Saturday, August 02, 2008

Things I Thought Today

Those of you who are Facebook users know all about the "status updates" where you tell people what you're doing or what you're thinking.
Since I constantly have 10 million thoughts running through my head but I don't want to keep changing my status, I'm going to put some pithy thoughts in here, because this is why I created these freakin blog in the first place. I might update this throughout the day.

Note: all these should be read starting with my name first...

1) Thinks God is obviously sick and tired of me cutting the grass he helps grow. I went outside to mow and he made it start pouring. Instantly.

2) Wonders why the only bit of dog training that actually stuck with Diesel is indifference to thunder.

3) Wonders how much I'll save on my electric bill by turning off the air conditioning for two days while the wife and kid are away. 80 degrees really ain't that hot.

4) Wants to reassure everyone who checked The Poop earlier today and got an error message, I have fixed the problem.

5) Can't eat because he doesn't know how to work the child locks on the cabinet with the pots and pans.

6) Is not kidding about #5.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Strip Club Ettiquette

I ran across these rules of strip club ettiquette and thought I would share them:

A trip to the local "Gentlemen's Club" can be a lot of fun, but it can also be intimidating for first-timers unsure of how to handle themselves. Here are six tips on proper strip club etiquette . . .

#1.) BE CLEAN. If an almost-naked stranger is going to be kind enough to give you a lap dance, the least you can do is shower and put on some deodorant beforehand.

This is a rule not just for strip clubs, but for life.

#2.) HAVE MONEY. If you're only going to bring enough cash for the cover and a few beers, what are you doing at a strip club? Sure, technically you're allowed to ogle the strippers for free, but bring money for tips, a lap dance, or both.

These girls work for a living. They have kids and unemployed boyfriends to feed.

#3.) A STRIPPER IS NOT A THERAPIST. The girl giving you a lap dance is usually nice enough to pretend to be interested in you...but doesn't mean she wants to hear about your problems. Just shut up and enjoy the dance.

No one enjoys talking to strippers more than the Concierge. And maybe Smokey, but he just wants them to get their lives back together.

#4.) DON'T TREAT STRIPPERS LIKE PROSTITUTES. There's a big difference between stripping and prostitution . . . so never assume a stripper does both. No matter how much you're enjoying the dance, don't ask her to go home with you.

This one I can't agree with. They can always say no. Normally, they'll jump at the chance to earn a little extra cash.

#5.) NO TOUCHING. Most strip clubs post this rule...in case you get carried away and forget. Let the dancers handle how much physical contact takes place...or you can expect to be contacted by one of the bouncers.

Follow the strippers lead and a lot of times she'll take you where you want to go.

#6.) ALWAYS TIP. Sure, you already paid for the dance, but if you can tip a waitress for a job well done, you can tip a stripper. Besides, if word gets around that you tip well, expect hotter dances as the ladies try for even more of your cash.

Yeah, that's what you need at a strip club, all the girls to know you're a good tipper. This was obviously written by a strippers' rights group.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm With the Casino On This One

Yes, Michael Wax stunk. He's the first to admit it. The 440-pound Brooklyn man said he was playing poker at the Borgata for 17 hours and didn't have time to clean up. He understands why grossed-out gamblers complained about his body odor, but said he didn't deserve stinky treatment from the casino that asked him to leave.

Wax said he told casino officials: "There's no question I stink. I'm not denying it. I do have an odor. I've been playing for 17 hours."

He said a poker room manager followed him into the restroom and informed him that patrons at his table were complaining about his body odor.

When he tried to re-take his seat at the table, he said a manager told him he couldn't play anymore and to leave. He said he asked for a free room to freshen up, and the casino refused.

He promptly filed a complaint about his treatment with the Casino Control Commission. His complaint will be reviewed to determine whether any state gambling laws or regulations were violated, a commission spokesman said Wednesday.

Wax said his instincts tell him to find a different casino to patronize, but he likes gambling at the Borgata. He said the casino was out of line to tell him he stinks in front of other patrons.

"I would like an apology," Wax said.

If you remember a similar incident happened at the 2005 World Series of Poker where a smelly dirty British guy who yelled a lot was told he smelled because he had been wearing his lucky David Beckham jersey without washing it. The floor tried to intervene but evidently found that there was nothing in the rules regarding a player's offensive body odor.

Baseball is Poop - 108-Game Checkpoint

With most teams playing 108 games, two-thirds of the season, now's a good time to check in on some players and forecast where their statistics might up end for the year.

Josh Hamilton
While Hamilton has fallen off recently, he still has 25 homers and 104 RBI, putting him on pace for 38 and 156, phenomenal numbers.
Interesting side note: In June, Josh Hamilton hit .278 with 27 hits in 97 at bats.
In July, Josh Hamilton is hitting .278 with 27 hits in 97 at bats but the Rangers have one more game to play.

