Friday, February 12, 2010

We Need to See the Rest of These Tapes

The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women including female sports reporters and TV personalities, according to court documents.
A sentencing memo filed Monday in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles says Michael Barrett uploaded videos of 16 other women to an online account.
The filing noted that Andrews wants the 48-year-old insurance executive to pay her about $335,000 in restitution.
Prosecutors claim that 32 videos provided by show Barrett "victimized approximately 16 other women in almost precisely the same way that he victimized" Andrews. They did not identify the women.

This is like cruel and unusual punishment who are they?
Just because the guy got caught doesn't mean his work should be destroyed.
Plus we didn't do anything wrong, why should we have to suffer?
The names on this list are going to become more sought-after than the list of baseball players who failed a steroids test during the survey season.

I hope ESPN's Jenn Brown is on the list. ESPN is grooming her for the day when Erin Andrews gets too big for her britches (coming pretty soon because she was probably wearing a tiny g-string under these pants) and demands an outrageous contract.

Jenn Brown, the next Erin Andrews
I hope Barrett got some nude video of Jenn Brown

Once He Mentions Howard Stern, Hang Up

Poor Ali Velshi. The guy just wants to alarm people and snowy weather and his idiot producers fail to background check a guest calling in claiming to work for the state of New Jersey.

So Ali is the one who gets called a dumbass by one of Howard Stern's minions, when really someone in the control room should have picked up on this, or at least hung up on the guy the first time he mentioned Howard Stern. They'd never do this to Wolf Blitzer.

Valentine's Day Movie

Valentine's Day is a time to put your spouse first and remind her that her needs come before your own.

It is with this in mind that I offered to take Mrs. Poop to the movies this weekend to see "Valentine's Day."

This would break our long-standing policy against doing things that would make the other partner miserable. We don't go see chick flicks, she just rents them on DVD. We don't go to sporting events together save the rare Mets game which she went to on my birthday, in part because she wanted to see CitiField.

This stands in stark contrast to the Freedos who are perfectly happy to make each other unhappy. Amber risks life and limb (and even wears a jersey) to sit amongst 100,000 uneducated violent criminals at Penn State games.

the only two educated people at a Penn State game pose for a picture with --- Freedo

In return Freedo goes to the symphony and even misses NFL Playoff games to check out the Genghis Khan exhibit at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. He must have found this preferable to cutting off his balls and storing them in formaldehyde, but I'm not so sure.

Which brings me back to Valentine's Day. The Freedos are spending it at the ballet and then the strip club (something for everyone) while Mrs. Poop and I are going to the movies.

Yes, seeing "Valentine's Day" was my suggestion, not only because I wanted to do something nice for a change, but also because I'm interested in the movie.

It has quite possibly the greatest cast ever assembled, with at least 15 actors with instant name recognition. There are:

-the legit stars (Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner)
-the try-a-little-too-hard stars (Ashton Kutcher, Anne Hathaway)
-the black stars (Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah)
-the hot stars named Jessica (Alba, Biel)
-the hot young stars named Taylor (Lautner, Swift)
-the stars of Gray's Anatomy with the goofy nicknames (McDreamy, McSteamy)
-the old stars (Kathy Bates, Shirley MacLaine)
-the old Hispanic stars (Hector Elizondo, George Lopez)
-the star Mrs. Poop would prefer to go to the movies with instead of me (Bradley Cooper)

This movie is only 125 minutes long. That doesn't leave much screen time for each one. And how much did they pay them all? And did each of them know what the other was getting? It will be interesting to see if this highly paid bunch produces a championship like the 2009 Yankees or if they flop and become the Worst Cast Money Could Buy like the 1992 Mets.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Rex Ryan Topless

Jets head coach Rex Ryan attended an NHL game, so he decided to wear a hockey jersey. Apparently any hockey jersey will do because Ryan wore a Flyers jersey to a Panthers-Hurricanes game.
The quick witted Canes Ice Girls came over to offer Ryan a wardrobe change, presenting him with a Canes jersey (presumably XXXL).
Unfortunately, when he takes off his Flyers jersey, his undershirt comes with (the same thing happened to me at the allergist) exposing his prodigious gut.

