterbacked by a guy named Manning so eliminate the Giants and Colts

Will not be a team led by their backup quarterback so eliminate the Eagles

Will not be a team that lost to the Redskins so eliminate the Saints

Will not be a team whose quarterback throws 3 INTs in 31% of the games so eliminate the Bears

Will not be a team coached by a guy who plays not to lose so eliminate the Chargers and Chiefs (could have cut them earlier but I wanted to stick it to Herm and the Jets fans who still can't get over that loss to Pittsburgh)

That leaves two teams, the Patriots and the Ravens. For some reason I just don't think this year is the Patriots year. I will go with Brian Billick to win his second Super Bowl title. And God's linebacker to win his second Super Bowl MVP.

Chris Myers is Such a Dick

Just watched the instant classic version of the Fiesta Bowl. They never showed this part in the highlights but watch this interview and pay attention to the flippant way Chris Myers ruins Ian Johnson's marriage proposal (about a minute in). Couldn't he have said "I understand you have something to tell your girlfriend?" Look at her face, the most special moment of her life is ruined by some douchebag sideline reporter.

Told You It Works

Last night Pizza Parlor Derek texted me to say he was watching the Fiesta Bowl featuring Boise State again. He previously called the game part of the greatest night of his life.

On behalf of the BCS, I say to PPD, "you're welcome."

Without the BCS there would have been no major bowl for Boise State, it would have been MPC Computers on the Blue turf. And even if there were a 8-team playoff Boise State would have missed out, they were ranked #9. Only through the BCS do small conference teams get the chance to compete against the behemoths (David 2, Goliath 0).

statue of liberty play

One other thing the BCS gave you this year was the classic between Ohio State and Michigan. Under the old system the game would have still been very important to both schools, but under a playoff, OSU could have rested Troy Smith, Ted Ginn and everyone else and still gotten the #2 seed in a playoff. But because of the unforgiving nature of college football as it is and should be (every game is important), therefore we got our game of the century out of the way in 2006.

Pizza Parlor Derek would have deprived this happy couple (look they're in front of the Statue of Liberty) of their moment in the sun because of his selfish need to crown a mythical national champion.

I'd like to Popadick in her

Playoff Predictions

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -7 kansas city chiefs
What is the Colts biggest weakness? Run defense. Who do the Chiefs have? Larry Johnson. What is the Colts record at home this season? 8-0. Which of those is the more important factor? The one that actually governs how the game is played? Or a happenstance based partly on results from early in the season when the Colts were playing much better...and not playing against the Chiefs.
Now I'm not saying the Chiefs are great; the formerly formidable passing offense is gone and their defense is only ok. But they will control this game with the run and as long as they don't get buried early, they will win.
We'll know all about this game in the first two Colts series. If Manning is on his game the Colts will win. But if the Chiefs can get to him early he'll have his typical Manning meltdown. Manning is 3-6 lifetime in the playoffs, that's not coincidence, something happens to him in big games, and I expect it to happen again.

Chance the Colts cover the spread: 30% (5% of a push)
Chance the Colts win the game: 51%

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -3 dallas cowboys
The Seahawks stink, and they have a lot of injuries. The Cowboys haven't been playing very well but I think they will bounce back from that awful loss to Detroit. Tony Romo has come back down to earth with a thud but I think the Cowboys can run well enough to set up their passing game, which should be effective due to the injuries to Seattle's defensive backfield. Like the Colts-KC game the question is, can they play good enough defense to outscore them? I think Parcells will have chewed out his guys enough to motivate them. They have ability in the secondary, the guys just aren't playing up to standard.

Chance the Seahawks cover the spread: 15% (10% of a push)
Chance the Seahawks win the game: 30%

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -9 new york jets
Jet fans have been going crazy but this matchup isn't even close. So you beat them once this year. The Patriots are a much better team in the playoffs than they are in the regular season. And they have more talent than the Jets. And they have Tom Brady. The Jets are very much a product of their schedule this season. Don't start sucking the Man-Genius' dick just yet.

Chance the Patriots cover the spread: 60% (1% of a push)
Chance the Patriots win the game: 95%

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -6 1/2 new york giants
The Giants have looked putrid lately. They have lost 6 of 8, and they are in total disarray. The star running back is retiring, the coach is getting fired and the quarterback of the future stinks right now. They also had a lot of injuries which precipitated their decline. And the Eagles are on fire. Jeff Garcia has been playing great, they are balancing their offense giving Westbrook a better, more consistent role, and they beat the Giants three weeks ago (not as easily as the score indicated though). But I invoke Pizza Parlor Derek's Notre Dame Corollary which states: "Do you ever despise a team so much that you’d never bet against them because you can’t foresee them ever getting blown out and winning you money at the same time?" when I say that I am very worried about a Giants revival. Still, I'm going with the smart money here.

