Saturday, November 26, 2005

Dishonest TV People

NBC didn't report the news of the parade accident, instead they showed footage of the M&M's balloon from last year. On an even more surprising note, the father of the two girls who got hit in the head by the falling lamp says it was an accident and they do not plan to sue.

Good News for Derek

The New York Post says bitter food servers are teaming up to out bad tippers. Waiters and waitresses post the names of bad tippers at The names go into the site's Shitty Tipper Database or STD for short.
The Post says celebrities like J.lo, Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow have all been outed, as well as thousands of regular folks.
Howard Stern was praised for being a good tipper.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Mets Need to Get Wagner

The Blue Jays signed B.J. Ryan to a 5 year, $47.5m deal. This is one year longer than the Mets are offering Wagner, at a little less per year. Seems fair to me. Ryan has better potential, but Wagner has proven it. The crops don't grow on cloudy days.

Great Pickup Line

This story was originally told to me by Jeremy. Dikembe Mutumbo used to walk into parties at Georgetown and say (in his deep baritone): "Who Wants to Sex Mutumbo?" or "Who Wants to Sex Dikembe?" I have heard both versions. Now some joker is trying to capitalize by selling t-shirts. Beers is pissed he didn't think of it first.

But They Was Fine Hos

Nelly and Jermaine Dupri reportedly felt so guilty about a night at a strip club that they decided to spend $10,000 on toys for needy kids, to match what they spent on lap dances at the club.

Subway Idiots

Ever see those people while waiting for a subway, who crane their necks to see down the tunnel to find out when the train is coming. Well, one idiot got hit in the head by the train, for the second time. Great quote from the article: "It was unclear Monday what led to either incident." It's clear to me. This moron keeps sticking his head in front of oncoming trains. Case closed.

Good Call by Derek

When Rex Grossman suffered his second consecutive season ending injury earlier this year, Pizza Parlor Derek sent Billy a text message, sarcastically saying Kyle Orton would win Offensive Rookie of the Year. Turns out PPD might be a clairvoyant.
Orton is not putting up big numbers but he is winning, and other rookies aren't doing so well.
Alex Smith never plays, Cedric Benson is hurt and out for a while.
Cadillac Williams will probably win if he stays healthy. He already has 632 yards and 3 TDs.
Ronnie Brown has 731 yards and 3 TDs, but he may not have prominence because he is splitting time with Ricky Williams.
Matt Jones is my personal favorite, but he only has 331 yards and 4 TDs.
Orton does have 8 TDs and 11 INTs and only a 62.5 QB rating but he is winning games. I wonder if that will count for something.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Silver Lining from a Black Cloud

One good thing did come out of SU's loss to Bucknell. I learned that Darryl Watkins is called Mookie by his friends and family. He is now Eric's favorite player on the team.

Gets By Buckner! Gets By Buckner!  I hope this picture makes Derek cry, but mayhe he got over it after last year

How Do You Pronounce This Name?

I saw this guy's name on the bottom line on ESPN. I can only hope that Stanford has a big season and he becomes a prominent player so we can hear his name pronounced often, maybe even by David Stern at the Draft.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Working for 15%

Derek explains what it's like to be a waiter. Knowing Derek I can honestly believe he saved every note from a female customer written on the back of the check. Derek took the post down for fear of repercussions. Let's just say this: single moms love him. One left a $50 bill for a $7 meal.

This is not Derek, but it's the funniest picture of a waiter I could find.  I think it's actually a 6 or so for Beers, funny considering the waiter is carrying a tray of beers.

Weekly Picks

4-2 last week, 22-14 overall. Evidently Mike is reading these, judging by his big move in the standings. We can only wonder what Josh is reading.

DALLAS +1.5 denver: Thanksgiving games are tough. Dallas usually comes to play on Thanksgiving. Denver is due for a loss. But I'll take the Broncos on the theory that you always take the better team if you can get points too.

CINCINNATI -9.5 baltimore: This is one of those made for me games. This game has everything I'm looking for. A bad team coming off a big win. A good team coming off a tough loss. Though I'm not convinced about the Bengals yet, they do have a good offense, and a good enough defense to hold a crappy offensive team to 13 points or fewer. I don't worry about the big spread. I take the Bengals.

ARIZONA +3.5 jacksonville: Crappy teams generally don't beat better teams two weeks in a row. But the Jaguars went 58 games without scoring more than 30 points, then did it two weeks in a row. I'll take the Jaguars and pray they don't burn me with another field goal victory.