Brusha, Brusha, Brusha

I'm all in favor of good dental hygiene but don't parents have any responsibility anymore?
An article in the New York Times says preschools in Massachusetts are now required to have children brush their teeth whenever they eat snacks.
I really can't object to this policy I just don't think its needed if parents live up to their responsibilities.

Why the SEC Never Caught Bernie Madoff

About two dozen SEC employees over the past two years have been caught using SEC computers to try to access porn Web sites.
One regional supervisor made 1,800 attempts over a 17-day period but was denied access by monitoring software.

The situation became a big enough problem that the SEC's inspector general has sent four internal reports on the topic to Congress over the past two years.

When in-house investigators confronted the horny supervisor, he admitted, "It was kind of a distraction, per se."

The pervy supervisor, after being grilled by internal investigators, said that porn-surfing by employees had been going on a long time, despite software aimed at blocking access to sex sites. The supervisor boasted that he found ways around the blocks by visiting one of many separate blogs containing smutty images.

"I would click on [a porn image] and it went to a blog that wasn't blocked," the supervisor said, according to SEC documents. The supervisor said he had been looking at porn at least twice a day "for a long time."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Obama Pulls a Bush

For 8 years liberals blasted President Bush for his constant malaprops and creative use of the English language. Well now the shoe is on the other foot.

Ah the dangers of the teleprompter. The President's staff spelled the word "corpsman", instead of going with the phoenetic spelling "core-man."
I actually remember learning this word when I was much younger. A book I was reading on football said the Redskins had a good receiving corps. I think my dad was the one who told me it was pronounced core, corpse is something else entirely.

Maybe She Is As Dumb As They Say

I may have to stop defending Sarah Palin soon. Ever since she became an overnight sensation she has been the target of such hatred and vicious rumors that I felt it necessary to remain objective about her.
I thought she had just been advised not to answer direct questions directly, advice she took too literally. I mean, no one can be that dumb that they can’t even name a newspaper even if it’s one they don’t read. And yes, she was set up with trick questions by the liberal media, all of which she handled poorly.
Once again, she can be dumb, but not that dumb. As the keynote speaker at a tea party event this weekend she had notes written on her hand. Now it’s not dumb to have notes during a speech (the President doesn’t even talk to 6th graders without a teleprompter), what’s stupid is writing them on your hand like a kid cheating on an algebra exam.
But I still think she’s going to be our next President.

Song of the Week

"I Like It" - Grand Puba
Amazing it's been 15 years since jusTON loved this song.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

How Many People Watched the Super Bowl: A Better Guess Than Nielsen

The ratings are in and Super Bowl XLIV is the most watched event in U.S. television history. 106.5 million people watched, passing the MASH finale and the debut of Jersey Shore.

But I call bullshit on those numbers. Forget about how the numbers compare to each other, that’s impossible to debate because things have changed so much in the past 27 years.

But to say only 106 million people watched the Super Bowl seems awfully low to me.

Here’s why:

There are roughly 325 million people in U.S.

4 million babies are born each year, so if no children under 2 watched, that’s 8 million, throw in another 2 million random kids and that’s 10 million kids not watching.

I’d say 20 million elderly are unable to watch due to age or infirmity.

About 10 million people across the country were probably at work, at jobs where they couldn’t watch the game.

There are about 15 million gays, about a million of whom probably watched. And another 15 million lesbians, about 14 million of whom probably watched.

And I will give you another 50 million women and men who didn’t watch the game due to lack of interest.

That’s 105 million people not watching.

Which means about 220 million were watching, more than double what Nielsen said.

And if you disagree with my numbers here’s what you need to do, think about everyone you know, from infants to infirm and see if you get a number less than one-third of whom watched at least some of the game.

Note: I know it’s impossible to measure how many people are watching at parties, restaurants and bars, but to charge people for this service and to be that far off, it just doesn’t make any sense for this company to even exist if this is the quality of their estimate.

Mets Memories

Check out these two classic pictures from the 80s. Each one features two Mets legends and one special guest star.
One we can call "Wasted Talent" because it features Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden and Mike Tyson, all of whom were blessed with natural ability but never lived up to their potential.