Chance the Eagles will cover the spread: 45% (0 of a push)
Chance the Eagles will win the game: 68%

Urine Trouble

Saw a man urinating in the street this morning. Not ducking behind anything, not covering up at all, not in a corner or a secluded spot, not pee on a building or in an alley. Standing on the curb, peeing onto 58th Street.

What Britney Spears Really Looks Like

Britney Spears is a tired, haggard old bag. This is what she looks like without makeup. Just horrible. I will no longer defend her and say she's hot. She's disgusting.

she's hideous

But I will always remember when she looked like this.

Glory Days, they'll pass you by, Glory Days

Thursday, January 04, 2007

SU Will Lose

Pittsburgh is the best team in the Big East this year and a depleted SU team has no chance against them, especially because Pitt is one of the few teams that can match SU's size, and SU still gets killed on the boards by smaller teams.

Celeb Sighting

Harold Ford
He was with a white woman.

The Problem with Notre Dame

Here's why Pizza Parlor Derek made a mistake in picking Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl:
Notre Dame has now lost 9 straight bowl games, dating back to 1995.
They are always overrated; started this season ranked #2. In these stupid polls, where you start is just as important to where you finish as is how you play.
They are a good draw for bowl games and for TV ratings so they are drawn into a bowl above their talent level against a far superior team.
That's the reason for the losing streak.

Despicable Liar

A chronology of comments about Nick Saban taking the head coaching job at Alabama:

Nov. 27:
Saban: "When I was in college it was always about coming to the pros. This is the challenge I wanted. I had a good college job. Why would I have left that if I was going to be interested in other college jobs?

"I took this as a challenge. We certainly haven't seen this through and gotten where we want to go and finished the job here, so why would I be interested in something else?"

Dec. 5:
Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga (after giving Saban a vote of confidence): "I am completely sold on Nick Saban. I would admit we made a mistake if we did make a mistake, but I firmly believe in Nick Saban."

Dec. 7:
Saban: "I'm flattered that they may have been interested in me, but it never really progressed, because we just never let it progress."

Dec. 21:
Saban: "I guess I have to say it. I'm not going to be the Alabama coach. ... I don't control what people say. I don't control what people put on dot-com or anything else. So I'm just telling you there's no significance, in my opinion, about this, about me, about any interest that I have in anything other than being the coach here."

Dec. 27:
Saban: "I'm just making a rule to never comment on something like that again because every time you comment on it, it just makes for another story. So I'm not going to comment on it five years from now, and I'm not going to comment on it next week."

Jan. 3:
Saban agrees to coach Alabama.

Saban did the same thing two years ago when he left LSU for the Dolphins. He will never coach in the NFL again and how can he ever leave Alabama? Why should recruits trust him. A recruit has to commit to being there for four years; Saban doesn't.

Women Are Like Vines

When you fall off one, start swinging with another.

Matt Leinart is now playing grabass with Britney Spears who was once again reported to be sans panties.

Leinart was reportedly told to stay away from Paris Hilton whom he was spotted with.

Paris recently started hanging out with Britney. Can anyone say threesome?

Focks' Favorite Thing About the Rose Bowl

So Michigan got blown out, a Song Girl's skirt got blown up. During a shot of the cheerleaders, one girl spun and showed the world her best side.

That started an internet craze. People were able to get a pretty clear image from that frame.

But who is that girl? How do you identify a girl if you've only seen her ass. People used other shots of the cheerleaders, identified where she was standing in the line and came up with Megan.

Why do so few women wear underwear?
Didn't she learn her lesson from Britney?
Was she wearing a thong we just couldn't see?
Is this more or less embarrassing than cheering at the wrong time?

This is a Real Commercial

Not sure how this will appeal to women but Angry Reader has sweated out quite of few of these in his time


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The NFL is Poop - Week 17

Playoff matchups are set and predictions will be coming later this week, but I was surprised even though I knew to expect it, that teams in need of a win to get in (or improve position) would lose. Chief among them, Denver and Cincinnati. The 49ers come into Denver and beat the Broncos? Disgraceful. How do you let that happen?

Coaching Carousel
Jim Mora is gone, thanks to his comments about wanting the University of Washington job and also because of coach killer Michael Vick. The worst part of this is that we are going to have to hear how the new coach (whomever he is) has figured out a way to use Vick's extraordinary talent and make Vick into the new breed of NFL QB. No he hasn't. Vick sucks. The win over Green Bay on the road in the playoffs was an abberation.
Dennis "Crown Their Ass" Green was also fired. I think he's a good coach but he needed better results from a team that has so much talent.
Nick "the Liar" Saban left the Dolphins for Alabama.
Bill Cowher is probably going to leave also, but he may just retire or take a year off, not necessarily head right to NC State.
Tom Coughlin is next folks. Unless they win the Super Bowl. And we he gets fired, the Giants will hire Charlie Weis. You heard it here first.