OAKLAND -7.5 miami: This is just too many points for one crappy team to give to another. Unless the Raiders are like last year's Bills (a bad team that makes a move late in the season and comes up just short) there is no way they are winning this game by more than a touchdown. The Dolphins sucked last week but I think they can run the ball well enough to stay in the game.

PHILADELPHIA -4.5 green bay: This game is impossible to call. I really think the Packers still stink but it's hard to pick the Eagles minus Nabb and TO until they show you something. I think this might be the week the rest of the Eagles get a dead cat bounce.

JETS -0.5 saints: Hello! Don't pick the Jets under any circumstances for the rest of the season. That only leaves one team left in this game, the Saints.

Beer Pong, Part III

As promised here is Part III of Dartmouth's series on beer pong. This final chapter follows the evolution of women in beer pong. They are now accepted as beer pong players, especially when they lose get drunk and make out with each other. This article does not mention the former Kate Foley's crushing defeat in a one-on-one match to the man who later became her husband. Odds are she wished she had never played that night.

Mets Get Delgado

According to Newsday the Mets acquired Carlos Delgado for Mike Jacobs and Yusmeiro Petit.
I'm not a huge fan of this trade because Delgado didn't want to come here last year, and he doesn't want to be here now. Big hitters don't do well in Shea Stadium. So if he starts off the season poorly the fans will boo and the pressure will make it impossible for him to do well.
The Mets jinx is going to claim its next victim.

Jerry from Queens

Seinfeld was very funny on WFAN with Steve Somers yesterday.
On the difference between Mets and Yankees fans: Mets fans have a personality, Yankees fans need one. The Yankee fan was is well-dressed and confident. The Met fan is just trying to keep the shirt in the pants. There's a mustard stain. I identify more with that group of people.

On Billy Wagner: I want him but was not asked to help recruit him. The Knicks once asked me to tape a message to Tim Duncan to try to convince him to come to the Knicks. I said "San Antonio or New York. Enough said."

On Carlos Beltran: Larry David once said to me "some hitters are scary on other teams, but when they come to your team they're not scary anymore.

On the New Seinfeld DVD: The Marine Biologist is one of my favorite episodes.

On his favorite comedian: Harold Reynolds on Baseball Tonight. Hearing him break down the intricacies of the hidden ball trick.

Enjoy Your Stay Tiger!

Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh are all competing in the Grand Slam of Golf at the Poipu Bay Golf Course at the beautiful Grand Hyatt Resort in Kauai. Mrs. Poop and I stayed there on our honeymoon. Nicest hotel ever. Golf course looked great, but I think greens fees were about $250. I hope Tiger has the root beer float at the clubhouse restaurant. Although when we were there they had no root beer so they made us Coke floats and didn't charge us. I also hope Tiger gets the effeminate waiter who laughed at my pirate's booty t-shirt.

I hope Viajy falls in the ocean

Being Right All The Time Really Sucks

Yesterday I predicted that SU would lose to Bucknell. As always, I was right, 74-69 in the Carrier Dome.
I also predicted that Gerry McNamara would be to blame for the loss. I didn't see the game, but I did read the boxscore. 6-19 shooting (4-13 from downtown) and 4 assists and five turnovers.
So far this season he is 17 for 74 shooting. That's 23%. Why does anyone still believe that he is a good player? He is awful. He is 11 for 45 on 3-pointers, 24%. I don't want to hear that he is forcing shots. He did the same crap last year when he had Warrick around to pass to. He just isn't a good player.

How to Get Free Food

McDonald's is launching a gift card promotion just in time for the holidays. After the holidays they'll promote it as a cashless way to pay.
Here is what they are doing to promote the idea:

McDonald's will give away $22 million in promotional Arch Cards starting Nov. 29 to make a splash for the marketing campaign, including 5 million $1 cards handed out to Southwest Airlines Co. customers at 61 U.S. airports through Dec. 13 and on board Southwest flights from Dec. 14-28.

Customers at McDonald's restaurants can receive a $1 Arch Card from Nov. 29 through Dec. 5, while the $9 million in cards last, with the purchase of Chicken Selects strips or a Premium Chicken Sandwich. Another 8 million $1 cards will be given away through an American Express consumer card mailing.

I strongly recommend the Chicken Selects with the buffalo sauce. And even though its only $1 at McDonald's that can buy you something tasty. So I guess this story is news you CAN use.