Darry; Strawberry, Dwight Gooden and Mike Tyson

And then we have what I called "Wisdom" three wise veterans (Mookie Wilson, Keith Hernandez and Count Von Count) who became fan favorites for their intelligence and good humor.

Mooke Wilson, Keith Hernandez and The Count

Football's Answer to Anthony Mason

Super Bowl hero Tracy Porter who returned Peyton Manning's interception for the game-clinching touchdown was sporting a special haircut beneath his helmet during Super Bowl XLIV. Crafted into his hair was "SB 44" along with the Superdome and the Lombardi Trophy.

Tracy Porter's Super Bowl 44 hair

I guess Porter's hair grows pretty fast because two weeks ago he had the ghosts from Pac-man, Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde.

Tracy Porter Pac-Man ghosts

Nothing will ever beat Anthony Mason's "In God's Hands" though, a spiritual message and a hairstyle.

Anthony Mason In God's Hands

Monday, February 08, 2010

How the Super Bowl Was Won

“You gotta have balls baby!”

The late great Amir Vahedi uttered those famous words during the 2003 World Series of Poker. Sean Payton is the coach of the Super Bowl Champions right now because he made aggressive calls to take the game away from the Colts.

Payton went for it on 4th down and goal late in the second quarter, and though he missed it was the proper risk to take. The play-calling may have been suspect but the Colts didn’t score and the Saints got that field goal anyway.

Maybe that decision emboldened Payton at halftime to decide to start the second half with an onside kick. I thought this was a great move because an unexpectedly high number of surprise onside kicks are recovered by the kicking team. It was a good chance to take because the reward is incredibly high and the risk is only about 30 yards of field position, which is significant but not back-breaking.

And even worse for Payton if these moves had backfired the same people who are praising his stones this morning would be ripping him to shreds had the Saints lost.

For having the guts to make what might have been a crucial mistake, Sean Payton is waking up a Super Bowl Champion this morning.

to the victor go the Gatorade bath

Super Bowl Ads

I thought the Super Bowl ads as a whole were lackluster this year but here are a few we enjoyed

Starting with my personal favorite, Doritos dog collar:

Bud Light T-Pain, did you know there are iPhone apps that do this to your voice:

Motorola Megan Fox Sexting. I love the ad genius who came up with this one, let's put Megan Fox in a bathtub sending naked pictures of herself. Really hard to come up with that idea:

Hyundai Brett Favre 2020. At least he's self-deprecating, sort of:

Boost Mobile Shuffle. I didn't find this funny at all, only including it because Billy loved it:

The original 7-minute long "Super Bowl Shuffle" was much funnier.

The Bud Light House, I haven't heard too much buzz about this one but I found it subtly clever:

Doritos Keep Your Hands off my Mama, it is kind of funny but aren't we past the precocious wise-cracking black child already?

Career Builder Casual Fridays. The new guy at work whom I now call "Work Smist" loved this one. That explains it:

Snickers Betty White and Abe Vigoda. Two classic comedians in the twilight of their careers joining forces for an hilarious commercial.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Weekly Picks

This horrible season has finally come to an end. I have one last chance to salvage something.

Indianapolis -5 New Orleans

Both teams can put up points, this much we know. Neither team has much of a running game so this game will come down to the quarterbacks. As good as Drew Brees is, I would take Peyton Manning (who has definitely shed his early-career choker label) over just about anyone of all time. The other thing is, I think the Colts have a better defense than New Orleans. Even without Dwight Freeney (who will try to play but probably won't be very effective) I trust Indy to get more pressure on the quarterback than the Saints. But as I always say, the biggest thing that determines games in turnovers, and that unpredictability is why games are so hard to pick. If the Saints get a couple or three fumbles, the announcers will remind us ad nauseum that they practice stripping the ball, and they will win. But I think the Colts will control the ball and get the win.

Indianapolis Colts 31 New Orleans Saints 24

Last week: 1-1 (2 points)
Season: 40-55 (38 points)
Best Bets: 1-0 (9-11)
Home Favorites: 1-1 (9-15)
Home Underdogs: 0-0 (1-2)
Road Favorites: 0-0 (16-16)
Road Underdogs: 0-0 (14-21)
Road Pickem: 0-0 (0-1)