But He Can Stay
The Lions are keeping Matt Millen. I have no idea why. The guy is horrible, on an Isiah Thomas level. At least the Knicks have some hope that Zeke will get fired. And the Knicks have some glory years in the near past and distant past. The Lions have Bobby Layne and that's it.

Game of the Week
Kansas City 35 Jacksonville 30
The one team that needed to win and actually did. The Jaguars supposedly tough D got run over by LJ. But their third string QB (all black) Quinn Gray came in and led 3 TD drives. He missed the 2-point conversion though and the Jags couldn't catch up. Not sure if Jags would have beat out Broncos for last playoff spot had they won. But I'm happy Herman Edwards is in.

Cheerleader of the Week
Terin of the Kansas City Chiefs cheerleaders
The Chiefs cheerleaders have some of the longest bios in the NFL, here are the highlights:

Lifetime Goal: To marry my best friend and be a loving mother.
My fantasy dream job is: To dance professionaly on a cruise ship in the carribbean.
Something few people know about me: I am both very sensative and stubborn.
The country/city I would most like to visit? Why? Maui, Hawaii…the ocean, sunshine, and palm trees (a great place for a hopeless romantic like
Pets: Solo-Cat, I really want a mini yorki puppy.
The word/phrase I tend to use most often? “Absolutely!”
What is in the trunk of my car? Enough to live out of it for a considerable amount of time!
Favorite game to play (sport, board game, recreational game): Sand volleyball.
Favorite movie: TOP GUN
The website I go to frequently:

Brief Rant About the Redskins
Looking forward to the future and hoping Joe Gibbs will stay. I'm enjoying Jason Campbell and hope he can continue to develop. I think he throws well enough and can scramble which I really like. Not sure what to do about the running backs. I really like Portis but you can't ignore how well Ladell Betts played towards the end of the season. And it doesn't seem like they can work together like McAllister and Bush. But each has 5 years left on his deal. But none of it matters if the defense doesn't improve. FEWEST TAKEAWAYS IN NFL HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If the Super Bowl Were Played Today
It will come soon enough, because it's the playoffs baby!

Best Job Ever

If drinking beer on the clock and traveling to Oktoberfest in Munich on the company dime sounds like a dream job, there are still nine days left to apply for the newly created post of chief beer officer at the Four Points by Sheraton hotel chain.

It has received more than 5,500 applications from beer lovers in 31 countries. In addition, scores of current Starwood employees have signaled their interest in the part-time job that comes with no salary, but plenty of perks. While the job is a promotional gimmick for the moment, Starwood says it could evolve into a more serious position down the road.

"Quite frankly, we didn't expect this response and it's a bit overwhelming," says Hoyt Harper, senior vice president of brand management at Four Points, White Plains, N.Y. The last day to apply is Jan. 12.

But winning the job won't be as easy as buying your favorite six-pack. The chief beer officer is required to have a passion for and knowledge of beer. Beyond that, strong verbal and written skills are required as the winner will be representing the company at promotional events, leading brewery tours, selecting beers for hotel menus and attending new hotel openings. Applicants must be of legal drinking age.

Starwood officials will review the applicants and post four finalists on the Internet to help select the winner. The job will likely be filled by the end of January.

Position highlights, Mr. Harper says, include thousands of Starwood Preferred Guest points that can be used for free hotel stays; leading a group to Oktoberfest in Munich; and representing Starwood at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver in October.

Song of the Week

The Chosen One - Jaheim

As Seen on CNN

Toyota is developing a system for cars that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts the vehicle down if sensors pick up signs that the driver is drunk.
Cars fitted with the detection system will not start if sweat sensors in the steering wheel detect high levels of alcohol in the driver's bloodstream.
The system could also kick in if the sensors detect abnormal steering, or if a special camera shows that the driver's pupils are not in focus. The car is then slowed to a halt.
Concerns over drunken driving have surged in Japan following a series of alcohol-related accidents last year. In August, a drunken driver collided with another vehicle carrying a family of five, plunging them off a bridge and killing three children.
The incident prompted stepped-up roadside spot checks by police, who also plan to stiffen penalties for drunken driving.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Last Year on the Poop

The best names in college basketball, from Porn to Pooh with a Chief mixed in.

Blue died

The Redskins made the playoffs. These were better days.