Cop Takes Nude Photos

Interesting case going on in Staten Island. Stacia Lipka, a stripper and the step-daughter of David Bowie, who was raped says the cop investigating her rape took nude photos of her in her hospital room.
The photos were found in the cop's locker.
He claims she gave them to him when he visited her house to investigate the crime. She also said "here's my sexy detective," then dropped to her knees and offered to blow him.
Unfortunately for the detective he also took a photo of another woman's nipple ring after she left the scene of an accident. He said he was required to take photos of all distinguishing marks like tattoos and piercings.
One interesting side note: The Assistant District Attorney prosecuting this case is named Autumn Levine. We went to high school with an Autumn Levine but someone told me she got implants and worked at Hooters. Maybe she was just paying her way through law school. Anyone with more information is asked to post it in the comments section.

Pudge Padilla?

Terror suspect Jose Padilla was charged yesterday, basically for being a terrorist. Todd says he looks like Tigers catcher Pudge Rodriguez. I give it a 7. Post your ratings in the comments section.

held by the U.S. military for three years
held onto the ball in a crucial home plate collision against the Giants in the 2003 playoffs

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Program Alert!

My father called to tell me that Jerry from Queens will be joining Steve Somers today at 6:30 on WFAN.

The Most Petty Human Beings on the Planet

The 1972 Dolphins should be ashamed of themselves. What a petty group of stupid, crotchety old men. They hold a champagne toast every year when the last team loses a game. Mercury Morris criticized the Colts saying they were "unbeaten" not undefeated. He intimated that he didn't think they were as good as the undefeated Dolphins. I hope the Colts do go undefeated just so these tired old fools will no longer be relevant every football season when a team starts a long streak.

Stop Your Whining Simms

Phil Simms is angry at Steve Young for Young's criticism of his son Chris.
Young questioned whether Chris Simms had the "mental toughness" to handle the "information overload" of the NFL after growing up in a "laissez-faire" atmosphere."
Simms was mad saying "I don't know how Steve Young lives his life, but I don't live mine that way. And I didn't raise my kids that way. You can say whatever you want about my son. The one thing that will get me mad — and I'll stand in your face about it — is about toughness."
Young apologized saying he meant a broader comment about this generation of young players. "It had absolutely no impact on how Phil raised his son. I'd let Phil raise my son. He can literally raise my two sons right now."
Did he mean literally? Would he really send his sons to Phil Simms' house right now? I was literally cracking up when I read this. I literally died laughing. I guess Young didn't see the way Simms literally carried the Bucs on his back the last two weeks.

Curry and Garnett! Fuhgeddaboudit!

Kevin Garnett is on the trading block. Every team in the league is going to be linked to him eventually. Imagine him coming to the Knicks. Sobel's head might explode. The Knicks would probably have to give up a few good players (I can't imagine they'd want Marbury back) and the expiring contracts of some of our veterans, but maybe it could work. The Knicks are one of the few teams that wouldn't mind paying the luxury tax that would be incurred by taking on such a huge salary. Da Kid would look great in Orange and Blue.

It Was a Romeo and Juliet Scenario

The latest twist in the case of the Pennsylvania kids: it was not a kidnapping. Kara Borden reportedly went willingly with David Ludwig, after he had killed her parents. David and Kara's father had a long argument after he forbade David from seeing her. David shot the father first, then the mother on the way out of the house. But it was not a heat of the moment crime, David said he planned to shoo them. He left the house looking for Kara, then saw her running towards him. They wanted to "get as far away as possible, get married and start a new life." A friend of Ludwig's told police the couple had a secret sexual relationship and they communicated through cell-phone text messages and computer instant messages.

Police seized 54 guns from the home where Ludwig lived with his parents, according to court documents. The weapons included rifles, shotguns and handguns, with ammunition.

They also found a video on Ludwig's laptop computer in which he discusses plans to conduct an armed raid on another family's home. The plot was canceled because of traffic, police said.

That Game was the Pitts

Kevin Pittsnogle, my favorite college basketball player had a rough night last night. He led the #13 ranked West Virginia Mountaineers to a late lead over #2 Texas. With a 75-72 lead and 35 seconds left, and again with a 75-74 lead and 14 seconds on the clock, Pittsnogle missed the front end of a one and one both time. West Virginia lost 76-75 and Pitts finished with 9 points and 6 rebounds. Very surprising considering how well he did in the clutch last year against Wake Forest.