Adam Dunn
His 32 homers and 74 RBI translate into 48 homers and 110 RBI (because the Reds have actually played 109 games so far). Those would be new career highs for him and he's only pace for his fewest strikeouts over a full season.

Slugging Adam Dunn is having perhaps the best year of his career

Ryan Howard
Just like Adam Dunn, but without all the walks and with better players hitting in front of him. He's on pace for 45 homers and 142 RBI. But he's on pace for 212 strikeouts which would break his own single-season record.

Brad Ziegler
Hard to construct his pace since he wasn't up for the whole season but he now has a string of 30 consecutive scoreless innings to begin his career.

20-game Winners
Aaron Cook, Brandon Webb, Cliff Lee and Joe Saunders all have 14 putting them all on pace. Mike Mussina and Edinson Volquez both have 13 meaning they'd have to pick up the pace just a little to get there.

Joe Saunders could win 20

Extraordinary Commercial

Here's a new ad by True North:



Turns out True North is a new division of Frito-Lay. They want you to taste their nuts and this "extraordinary nutsack" campaign is a pretty good gimmick. The announcer actually says "snack" but anyone under the age of 50 would hear "sack."

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Overheard in a Jewish Delicatessen

While I was picking up my sandwiches for dinner I overheard a gentleman complaining about the high price of his Dr. Brown's cream soda.
"Two and a half dollars for something that costs 25 cents in the store?"
While I agreed with his sentiment, I still decided to head over to the cooler and got a cream soda for me and a black cherry for Mrs. Poop.
Note: it's only $1.75 at the deli counter, $2.50 on the eat-in side.

Caught on Tape

The Los Angeles earthquake interrupted a taping of Judge Judy:



Another show called "Family Court" was also taping at the time:

Fuck You, Pay Me

I just saw this commercial for "Feed the Pig" on TV.



Master Bates is prominently involved with the Feed the Pig campaign.

The Mets Need to Avoid the Big Mistake

Every year I get a little nervous around the trading deadline worried that the Mets will reprise some of their past disasters with a panic trade that doesn't help the present but ruins the future.
Rumors have swirled that the Mets are contemplating another such move as we approach this year's deadline.

1) I don't care how disappointed Mets fans are with him, Carlos Beltran is really good and should not be traded for anyone; not Manny Ramirez (who is a rental) nor Matt Holliday (who is a Coors Field creation, at least to some degree). Any trade including Beltran would be a disaster.

2) Fernando Martinez is only 19. If the Mets need a corner outfielder, he's it. Maybe not this year, but for 10 to 15 years to come. Any trade including Martinez would be a disaster.

3) Believe what you see, not what you think. No one with half a brain could make an argument that corner outfielders are a bigger weakness than bullpen for this team. With Tatis playing so well, Endy filling in capably and Church coming back sometime (we hope!) a knee-jerk reaction for a corner outfield replacement would be a mistake.

4) If the Mets are going to make a trade, they'd need to add a reliever, but any reliever worth getting would come at too high a cost. The Mets traded 4 players including their top 3 pitching prospects for Johan Santana, so they really can't afford to part with 2 more. Completely gutting your farm system spirals a team into a vicious cycle of bad trades and bad free agent signings trying to plug holes that were made with ill-conceived decisions in the first place.

The bottom line is this: I still don't believe in this team, this year, because of the bad bullpen and lack of clutch hitting (until recently) so I'm unwilling to push all the chips in the middle to give this club a chance.

But with Wright, Reyes and Beltran soon to be joined by Fernando Martinez and with Johan, Maine, Pelfrey and Perez (who must be resigned!) anchoring the starting rotation, this team could be great for years to come, if only Omar Minaya has the patience to let it happen.

Song of the Week

"A Milli" - Lil Wayne
I used to like Lil Wayne before he sold out Cash Money and turned into a pop superstar. I don't even like this song (except for the recurring "a millie" in that deep voice) but if it's not already huge, it's going to be the biggest song in the country before the summer's over.

This is What It's Like to Be Chase

Everyday a giant labrador is running at you at the only way to get rid of him is to throw a ball.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Baseball is Poop - Who Needs Em Edition

Who Needs Matt LaPorta (or Relief Pitchers)?
Since acquiring CC Sabathia from the Cleveland Indians for slugging prospect Matt LaPorta the Milwaukee Brewers got more than they paid for. Even with a subpar performance in his 5th start for the Brewers, he is still 4-0 with a 1.82 ERA since joining the team. And even more impressive in this day and age, he pitched three straight complete games.

CC Sabathia is paying dividends for the Brewers

Who Needs Big Name Relievers?
One of the tenets of Billy Beane purported in "Moneyball" is that relief pitching is such a fickle endeavour that there is never a need to spend a lot of money on a closer, because good relievers come and go quickly, and the next great guy is right around the corner. But I think Billy Beane might want to hold on to Brad Ziegler. Since being called up from the minors and making his Major League debut on May 31st, Ziegler has pitched in 23 games. And in 27 innings he has yet to allow a run, the longest scoreless streak to start a career in history. The only downside to Ziegler is that apparently, even with a name like Brad Ziegler, he is not Jewish.