Fiesta Bowl Highlights

See it for yourself

A Reminder of How the Feud Started

Ten years ago SCZA and I were pretty close friends. We sat in the back of class and made fun of the losers ("you know you're late when Crowley is down to a decent shade of pink.") We shook vending machines to release my chips. We drove home from Wrestlemania together thus avoiding the "Chicopee incident."
Then it all changed. Brian Williams changed his name to Bison Dele. Scza sent out an e-mail warning us not to select Dele in fantasy basketball because he does not exist. In reply I wrote to avoid Armen Gilliam because he des not exist either.
Turns out Gilliam changed his name from Armon to Armen to avoid mispronounciation. SCZA got mad and things were never the same between us.
Until the existence of our blogs, the friendship of Pizza Parlor Derek and a mutual love of the Mets thawed our Cold War.
Now comes a painful reminder of what split us in the first place. Houston Texans running back Domanick Davis legally changed his name to Domanick Williams.

Love will keep us together

Things to Do in Philadelphia When You Love Poop

poop detective
Get the Scoop on Poop at the Academy of Natural Sciences.
Fish do it, frogs do it, pythons, eagles and elephants do it, yet poop is one of those subjects we find difficult to talk about with a straight face. But poop is interesting stuff.
Animals use poop to build homes, hide from enemies, attract mates, send messages, and cool off —some even eat it. Veterinarians, farmers, naturalists, paleontologists, animal herders and power companies use it too.

Bowl Announcing

I didn't watch too many of the college bowl games this year (and those that I did I only dropped in on) but I heard enough bad announcing to last a lifetime.
I didn't hear what Pizza Parlor Derek reported that Dick Vermeil suggested kicking off at the start of overtime even though there are no kickoffs at all in college OT.
I didn't see when Desmond Howard previewed Cal-Texas even though Cal was playing Texas ATM.
But I did hear gay-voiced Charles Davis.
I heard the Cotton Bowl radio announcer do a Jim Ross version of the disclaimer. "Any rebroadcast without the express written consent of the NCAA. Don't you do it! It's strictly prohibited."
But the topper was during the Cotton Bowl on TV. I was listening to the TV broadcast on my walkman while walking the dog. The sideline reporter interviewed Mr. Irons the father of David and Kenny. Then she asked him "with one son on offense and one on defense, when do you go to the bathroom?"
He replied during halftime and before and after the game.
Then Pat Summerall made a remark to the effect of "what a dedicated family, they don't even go to the bathroom."
Reminds me of the sideline reporter who interviewed the fictional Canadian Hide and Seek Team.
Sorry, Erin Andrews, but sideline reporters are just eye candy, they don't add anything to the broadcast.


Every year for Christmas Santa Claus or Mrs. Poop's Dad stuffs our stocking full of scratch-off lottery tickets. And every year Mrs. Poop's Mom is the last one to scratch her tickets and she does so grudgingly while call the tickets a ripoff and decrying lotteries as a regressive tax on the poor (which they are). And every year she wins; this year $15, I also won $6.
Mrs. Scza's father does the same thing and this year SCZA won $100.

Tantalizing Neophytes With His Hijinks

After a time out during a Knicks game last week Mike Breen praised Clyde Frazier for giving a kid an autograph.
The Clyde said "but then I told him 'that'll be five bucks kid.'"
Clyde and Breen then joked about Clyde doing that to every kid who asks him to sign. And they laughed about the expression on the kids' faces before they figure out that he is only kidding.
One kid said "I only have two dollars."


A 1996 SNL skit of Dana Carvey impersonating Tom Brokaw annoucing the death of Gerald Ford.

As Seen on CNN

CNN apologized this morning for a mistake that occurred on "The Situation Room." During a story about Osama Bin Laden the on-screen banner said "Where's Obama?"
The network apologized to Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden.

Oh Boise!

One of the most exciting games in college football history (on par with last year's Rose Bowl) was played last night in the Fiesta Bowl.
Boise State won 43-42 in overtime.
The night started with a text message from Pizza Parlor Derek, "Boise! Boise!! Boise!!!" All those exclamation marks were his.
Then I called him to chide him for picking Boise State and he said "you sometimes have to pick with your heart."
I was going to call him and apologize once Boise took a 14-0 lead but I decided to instead text him about the voice of announcer Charles Davis. I called it effeminate, he called it "gayer than Qadry Ismail."
My night ended with a text message making fun of Ian "the Knitter" Johnson and Pete Thamel.
Pizza Parlor Derek recaps what I (and probably a lot of you) missed out on.
We missed a hook and lateral (I refuse to call it a hook and ladder, as I think that was a name that grew out of a misheard call). Then there was a halfback pass on 4th down, then a decision to go for 2 and the win (or loss) in the first overtime by Boise State (onions!). And the winning play was a Statue of Liberty play.
After Ian Johnson scored the two-point conversion he proposed to his cute little cheerleader girlfriend. A good night for Johnson, a better night for Derek.