Saturday, April 03, 2010

2010 Baseball Season Predictions

AL East: New York Yankees
AL Central: Minnesota Twins
AL West: Seattle Mariners
AL Wild Card: Tampa Bay Rays

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals
NL West: Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wild Card: Cincinnati Reds

ALCS: Yankees over Rays
NLCS: Cardinals over Phillies
World Series: Yankees over Cardinals
[How could I have forgotten those categories]

AL MVP: Evan Longoria
NL MVP: Pooh Holes
AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez
NL Cy Young: Tim Lincecum
AL Rookie of the Year: Brian Matusz
NL Rookie of the Year: Jason Heyward
AL Manager of the Year: Don Wakamatsu
NL Manager of the Year: Dusty Baker
AL Comeback Player of the Year: Josh Hamilton
NL Comeback Player of the Year: Jose Reyes

Post your predictions in the comments section and maybe you can be like JLeary. I scored last year's baseball picks for him mostly because of his call of Zach Greinke for Cy Young. And I also rule him the winner of the NFL predictions because he got 8 playoff teams right and was the only one to have New Orleans or Indianapolis in a conference title game.

Como Se Dice "Snooki" En Espanol?

MTV has started airing "Jersey Shore" in more than 30 countries.
While many Poopheads -- especially those of us from Staten Island -- have seen people like this everyday of our lives, getting foreigners to fall in love with -- or at least understand -- Pauly D will be a little more difficult.
MTV executives say they believe the “Jersey Shore” narrative is universally appealing. One of the overseas print ads for the show sums it up bluntly: “Muscles + gel + tanning bed = sex.”
“G.T.L.,” or “gym, tan, laundry,” will be known in Latin America, “gimnasio, bronceado, lavanderĂ­a.”

Compared to other MTV shows “Jersey Shore” is actually easier to promote overseas “because it has a more human element.”
“Tila Tequila was much harder,” he said, referring to the dating shows starring a model.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Proof Lotteries are a Regressive Tax

As much as I enjoy playing the lottery occassionally, I understand it perfectly. The odds of winning are very poor and almost any other method of gambling is more likely to make you a winner.
Lotteries raise money for municipalties. Lotteries are mainly played by poor people.
Which brings me to the story of Bonnie Preece, the grocery story cashier from London, Ontario, Canada.
She won $20.6 million after purchasing two $2 Quick Pick tickets and was so much in disbelief, she called up her sister to double check the winning numbers.
She and husband Bill Rollings can now afford things like a new car and buying their first home — something her $12.30-an-hour salary wouldn’t let her afford for a long time.
“I have $80.17 in savings,” she said.
Asked if she would help out her ex-husband, she turned to the cameras and said, “Sucks to be you.”

A woman with $80 in savings is playing the lottery?
She's an idiot. She'll blow through her $20 million in about a year and be back loading bags at the No Frills before you know it.

And yet poker is verboten because it's a game of chance.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Soulmates

There are 6 billion people in the world and ur likely to meet perhaps 1 one-millionth of them, or 6000 people. Half of those will not be of your preferred gender so you're talking about 3000 possible mates. So the chances of finding your soulmate seem pretty slim.

But I feel like I've been lucky in life because I found my soulmate.

Meet Veronica:



Mrs. Poop is actually something of a misnomer. She hates poop. Whenever I call her to check out one of my prodigious ploppers she refuses. And often makes me turn the fan on to dissipate the smell.

They say your large intestine is 30 feet long. Mine is 31.

I'm a Poop Talker

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Song of the Week

"Smooth Operator" - Sade
I love the smooth, jazzy sound of this one. She is such a unique artist, no one even tries to copy her.

Does This Mean the Average Age at Marriage is 70?

The average person’s sex life ends by the age of 70, according to a report published today in the British Medical Journal.