Brad Ziegler breaks a 101-year-old record with the longest ever scoreless innings streak to begin a career

Who Needs David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez?
With David Ortiz out for most of June J.D. Drew was moved to the 3-hole. He responded with 12 homers and 27 RBI in 92 at bats. He had an impressive OPS of 1.309 for the month. Maybe that's why Theo Epstein is considering finally getting rid of Manny Ramirez.

J.D. Drew could be a reason to trade Manny Ramirez

Who Needs Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder?
Though the St. Louis Cardinals have fallen off recently their impressive early season run was made even more impressive because their top two pitchers contributed nothing. Instead the Cardinals got it done with the no-name triumverate of Kyle Lohse (12-3, 3.68 ERA), Braden Looper (10-8, 4.38 ERA) and Todd Wellemeyer (8-4, 4.19 ERA).

Who Needs the Road?
Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster is having a great season despite pitching in the hitter's park of Wrigley Field. But without Wrigley, Dempster would be nowhere. He is 10-1 with a 2.72 ERA at home, and 1-3 with a 3.42 on the road. In fact, this trend has gone on for a couple years, in 2007 as a closer he was 1-2 with a 2.86 ERA at home, and 0-4 with a 5.06 on the road. In fact before his July 20th win in Houston, his last road win was June 2 -- 2006.

Who Needs Singles?
From June 7th through July 28th Detroit Tigers outfielder Marcus Thames has been on a colossal tear, bombing 15 homers in only 125 at bats (1 every 8.33 at bats). Over that span he has 33 hits (a subpar .264 batting average) but only 12 of those are singles. Even the most prodigious power hitters don't hit more homers than singles over any stretch.
But Thames has company in this rare club. During the month of May Marlins outfielder Cody Ross went 14 for 50 (.280) and hit 10 home runs. He had only 4 singles but slugged an impressive .880 for the month.

Marcus Thames hits homers, not singles

Interesting Picture of the Week
Another cat attends a baseball game, this time in Oakland.

cat on the field

Poopheads, Literally

SHIZUKA new york Spa is run by master aesthetician Shizuka Bernstein and offers the latest trend in skin care, the Geisha Facial. The new facial treatment is made from Nightingale droppings and has been coined the Bird Poop Facial by fans and curious spectators.

The Geisha "Bird Poop" Facial "is made with all natural ingredients, including Japanese Rice Bran to brighten and soften skin complexion using natural enzymes," explains Bernstein. "The most important ingredient is Uguisu no Fun, or powdered Nightingale Droppings, which is an old secret ingredient of the traditional kabuki actors and Geisha used to remove makeup."

The Geisha Facial is named after the Geisha who have always been known for their clear porcelain, unblemished complexion. This beautiful appearance was later found to cause chronic skin problems because of the zinc in their facial powder. Geisha found a unique remedy when they discovered that the Uguisu no Fun could not only be used to remove makeup but also to brighten, heal and retexturize their skin.

"At SHIZUKA new york, the Geisha cosmetic secret is artfully revitalized for modern skin care treatment," says Bernstein. "The Uguisu no Fun is sanitized through exposure to ultraviolet light to kill bacteria before being finely milled into powder and is safe to use on the skin."

Why I Hate Rachael Ray

I hate Rachael Ray. I hate everything about her. But until now I couldn't quite explain it. But now she is out with a new line of dog food called "Nutrish." If that doesn't make you want to smash a bottle of EVOO over her stupid head, then you have more self-control than I.

To Protect and Serve

Unfortunately this is why so many people have a bad impression of cops, especially in NYC. Well that and the shootings of unarmed black people. This video was filmed during some kind of bicycle protest in Times Square



Patrick Pogan is the cop and Christopher Long is the bike rider.
Long, 29, was charged with attempted assault, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct, according to the complaint filed by the Manhattan District Attorney's office.
The complaint alleges that Long's cycling "caused disruption of the normal flow of vehicular traffic." When the officer asked the defendant to stop, Long allegedly "drove (his) bicycle directly into the (officer's) body, causing (him) to fall to the ground and ... suffer lacerations on (his) forearms."

Reports are that Long was being particularly douchey, swerving in front of cars and maybe even assaulting someone, but even if Long needed to be taken down, Pogan should have done it much differently.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Would You Bang? Helen Mirren

Helen Mirren is 63 but she still looks like a Queen. You wouldn't need birth control, so would you bang her?





Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Real Mrs. Wright

After dozens of false rumors finally the truth has emerged. David Wright is dating model Molly Beers (no relation to Pa Beers, at least none we can see), and she is hot. Good job David but I'd rather see you playing the field like Derek Jeter and going after chicks way more famous.

molly beers and david wright
david wright and his girlfriend Molly Beers