Pitts stunk last night

Get Rich Quick, a Dot at a Time

Some douchebag in England wanted to make a million bucks. So here's what he did: He charged companies $1 per pixel to advertise on his page. He divided his screen into 10,000 squares of 100 pixels. Tons of advertisers got on board and the site looks like a jumbled mess. But it's getting so much attention it must be paying off for advertisiers. He is not charging them per click, and he has promised to keep it up for 5 years. He as already raised more than $600,000 towards his goal of a million.

Cover Your Ears

Yesterday, Oprah taped her annual favorite things episode. In this episode Oprah gives away tons of free stuff to her audience and they scream like banshees for an entire hour.
Luckily this year the recipients were not you typical bored, affluent, Chicago suburb housewives but about 300 people who were recognized for helping victims after Hurricane Katrina.
Each guest got a diamond watch, a Burberry duffel coat, a Ralph Lauren Black Label cashmere sweater, and the new video iPod, among other stuff.
Total damage: $2.1m worth of goods (provided by the companies), an average of about $7,000 per person.
The stupid school teachers from last year's episode got more than twice that much.

Elect Bush

Anyone who stayed up late enough Saturday night to see USC-Fresno State now knows that you'd have to be an idiot not to vote for Bush. Reggie Bush. For Heisman.
On Saturday he has runs of 65, 35, 45, and 50. The last two were TDs. He also had a 43 yard catch. Never before have I been watching a game where I fully expected the running back to score a touchdown every time. If he doesn't win the Heisman I will buy into that East Coast bias.

Reggie Bush did lose a race in high school to a white guy.

will Bush lose the Heisman due to the East Coast bias, or the liberal media bias?

Rough Weekend for SU Sports

I don't have a problem with SU's basketball loss to Florida. Sometimes you lose, it happens. Florida got hot from the outside, and Boeheim switched to man and it worked. Can't blame him. I dont even blame McNamara although he is a horrible shooter, 5-19 overall, 3-11 from three point land. He had 10 assists and only one turnover, which is what a point guard is supposed to do. All that said, he did screw up at a critical juncture of the game. With nearly 9 minutes to go SU had a 60-58 lead and according to Dickey V "all the momentum baby." I don't really believe in old Uncle Mo, but G-Mac chucked up a horrible 3, it airballed and SU scored 2 points over the next 7 minutes.

I think SU will lose to Bucknell tonight. And I think I will be able to blame G-mac for that loss.

As for the football team, I realize they had zero chance to beat Notre Dame, and no matter what happened they probably would have gotten killed. But Robinson did a horrible job and really sent a message to his team that he doesn't trust them. At the beginning of the second quarter SU had the ball at their own 13 yard line with a 3-0 lead. Two runs and an incomplete pass. Punt. Notre Dame got the ball at their own 47 and went 3 and out. SU had the ball at their 16. Three running plays later SU punted again. He didn't try a pass. And these were vanilla runs up the middle out of a one-wide receiver set. Try a draw play on 3rd and 13. What about a screen pass? An end around? Something. Why bother playing if you are not even going to try. The ensuing punt was 20 yards giving Notre Dame the ball at the SU 36, the same place roughly as if Perry Patterson had been intercepted. Quinn threw a touchdown pass to Stovall and the rout was on. But Robinson should be ashmed at himself for not even letting the team try to beat Notre Dame.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Ba-Na-Na-Na HEY!

Know that annoying "Hey song", officially called "Rock & Roll Part 2?" If you went to SU you do, because they play it all the time at football and basketball games. If you hate that song maybe you want to shoot the guy responsible for it. Well, now you can. Join a Vietnamese firing squad. Seems Gary Glitter is in a little trouble in Vietnam, where he has a vacation home. He is accused of having sex with a 12-year-old girl. That is a crime in Vietnam, punishable by death by firing squad. Now if you don't read the whole article you will have missed the fact that the 12 year old girl is a Saigon whore, who got roughly $8 a pop each time she had sex with Mr. Glitter. R. Kelly was not available for comment.

Invited R. Kelly to vacation with him in Ho Chi Minh City

The Remodeled Pizza Parlor

Derek remodeled his brilliant Pizza Parlor. Instead of long columns (his specialty), which he could never write in a timely fashion, he has switched to a format more like mine, quick hits and pithy opinions.

Derek breaks down the cast of MTV's newest Real World - Road Rules Challenge.

If you still love Derek, as I do, when he's at his best, writing long and summarizing group events, you can read his recap of our Syracuse trip. Although evidently Kate and I didn't make too much of an impression on him.