Men age 30 have an average of 35 years of sexually active life remaining, compared with 31 years for women, researchers at the University of Chicago’s department of obstetrics and gynecology estimated after reviewing a survey of 3,000 people. A separate survey of older people showed that by 55, men have an average sexual life expectancy of 15 years and women can expect 10 more years, the researchers found.

People in very good or excellent health were almost twice as likely to be interested in sex as people in poorer health, according to the study. Men lost more years of sexual activity as a result of poor health than women, the researchers said. That may motivate men to pursue healthier lifestyles, they said.

“Translation of expectations about the duration and quality of sexually active life may, at the individual level, influence important health behaviors to promote or prolong sexual functioning, such as adherence to medical treatment or maintenance of a healthy lifestyle,” the researchers wrote.

In statistics, projections of how long people will live vary according to age. Life expectancy increases as people reach middle age because they have survived risks that earlier in life reduced their chances of making it to old age.

The team, led by Stacy Tessler Lindau, used data from a 1995-1996 survey of 3,000 men and women between ages 25 and 74 and a 2005-2006 survey of 3,000 men and women between 57 and 85. Men were more likely than women to be sexually active, report a having a good quality sex life and be interested in sex, according to the study.

The gap was largest among 75- to 85-year-olds. About 40 percent of men in that group were sexually active, compared with 17 percent of women, the researchers found.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

But Michelle is Loving It

The Eastern Echo of Ypsilanti, Michigan may want to hire a headline writer or two from the New York Post. I'm not sure this correctly conveys the Republicans worries about the health care bill.



"Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package" is still only my second favorite funny headline in the history of the Poop.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Final Four is Set and No One is More Surprised Than I Am

Saturday morning things were starting to look pretty rosy for my bracket. I had Kansas State, Kentucky and Baylor, and can’t believe none of those teams won.

I’m even more shocked that 200 people have all four final four teams correct on espn.com’s tournament challenge.

Butler beat Kansas State in almost the exact same way as they beat Syracuse. They got out to an early lead (20-10). They forced a lot of turnovers (20). They gave up the lead late in the second half (52-51). They went on a run (12-4) to seal the game and scored the same amount of points (63).

West Virginia beating Kentucky to me is one of the biggest surprises of the tournament. I still don’t know how they did it so easily. Joe Missoula picked a good time to have the best game of his career.

Tom Izzo is a fuckin genius. In the last 12 years he made the Final Four 6 times. He’s done it as a favorite, a 1 seed three times and a 2 seed last year. He's also done it as a 5 seed without beating any higher seed teams (this year). And he's done it as a 5 seed by beating the #1 and #2 seeds (2005, when he played Vermont in the second round, fresh off their upset of Syracuse). The only time he lost an Elite Game they were a 7 seed. The numbers on Izzo and Michigan State are just amazing. And since he’s done it with three distinct groups of players he has to have at least some hand in the success.

I'm still impressed with Baylor even though they lost. LaceDarius Dunn and Tweety Carter are awesome, and Epke Udoh is one of the most athletic big men in the nation.

I think they got screwed by a bad call. With 4 and a half minutes left Quincy Acy drove and hit a teardrop over Greg Zoubek. But he was called with a questionable charge. I think Zoubek was still moving. The call completely changed the game. Instead of a 4-point lead, Baylor was up 2, and down 1 a few seconds later.

Duke did nothing to dispel its reputation as a team of annoying white pussies. Kyle Singler didn't show up, missing all 10 shots from the field. Scheyer also looked like a little bitch when he swung his elbows and started a minor incident which inexplicably ended with only Quincy Acy getting teed up.

But I will give Duke credit, they are tougher this year than most Duke teams have been, and their work on the offensive glass won this game for them.

No Negatives

In Chase's potty-training we've learned that negatives are a negative. It should be a positive experience where the child is rewarded for his successes but not shamed or scolded for his failures.
Because the word "accident" sounds pejorative I have been calling any urinary misfires, "Fergies."

Fergie pisses her pants

Thankfully we haven't had too many Fergies in week 1 post-potty training boot camp.